Author: Mikki Eveloff

I was never a big country western fan. But. Put my life to music. And I’m in. I’ll buy the track. The CD. Stream it. Download. Whatever. I’m a fan. The words. Resonate. Right to the beat of my heart. At the beginning of the grief journey, “you feel like you’re falling backwards. Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks. Like no one would even notice, if you left this town and never came back. You walk outside and all you see is rain. You look inside and all you feel is pain. And you can’t see it now. But down the road the sun is shining. In every cloud there’s a silver lining. Just keep holding on. And every heartache makes you stronger. But it won’t be much longer. You’ll find love, you’ll find peace. And the you you’re meant to be. I know right now that’s not the way you feel. But one day you will.” No one can tell you that. If they did, you’d look them straight in the face and either give them the “finger” or full on say, “FU!” But, with the mellifluent words of Lady Antebellum, you believe there’s light. Hope.

Then comes acceptance. Realizing this is the hand I was dealt. Accept with grace. Gratitude. Or wallow in pity. I prefer grace. And Carrie Underwood reminds me, “Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone, gone, gone. Faded into the setting sun, slipped away but I won’t cry. ‘Cause I know I’ll never be lonely. For you are the stars to me, you are the light I follow. I will see you again, this is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, ‘til I see you again. I can hear those echoes in the wind at night, calling me back in time, back to you, in a place far away where the water meets the sky. The thought of it makes me smile. You are my tomorrow. I will see you again. This is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, ‘til I see you again.” Gregger is everywhere. I see. I feel. I hear. I’m aware. I know. He’s beside me on my toughest days. He’s with me in my happiest moments. And I know. I will see him again. Hope.

And after some time. Time that seemed forever. Or a minute. Highs. Lows. Tears. A little laughter. With a pounding heart. And horrifying fear. It was time. I was “scared of love but scared of life alone. Seemed I’d been playing on the safe side. Building walls around my heart to save me. But it was time for me to let it go. I was ready to feel now. No longer was I afraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now without the fear of how it might end. I guess I’m ready to love again.” So my heart feels open. It’s beating again. But it’s not easy. Not sure if it’s me. Or them. But I’m open. And willing. Half the battle. Someday. One day. Hope.

For now, it’s me and my country music. Consoling. Comforting. And the stories of my life. The songs remind me. Of love, I’ve had. Beautiful memories. Love, I’ve lost. Much too soon. And love that’s meant to be. Someday.

I wrote my own “country song” (more like a poem) to the beat of my life. No music. Just words. Won’t make the Top 10. Won’t even make it to the country charts. But the words. Straight from my heart. And that’s as real as it gets. ❤️

My life its surely changing
I am hope’s white butterfly
Wings spread out wide open
Soaring through the big blue sky.
My heart had stopped its beating
And my soul was empty too
But hope it’s everlasting
As the scent of morning dew.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
I’ve made it through the worst of times
With feet still on the ground
This butterfly is soaring
Her heart and soul ‘been found.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
Tomorrow will be brighter
Live with peace and gratitude
Share the joy of every moment
It’s all ‘bout the attitude.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
Yes hope will last forever
It is locked inside my heart
By a very special angel
We will never be apart.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.

For a somewhat intelligent woman (or so I thought), why would I continue to subject myself to the idiocy of online dating? Boredom. Entertainment. Laughs. And, if nothing else, good writing material. Because. There are NO dates! They are contacts. Texts. Phone calls. Emojis. No meets. No dates. No happy endings. I call their MO. Games. BS. Lies. Players. Game over. Move on to your next relenting victim. Poor girl.

I have my own game. “Name the Player.” Because. At a glance, I know.

Emoji heart men: ❤️No words. Either they have nothing to say, can’t write, or are waiting for me to make the move. They’re still waiting. Lame. How do you respond to a heart emoji? Is that a conversation starter? Don’t think so.

Sympathy Guys: “I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you and your family. I hope you are ok.” Nice. Sweet. Sentimental. But. I don’t need pity. I respond with the basic, “Thank you. Much appreciated.” Conversation usually ends there. What did they want? Rescue me? Tears or soulful exposure? Nope. Not going to happen.

