looking-back

Looking Back…

IMG_1473For 51 weeks, 357 days, 8568 hours, 514,080 minutes, 30,844,800 seconds, I have tried to look forward. Be positive. Strong. But the memories are smacking me in the face. One year ago we left for the trip of our dreams. 12 days of “happy time.” Together time. Family time. Hawaii. Beach. Sunshine. Sunsets. In a heartbeat, our lives changed.

One day before we left, I posted this on my FB wall. “Everyone will go through some hard times at some point. Life isn’t easy. Just something to think about..did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘help me?’ Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile to see how much pain they may be in. We all need positive intentions right now. Give a moment of support to all of those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just needs to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune.” Strange when I think about what was in front of me. Was this a premonition? Was I subconsciously preparing myself for the nightmare I would face 9 days later? While I know there is no “truth,” I can’t help but seek it. While I know not to search for “whys,” I can’t help but look for answers.  IMG_1246

On that same day 6 years ago, I wrote: “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. We have 86,400 seconds today – why not use one of those to say “thank you” to someone we love?” These were all lessons to myself. Reminders when I got stuck. Took Gregger for granted. My kids. My friends. My family. As the “anniversary” edges closer, I just want to say “thank you, Gregger.” Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving our family. Thank you for giving us a beautiful life. A life for us to share together. A place to grow. Become better people. And learn. About each other. I am courageous because of you. You are my heart. You are my soul. Your arms comfort me. Awake. Asleep. I feel your presence. Life was not always easy. But that’s okay. Life is not about being easy. You made my dreams come true. You were my prince charming. And always will be. If I could have just one more day, there are so many things I would say and do. I would wrap you in my arms and never let you go. I would tell you over and over, “I love you. I am so grateful for you. I was blessed the day I met you. And I was blessed for a lifetime.” I would hold your hand so tight it would hurt. And I would not let you walk into that water…

never let them go

shining brightest in heaven

Stars in Heaven…Shining Brightest

Scan 17In these days leading up to the “anniversary,” I keep going back to the beginning. The moment I spotted Greg. And I just knew. 41 years ago. Bushy-haired guy, beer in hand, hanging at the pool. He never knew what hit him. And it hit him hard. He didn’t stand a chance. Locked him out one night. Talked the night through. One date. And the rest was history. Inseparable. Partners. Lovers. Friends.

My grandmother used to say, “You need to get down on your hands and knees. Every night. And pray. You need to thank God for giving Greg to you.” I resented it. I thought, “What about me?” Shouldn’t he thank God for me? Wasn’t I good enough? I didn’t get it. But as the years went by, I understood. He was one of the “good guys.” He was special.

IMG_1704It was the simple things:
1. Holding hands. Walking down the street. In the grocery store. In the car. Everywhere. It just felt good. Connected.
2. Helping out. Emptying the trash. Clearing the table. Picking up dog poop. Yucky job. But he did it. Sharing. Doing it together.
3. The Little things. Putting out my coffee cup. Every morning.
4. Laughter. Silly, goofy, simple fun.
5. Cuddles. Hugs. Watching reality TV he hated or shows we loved together! It didn’t matter.
6. Kissing. Before he left. When he walked in the door. And in between. I miss those kisses.
7.“I love you.” He said it A LOT!  On the phone, text, email, cards. He never let me forget it. His last words. They’ll stay with me forever.
8. Surprises. So many. Some for occasions. Some for nothing at all. That’s what made them extra special. That’s what made HIM super special.
9. My cheerleader. Greg was my BIGGEST supporter. Whatever I tried to do, he pushed me to be better.
10. My best friend. He listened. The good. The bad. The ugly. He didn’t always “hear” me, but when it was important, he stopped. That counted. I mattered. I knew.

me and greg 11People used to say, “You are so lucky. He’s so calm. Composed.” And I wanted to respond, “You don’t live with him.” That wasn’t fair. I was his outlet. His sounding board. Everyone needs one. He was mine. So WE were lucky. Blessed. He wasn’t perfect. Neither was I. “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” That was the two of us. There for each other through thick and thin. Richer and poorer. Sickness and health. Good times and bad. We lived through it all. And we made it right to the end. Smiling. Laughing. Loving. Always loving.

 

gregger in heaven

Stars in Heaven…Shining Brighter

IMG_0234“Dad, you are not an anchor to hold us back, nor a sail to take us there, but a guiding light whose love shows us the way.”

