life – Page 3 – A True Love Fairytale

Once Upon A Time…It Really Was True

January 3, 2016January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

So it’s funny how life has a way of coming full circle. I was up to my eyeballs in packing crap! Boxes stacked sky-high. Body bruised and battered. Would this never end? And then, amidst the chaos, another Gregger miracle appeared.

A box stuffed with letters from our dating days. Handwritten. Stacked and bound with an old, worn rubber band. Ready to snap. Where to begin? A letter from December 17th, 1974. 23 days before he proposed to me. So telling. And so much a part of this “fairytale.” It was winter break at ASU. I was flying home to St. Louis. With nothing but a “vomit bag” to write on, my love message was truly something to cherish. Who would save such a thing but my Gregger? The words were a simple reminder of how blessed we were to have 40 years together. The ups, downs, highs, lows, and in-betweens. None of that mattered. It was life. And it made it all worthwhile. It made me a better person. It made us a better couple. But this letter. WOW!

Dear Greg,

I know this isn’t the most desirable stationary you’ve ever seen (the vomit bag!), but right now it is the only thing that is available. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I stepped out the door, and I know it isn’t going to get any easier. I just never believed this day would actually come (leaving each other), but I guess I can say the same about December 31st (I was going to Council Bluffs to visit and meet his family). We only have better times to look forward to now because the hardest part is practically over (separating). I never believed I could actually feel this way about anyone, but the past years of waiting have all proved to be well worthwhile. As I have said so many times before, you’ve given me everything that any person could ever want from life. As far as I’m concerned I am the luckiest person alive! Sitting here thinking about the past THREE MONTHS (Yes! That is all we’d been together!) it just seems as though everything is too good to be true. I feel like we’re characters from a FAIRYTALE and I hope our “ENDING” will be “HAPPILY EVER AFTER.” That’s the only ending I ever want to see because I’m just not all there without you. Sweetheart, for the first time in my life I have found out what it really means to share your life with someone else and to develop mutual feelings of love and trust. Love is a two-way street, a mutual give-and-take relationship, and I think we’ve found the right direction down the road. Sure, we’ve had our fights, big and small, but that’s all part of love and life. As long as we remember that those fights are only because we love and care, then we can never really be hurt by it. Many of our arguments have even brought us closer together because we are able to talk our differences over. I am glad to be going home for only one reason. I can’t wait for my parents to see how happy I really am because they haven’t seen me this way for so long. Greg, although I’ve said it a million times before, I owe all that happiness to you. I just hope I have made you as happy and given you as much love and understanding as you have given me. I honestly feel that we have grown together. We met as two separate individuals with our own thoughts and feelings and have united together as one. My hopes and dreams are no longer for my personal benefit, but for you and your happiness, and, even more, for “us.” It’s funny that even though we are so far apart, I still feel you are with me and that we’re as close as ever before. I miss you already. I love you.

20 years old. 3 months together. I knew. And I never stopped knowing. It was a fairytale. We had the happily ever after. We just didn’t have the perfect ending. But I’m not sure anyone ever does. Gregger, you are with me every day. You always will be. You are my heart. You are my soul. You are my forever. I love you.

Happy New Year 2016

January 1, 2016January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Time to Be Better, Do Better

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

A new year. New beginnings. Think about the past. Move into the future. Look forward. Look back. Time for change. Time for reflection. 2015? A blur. The year of “me.” A time to learn. A time to grow. 2016? An empty page. And mine to write.

So different now. But different can be good. Right? New Year’s. I’d rather look back. Happy times. Look forward? Empty. Lonely. For now. Backwards. Full of memories. Happy times. And lots of love. So for now, I turn that way. Maybe not my best decision. But, for now, I do. 2016. Maybe that will change.

Gregger and I were never big New Year’s Ever’s. We didn’t go for big nights on the town. We loved quiet dinners. Stay home. Glass of wine. Jameson’s on the rocks. Cheers to a good year behind. A better year ahead. Kisses. Lots and lots of kisses. We’d make it ’til the ball dropped. “Somewhere.” Never in our hometown. Never “our” midnight. We conked out. But we made our own fun. And we were happy. It was good enough for us. It was enough. Love. Being together. Sharing. Talking. And reminiscing. Good times. The BEST times.