Non-conversationalists: “Hello. How are you?” At this given moment? Overall? What the hell does that mean? I’m fine. Great. Sick. Bored. Happy. Overwhelmed. Elated. Pick one. All of the above. Whatever suits you. Sometimes they respond. Often not. Ever. Again. What are they looking for? How else do you respond to “Hello. How are you?” Dumb. Moving on. 

Emoji Smiley guys: ? Cool. Does that mean you’re happy? Or is it supposed to make me deliriously happy? Not sure. And how does one respond to an emoji? As far as I’m concerned, the best response is ? back. So, most conversations end there.

Pity parties: Sometimes it’s clear from the get go, I AM NOT interested. Whether it’s physical, profile, or proximity. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. So I choose not to respond. Mr. Pity party: “Alas. It looks like I’ve been relegated to the junk heap of unanswered dating website emails! So sad, too bad as I thought we shared much in common that could have been the beginning of something good. I guess I will take the silence as uninterested and good luck in your search for what we are both looking for.” Sorry to be harsh (if that’s what silence is) but no response seemed better than a phony one!

Empathizers: Sweet but still no go! “I know how you feel about age and life’s tragedies! You’re just not wired to deal with the unexpected. Specially if you are with that special someone, your best friend, the one that completes you and defines you. All of a sudden you find you’re not ready to be alone, and that those special moments just don’t seem so special if you can’t share them. I just turned 65, feel better than I did in my late 40’s. I exercise regularly, do my core every day, yet I’m 65. (I love that!) Seems to me that women look down on a man that likes younger women, but they don’t want to date a man their age or a few years older. And if you looked at all the ladies on the site that are 50??? Not buying it! If you are interested in meeting a man that’s honest, sincere, and loyal as a Labrador, write to me.” I have a dog. Thank you. She’s honest, sincere, and loyal. Probably more so than you’ll ever be. See ya! 

Lookers: “Good morning. I am looking for a good friend where things could grow into something more.” Okay, keep looking! If you have to tell me what you’re looking for, I’m not interested. It has to grow organically! 

Never marrieds: “Looking for a friend, and dating, like a man in construction, will do honey do lists, enjoy (spelled it injoy) being happy, enjoy (again spelled injoy) being by the ocean).” If you can’t spell, or at least spell-check, you’re not for me! Never-marrieds. Red flag! With a capital RF!!

Ego man: Relentless messages should scream desperation! But I was too young in the game. What did I know? I gave in. Agreed to a call. Ego man: “What’s your real name?” Margo. Ego man: “Why don’t you go by that? It’s much nicer than Mikki.” Okay. We are off and running. Great start. Ego man: “So you work out. Where?” Equinox. OrangeTheory. Ego Man: “Oh those are just classes. Men don’t do classes.” Since when? And since when was Equinox, a beautiful gym, equipped to the max, ONLY classes catering to women. NOT! Ego Man: “Meet me at the Promenade.” The Promenade? WTF? When I said I didn’t know what or where it was, Ego Man responded: “How long have you lived here? What do you mean you don’t know where it is?” I knew it was over before it ever started! Little did he know I was going to be VERY sick in a few days. Date over. Ego man! You lose.

Bible man: Professes love from the get-go. Goes off the dating site after one email. Decides we’re meant for each other because God says so. He’s a widower. So. We were meant to be together. Quotes Bible verses. Tells me to pray for him in church on Sunday when I specifically said I was Jewish. But, swears he’s a good listener! Writes pages and pages of emails. Bible messages. Descriptions, definitions of love and life. My lack of response means nothing. Go read the Bible. You’ll get more love from the good book than me. Ever! Sorry! 

Repeaters: Guys who send the same message. Word for word. Pure sincerity. Not! Copy. Paste. Ditto. Duh. Idiots. They sent the identical message. One month ago. Sad part. They don’t remember!

Ghosters: Those who profess love. Write emails. Text. Morning, noon, and night. Progress to phone calls. Decent conversation. Opens the door to hope. And then. Poof! Gone! Vanished. No where to be seen or heard from. Ever. Again. Good riddance!

So dating. Bust! I think I’ll put it on the back burner for a while. Let the dating gods figure it out. Or Gregger. Maybe he has a better plan. Because I’m done. No more games. Players. Liars. Losers. Back to the couch. Just me and my Angel. Such is life. And love. For now. 

