I’ve been off the grid. Nothing life shattering. Just. Life. In the past, I would have stressed. I’d push myself. Write. Get it done. Post. Something. Not now. I stop. And enjoy. Don’t get me wrong. I love writing. Connecting. Sharing. But life. It’s precious. And I need to enjoy. Cherish. And live. In. The. Moment. I don’t want to look back and say, “Shoulda.” I want to look back and say, “I did.” So. I am. Busy. With family. Friends. Baby. Sweet. Precious. Moments.

I spoke of this with a friend the other day. He was kind enough to point out the “unobvious.” “You are moving on. You are okay. You don’t need “outlets.” Or venting mechanisms. You’ve figured it out. And let go. He was right. And. It felt so good. A giant leap in the world of grief.

‘Tis the season. To be merry. Bright. Happy and light. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. But. Not for all. Despite the highs, the little “lows” creep in. We fight. We push back. No matter how hard “we” try, we can’t forget. We don’t want to. We should never forget. There is a piece missing. A piece that will never be replaced. Recovered. It’s an empty space. Whether it’s a day, a month, a year, or ten, the holiday season can be tough. Bittersweet. We are inundated with songs reminding us to surround ourselves with loved ones. Buying presents reminds us of the one we won’t buy this year or ever again. But. There is hope. And a way to survive the season with smiles. Follow your heart. Your way. And make the BEST of the holiday season.

Simple suggestions for holiday survival…

Share memories, stories, prayers to honor your lost loved one. Light a candle. Donate to a favorite charity. Display a picture or ornament amid holiday decorations.

Sit back. Take a break. Don’t try to overdo. The holidays. Still there. You can recreate them to be whatever YOU choose. Whatever feels good in YOUR life. At that moment. For now. Next year may be different. But honor today.

Support is crucial. Ask. Take. Give. It’s really okay. People want to help. More than not, they just don’t know how.

Surround yourself with positivity. It’s contagious.

Stop struggling with your feelings – feel them, accept them.

Say how YOU feel. If you’re happy, shout it out. If you’re sad, share it. Don’t stuff it or “suck it up” because you’re “supposed to.” Stuffing and suppressing leads to more “sucky” feelings. We all have “something.” Sharing is caring.

Serve others with the gift of yourself. Small services can fill your heart with an abundance of joy.

Spend the holiday with family and friends. They are the greatest gift we have. We may not wrap them. Or tie them with fancy bows. But they are there. Today. Tomorrow. Forever. With love.

Stay stress-free. Focus on NOW. Today. The “stuff” will be there tomorrow. Let it go. And just enjoy.

Seek out the blessings, gratitude. They are EVERYWHERE. Sometimes hidden. But if you look. You will find them. And they may even surprise you.

Select activities that bring joy. Smiles. And happy feelings.

Skip nonsensical activities. If you don’t care. Don’t go. If you’re stomach’s churning. Don’t go. If it doesn’t feel good. Don’t do it. Pick one. Maybe two. Push. A little. Outside the box. You’ll know. Your choice. Each year. Just might be a little different. Hope.

Speak up. If you don’t want to participate. Don’t. No rules. Just. Your rules. It’s okay. Whatever YOU choose. No judgements.

Set aside time for YOU. Exercise. Eat healthy. Sleep. Take care of you. You’re the only one you’ve got!

Surprise someone. It might jolt an unexpected joy in your heart.

Steer clear of those who pressure, “bring you down,” or simply cannot accept YOU! This is no time to doubt yourself, your feelings, or your actions. Believe in you. Honor yourself.

I am grateful for all of you. For your love, support, and friendship. You have comforted me through some of my toughest days. You may not know it. Emoji hearts. Words. And smiles. They all touch my heart. They have lifted my spirits and given me strength to move forward. To keep moving. To live. A very full life. It will never be the same. Holidays will never be the same. But. I am accepting the “different.” And that’s okay too.

Wishing all of you the happiest of holidays. May this year bring joy, love, and an abundance of peace.

The dating game. Sucks. Truly. I’m happy to say, I’m officially off the online market. Cannot take one more loser. Weirdo. Liar. Manipulator. I’d rather be alone. For the rest of my life. I decided. One more try. I had shut down. But again. I was bored. So why not? Check it out. Read the messages. They’re humorous. Entertaining. I was lured in. They were cheesy. But. Better than nothing. It was Saturday night. And there I was. Alone. On my couch. With Angel. How pathetic. One dude. Talked about feeling young. Acting young. Laughter. (I was ready. Laughter was enticing.) Surround yourself with happiness. Sounded good. On paper. Of course. Anyone can. Gave my number. Hated messaging on the site. Call me. Text me. Anything but the site. So he did. Texted first. Called soon after. Conversation. Decent. Laughter. Easy. Not bad. Lived an hour away. Not too close. Not too far. Wanted to come the next day. No time to think. So. I said okay. He set the time. Made plans. Cool. What the hell. I had nothing to lose. Right? Wrong!

