grief journey

The Grief Journey

So it’s coming to me in tiny pieces. This grief journey. It’s confusing as hell. One minute I think I’ve got it. And suddenly. It’s gone. Starting over. Stuck. The beginning was easy. I knew what I had to do. Be strong. Act strong. Good choice. If I act it, I’ll be it. And it worked. Got me through the worst of days. I did believe. I still do. But it’s changed. My thoughts are spot on. I say the “right” things. But my head and heart just aren’t in synch. “Everything happens for a reason.” “I was blessed to have almost 40 beautiful years.” “We were blessed to all be together.” “Gregger would have wanted it this way.” Yada, yada, yada. But you say those words over Read more [...]
not just single, a widow

Not Just Single, A Widow

Sometimes I want to rewrite my story. Or maybe just make one up. For the times I meet new people. Or strangers. I think about this a lot. Especially lately. So much loss. So much sadness. Do people really care? But my story defines me. It’s who I am. I don’t want pity. Hugs are nice. But I feel funny. Especially when strangers feel they need to give one. Did I say something to make someone feel sorry for me? I don’t mean to. Ugh! It’s just my story. It's sad. But the truth.  And this truth sucks. Loss. Sadness. Loss. Again. First Gregger. Love of my life. Then Lucy. My savior. Sweetness. So what’s my choice? Lie? Don't say anything? I fight to hold the words in. Sometimes I do. But Read more [...]

H(old) O(nto) P(ositive) E(xpectations)

“Where there’s hope, there’s life. It fills us with fresh courage and makes us strong again.” This week has been a test of wills. Strength. Physical. Mental. Emotional. I’ve been through it all. Some I’ve “won.” Some I’ve simply given into. Broken down. But, most of the time, “where there's a will, I’ve found a way.” In a week of physical challenges, I pushed myself to the max. Surpassed my goals. I believed my physical struggle paralleled Lucy’s pain. Her suffering. If she could battle on, so could I. I maxed out my times on the treadmill. I held a plank for 11 minutes and 50 seconds, all the while praying for Lucy’s recovery. Trembling, aching, I willed myself on. Read more [...]

Love the Questions, Live the Questions

A friend of mine posted this quote on her Facebook wall the other day. "Love the questions. Don't search for the answers. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." It seemed so fitting. I’ve been struggling with the questions. The lessons? What am I supposed to learn? Lucy’s senseless attack. Her suffering. My pain. I struggled with this when Gregger died. I’m still questioning. I search. For answers. But nothing comes to me. Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong? It’s certainly not Lucy. She’s a helpless soul. Innocent. Of any wrongdoing. Unconditional love. I don’t want Read more [...]

Pennies from Heaven for Lucy

To know her is to love her. But even those who don’t, love her too. Everyone loves Lucy. It’s hard not to. Precious face. Big brown eyes. Melt your heart. Little ears. Perk at the sound of her name. Peppy. Loving. Loyal. A big dog in a little dog’s body. This beloved pup is fighting with all of her might. And it’s breaking my heart. She’s battling the demons. But I’ve got to get her to fight harder. Get her to eat. I packed her favorites today. Little containers of chicken. Scrambled eggs. Cooked baby carrots. She turned her head. Looked at me with sad eyes. As if to say,”No mama. Not today.” I held the food in my hand. Under her nose. Just try a little. A taste. A smidgeon. Nothing. Read more [...]

So Long Scottsdale, Hello San Diego

So back to the big move. This major change in my life. Humongous! We said we’d never leave Arizona. Home. And here I was driving off. Not sunset. But sunrise. Dawn. New day. Bright. Sunny. Full of promise. Beginning. Here we go. Five hours of sleep. Marriott’s shortest stay. But it was time to hit the road. “Mini angels” were raring to go. Really? Minimal sleep. Up at the crack of dawn. No caffeine. And powered with energy. Give me what they’ve got! We loaded up. Pit stop for gas. Caffeine. Little breakfast. And then it was “Farewell Phoenix.” Hasta la vista baby. As Gregger would say, “So long. Until we meet again.” Never, “goodbye.” Too final. But this was. And as we drove, Read more [...]

40th Celebration…And It Truly Was!

So Anniversary #40. I had looked forward to this day for so many years. And then I dreaded it. But, thanks to the love and support of incredible family and friends it was one of the most beautiful days of my life. I was overwhelmed. Blessed. Grateful. Overjoyed. I know Gregger was with me. All the way. I didn’t want to open my eyes in the morning. I didn’t want to look at the empty pillow next to mine. It shouldn’t be that way. I should be annoyed by the rumbling snores. The deep breathing. Whistling. But there was silence. Was I angry? Kind of. He should have been here. Sad? Most definitely. Disappointed. More than ever. This was OUR day. The day he set aside for the two of us EVERY Read more [...]

Happy 40th Anniversary Gregger!

Dear Gregger, Happy 40th! Our Anniversary! This should be the easiest love letter I’ve ever written you. But it’s not. It’s the hardest. It should be a “happy” 40th. But I’m here and you’re “there.” We should be spending the day together. Reminiscing. Celebrating. Patting each other on the back and saying, “Hey, good job! We did it!” But we’re not. We talked about this day for so long. The milestones we marked. Our wedding day. Mere babes. Snowflakes drifting. A white blanket of wonderland. Good luck. I believe it was. Honeymoon. Hawaii. All those islands. But Maui. Our favorite. Who would have guessed our fairytale would “end” there? But the times between. We had Read more [...]

The Final Chapter

Sitting in the empty shell of my house, immersed in the echo of memories, I waited for my San Diego “angels” to arrive. I was in awe of these incredible friends who were piling their kids into the car (on a moment’s notice!), driving six straight hours and graciously giving me their time, friendship and support. When I heard the truck at 11:30 pm, my body melted. Hugs, embraces, and smiling faces assured me that everything would be okay. Mini angels thought free play at midnight was the ultimate dream. They raced from room to room. Bouncing off walls, chasing Lucy, and playing as though the sun were shining brightly at dawn, they were overjoyed. In the meantime, the “elders” scanned Read more [...]

Packing Up

So the house was packed and ready to go. I wasn’t. Or maybe I was. Either way I had to live with it for more than a week. Empty walls. Bare countertops. A cold, emotionless shell. This was no longer our home. It was simply a house. A place for people to rest their heads at night. Eat. But the warmth, laughter and love was packed away. In boxes. Ready to be moved elsewhere. It would all come with me. For now, I just had to sit in the cold. It wasn’t easy. I remembered the parties. Ryan’s 18th. Ashley’s 18th. Graduation. Adam and Katrina’s engagement. Ashley and Tyler’s engagement. So many celebrations. So many happy moments. The house filled with family, friends, and fun. So much fun. Read more [...]