Needless to say, after “Scam Man” I was leery. I was safer on the couch. With Angel. Maybe that’s where I belonged. Forever. But I was bored. So I started surfing. Again. What had I missed? Views. Messages. Matches. Not much. Nothing of interest. Some decent. But thousands of miles away. What was the point? Maybe one. Not bad. Potential. Lived close. Older. Meet for wine? Why not? In one minute. I knew. Ugh. Waste of time. Could I wine and dash? Yep! Used Angel as my excuse. Poor pup. Been home alone all day. Needed to walk her. Or so I said.  I was BORED to tears. Scanned the bar for cuter guys. Nothing. Bored with his stories. His questions. His conversation. His looks. Basically. Everything. Get. Me. Home. Loser #2. In the books.

A few days later, LA Dude (another one) connects. Should have been my first sign! One pic. Sign #2. But he looked okay. Not great. Okay. I was settling. Sad. Good profile. But. What did I know? Could be all lies. He messaged me. I returned a generic note. I’d learned. Give little. LA Dude: Why don’t we exchange phone numbers? That seemed reasonable. Hated being on the site. A day went by. Single text. LA Dude: “Hello.” Okay. Who the hell are you? LA Dude: “I’m the guy from the dating site. Why don’t you give me your email? I want to write you and tell you about myself.” Um. This was sounding a bit strange. But. Again. What did I know? I punched it in. Without thinking. Easy. He was gathering info. Smart dude. Two days went by. And I got the bio.

My Hobbies – I love to go to the beach/lake, watch movies , listen to music , dance , travel , cooking and Reading. I enjoy learning new things, trying new things and going to new places. I am an easy going guy. I love nature and love the simple things in life. I am looking for that special person to share all this moment with. I love to swim, run, i love watching soccer and would love to learn how to golf.l am new to this internet dating and hoping to meet the right person on here. For work, I am a Contractor by profession in both residential and commercial building. My favorite cuisine is Italian and sea food. Please tell me that you know how to make nice pasta and spaghetti … LOL .I am fun loving,cool,simple and outgoing kinda guy.I enjoy what life has to offer. I like to go somewhere I can enjoy cool fresh air , like flowers and natural water. Though i have had ups and downs in my life, but i am determined to succeed .I am independent and i live alone.. 2 years ago, my Ex-girlfriend cheated on me and i was heartbroken that’s why l had to relocate for reasons best known to me. With the kind of business i do, i get to travel a lot and I have been to some countries { saudi-arabia , Japan , Australia, south America , Greece , Jamaica , Germany , south Korea }.I am looking for a traveling partner, its so boring traveling alone.I value a woman that is honest, loving, caring, understanding, patient, communicative, great listener, loves to laugh, loves to travel, loves kids, romantic.The most beautiful combination of these things is found in women, if it’s creative and different I’d love to do it with her.Well I don’t know if am saying too much at the moment.How long have you been on this dating site ??? I would love to hear more about you, your family and anything you want me to know about. I am a good listener ok. So please let me hear from you.. Also send more Pictures of you. I hope this gives you a better view of my kind of person. Looking forward to your email. 

Ugh! I felt like I was interviewing for a “job position.” Did I fit the role? I don’t make pasta. I don’t even eat it. Don’t want to hear the pity party about the ex-girlfriend. Heartbreak. Blah, blah, blah. He sounded like a whiny teenage girl! I could be a traveling partner, but so could a dog. Honestly, everything about this guy screamed, “Get a dog!” It would give him all the unconditional love he needed! Again. I responded generically. Didn’t want to lead him on. I knew I wanted this to end. But. I had to learn a stronger approach. Either that or the guy was just trying too hard. Because he read me ALL WRONG. This is what I got!

Been home all alone {very lonely, if you know what i am talking about }, doing some paper work for a contract that i am looking forward to get. it’s really amazing how this online dating works,but l am here to meet the right person and my ideal woman is a woman that will love,adore,respect,care,understand and cherish me for who l am and not what l am.If she’s got all this features then age and beauty will just be by the side. l am a nice and easy going person with good sense of humor. l take life as it comes,l would love us to get to know each other better.

