For over 20 years, I have gazed out my kitchen window while sipping my morning coffee. What have I seen?  Hummingbirds fluttering by, bunnies hopping, sun rising in the east, and every now and then a few wispy clouds overhead. In 20 years I think I have been too oblivious, too caught up in the “view” before me. I have been too busy rushing to straighten up, get a load of laundry done, make Gregger’s oatmeal, or catch up on social media. In other words, I never realized what was right in front of me. When we traveled, the view became a whole different world. WE actually STOPPED. We saw the world through four eyes and it was beautiful!

•  the coastline of Italy while cruising the Mediterranean…standing on the balcony just staring at the vacant stretch of sea before us…mesmerized by the beauty that lay ahead.
• the Eiffel Tower from our balcony in Paris last year…Gregger sipping his morning Starbucks (yes, he found one next door to our hotel) and enjoying this splendid view!
• a harrowing chairlift ride (as I clung on for dear life) to the top of Anacapri gave us a breathtaking view of sparkling water and lush vegetation on the island of Capri
• a smelly mule ride to the top of Santorini blessed us with vast views of whitewashed homes, blue domed topped churches, and breathtaking ocean views from one of the most iconic landscapes in Greece
• shivering on the shores of Fisherman’s Wharf we could barely view the infamous Alcatraz due to fog, but we were lucky to make it over there and get an up close and personal view…
• the breathtaking view of the palm trees and ocean from our veranda in Maui (just this past August)…a view etched in my  memory. Our view for coffee, happy hour, playing games, pictures (lots and lots of pictures) or simply doing nothing but capturing the view. Our view of the best sunset…yellow, red, orange…clouds, shadows, in and out…beaming light to darkness signifying the end of another beautiful day together.

Tonight I sat on my patio and saw a different view of the sunset. One that changed drastically on August 30th. While I imagined Gregger sitting across from me, Jameson in hand, recounting his day at the store, my reality was an empty chair and silence.  My view has become a bit fuzzy and hazy.  I have had trouble sharpening the exposure, adjusting the color saturation, or hiding the shadows. It’s just different because I’m seeing it through two eyes instead of four.

Each day the lines become a little bit sharper, the colors slightly brighter, and the shadows start to diminish. I look out my window and I see the same bunny every morning…I see the same hummingbird swirling by the bush every morning and it makes me wonder. I look for signs in my view. It is so different, but different is okay. Sometimes different teaches us what we never would have known. I learn something new about myself every day. I look out my window and cherish that view. It’s a different view, but I will wrap my arms around different and embrace whatever awaits me.

Dear Gregger.

Six months…184 days…4,416 hours…264,960 minutes since we said “I love you” on the Maui beach. Six months since fate changed our lives forever. There’s so much I want to say to you, yet you aren’t here. I miss you. You know that. I love you. You know that too.

What you don’t know is that I get angry and hurt and mixed up and lost. Sometimes I go outside and look up at the stars and think I can see one twinkling so much brighter…is that you? I hate being angry, but sometimes it just happens. People say I am strong. I have tried to be and most days I am. Some days are just harder than others. Six months…this just seems to be a breaking point. I’m not mad at  you…I’m mad at the situation. It sucks that you’re not here. It sucks that we aren’t together…that we didn’t celebrate our 39th anniversary or your 61st birthday. These moments will come and they will go. Life will go on but it won’t ever be the same without you in it. I want you to know that and believe you are always in my heart. You made me a better person. You made me believe in myself. You gave me the strength to get through these crappy days…to know that I could do things I never thought I could do. Sometimes I smile because I know you would be so proud. That’s what gets me through another day. Thank you. You were my prince and this is my fairytale ending. It may not be the happily ever after I dreamed of, but dreams don’t always come true. Mine did for 40 years. I won’t be greedy…some people don’t get that in a lifetime. I miss your kiss. I miss holding your hand. I miss your call each night, but, most of all, I miss that raucous snore that kept me awake for hours. What I wouldn’t give for one more snore.

I hope you are getting the rest you so well deserved…that long awaited vacation. I believe you just wanted it to last a while longer. Couldn’t we have done that together? It’s okay. I just hope you are happy and at peace. One day soon I will be too. I’m getting there, day by day. It’s like putting the pieces of a puzzle together. The corners and outside edges are in place, but filling in the middle might take a little more time. I’ll keep you posted Gregger…we’ll always be in touch!

From my heart to yours, to the moon and back, I love you!

I pulled up my TimeHop this morning (a crazy app that turns back the hands of time), and I was slammed with this reminder from 4 years ago…

“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. I think it’s time to hit the ‘pause’ button.”

Rewind to 2010…kids gone establishing their own lives, Greg building businesses, and me, trying to keep balance between it all. Life should have slowed down, but it just seemed to increase in speed…the more time we had, the less we had.  I believe we were both striving for the same goals, the same “end” but Gregger worked his ass off to get there…he just didn’t know how to stop. He had so much passion for his stores, for making them bigger and better and while it took me a while to understand the incredible “drive,” I realized it was better to support than suppress. Whatever we sacrificed in time, we made up in quality because he was happy, but obviously at this time we were pushing too hard. Sometimes I think we just TRIED too hard to be happy and if it missed a beat, we thought all was ruined – what a silly perspective. Life isn’t about being happy for 8 hours on Sunday or 12 days on a vacation, it is about learning to be happy with the ups and downs of REAL LIFE. It’s learning to get through the bumps, the hills, and the mountains… If I had a quarter for all the times in 40 years we paused, rewound, or went back to “go,” I’d be a rich woman. The “pauses” can be the greatest moments in your life…they are the moments to reflect on your blessings…life somehow becomes richer, happier, and more beautiful.

We learned to pause…we learned to stop and smell the roses, see the sunsets, and recognize the blessings even when in overload mode. 

I am so grateful for EVERY PAUSE right now.

I reflect on those memories and smile…the pauses,  the commas, even the semi-colons were some of the best moments we shared…learning to love, laugh, and live with all the noise and madness…that’s what made it all worthwhile. Life has changed, but I still pause to reflect and remember…to count my blessings and be grateful…I hope four years from now I am still hitting that pause button to pursue happiness…it will never be the same without my Gregger, but I know he would want me to be happy, and that I will be.

Hit the Pause button now and then and enjoy the moment! They will string a lifetime of precious memories!