Of all the roles Gregger played, this was his favorite. He cherished being “dad.” Doting. Goofy. Soft-hearted. Supportive. He worked tirelessly to be the best. To give the most. But pull back just a little when needed. Not much. That was the toughest part for him. His heart was super-sized. Especially when it came to his kids.

“Aside from being the best father a son could dream of my dad was also my best friend, my greatest mentor and will always be my hero. There are no words to express the joy I felt in every moment I shared with him on this earth. The way my dad lived life each and every day is something that I aspire to in the days, months and years ahead. My dad provided me with the best blueprint on how to live life; work hard, be persistent and passionate, but always remain caring and compassionate. Do what is right and always be kind to people. Always go the extra mile for others and appreciate those in your life.”  IMG_1169

Gregger was a little “old school,” but in time the kids turned him into the “cool dad.” He kind of freaked when Adam and Ryan got their ears pierced in fifth and sixth grade. Then he realized those holes could grow back. And they did. Years later those earrings were long gone. Good decision not to fight those small battles. When Ashley begged for the belly button ring, he cringed. But they too reached a mutual understanding. He was a strict one, but compromise worked. At least it worked in our household. Communicate. Listen. Respect. He valued their individuality. Their differences. He learned there is no rule book for parenthood. If you had a plan, chances are life would change it. So be prepared.

Gregger never thought about being a good person, a role model. He just was. It was his nature. Throughout his life, he showed his kids “his way.”

*Be kind.
*Appreciate the little things.
*Do what is right.
*Accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be.
*Work hard. Fight for success.
*Take time. Time for family. Time for yourself. Time to love. Time to enjoy.
*Mistakes are okay. Learn from them.
*Accept responsibility. Own up. Never blame.
*Love with all your heart. It will never steer you wrong.

If Greg had one wish for his kids it was to believe in themselves. To follow their dreams. To be confident. To find courage and strength against the worst fears. To fight when they’re down. To cheer when they’re up. And NEVER, NEVER give up.  Especially in the face of adversity.

0447Ashley_Tyler“Dad, my best friend, my role model, my superman, the first man I loved, my angel…I cannot thank you enough for everything you did for me, taught me, and for all the love you showered me with throughout the years. You made me laugh at the worst of times and taught me not to sweat the small stuff. You always made me feel like the prettiest girl in the room and could never tell me enough how proud you were of me. You make us all want to be better people. You were an angel on earth, and now the best, most handsome guardian angel I could imagine.”

11 1/2 months ago the kids thought their world had fallen apart. They lost their best friend. Their hero. Their superstar. But they’ve planted their feet on the ground. They’ve stepped up. And they have risen to the top. The brilliant bright lights in the sky? Gregger’s joy. Glowing. Beaming. Bursting. He knows. And his legacy will continue because they carry him in their hearts. Forever.

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stars in heaven

Stars in Heaven..Keep on Shining

IMG_1461Gregger was so much to so many people. And he played each “part” perfectly. You rarely saw him without a smile, a bounce in his step, or a sparkle behind those fashion specs. Whether your chum, crony, or cohort, he made you feel as though you were his #1.

The Friend: To everyone. Gregger never met a man/woman/child who was NOT his friend. Everyone loved The Gregger. He left an imprint on your soul. A smile in your heart. The twinkle in his eye. The sparkle in his smile. It touched you. And made YOU feel special. As if you were his favorite. If he asked, “How are you?” He meant it.

“He changed the world by asking, ‘How are you?’ because he really wanted to know.”

He listened. He asked questions. And he waited for your answer. A man of compassion. A rare breed. A devoted, loyal, true-blue friend. He was there in the noise and the silence. Honest, a man of principles, a man of truth. Gregger made sunny days brighter and brought rainbows at the end of a storm. He loved unconditionally. No terms. No limitations. No judgments. Your way didn’t have to be his way. Gregger was the “every man’s friend.” He accepted and liked you for who you were, not who he wanted you to be. And he was fun. Charismatic yet good-humored. 100% genuine. He was grateful. And that gratitude came back full circle.  friends 2 (1)

Dear friends and family stated:

“You were present. You were supportive. You stood by us in times of uncertainty, sheer happiness, and inconsolable grief. You were an integral part of our family, Greg. The loss is insurmountable, but the imprint of love, kindness, and wonderful memories will always be with us. Thank you, Greg, we love you so.”
“Thank you for shining that ray of sunshine into so many lives including ours. You truly have a gift for spreading happiness to other people and making this world a better place. With Greg’s passing, we all suffered a tragic loss of brightness and color in all of our lives. We can only be grateful for the precious time that we spent with him.”
friends (1)“For as long as I knew Greg he ALWAYS was a kind, loyal, giving, funny, caring, generous individual, but most important, a wonderful friend. Whenever a customer or friend would run into Greg, he would always ask, “How are you? How is your family? How are you doing?” It was always about you! Not Greg. We are heartbroken about losing the friendship of such a wonderful individual. Greg, you will always be in our thoughts, our hearts and we will NEVER forget your humor, kindness, sweetness and your infectious smile!”
“Greg touched so many lives it would be hard to line them all up. I don’t think I have ever met a more positive person in the business world. He was always concerned abou how YOU were doing..never concerning others with any challenges he might be having. When I walked into The Clotherie, it always was an extremely uplifting experience, always something positive. I will always feel that I am a better person having had the wonderful experience of knowing, admiring and loving the man.”

do good 2 (1)The Humanitarian: Gregger was a giver. Not only to friends and family, but his community. While he was personally responsible for creating philanthropic events several times a year, he never turned his back on anyone. And he only cared about the “giving.” Never about the “getting.” With his commitment to giving back, Gregger continued to give after his passing. Friends and family honored him with mind-blowing donations to his favorite charities so his legacy could live on. He would be so honored by this glowing tribute.

“Greg made a tremendous impact on this community. I feel lucky to have known him.”

I was the lucky one. I am blessed every day. To live. To love. To remember.

To be continued…

do good (1)

stairway-to-heaven

Stars in Heaven…Still Shining

stairway-to-heavenI never imagined a year ago that I would be preserving Gregger’s memory. We should be celebrating life. Together. “If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.” But I can’t. So I’ll hold onto the memories. The photographs in my mind. He was unique. Extraordinary. One-of-a-kind. There will never be another Gregger. And so I remember…

The Gentleman: Before he became The Gregger, he was just plain Greg. Simple. Modest. Unassuming. Gregger was a “Gentle” Man and a Gentleman all rolled into one cuddly delight. Big heart. Soft soul. The “gentle” man was considerate, kind, tender. He could melt my heart with the touch of his hand. Tears rolled down his cheeks at the first sight of his daughter in her wedding gown. He was the “softie.” But he was a true Gentleman. Courteous. Honorable. Respectful. To me, his children, his parents, his colleagues, his friends, his clients and himself. One of Gregger’s favorite sayings was “treat others as you would want to be treated.” This was true for everyone. From grocery bagger, waiter, or call center attendant to colleagues, friends, and family, it made no difference. Smile, be courteous, and always say, “thank you.” As Gregger said, “Being nice will get you EVERYWHERE!” I believe he was right. Gregger was first class. A colleague stated, “Greg was one-of-a-kind. He was a great businessman, had unbelievable style, but, more importantly was a wonderful human being who kept up with our careers and was the ultimate caretaker. He will be remembered as a true gentleman and friend.”

Greg best imageThe Man of Integrity: Gregger was a man of integrity. A man of principles. Honest, trustworthy, selfless, and gracious without a need for recognition, acknowledgment, or accolades. Committed, faithful, loyal. Selfless. Nothing came before family and friends. Gregger was last. Every. Time.

“If all bosses could learn from Greg on how to treat employees or just random acquaintances, everyone would feel as important and loved as he made us feel.”

A leader as well as a team player. Confident, never cocky. But so very humble. I don’t think he ever really knew his true value. If I could call heaven right now I’d say, “You have left one helluva mark on this planet! I told you so!” Simply put, he left this world a better place.

“Thank you! Thank you! These words are completely inadequate for what you have meant to me over the years. Your untiring acts of kindness always humbled me. Knowing you has made a huge difference in my life. I recall the years of joy in working with you daily and the funny ways you had in expressing a resolution to a problem. I miss you and thank you so much for being part of my life.”