Funniest New Year’s? 2000. The millennium. The world was supposed to come to an end. Well, mine almost did! Invited to a grand soiree, we decided to go big or go home. So we went big! Dressed to the nines. Ready to party ’til dawn. It was THE PARTY. Full of fun, feast and flair. Only some of the feast did not agree with me. And before midnight hit, I was buried headfirst in the toilet. Violently ill. Not drunk. Food poisoning. UGH! I don’t even remember January 1st, 2000. A foggy dream. I do remember waking on the 2nd to discover a new washer and dryer. Ashley and Gregger had decided that’s what they would do while I was buried under the covers. Why not? When all else fails? Go buy a new washer and dryer.

Other New Year’s. Simple. Family times. Tennis tournaments. Travel. Football. And quiet moments. Or a little crazy. Whatever they were, we were together. That’s all that mattered. And now? I don’t know. I need to figure it out. Where do I want to go? What do I want my life to look like? What do I want to be doing? I’m trying to get there, but some days I feel stuck.

I think about changes. Changes I need to make. Changes I want to make. Resolutions. We all make them. We hear the same old, same old. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Drink less. Spend less. Save more. Wishing and wanting. Ways to improve. To be better, do better. The problem is stick-to-itness. We start. We commit. And then life gets in the way.

Resolutions I’ll never make:

Give up Starbucks or Peets. Addicted!
Stop shopping! Never!
Eat out ALONE. Never! UGH! Can’t do it!

So 2016. Show me the way. Resolutions. Simple. The ones that will make me BE BETTER, DO BETTER every day.

Be patient. With myself. My kids. Others.
Be understanding. With myself. My kids. Others.
Be compassionate. With myself. My kids. Others.
Be grateful. Life is full of blessings. I just have to take time every day to see them.
Be 1% better every day. (Thank you Ryan for this great reminder.)
Smile more.
Step out of my shell. My box. My comfort zone. (This is the hardest for me.) We’ll check back in 2017.
Help others. In whatever ways possible. Give a little more. Do a little more.
Be better. Do better. Push harder. There’s always a better version of me somewhere.
Find happiness. A new kind. But some kind.
Reach out and touch. Support. My kids. A friend. My mom. My dad. My siblings. Don’t wait for tomorrow.
Get a me-makeover. Change is good, right?
Be present. As much as possible. It’s the road to happiness. The path to peace.

Whatever your plan. Whatever your resolutions. Always do more of what makes YOU happy! Laugh, love and find peace. Be better, do better. Happy New Year 2016!

Merry Christmas Gregger!

December 25, 2015January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Merry Christmas Gregger…

I know it’s technically not “our” holiday, but being in retail, we waited for this day all year long. The END of the holiday season. A day off. A family day. A day of togetherness. Happy times. Laughter. And love. So much love. So we celebrated. The joy. The blessings. And us. We loved playing Santa’s elves from the beginning. Do you remember our first Xmas? I have visions of those presents piled around that hideous plaid couch dancing in my head. We were like two little kids. We woke up early in the morning. We couldn’t wait to tear those packages apart. And my dream gift that year? A pair of Frye boots! Light tan with the buckle on the side. I was cooler than cool thanks to you. You always were the best Santa!

I miss everything about those days. The simplicity. The dreams. And knowing that we had a lifetime to be together. Or so we thought. This has been a rough holiday season. Tougher than last year. Last year I was pretending. I was muddling through. This year is all too real. I’m reminded over and over that you’re not coming back. Christmas music brings me to tears. But I keep listening. I want to feel the joy. The spirit. I sing along. And the tears escape. It hurts. You aren’t here. And I want you to be. I miss you. Holiday cards? Families. Like we used to be. Everything has become a “used to be.” No longer what is. I loved our holiday cards. One of my favorite parts of the season. A time to share our beautiful family. But now I just open the mailbox to receive cards from others. It makes me sad. Facebook? I should cut myself off. Holiday parties. Festivities. Joyous occasions. Sure, I’d be fighting you to stay home, but one party with you? If only. Couples shopping. Holding hands. Our time. Choosing the perfect gifts. Schlepping from store to store. Filling the trunk. But oh what a wonderful night! And with your schedule, it was usually just one. The spirit of our season. Each year it was the same old, same old. “Smaller holiday.” And BIGGER and BETTER it would be! Today? All I want for Christmas? The only thing I cannot have.