Thoughts Of Passion:
thrill; pacify: lull: cradle:
Thoughts of You, rush at my skin,
Like wind whipping at my soul,
Setting my body on fire,
With the thrill of your touch.
Anticipating the rush,
I depict the warmth of our bodies,
Intertwined under the full moon,
Until our souls are pacified.
As I soak in the pool of bliss,
Feeling the ecstasies of eternity,
Desiring an encounter with you,
Lulls me into a paradise of dreams.
Living with passionate memories,
Carries me through life’s daily rituals,
But at the end of the day,
I cradle your love, deep within my heart.
Lots Of Hugs and kisses

Good God! Disturbing to say the least! Done! Done! And DONE! I’m not sure if he’s wallowing in self-pity somewhere or sharing that poem with other innocents in the dating world. God help them! Weirdo #3 was in the books! Moving on…when life changes your plans you never know what it has in store for you! Well thanks for giving me the crazies! Not sure where the lesson is in this one, but I guess I’ll find it somewhere along the way…

What are friends for? They are there to lift you up when you’re down. To hold your hand through the good times and bad. And to sign you up for online dating when they think it’s time! I didn’t have the guts to do it alone. I filled out the forms. Three, four, six. Who knows? But I never followed through. So when my sweet friend said she wanted to talk to me one Sunday, I never suspected it was about my dating! She said it was time to move on. And she was there to give me that nudge. Push. A giant shove. And that’s what it took.

So I was official. Now what? Wait until someone contacted me? Or scan through the hoards of prospects, hoping that one might actually be a “real match?” I’d heard enough horror stories through the years to know this was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Within minutes my phone beeped. Someone viewed you. Someone liked you. Someone messaged you. Interesting. Intriguing to say the least. Good for the ego. Until. I checked. Ugh! While I wasn’t expecting George Clooney (well, that would be amazing!), I did want a little class, distinction, grooming. Not! Here’s what I got. Tatted, Harley dudes. Swipe. “One pic” guys hiding behind shades. Swipe. Selfies with half faces. A nose. Swipe. Big bellies in wife beaters. Swipe. Entertainment. To say the least. And then came LA widow. Single father. Decent looking. Seemed normal. Nice enough. Multiple pics. Messaged me. Simple responses. Basic. It was a start. I figured. Why not? Give it shot. What did I have to lose? He jumped in. Quickly. Texted. First thing in the morning. Sweet messages. Felt a little creepy. Whatever. More in the afternoon. Emails. A little too “gushy.” Sentiments I never expressed. But he believed. Red flag!

“Where would I be if I had not met you? I’ll tell you where; I would still be lonely looking for that special someone to make me smile again. We found each other at just the right time. The distance that is between us is only going to make us stronger and there is less of a chance that we will take each other for granted. The weeks that we are apart, I look forward to the day that we are together. Everything that I have been through has only prepared me for this period. You are awesome and not to be taken lightly. The feelings that we share is beautiful. If I had met you earlier in my life maybe I wouldn’t appreciate you as much. I thank God every day I wake up that I decided to register on the site.I like you, and the way you make me feel, everyday.”

He was in Canada (or so he said) on business. Working a job. Sent me pics of himself and his son. Could have been anyone. He called one night. His voice was so beyond strange. My gut was reeling. He’d told me something about a complicated upbringing. Was he forewarning me? Not sure. Said his mother was Jamaican. Father from Texas. He grew up in Jamaica and came to the US twenty years ago. But the accent was weird. It didn’t fit. I could be off base. But intuition kept whispering, “something’s not right.” I went along. Took the calls. Messages. Cautiously. Until the second week. His tone changed. Sad. Down. And I knew. I told my sister. This is going to be about money. And I was spot on. I asked. Something wrong? “Apparently” his email had been hacked. Bank account had been hacked. And funny enough he needed money to finish the job in Canada to get back to his job in LA. Really? Did he think I was such a fool? Could I lend him $5200 until the following Tuesday? He’d pay me back with interest. I wanted to say, “Sure. Let me have my financial guy wire you the money. You loser.” What kind of idiot did he think I was? Needless to say, I did not fall for his game. But. He was the idiot. The following morning he texted, “I guess you fell asleep last night. I didn’t hear from you. I hope I’ll hear from you today and you’ll help me out.” I wrote. “Good luck.” His response, “I guess this means you don’t want to talk to me anymore.” Are you f-ing kidding me? Either I was a fool or this guy was out there in left field! The next day it continued. “Does this mean we’re not going to meet?” Oh, good God! Did I have to fly a banner that said, “I’M NOT AN IDIOT!!” I did not respond. A day later, “I respect your decision not to talk to me. I am weeding out all the bad people in my life so I won’t be talking to you anymore.” Wait? I was the “bad” person. Weed away dude! Good riddance! So, I dipped my toe into the online dating game, and this is what I got. Weirdo #1. In the books! The game goes on…