Courageous. A fighter. Determined to get to the top but do it his way. Nobody gets hurt. Competition was not good for the soul. Principles. Listen. Pay attention to detail. Oh, he was the best. I was oblivious. But he was spot on. Ying and yang. He nailed it. The little things. He just got it. Knew when to apologize and when to forgive.

Funny, playful. From sensibly serious to lighthearted laughter, Gregger could pan out the jokes or be the joke. The true evolution of Greg to “The Gregger.”

“I liked Greg the moment I met him. I knew working for him would be a great experience. It was. What I didn’t know is how much I would grow to love him, and his family as well. He always treated us with respect and compassion, all the while inspiring us to do better, to BE better. I miss him everyday. His smile, his positive energy, and how he made me feel will forever be etched in my heart and mind. I am a better person for having known Greg.”

stockholm

And finally, the PERFECT role model for his children. They are the true legacy he left behind. I know he is beaming with pride.

Gregger…I could not wait to be your “Mrs.” To stand by your side. To be the half to your whole. I was so proud. Still am. Of you. Your journey. Your success. A husband. Father. Friend. Brother. Son. And so much more. You did it all. With grace. Humility. And strength. Straight to the end. I miss you every day.

stars-in-heaven

Stars in Heaven

“Live for something. Do good, and leave behind you a monument of virtue that the storms of time can never destroy. Write your name in kindness, love, and mercy on the hearts of thousands you come in contact with year by year, and you will never be forgotten. Your name and your good deeds will shine as stars in heaven.”

15This was Gregger. He is truly a shining star in heaven. He lived for something. He lived for a lot. His family. His friends. Truly anyone who crossed his path. He did good. He was full of goodness. He left behind a monument of kindness, goodness, and generosity that time will never erase. He will never be forgotten. He was one of the good guys.

As most of you know, this is a rough month. The anniversary of Gregger’s death. But I am trying not to be sad. I am trying to see the light. The positive. The growth. And the strength that came from the “shining stars in heaven.” His spirit. I want to honor that spirit. Gregger’s memory. He deserves it. So I will write about who he was. What he stood for. And the legacy he left behind. So well deserved. I will share messages sent to me. Messages that convey his most honorable attributes. There isn’t a Reader’s Digest version. So bear with me. The rest of the month is dedicated solely to my one and only.

Scan 19The Gregger: Where do I begin? Kind, compassionate, funny, generous (to a fault), hardworking (to a fault, again), courageous, and full of love. So full of love. Others said, “It is amazing how many people were impacted by Greg. His personality was genuine. He was kind and always positive. I will always remember his smile.” Five months ago, I wrote, “Because of his smile, he made my life more beautiful. His tooth-bearing, eye-twinkling grin melted my heart. In the worst of times, his boyish grin could mellow my ranting rage to a quiet calm. If Gregger smiled at you, he touched your heart. His smile was like a warm hug on a cold winter’s day.” It has now been almost a year since Gregger’s smile graced this earth, but it is etched in stone upon my heart. It will always make my life more beautiful. It brings me sunshine on a cloudy day. It raises me up when I’m feeling down. It gives me strength when I think there’s nothing left to give. Thank you Gregger. Today. Tomorrow. Forever. I love you.

DSC_1002The Professional: Gregger began at 8 years old and worked his way to the top. He not only had a passion for his industry but for his clients. He followed in his father’s footsteps and then created his own path. Five months ago I wrote, “The Gregger never settled. He climbed his mountain all the way to the top and enjoyed it every step of the way. The challenges. The struggles. The joys. But most of all the people he met along the way. He truly loved “his” people. They were all part of “his” family. Colleagues stated, “The industry lost a giant. Greg’s ability to recognize change before it happened made him a pioneer and someone that we all aspired to emulate. Well beyond the passion he displayed for his chosen career, he set the standard for behavior and overall level of professionalism. He was a class act who raised the bar for all of us and taught us all how to treat others. He was as kind as he was gracious, challenging all around him to be a better person.”
“Greg was a wonderful soul and human being! They have one heckuva haberdasher with a great heart upstairs.”

If only I had one more day. Just to say, thank you. You made me a better person. You gave me strength. You gave me courage. And you taught me the meaning of selfless love. Love for others. Love for myself. The greatest gift of all.  I miss you.