Morning came. And went. No text. No call. I figured. Blow off. Again. I’m used to it. Add it to the journey. I kind of thought he’d been drinking. Couldn’t remember talking to me anyway. Oh well. And then. He called. Some story. Probably BS. But, an excuse. Running late. But, coming. Strike 1. I was over it. Wanted to chill on the couch. Empty my DVR. But that’s not how I’d ever move forward. So I picked my ass up and went. I walked into the restaurant. Searched the room. Headed straight to the bar. To the WRONG guy! Ugh! Saw him standing.  Dude: “Where were you going?” Me: “Just took my sunglasses off. Couldn’t adjust to the light.” WTF could I say? The other guy was old and ugly! Dude wasn’t bad. As far as my record had gone. But it was dark. Dressed okay. Kind of a pretty boy. Turns out he was a “pretty boy.” But that day wasn’t bad. Conversation. A bit weird. Thinking back. Really inappropriate. Especially. For a first date. But. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was trying to go with it. Dumb. Dumb. And. Dumber.

As the week went on, we talked. Texted. Not bad. Entertaining. Better than most. Kind of normal. But. Where was my perspective? Obviously. Distorted. Very. Very. Distorted. Ugh. He was coming back. The weekend. One day. Made a plan. After workout. After tanning. (As in spray? No. Bed. Ewww! Who does that anymore??) After sunning. (Really? You just tanned.) Around 12:30. I did my morning thing. Workout. Coffee. Came home. Got ready. 12:30. Came and went. Are you serious? And then came the text. “Fell asleep. Jumping in shower. On the road soon.” Well. I knew where I stood. On the priority list. Workout. Tan. Tan. Shower. Me. Two weeks in a row. Strike 2.

By the time “pretty boy” showed up, I was tired, cranky, and pissed. My head was swimming with words of advice from my more experienced sisters. He had barely stepped into my kitchen when I said, “My sister said I need your last name.” Pretty Boy: “Give her my phone number.” Me: “What’s that going to do? I asked for your last name.” Pretty Boy: “Have her call my work.” Me: “That’s not what I asked.” Dude never gave it to me. Strike 3. He should have been out. Me: Dumb. Dumber. And. Now. Dumbest!

Without the rest of the gory details, it went from bad to worse to gross and obnoxious. I. COULD. NOT. WAIT. FOR. HIM. TO. LEAVE! He got the message. Maybe. He was a nice guy. I don’t know. But. Let him be nice for some other lost soul. Not me.

But. I learned. This was another part of my journey. My dating journey. It may end here. Who knows? Or this may lead me to something greater. I’m learning what I want. What I don’t want. Online dating? Done. Long distance? No. Stop. Phonelationships. Textationships. Dating? In person. Face to face. Real dating. My rules. My way. I’ve never been stronger. And I like it that way. So. I’m back on the couch. For now. Just me and my Angel. Until next time.

 

“Grief is a big bowl to hold. It takes so many formations, so many textures and colors. You never know how or when it will rear its head and take a hold of you. Sometimes you cry unfathomably, some days you feel guilty because you haven’t cried, and in other moments you are so angry or filled with anxiety you just don’t know what to do.”

I thought I had won. The battle. Beaten the waves of emotion. It’s year four. I thought I’d passed. The tests. The hard stuff. The firsts. The surprises. The “creepers.” (Those grief moments that just appear.) But suddenly, it emerged. Like a tsunami. As tiny tremors, then earthquakes rocked my world, they unraveled the grief buried deep within. Rumbles. Shakes. And then. It surged. Like a storm. Reason? Don’t know. Subconscious trigger? Maybe. But it happened. While “real” tsunamis cause absolute devastation, “emotional” ones don’t. I survived. I weathered the storm. And I’m okay. It won’t be the first. Or the last. I’m lucky. Because. I know. I will be just fine.

Another lesson. Grief. It’s part of me. My soul. It’s there. So. I’m ready. No fear. No panic. Sometimes. My heart beats a bit faster. Or. My eyes fill with tears. Or. I might just feel. Something. But. I can do it with a smile. Still be happy. I’ve learned. It never goes away. It’s part of my being. It’s not something you tuck in a back pocket. And grab when grief calls. It’s just there. And you learn to live with it.