People ask, “Are you ready for the holiday?” I give the perfunctory, “Oh yes.” Or (with a tilt of the head and a quieted tone), “How are you doing?” And I simply say, “I’m fine.” I appreciate the gestures. The wishes. People don’t know what to say. They are just being nice. And I am grateful for that. So, “I’m fine.” But I’m not. I’m not ready. Not ready to wake up alone. Not ready for you not to be here to celebrate with us. Again. And, no, I’m not fine. I’m an emotional mess. Inside. But I smile. And get on with it. Because it’s better that way. I fall apart in my car. In the middle of a workout. My kitchen. My bed. But outside? I’m fine. Really? I just miss you. I wish you were here. And I hate the fact that you aren’t. But even worse, the fact that you never will be again.

So now that I’ve been a total Scrooge, it’s time to turn that around. I know I’ve lost the BEST part of me. The BEST part of my life. BUT! And that’s a BIG BUT! That’s truly the BEST PART! I was lucky enough to have the BEST for almost 40 years! I was blessed with you as my gift.

I learned to love myself. If I couldn’t love me, how could I be true to others?
I learned to be strong in the toughest of times. (Well, all but a few!)
I learned to appreciate moments. To appreciate life. And to recognize my blessings.
I learned that being a part of “two” takes love, commitment, compassion, understanding, patience, and communication.
I learned to stop. Be silent. Be okay with me.
I learned that gratitude is the greatest gift. It gives back tenfold.
I learned that love so grand, so great, and so full NEVER goes away. You may be gone, but our love will be here forever. I see it. Feel it. And hear it. I know you are here.

So today I am grateful. For our family. Our life. But most of all for you. I hope you are celebrating with all of your family. Cheers! Happy Holiday! I Love You!

Merry Christmas to all!

Wishing everyone happiness, peace, and a day filled with love…

Hidden Treasures

December 22, 2015January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

”No matter where you are on your journey, that’s exactly where you need to be. The next road is always ahead.”

So for four weeks I needed to just be. I needed to feel. To laugh. To cry. To sit in the silence. I was surrounded by memories. Overwhelmed. Gregger was everywhere. A million reminders of our life together. I sorted through the “stuff.” What to save. What to toss. Everything was symbolic. Significant. Meaningful. But it was time to purge. I just wasn’t ready to let go. To some they were “things.” To me, a lifetime. Cards. Letters. Notes. His handwritten words. It was all I had left. I read them over and over. The message was the same. He wanted more time. With me. The kids. Tackling the daunting task of facing Gregger’s drawers, I was overwhelmed by the treasures buried beneath his underwear, socks, sweaters, and magnificent silk pocket squares. Tattered cards. Yellowed, faded envelopes. Hand-scrawled letters dating back 41 years! Airmail postage still intact. Folded notes. From me. The kids. Every last one. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Father’s Day. Just Because I Love You. Really? I knew I was sentimental. I saved them all. But I had no idea! Guys just don’t save those things. They read and toss. Right? Not Gregger. And this was my gift. A reminder of our life. Our love. Something for me to hold on to, just when I needed it most. Just when I was falling apart and needed to hear his voice. It came to me.

Amongst the piles of cards and letters, one stood out. “I don’t need a special holiday to tell you how much I love you.” And the words inside brought me to tears. It was always the same. He was a giver. A doer. But, in the end, what he really wanted was more time.

Dear Mikki,

I found this card and I could not pass it up. You have put up with me through another retail holiday season. I know it has not been easy, but overall (not sure what that meant!) you have been terrific! You certainly have learned not only to cope with it, but have learned how to handle me. This has been a very stressful time for me. Not only have I not been able to spend time with the person I care about most, but I could not find that special gift that YOU deserve. You know it means very much to me to enjoy this day with you and the kids. You told me once that buying a present was supposed to be fun, so my present is to spend a WHOLE day with YOU. To me that would be the MOST FUN! I love you very much!

We got that day. And more along the way. But if I’d only known. I would have cherished every moment so much more. I would have held on tighter. Let things go. And just been the two of us. Every. Single. Time. I can’t go back. But I can hold onto those memories. Remember his words. His smile. And his huge heart.

To be continued…

Back to “Paper”

December 20, 2015January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

It’s been a long time. I’ve been busy. I’ve been avoiding. I’ve been hiding. Running. Searching. Running. If I stop, I have to feel. If I feel, I’ll be sad. If I keep going, I don’t think. If I don’t think, I can pretend. If I pretend, I can be happy. It’s a game. And if I make the rules, I can usually win. Until now. It’s time to face the music. I’ve run away long enough. So here I am. Back to paper. Virtual paper. But writing. So where have I been? Ending one life. Beginning a new. As Julie Andrews said, “Let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.”