To be continued…

DSC_0685

the givers

The Givers

DSC_0685Gregger and I had a problem. And we fought about it. A lot. It was the silliest of problems, but we just couldn’t seem to get past it. We were both GIVERS. Neither of us knew how to TAKE. So we fought over giving, giving, giving. It wasn’t about giving things. It was about giving of ourselves. We both wanted to DO for the other. We wanted to do for the kids. We wanted to do for other people. We just didn’t know when to stop. So sometimes it got in the way. We needed to take time, stop, and realize that we were TAKING time and energy away from each other by GIVING so much, too much.

givingKnowing our birth order, it didn’t always make sense. I was the oldest, Gregger the youngest. He should have been a taker. He should have been the selfish one (no offense to those “babies” out there). Being a first-born, I was stereotypically disciplined (better defined as OCD), cautious (to a fault), controlling (I admit to being “a bit”), organized (again OCD), an achiever (self-competitive), and certainly mothering (wanting to take care of everyone). If Gregger had been the laid back, needing mothering type, maybe things would have been different. But I would never have gone for THAT guy! I loved the guy who was disciplined (also OCD), cautious (not nearly as much as me and more daring), controlling (because he wanted EVERYONE to be happy), organized (slacking off big time in the latter years), an achiever (OVER), and mothering (needing to take care of EVERYONE!).

giving 2Some of our spats were over the silliest things. After a long day at work, the mothering side of me wanted to “take care” of Gregger. I loved to cook (in the earlier years) and never minded the clean up. I would BEG him to relax at the table, catch up on his emails, watch TV, sports, whatever, but he could NOT do it. He refused to allow me to take care of him. He had to get up, clear the dishes, clean the counter, the table. It was “his” job. We seriously would argue over this. I was insulted that he would NOT let me take care of him. We would squabble over running errands, doing laundry, so many silly things. These weren’t fights. They were just squabbles. Inane altercations of who could “give” more.

But Gregger wanted to take care of EVERYONE. He took it upon himself to take care of his family, his employees, people he met on the street. Well, maybe that’s going a bit too far. But he was incredibly over-the-top generous. The word “no” did not exist in his vocabulary. I just wanted him to take care of himself in the same way. He was impossible! He actually gave me the gift of a “physical” for himself one year for Christmas. So even in the “taking” he was still “giving.” You can’t fault someone for being so good. For loving too much. For trying too hard. For being so good. For giving too much. Gregger was just that guy. He broke me at times. I turned into the “taker.” It made him happy. I guess in a lot of ways it made me happy too. I learned it wasn’t worth the argument. I’d rather find peace. Pick my battles. If he really wanted to clear the dishes, wipe the counters, wash his shirts, run his errands, I wasn’t going to battle him any longer. BUT. And it’s a BIG BUT. I did NOT want to hear how much he had to do. I did not want to hear he did not have time in his day. I did NOT want to hear he was overloaded. If he wasn’t going to take, he had to own it. So little by little, he gave it up. Not much. But a little. And I got to GIVE. And we got to SHARE. That was the best part of all. 

40 years together is a long time to learn. Learn to compromise. Learn to listen. Learn to grow together. Learn to give. Learn to take. Learn to share. It wasn’t always easy. But we managed. And we got better and better and better. Gregger would ALWAYS be the better GIVER. It was just part of his soul. That’s why I loved him so very much. “If you continually give, you will continually have.” So we continually had. Despite the battles of giving, we had. Love. Friendship. Trust. Respect. Commitment. Communication. Selflessness. Passion. It worked. I miss it every single day.

giving 3

letting go

Letting Go

If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

holding onI was reminded the other day of all the times in my life when I couldn’t let go. I was such a control freak. I thought if I controlled myself, my family, my life, situations, that things would turn out the way I planned. I thought control meant perfection. If I let go, all hell would break loose. If I let go, my life would be chaotic. If I let go, my world be disordered. I was never one of those cool moms who let their kids pick out their clothes. Or do their own hair. Clothes had to match. Hair had to be brushed. Styled. Neat. Shoes had to be clean. We had a toy room. They played. And then the toys were cleaned up. There was order. Beds were made. Dishes were always cleaned and put away. I did laundry. Every day. Clothes every day. Towels one day. Sheets another. Order.