I’ve written about grief before. About the waves. And how to ride them. But in year four it’s different. It doesn’t weigh me down. I don’t feel heavy with sadness. Sorrow. Or loss. I focus on our blessings. (I say that a lot too.) Really focus. Think back to happy times. What we had. Our life. Our love. And how truly lucky I was to have so many beautiful years. How lucky I was to even have the bad ones. (And, yes, there were bad times. I’d be lying if I said they they were all perfect.) The bad times taught us how to appreciate the good. And now they teach me even more. How to appreciate each and every moment. To appreciate and love those in my life. To hug a little harder. Love a little more. And never, ever stop believing that life is good. Because it is.

In the words of Shania Twain, “Oh, life’s about joy, life’s about pain
Life’s about, life’s about to get good.” Oh yeah. Despite the pain. Despite the tears. Life’s about to get good.

 

I was never a big country western fan. But. Put my life to music. And I’m in. I’ll buy the track. The CD. Stream it. Download. Whatever. I’m a fan. The words. Resonate. Right to the beat of my heart. At the beginning of the grief journey, “you feel like you’re falling backwards. Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks. Like no one would even notice, if you left this town and never came back. You walk outside and all you see is rain. You look inside and all you feel is pain. And you can’t see it now. But down the road the sun is shining. In every cloud there’s a silver lining. Just keep holding on. And every heartache makes you stronger. But it won’t be much longer. You’ll find love, you’ll find peace. And the you you’re meant to be. I know right now that’s not the way you feel. But one day you will.” No one can tell you that. If they did, you’d look them straight in the face and either give them the “finger” or full on say, “FU!” But, with the mellifluent words of Lady Antebellum, you believe there’s light. Hope.

Then comes acceptance. Realizing this is the hand I was dealt. Accept with grace. Gratitude. Or wallow in pity. I prefer grace. And Carrie Underwood reminds me, “Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone, gone, gone. Faded into the setting sun, slipped away but I won’t cry. ‘Cause I know I’ll never be lonely. For you are the stars to me, you are the light I follow. I will see you again, this is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, ‘til I see you again. I can hear those echoes in the wind at night, calling me back in time, back to you, in a place far away where the water meets the sky. The thought of it makes me smile. You are my tomorrow. I will see you again. This is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, ‘til I see you again.” Gregger is everywhere. I see. I feel. I hear. I’m aware. I know. He’s beside me on my toughest days. He’s with me in my happiest moments. And I know. I will see him again. Hope.

And after some time. Time that seemed forever. Or a minute. Highs. Lows. Tears. A little laughter. With a pounding heart. And horrifying fear. It was time. I was “scared of love but scared of life alone. Seemed I’d been playing on the safe side. Building walls around my heart to save me. But it was time for me to let it go. I was ready to feel now. No longer was I afraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now without the fear of how it might end. I guess I’m ready to love again.” So my heart feels open. It’s beating again. But it’s not easy. Not sure if it’s me. Or them. But I’m open. And willing. Half the battle. Someday. One day. Hope.

For now, it’s me and my country music. Consoling. Comforting. And the stories of my life. The songs remind me. Of love, I’ve had. Beautiful memories. Love, I’ve lost. Much too soon. And love that’s meant to be. Someday.

I wrote my own “country song” (more like a poem) to the beat of my life. No music. Just words. Won’t make the Top 10. Won’t even make it to the country charts. But the words. Straight from my heart. And that’s as real as it gets. ❤️

 

My life its surely changing
I am hope’s white butterfly
Wings spread out wide open
Soaring through the big blue sky.
My heart had stopped its beating
And my soul was empty too
But hope it’s everlasting
As the scent of morning dew.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
I’ve made it through the worst of times
With feet still on the ground
This butterfly is soaring
Her heart and soul ‘been found.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
Tomorrow will be brighter
Live with peace and gratitude
Share the joy of every moment
It’s all ‘bout the attitude.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
Yes hope will last forever
It is locked inside my heart
By a very special angel
We will never be apart.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.

 

For a somewhat intelligent woman (or so I thought), why would I continue to subject myself to the idiocy of online dating? Boredom. Entertainment. Laughs. And, if nothing else, good writing material. Because. There are NO dates! They are contacts. Texts. Phone calls. Emojis. No meets. No dates. No happy endings. I call their MO. Games. BS. Lies. Players. Game over. Move on to your next relenting victim. Poor girl.

I have my own game. “Name the Player.” Because. At a glance, I know.

Emoji heart men: ❤️No words. Either they have nothing to say, can’t write, or are waiting for me to make the move. They’re still waiting. Lame. How do you respond to a heart emoji? Is that a conversation starter? Don’t think so.