I’ve talked about moving on. Changing. Learning. And growing. But I took a giant leap of faith in January. I decided it was time. Time to step out. Put myself “out there.” I was tired of spending lonely nights at home. Snuggled with Angel. She’s great. Don’t get me wrong. But conversations are a drag. One-sided. So. I put it out to the universe. I was going to start DATING. Dating? What the hell did I know about dating! I hadn’t dated in over 45 years! And even then, I wasn’t a dater! I had boyfriends. When one broke up with me, soon after, I had another. Long term. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t have a string of boyfriends. Two, maybe three, in high school. And then. The Gregger. Two months into that. And I was engaged. So dating? I was a novice. Bar hopping? No way! Dinner alone? Never! My bold move. Starbucks. Peet’s. Head buried in my computer. Not exactly approachable in my book.
So. I threw it out. Universe. Help me. Find me a nice guy. A real one. I couldn’t face the onslaught of, dare I say, Online Dating. Ugh! I couldn’t do it. Dig through hearts, smileys, and emails. Distorted pictures, fuzzy images, and other “bs.” Somehow decipher the “good” from the “bad.” Was I so overwrought with the whole concept that I believed it would just “happen?” Again? Let the universe take charge. Whatever happened to meeting someone organically? Happenchance. The gym. Coffee shop. Grocery store. Who knew? It happens. In the movies. My dreams. But. I could hope. I had my head in the clouds. The dating clouds. But. It did. Or so I thought. I was sitting at my favorite spot one day. It was the day I decided to write again. While lost in my words, I caught a glimpse of a rather cute guy sitting at the table across from me. I felt the energy. I knew he was looking. Watching. I kept my head down. Pretended to be working. I wasn’t sure what to do. So I pretended to write. Type. Look at my book. Stay unapproachable. I have no idea what I wrote or read. I just felt energy shooting between us. When I got up to throw my cup away, he grabbed my attention. We talked. Connection. Easy. Commonalities. He took my number. My first. He texted. Again the next day. Called the next. And we planned to get together. I was a teenage girl. All over again. Butterflies. Nerves. What do I wear? What would I say? But. It was easy. Surprised me. I expected less. Or more. Hard. I don’t know. Anything but easy. But he made it easy for me. Comfortable. We talked. About everything. It was nice. I felt freer. Lighter. Having Fun. Something I thought I’d never have again.
A few fun dates. Simple. Carefree. Exactly the way I would want them to be. And then not. Wishy-washy. Games. My first lesson in the good old dating game! After being married for nearly 40 years, I dove head first into a pile of “you know what!” I questioned myself. My words. My thoughts. Everything. And it sent me backwards. Straight into a spiral. Of grief. I relived Gregger’s death. Over and over again. Ugh! I hit rock bottom. But I couldn’t allow him or “this” to control my emotions. He’s tiptoed back in and out. But I’ve learned. And moved on. Not that it’s gotten any better! Oh Lord! The stories I will tell…until next time!

If you have any stories to share, I would love to hear them! Submit to mikkieveloff@gmail.com

Along this grief journey I discovered the most amazing thing. Me. For so much of my life, I’ve lived in a bubble. Safe. Protected. Secure. I’ve been defined by others. Wife. Mother. Daughter. Sister. I was busy taking care. Nurturing. And pleasing. And then. The bubble BURST.

There I was. No protection. No one holding my hand. Just me. I HAD to make choices. I HAD to take notice. I HAD to see life as what it was. I had a choice. Bury myself. Or take it on. A gift. My turn. To just be me. Whatever I wanted that to be. Anyone. Recreate. Start over. My second chance. My chapter two. For so long I was trying to be something else. Please others. I realized that I’d somehow gotten lost in the midst of all those other identities. Slowly, I was discovering a new version of me. I was a person who wanted to find joy. Embrace the blessings and not the misfortunes. Cherish the moments and not wait for tomorrow. I wanted to LIVE. Because I knew how precious life could be. I knew it could be taken away in a flash. And then all that’s left are the dashes between the years. No. I didn’t want to JUST wait. I wanted every moment to count. I wanted to be kind. Giving. Sensitive. Sincere. Honest. And real. I embraced the “attitude of gratitude.”

