struggle

Struggling

I don't know why I'm having so much trouble lately. Well, maybe I do. My life is in disarray. Turmoil. Disorder. I like order. Control. I feel as though I'm on the edge of a teeter-totter. Hanging down. Bouncing up. Teetering side to side. Not sure where I'll land on any given day. Unsettling. It makes it difficult to find the words. But sometimes they come from other places. Just when I need it most. My son, Ryan, sent me beautiful words today. Words that made sense of my unsettled world. Words that brought me onto a straight plane. Rather than one that was teetering off balance. After feeling unsettled at a social event, these words comforted me. I no longer felt as alone as I did standing Read more [...]
the silence

The Silence

For the past year, I have spent more time in the space of my mind than I have for the past 61 years. I never really thought about the time I was alone. I filled the spaces. I knew the emptiness was short-lived. I knew Gregger was always coming back. To fill the space. The silence. But living alone is different. Hours go by without speaking. Hours where it's just me. Inside my head. And I have to decide. Good thoughts. Bad. Angry. Sad. I have control. I can turn the switch. On. Off. Louder. Softer. I can change the "station." Change my thoughts. Change my attitude. It sounds so elementary. Technically it is. Emotionally, maybe not. I enter my “space” and immediately want noise. Lucy greets Read more [...]
dont wait

Don’t Wait

I spent Labor Day weekend consumed with the U.S. Open. I am a tennis junkie. I guess that goes back to when the boys played, and it stuck. But I should not be watching alone. This was something Gregger and I did together. And this year we were supposed to be in New York. At the Open. That was the plan. But plans change. Life changes. And I'm here watching the matches on TV. Not in person. Not in New York. Not with Gregger. We had a lot of plans. We had our bucket list. In the last five to ten years, we were checking it off. But we had a long way to go. When you're young you think you have the whole world in front of you. There's always tomorrow. We put things off forever. Or so it seemed. First Read more [...]
home again

Home Again

“Home is where you go to find solace from the ever-changing chaos, to find love within the confines of a heartless world, and to be reminded that no matter how far you wander, there will always be something waiting when you return.” Love, support, friendship. I was blessed this past weekend. I was blessed to be surrounded by family and friends. I wasn’t sure about my decision. I was feeling guilty. I thought I should be with my kids. But it all turned out for the best. Everyone ended up right where they were supposed to be. Sometimes life makes our choices for us. And they turn out okay. I want to believe that’s what happened. Because we did okay. It was tough. Sad. But being surrounded Read more [...]
greg eveloff

Gregger’s Legacy…Today It Begins

I’ve started writing this post over and over again. I’ve gone in so many different directions. But the same thing keeps coming back to me. I am overwhelmed with the abundance of love and support that overflowed on Sunday for Gregger. Facebook messages, texts, phone calls, collages, and more. It was endless. It is still coming. But the messages had a common bond. And that’s what keeps coming back to me. One message stated, “ When someone like Greg leaves us, and because of his special personal magnitude of impact in all our lives, it's like trying to fill a huge universe black hole. So incredibly vast and infinitely impossible to fill!! A true testimony to a spirit that changed all Read more [...]
thank-you

Thank You

I’ve made it through the worst of times. Death. Firsts. And now it’s time to say “thank you.” I  need to divert from the blog for a bit. I would not have made it here without YOU. Family. Friends. Strangers. You helped me reach this road. You’ve been by my side on this journey. A journey that continues. A journey that looks toward the future instead of looking back in the past. I will always remember. I will hold the memories in my heart forever. And you have helped me. You have supported me in ways I never dreamed possible. You have given me strength when I thought my world was falling apart. Someone asked me the other day, “Are you overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support?” Read more [...]
one more day

One More Day

Dear Gregger, If I could have just one more day and wishes did come true, I'd spend every glorious moment side by side with you. Recalling all the years we shared and memories we made, how grateful I would be to have just one more day. Where the tears I've shed are not in vain and only fall in bliss, so many things I'd let you know about the days you've missed. I wouldn't have to make pretend you never went away, how grateful I would be to have just one more day. When that day came to a close and the sun began to set, a million times I'd let you know I never will forget. The heart of gold you left behind when you entered Heaven's gate, how grateful I would be to have Read more [...]
the first ten seconds

The First 10 Seconds

I have relived the events of August 30th so many times in my head. Rewind. Replay. I want a different ending. I don't get one. I want answers. They don't come. I heard the other day that within the first 10 seconds you have five immediate reactions to tragic news. I believe I experienced every single one. Flee - Run away. As fast as I can. This cannot be happening. If I run, escape, it will not be real. It is a movie playing out on the shore. Someone else's body. Not my husband's. Who are these people wrapping their arms around me? Let me go. I'm okay. I can go back to my chair. Soak up the sun. Listen to the waves slapping the shore. Peace. If I run, I can hide. If I hide, it will be okay. Read more [...]
looking-back

Looking Back…

For 51 weeks, 357 days, 8568 hours, 514,080 minutes, 30,844,800 seconds, I have tried to look forward. Be positive. Strong. But the memories are smacking me in the face. One year ago we left for the trip of our dreams. 12 days of "happy time." Together time. Family time. Hawaii. Beach. Sunshine. Sunsets. In a heartbeat, our lives changed. One day before we left, I posted this on my FB wall. "Everyone will go through some hard times at some point. Life isn't easy. Just something to think about..did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take Read more [...]
shining brightest in heaven

Stars in Heaven…Shining Brightest

In these days leading up to the "anniversary," I keep going back to the beginning. The moment I spotted Greg. And I just knew. 41 years ago. Bushy-haired guy, beer in hand, hanging at the pool. He never knew what hit him. And it hit him hard. He didn't stand a chance. Locked him out one night. Talked the night through. One date. And the rest was history. Inseparable. Partners. Lovers. Friends. My grandmother used to say, "You need to get down on your hands and knees. Every night. And pray. You need to thank God for giving Greg to you." I resented it. I thought, "What about me?" Shouldn't he thank God for me? Wasn't I good enough? I didn't get it. But as the years went by, I understood. He Read more [...]