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” As did mine. I headed “home.” The “old” life. The memories. My past. My life. I wasn’t ready, but it was time. And in a moment everything changed. The house sold. Okay. This was what I wanted. Right? Yes. No. Maybe. Yes. I had to pack and leave it all behind in a short four weeks. Panic! How on earth could I do it all? 22 years in a home filled with laughter, love, tears, and so much more. And almost forty years of sentiments, nostalgia, and JUNK! I walked from room to room. I wandered. I was lost. Where to begin? How to begin? I couldn’t. I was stuck. There was no way I could do it. If I started, it meant the end of something I wasn’t ready to lose.

Sister, mom and dad to the rescue! Thank God for family! They came flying in and truly saved my butt! Took the reigns by the horn. Boxes, bubble wrap, packing paper galore. They sailed from room to room packing and taping, marking and making piles, until my house was one giant cardboard mass. Working ten to twelve hours a day, my dad made sure we knew when cocktail hour hit at 5:00! Time to break and cheer to another successful day of packing, padding, and piling.

But it was tough. The things I found. Heart stopping memories that thrilled me and threw me. From smiles to tears. From heartwarming to heartache. Life revisited. If only…

To be continued…

Home…Cleaning Up!

October 27, 2015January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

The last few days have been a whirlwind. So much to do, yet I feel so little is getting done. I walk from room to room. I stare in closets. I peek in drawers. I open. Close. Walk away. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know where to start. 22 years. Life. Love. And memories. Stuffed away in spaces. What do I keep? What do I toss? What do I pack away? I don’t know. It seems that everything has a purpose. Everything has meaning. Even the dead plant on the shelf. Poor thing. Lost to my “brown thumb.” Gregger would be so sad. He loved his plants. And was super proud of his “green thumb.” Me too.

I worked my way into our closet. I figured it was a smart place to start. Not sure why. But I did. Boxes. And boxes. And boxes. All empty. Gregger loved to save. Hated throwing away. There are three reasons to save things: you may need it later; have a sentimental attachment; or don’t want to waste anything. But boxes? He always thought we might have to return something. Half the boxes went to items that were obsolete! Old Iphones. Cameras. Computers. Mophie cases. It was good for a laugh. And boy did I need a laugh. Thanks Gregger!

Tucked in a corner, high on the shelf hid a pile of dust. Much to my surprise, under all that dust, hid a pair of alligator cowboy boots. I tried to conjure up a memory, but it wouldn’t budge. I had flashes of him. Jeans, cowboy boots, a plaid shirt, but it could have been a dream. I just don’t remember. Sad. The boots. Butter soft leather and alligator with steel toe tips. They rocked! But on the Gregger? Not so sure! He wasn’t the cowboy type. Sharp. Dapper. Suave. But cowboy? Western? I beg to differ.

I moved onto the filing cabinet. I knew this was going to be one big headache. I persuaded my brother to help me with this arduous task. Gregger not only loved boxes. He loved papers. He thought you might need something someday. So SAVE IT! OMG! In a nutshell, we condensed two filing cabinets into ONE DRAWER! Gregger must have been watching me, wringing his hands, pulling his (nonexistent) hair, and biting his nails. But Gregger – it was time! We don’t own the TV from 1994! No need to keep the warranty from Best Buy! We no longer have the computer from 2000! Obsolete! Papers, papers, and more papers! It’s 2015 and it’s all in the CLOUD! Or somewhere like that. So we made a dent. A start. Tomorrow is another day.

I am stressed. Overwhelmed. Overloaded. But I am doing the best I can. Six years ago I wrote on my FB wall: “Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.” So I will keep smiling. Keep sharing. Keep giving. Positive thoughts. Live. Love. Learn. And always be grateful. Blessings.

To be continued….

Home…The First Few Days

October 25, 2015January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

“Home.” In the house. Things to do. First things first. Unpack. Enter the closet. UGH! Our closet. A place we shared. Our things. Together. Neatly hung. Methodically placed. Color coordinated. Shoes boxed. Belts hung. Orderly. Just like Gregger. His side. My side. Only now it was all mine. A few stray shirts hung in a corner, along with a sparse mixture of belts and ties. I wanted it the old way. Elegant suits matched with sophisticated shirts, ties, and pocket squares. Just like Gregger. But now my clothes filled the space reminding me again of his absence.

I peeked into his dresser. Everything neatly folded. Piles. Color coded. Socks. Underwear. T-shirts. I didn’t dare get too close. It might smell like him. I wasn’t ready. The bottom drawer. A few stray shirts. And buried beneath, cards, letters, and more cards. All from me. I had no idea. I covered them. It wasn’t time. Not yet. I will read them. And remember. But not now. Too much to do. Too many emotions.