letting go 3I wasn’t always that way. At least not as “ordered” and controlled. My room had clothes in total disarray. My closet was a MESS. My drawers were a disaster. I grew up with “neatness” so I think I rebelled for a while. And then the Gregger brought it back full circle. He was a “neatnik.” He loved order. He loved clean. So I learned to love it too. We lived by such routine. Up by the alarm. Morning workout. Breakfast with the kids (when they were school age). Drove them to school. Gregger headed to work and I headed home. Workout. Grocery. Clean. Pick up kids. Drove from school to activities and home again. Family dinner. Every night! Most important part of our routine. Thank goodness we NEVER gave this up. It was time to talk. Time to share. Time to fight. Time to laugh. Time to build memories. We waited for Gregger because this was OUR time. The MOST important FAMILY time. After dinner, the kids scattered for homework, social time, TV time, or bed. Gregger and I cleaned. We couldn’t leave a messy kitchen. It was a sign of disorder. Chaos. Lack of control. So we cleaned. And THEN we spent time with the kids. That was backward. They were doing homework, watching TV, getting ready for bed. What were we thinking? If we died tomorrow would anyone remember if we had a clean kitchen? If our kids had matching outfits or groomed hair? Would our kids remember a clean house or the time we spent with them? We needed to LET GO of what was NOT important and focus on what was.

I am not sure WHEN we had our “wake up” call. I’m not sure WHAT caused it or WHY. I just know something changed. I realized I could close doors and what I didn’t see didn’t matter. The equation was simple. More letting go = more peace, more happy household.  My big job was working on the Gregger. I was uptight, but he was wound tighter. I understood. He had a ton of responsibility. A business. A family. Sending his kids to private schools. Paying for activities. College in the future. Weighed on his soul. But slowly those coils unwound. They were little things. He left dishes in the sink. He came home at night, threw his briefcase on the counter and scattered papers across the kitchen counter. My nerves got edgy. I took deep breaths. I reeled it in. Not important. Let it go. Enjoy the moment. Talk. Be together. The mess didn’t matter.  

life is not perfectAs my kids grew, letting go became a daily lesson. I had to let go as my major role as mom. It was the hardest but most empowering choice I’ve made. Allow them to choose their paths. Allow them to choose their friends, their mates. Allow them to live their lives. As much as I wanted them to remain a HUGE part of ours, they had to go off on their journeys. This was hard. But letting go allowed them to grow. I wanted them to come home when they chose. I wanted them to be with us/me because it was their choice. Not an obligation. So I “let go” every day with the hope that my kids would always WANT to come home again. With the hope that home would always feel like a place of comfort and LOVE. I believe that letting go has given them that freedom. At least I hope so.  

I pushed for Gregger to “let go” when we were in Hawaii. He was struggling. He was being pulled in so many directions. Pressured to get work done. Wanting to be with his family. He knew where his heart was, but time constraints made his choice difficult. So we came second. Kind of. We were so “FIRST” that he worked that hard. If he had that choice to make again, I believe he would make a different one. He would say, “screw it.” This is my time. Family time. Precious time. Time we don’t get back. Ever. I deserve this. But he didn’t. I saw the stress in his eyes. I felt the struggle in his heart. If only he could have just “let go.” So our time was cut short. I felt cheated. Cheated for the years we wasted on inane things. Cheated for the years we will never have together. But I will let that go too. I cannot control what happened. I cannot change the past. I can be present, grateful, and appreciate the gifts that life has given me. And in that journey I will find peace.

As I finished writing this piece, I received my horoscope for the day. Life is just too strange: “Don’t stress yourself out trying to control things you can’t control. If you can’t control them (and you know what ‘them’ are), you can’t control them. So take a step back and then take a deep breath and then let go. You’ve done everything you can do (and you know it), so just enjoy the free time, if you can (and you can). Why do you always have to be doing something, anyhow? Some days it’s okay to just be.”

So for today, I will just BE.

plans 2

Rainy Days and Mondays

Rainy Days and Mondays

rain 2Feeling a bit melancholy on this rainy day Monday. I stare at the raindrops streaming from the skies and slip into a meditative state. My mind wanders. Memories drift in and out. I try to conjure a visible future. I’m stuck. I keep going backwards. All I can see is the past. Where I was. Where I still want to be. But I can’t go there anymore. I can visit. But I must move forward. I keep having flashes. Of Gregger. His goofy, but loving idiosyncrasies. I miss them most. But they make me smile. My sunshine on a rainy day.