Some days I look in the mirror and say, “Who are you?” I don’t recognize the “new” me. But I like her. She’s happy. Fun. Light. Free. Even in a time of loss, I focus on the beautiful life we had, not the one we missed. I think of our greatest memories, our highs and lows, the journey that took us to the end, and cherish it all. Do I wish I’d had more? Of course! But dwelling on what’s not to be won’t bring it back. So I look forward. Breathe. And keep being me. Learning. Loving. And living. Every. Single. Day.

Gregger’s death impacted every aspect of my life. Me. Of course. One minute. A wife. The next. A widow. (Ugh. Who would have thought?) Single parent (Really?). My kids. Fatherless. My family. Parents. Siblings. Nieces. Nephews. All impacted. All changed. Empty space. Cracked. Broken.

And friends. What about friends? Where were they? Some. Rushed to my side. Others. Cowered. Fear? Maybe. Death. Changes things. Grief. Changes things. Friendships. Relationships. Contacts. Some who were forefront, faded. Disappeared. Others who had drifted were front and center.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

I learned. True friends are those who offer support, love, compassion and understanding when they don’t really understand. They are just there. (I would name each and everyone of you if I could. I hope you know who you are.) They come. They stay. To sit in the silence. To talk. To cry. To hold my hand. Or just do nothing. Just be. But they show up. Day after day. Week after week. And I know we’ll be there for each other. People come in and out of our lives. It happens. But in times of loss, we need our “people” most. And those who stay for the long haul, those are the “real” ones. They let you talk about the happy times. Loss. Memories. They are present. I lost MY BEST friend. The friend I believed would be by my side forever. We shared everything. We were ONE. When Gregger left this earth I felt like half my soul left too. I never needed to surround myself with “people.” I wasn’t a “girl’s girl.” Not big on “out to lunches.” No “girl trips.” I had Gregger. But suddenly I was alone. Moving. New city. New life. Now what? I had to break the barriers. Open my soul. Let people in. And soon I discovered the true value of friendship. Those who are there to protect. Listen. Pick me up when I’m ready to fall. I am forever grateful to my friends who bring sunshine to the cloudiest of days. They are slowly filling empty spaces in my heart. I hear it beating once again.

Writing has opened other avenues. Connecting me with people who touch my life. My heart. Old friends. New friends. Strangers. But we are bound by the commonality of emotions. Stirred by loss. Death. Divorce. Detachment. All loss. Maybe different types of grief. But grief, nonetheless. Pain. Heartache. And learning to move on. We are here. To Live. And we will. One day. At a time.

Starting over. Never easy. Going back. Tougher than tough.  Memories rush like a torrential flood. I returned to our roots. Arizona. My first return since moving to San Diego. I anticipated heartache and pain. I expected a barrage of emotions upon my return. “Our home.” But. I survived. I not only survived, I realized how far I’d come in this journey. No gloom and doom. Only joy. For the memories we’d shared. The life we’d built. Lived. And appreciating the onset of my Chapter Two. I saw friends. Great friends. Friends I miss. But they live there. And I live somewhere else. We are bound in friendship. Love. Always will be. Just as the bond between Gregger and me will never be broken. But life goes on. And I must too. Friends acknowledged my optimism. Joy. Sense of tranquility. Such a compliment. They could see what was shining from the inside out. It validated my decision to move. Best decision ever!

This past week I faced the “are you ok” questions. Again. Gregger’s three year “mark” of leaving this earth. But. This time I had “new” answers. Not just ok. Not just a nod of my head. Pretense. Real. Settled. At peace. Confident. Starting over was smart. Maybe not for others. But it was for me. AZ had too many reminders. Past. I would have been stuck. Moving gave me the opportunity to grow. To learn. To discover. I am still learning. Still growing. Still discovering. Every day is a new beginning. Look forward instead of looking back. The memories will always be there. I hold them in my heart. But tomorrow is mine. Bring it on. I have truly found that there is nothing that can teach me more about life than losing the one I loved most.  