I ran into Starbucks to caffeinate. Our Starbucks. I thought I was over that “hump,” but it came rushing back in a flood of memories. Sitting outside. Chatting about nothing. Our Sunday-Funday. I missed it. I missed him.

Driving downtown yesterday I found myself driving directly toward the Suns arena. Without even realizing it, my eyes welled up. The tears trickled down my cheeks as I remembered. So many games. Date nights. And, of course, the memorial. His last “hoorah.”

So being here is tough. He’s everywhere. Not that I don’t want to see him. I love seeing him. But it will take some getting used to all over again. It’s okay. I’m okay. I just have to take it one day at a time. Live. Learn. Love. And always be grateful. Blessings.

To be continued…

Welcome “Home”

October 23, 2015January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

So after a long, but incredibly enjoyable road trip with my “bestie,” we made it back to Arizona. I had butterflies, tummy-turning moments cruising down the 101. Driving in bumper-to-bumper, nail-biting traffic didn’t help. But there were “welcome home signs.” Signs that kept reminding me that everything would be okay. It was incredible. Sometimes I think I’m nuts. Or if I talk about it, others will think I’m nuts. At this point, I don’t care. I’m nuts either way. But these signs. OMG! I know they were there for me. And I know I was meant to be aware. Open.

Rainbow. First it was faint. In the distance. Marcia spotted it. I squinted. Let it be there. PLEASE. A rainbow. I wanted it so badly. It was Gregger’s gateway. His way of welcoming me back. I just knew it. So I kept squinting. The colors became deeper. A little broader. A little longer. And then we spotted a second one. Faint in the distance, but there. Was this for real? I was like a kid in a candy store. Snapping pictures. Sending them to my kids. He’s here! He’s here! Suddenly the skies opened and the rainbow appeared from one end to the next. Full on. Every color. Full arch to the pot of gold. It was nature’s miracle awakening in front of me. And I was the glorious witness. My spirits lifted. And I knew from that moment on, everything would be okay.

Traffic was gridlocked. We crawled at a snail’s pace. Anxiety building. The music was nearly muted. But I heard it. The sign. Again. Gregger’s “Happy” song. “Because I’m happy clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth!” OH YEAH! Gregger dancing me home! Keeping my spirits up. He knew how to get me. And he did. We were rocking. Singing. Being silly. But, in that moment, nothing else mattered. He was bringing me back and I’d be okay.

We finally made it home. Well, we made it to the house. I wasn’t sure it was “home” anymore. Four walls, lots of memories, but missing a big piece inside. Weird. Big. Empty. Silent. And dark. Very, very dark. I entered. One foot at a time. I had four extra arms to guide me. To hold me. To cheer me on. And I will forever be grateful for their support. In the blink of an eye we were exploring, sharing, moving. From room to room. Picture to picture. Memory to memory. Maybe not the same home it was before. But the love was there. Happiness. Peace. It will always hold a huge piece of my heart.

Today was a step. Tomorrow will be something new. I’ve got a long road ahead. But I’ll take this new chapter one day at a time. Just like the others. And I’ll get through this too. Live. Learn. Love. And always be grateful. Blessings.

To be continued…

All Good Things Must Come To An End

October 20, 2015January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

I am sad. I am leaving San Diego tomorrow. The place I’ve called home for the past 5 1 /2 months. It was meant to be a vacay. 2 months. Get away. Recoup. I fell in love. The place. The people. The life. I am hoping my departure is short term. But for now I don’t know. Life is funny. It throws you curve balls. You swerve so you don’t get hit. Or you catch them. Some fall. Land in the right places. Some go foul. Some go out. You just never know. I was trying to avoid this “ball.” I did not want to go back to Arizona. Not without knowing I was coming back here. I wanted everything tidy. Tied up with a pretty bow. But life doesn’t work that way. And then you have to figure it out. And face the “stuff” you try to avoid. So here I go. First I have to say “goodbye.” As Gregger used to say, “Say ‘so long. Until we meet again.’” That’s better. Not final. He was right. So until next time. I will miss…