 

  • his nightly call to me on his way home from work
  • his obsession with mail, getting to it ASAP when he walked in the door at night
  • dropping his clothes on the floor; shirt, socks, and underwear tied in a tidy ball
  • digging into chips and salsa EVERY night when he walked in the house
  • freezing his Crystal Light to icy perfection
  • making his special bagel with half butter, half peanut butter and jelly, perfectly spread to the edges
  • ice cream before bed (for years!)
  • driving back to check the garage door EVERY TIME we left the house
  • watching his morning routine (recumbent bike with sports page, coffee, shower, breakfast and out the door)
  • washing his shirts (Yes! I miss that) and timing them so there wasn’t a wrinkle
  • his deep breathing and raucous snores
  • his meticulous habit of using shoe trees to preserve the shape, prevent creases, and extend the life of his vast shoe collection
  • “sleep good, sweet dreams” (to me and the kids)
  • “I love you” before, after, and in between (the BEST)

rainGregger: Yesterday I needed to talk to you so badly. It was just one of those days. There wasn’t anyone else in my circle who could help. I needed you. You weren’t here. I’m having to deal with so many nonsensical things. Life things. Gregger things. But I’m learning. I want to scream out. Am I doing the right thing? Is this the way you want me to do it? UGH! I don’t want these responsibilities. But they are mine now. I will take ownership. I will handle them. You tried to teach me. I didn’t listen. I picked up bits and pieces. Enough along the way. I remember. I will make you proud.

The rain falls. I think of you. The days we snuggled. The days we did nothing. That didn’t happen often enough living in Arizona. I wish you were here. Today I am stuck. Tomorrow will be a new day. This is the way it goes. In, out, over, under, up, down, sideways, and back again. Life. It goes on. I just wish it wasn’t without you. Rain. Teardrops falling. I miss you. I will look for the rainbow and know you are smiling. It’s then that I will be smiling too.

rain 3

10 months

10 Months

10 Months

me and greggerTen months. Another month has passed. Another 30 days. Another 720 hours, 43,200 minutes, 2,592,000 seconds. But who’s counting? Well, I guess I still am. I count every hour, minute, second that you are gone. I still ache inside. I still feel empty. I still feel the loneliness of you not being beside me. It gets different. But it doesn’t get better. Today I was sharing the concept of death. The difference between knowing you are dying, sharing the time with loved ones, and dying suddenly. There is no good way. No right way. No easy way. They all suck! But I feel I was gipped out of saying so many things I would have wanted to say. So I’m going to pretend you can hear me now.

DSC_0749Being married to you was the greatest gift in my life. I know life was not always easy. Certainly I was not easy. As a matter of fact, I was one tough cookie. You had to put up with all my sh-t. And you did. All my illnesses, my moods, my injuries. You supported me, you were there for me. That last year was rough. Back surgery. Epidurals, week after week. More surgery. You were traveling. You raced home to be by my side. I will never forget talking to you on the phone (thinking you were in New York) and suddenly you were by my bedside. Priceless, unforgettable, so purely Gregger. Last year was just one small piece of that puzzle. There were so many other times you rushed from the store to be with me. Held my hand. Kissed my cheek. Rubbed my back. You were there.

You were such a giver. A giver of your love, your soul, your support. I just always wanted to give back as much. I hope you felt it. Knew it. You worked your ass off to give us a beautiful life when all we wanted was you. But you LOVED what you did. Your passion was your success. And I was so incredibly proud of your achievements. You had an art. The best of the best. I was ALWAYS so proud to stand by your side. Proud to be “the better half.”

You were and always will be my very best friend. We didn’t start out that way. We were lovers first. But we learned to be friends. And we became the VERY, VERY best. We talked. We shared. We laughed. We cried. We knew what the other was thinking. We could be silent and be okay. Best friend. I miss you.

Scan 13Dad. The best. You loved being a kid. You played right along with them. You were a softie, but you knew how to be firm. A role model in every way. Kindness. Compassion. Understanding. Selfless. Loving. Humble. Your kids are so proud to be your legacy. And you would be so proud of all of them. They are your shining stars.

Ten months. It still sucks. It still hurts. But I grow stronger every day. I think you would be proud. I try to be a better person. I try to be the best. I try to bring out the Gregger. It’s part of the gift you gave me. I love you. You will always be with me where ever I go. Because you are in my heart.