Year 4 here we go.

Dear Gregger,

Three years. 36 months, 1095 days, 26,280 hours, 1,576,800 minutes, 94,608,000 seconds. An eternity. A moment. Whatever. It’s Time. Your time. From earth to shining star. In heaven. Some say anniversary. Of death. Morbid. Others say Death-aversary. Morbid. I say Celebration. Of life. Today is not a day for mourning. Or tears. It’s a day to celebrate. You. And all that you gave. To me. Your kids. Family. Friends. And so many others. We traveled many roads together in our 40 years. This is one journey I’ve had to make on my own. It sucks. But with your love and guidance, I’m still standing.

If I could have just one more day you know what I would do? I’d hold your hand tighter. Hug you harder. Talk incessantly. Until your ears couldn’t handle anymore. I’d tell you how you filled my life with love, laughter, joy, and a little heartache. I’d tell you how lucky I was to have “our perfect.” I’d tell you about my “new life.” Not the same. But good. Different. Kind, generous, compassionate people. Like you. I’d tell you how people miss you. Your light. Your laughter. Your grace. I’d tell you about your kids. Amazing. Each one exhibiting virtues to honor you. You’d be so proud. And the newest addition. Baby Cruz Greyson. Your namesake. I see you. In him. His eyes. His smile. Baby Cruz. A light. A joy. A blessing. You must know. For you are his angel.  

Three years. It doesn’t get easier. Grief never ends. There’s no expiration date. It just gets different.

Year 1. Blur. Shock. Numbness. Tears. Endless chores. Fear. Panic. Tears. Survival.

Year 2. Reality. Loneliness. Sadness. Tears. Hell. Reality. Gone. Forever.

Year 3. Acceptance. Rebuilding. Redefining. This is my life. I will be ok. I may not like it. Certainly not my choice. But I’ll be ok. I’ll always love you. Always miss you. But. I know I can conquer life’s challenges with courage, strength and determination. One day at a time.

So. Today we celebrate you. Cheers. To a life well lived. You left a legacy behind. A legacy based on love, integrity, generosity, and kindness. We will carry on. My heart is yours. Forever. Peace and love.

Here we go. Year 4…

1091 days. Take me back. Life was nearly perfect. 1091 days. Take me back. Hawaii. Vacation. Celebrating. Life. Healthy. Happy. In love. Life was good. 38 plus years. Together. We had our bumps. The roller coaster. Of love. And life. But we’d made it. We were friends. Best friends. And lovers. We’d survived. Kids. College. Weddings. The worst of times. The best of times. I try to remember. All of it. “The saddest moment is when the person who gave you the best memories, becomes a memory.” 1091 days. Since you left. Gregger. YOU became THE memory. Every memory. But. Memories fade. Edges blur. Colors fade. And then. The focus. Disappears. If only. I could freeze frame. Protect. Restore.

Funny how our mind works for us. It edits. Prepares. Alters. Deletes. Arranges. Splices. Bits. Pieces. Memories. Until the only ones left are good. Happy. Gratifying. Peaceful. This just kind of happens when someone dies. And that’s ok. I want to remember the best. The good. Who cares if we fought about bagels? (Ok. So I still remember. And, yes, it’s true.) Or what kind of car we were going to buy? (What a waste!) EDIT. Remember. The best of the best.

Gregger. 1091 days. Since you left this earth. And left a legacy behind. I continue my crusade. #TheChainofGoodness #HonorGregger EDIT. Don’t wait for memories. Practice. Today. EDIT. Your space. Your life. EDIT. Think. Of the good. The happy. The peaceful. EDIT. Family. Friends. Love. Unconditionally. Forgive. With compassion. EDIT. Let go. Of the past. Of hurt. Of negativity. EDIT. Stop. The hate. The prejudice. The violence. EDIT. Words. Thoughts. Actions. EDIT. Practice. Kindness. Love. Peace. Forever. EDIT. Together we can make a difference. EDIT. If we do these things now, the only memories left will be the good ones. The best ones. EDIT. #TheChainofGoodness #HonorGregger.

I will keep digging in that memory bank. Searching for treasures of yesteryear. The fairytale. Where this princess found her prince. And with perfect editing, the demons disappear. Adversities evaporate. And the happily ever after just ended a little too soon. EDIT.