My OTF family. The people who welcome me every day with smiles, warm greetings. They have no idea how it warms my heart. Days I’m feeling down. Alone. I walk in and I feel at home. So, thank you.
The wonderful people who I can now call my “friends.” In a short time, we connected. Bonded. As if friends forever. Marcia, Geoff, Hudson, and Harper, I would not be here most days without you. You have been my lifeline. To the others who have touched my life, I hope you know who you are. I love you. I will miss you. But the connection will never be broken. You have given me strength when I felt weak. You have given me love when I felt lost. You are not only friends but family. So, thank you.
Walking into Starbucks or Peets and having them fill my order without saying a word. Knowing my name. As silly as it sounds, it made me feel at home. Welcomed. Remembered. Just someone. They never realized the number of times that small gesture made my day. I smiled. I thanked them. But I wish they knew. Really knew. So, thank you.
Walking. The beach. The lagoon. The hills. With Lucy. Lifting my spirits. Miles and miles. Just the two of us. Lost in thought. Talking to Gregger. Letting things go. Crying it out. Finding peace.
Manis-pedis with my girl. My baby. (And when we were lucky, her hubby too.) Just time to talk. About everything. Or nothing. Whatever time we had, it was always special. I will miss this most. I will miss them. My kids.

I am afraid. Afraid to walk into that big, old house. Afraid to see memories hanging on the walls. Afraid to feel the life I miss so much. So I will step cautiously. Slowly. I will feel the love. I will remember the good times. And I will cherish the life we had together. Strength. There is no other choice. Until next time San Diego…I will miss you. Thanks for the memories.

On Being Strong…Speaking The Truth

October 18, 2015January 30, 2016 Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

So I was learning to live alone. Wake up in an empty house. Quiet. Nobody sitting at the bar reading the newspaper. No coffee brewing. No coffee cup waiting for me. I had to do it alone. Mornings were tough. It was one of our “moments.” I’d make his ritual breakfast. OJ with water. Never full strength. Oatmeal. Or Bagel. Half butter. Half peanut butter. He was a ritual guy. If I switched things up, it had to be sneaky. Or slow. And then he’d go back to the same old, same old. I understood. I’m worse. We’d chat. Sometimes he’d rattle off a to-do list. I’d get frustrated. Wait. All of this? Today? He’d say, “Fine. I’ll do it myself.” I’d banter back, “No, it’s fine.” And back and forth we’d go. Why didn’t I just make it easy for him? He had so much on his plate as it was. What was I thinking? Selfish. Ugh. Can’t go back. Wish I could. So those are the things I missed. I thought about them every morning. In the silence. But I was learning. It was a day by day thing.

Family and friends were coming in town. The memorial. It was time. Three nights of visitors. At my home. Coming to see us. Talk. Again. “What happened? Are you okay? How are you doing? You are so strong.” I understood. People didn’t know what to say. So that’s what they said. I will know better. When the time comes. For someone. “How are doing?” I wanted to scream, “How do you think I’m doing? I suck! I just lost my best friend. My soul mate. The love of my life. Honestly, I have never been worse.” But, I didn’t. Instead, I remotely responded. “I’m fine. Okay. Some days better than others. Holding up.” I smiled. Kept talking. Told the story. Talked about Gregger. Even tried to laugh a little. No tears. Held them back. Best I could. When everyone left, I cried.

Strength test number “who knows at this point?” The memorial. Writing my speech. Preparing for hundreds of people to arrive. Standing in front of thousands to present the biggest speech of my life. The one that mattered most. People asked,”How could you?” I did not have a choice. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t. I had to honor Gregger. I had to be strong enough. Put EVERYTHING aside for him. I wanted to share with family, friends and colleagues the BEST of what Gregger left to this world. I could not let him down. I could not let myself down. One final moment to glorify his being. To make sense of his time on earth. And his being taken away. There was no choice. I knew it was in my heart. My soul. My spirit. I could do this. So I did.

I remember standing at the podium. My voice shaking. My hands shaking. My heart pounding. But my feet were planted solidly on the ground. This was it. I looked into the immense crowd at US Airways Arena. I saw no one. I saw everyone. And then I spoke. I wanted to speak forever. I did not want the moment to end. Because this would be final. This would close the chapter. And I did not want it to be over. I wanted Gregger to stay with us. If we kept talking, showing videos, reminiscing, he would still be here. But we had to stop. I saw his picture beaming from the monitor high above the crowd. Eyes twinkling. Smile sparkling. Well, that smile. There will never be another. And I knew right then that he was looking down on us. I knew we would all be okay.

I ride the waves. They come. They go. I’m up. I’m down. But I’m moving. Strength. Courage. Positivity. My guiding lights to a new life.

To be continued…

Tag: life

Once Upon A Time…It Really Was True

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