Sympathy Guys: “I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you and your family. I hope you are ok.” Nice. Sweet. Sentimental. But. I don’t need pity. I respond with the basic, “Thank you. Much appreciated.” Conversation usually ends there. What did they want? Rescue me? Tears or soulful exposure? Nope. Not going to happen.

Non-conversationalists: “Hello. How are you?” At this given moment? Overall? What the hell does that mean? I’m fine. Great. Sick. Bored. Happy. Overwhelmed. Elated. Pick one. All of the above. Whatever suits you. Sometimes they respond. Often not. Ever. Again. What are they looking for? How else do you respond to “Hello. How are you?” Dumb. Moving on. 

Emoji Smiley guys: ? Cool. Does that mean you’re happy? Or is it supposed to make me deliriously happy? Not sure. And how does one respond to an emoji? As far as I’m concerned, the best response is ? back. So, most conversations end there.

Pity parties: Sometimes it’s clear from the get go, I AM NOT interested. Whether it’s physical, profile, or proximity. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. So I choose not to respond. Mr. Pity party: “Alas. It looks like I’ve been relegated to the junk heap of unanswered dating website emails! So sad, too bad as I thought we shared much in common that could have been the beginning of something good. I guess I will take the silence as uninterested and good luck in your search for what we are both looking for.” Sorry to be harsh (if that’s what silence is) but no response seemed better than a phony one!

Empathizers: Sweet but still no go! “I know how you feel about age and life’s tragedies! You’re just not wired to deal with the unexpected. Specially if you are with that special someone, your best friend, the one that completes you and defines you. All of a sudden you find you’re not ready to be alone, and that those special moments just don’t seem so special if you can’t share them. I just turned 65, feel better than I did in my late 40’s. I exercise regularly, do my core every day, yet I’m 65. (I love that!) Seems to me that women look down on a man that likes younger women, but they don’t want to date a man their age or a few years older. And if you looked at all the ladies on the site that are 50??? Not buying it! If you are interested in meeting a man that’s honest, sincere, and loyal as a Labrador, write to me.” I have a dog. Thank you. She’s honest, sincere, and loyal. Probably more so than you’ll ever be. See ya! 

Lookers: “Good morning. I am looking for a good friend where things could grow into something more.” Okay, keep looking! If you have to tell me what you’re looking for, I’m not interested. It has to grow organically! 

Never marrieds: “Looking for a friend, and dating, like a man in construction, will do honey do lists, enjoy (spelled it injoy) being happy, enjoy (again spelled injoy) being by the ocean).” If you can’t spell, or at least spell-check, you’re not for me! Never-marrieds. Red flag! With a capital RF!!

Ego man: Relentless messages should scream desperation! But I was too young in the game. What did I know? I gave in. Agreed to a call. Ego man: “What’s your real name?” Margo. Ego man: “Why don’t you go by that? It’s much nicer than Mikki.” Okay. We are off and running. Great start. Ego man: “So you work out. Where?” Equinox. OrangeTheory. Ego Man: “Oh those are just classes. Men don’t do classes.” Since when? And since when was Equinox, a beautiful gym, equipped to the max, ONLY classes catering to women. NOT! Ego Man: “Meet me at the Promenade.” The Promenade? WTF? When I said I didn’t know what or where it was, Ego Man responded: “How long have you lived here? What do you mean you don’t know where it is?” I knew it was over before it ever started! Little did he know I was going to be VERY sick in a few days. Date over. Ego man! You lose.

Bible man: Professes love from the get-go. Goes off the dating site after one email. Decides we’re meant for each other because God says so. He’s a widower. So. We were meant to be together. Quotes Bible verses. Tells me to pray for him in church on Sunday when I specifically said I was Jewish. But, swears he’s a good listener! Writes pages and pages of emails. Bible messages. Descriptions, definitions of love and life. My lack of response means nothing. Go read the Bible. You’ll get more love from the good book than me. Ever! Sorry! 

Repeaters: Guys who send the same message. Word for word. Pure sincerity. Not! Copy. Paste. Ditto. Duh. Idiots. They sent the identical message. One month ago. Sad part. They don’t remember!

Ghosters: Those who profess love. Write emails. Text. Morning, noon, and night. Progress to phone calls. Decent conversation. Opens the door to hope. And then. Poof! Gone! Vanished. No where to be seen or heard from. Ever. Again. Good riddance!

So dating. Bust! I think I’ll put it on the back burner for a while. Let the dating gods figure it out. Or Gregger. Maybe he has a better plan. Because I’m done. No more games. Players. Liars. Losers. Back to the couch. Just me and my Angel. Such is life. And love. For now.