Tag: fairytale

balls in the air

“Balls” in the Air

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
This baby thing is so tough. And I'm not even the one who's pregnant! I'm just the grandma-to-be. Oh Lord! I wrote this in September on a return flight from St. Louis. We are only 18+ weeks in and I am driving myself crazy. Right now I'm sitting on a plane with my stomach literally ready to "toss it's cookies." And there's nothing inside. My nerves are shattered. Ashley has a doctor's appointment and I won't know anything until I land. So I sit here praying. Praying. Praying. Everything will be okay. Good. Great. People tell me I carry too much of the load when it comes to my kids. I probably do. I don't know how not to. I remember when they were little. When they hurt, I hurt. When they were Read more [...]
its a boy

It’s a…?????

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
Back in the “old days,” few of us knew what we were “having.” Amnios were for the older pregnant moms. And ultrasounds? Primitive. They’d be considered archaic today. We were lucky to make out a few features. I know. I’m aging myself. I didn’t want to know what I was having. Wanted it to be a surprise. Wanted to wait until that baby was “pulled” out of me and I heard the doctor say, “It’s a ____!” First time I was knocked out cold. So I didn’t even know what I had until I woke up. Surprise! It’s a boy! Second time. I swore the whole time it was a girl. Heartbeat higher. Carrying pretty much the same. Gained less weight. Just thought it was a girl. Surprise again! It’s Read more [...]
letters of hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
So after all the weeks of waiting, praying, waiting, praying. Tears. Stress. And more tears. The wait was over. I didn’t sleep the night before. Weird dreams. But I remember being at a shower. Ashley was pregnant. Ready to pop. And then I woke up. And realized what day it was. The nerves set in. Stomach rolling. Hands shaking. I went to barre. Spaced out. Headed to OTF. Zoned out. At 11:40, my heart was pounding. I raced out to check my phone. And there it was. Emoticons. "Prayer hands." One after the other. From Ashley. I sent them back. There was nothing left to do. But wait. And pray. Some more. I headed home. I offered to sit with her. She wanted to be alone. Tyler was at work. But she Read more [...]
Letters-of-Hope-Continued

Letters of Hope Continued…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
In the space of waiting, I realized the emptiness of the “second year.” It became quieter. Lonlier. Sometimes I felt detached. From family. Friends. It was easier just to keep to myself. Go inside. And bury myself there. It was safe. But so empty. So I turned to Gregger. For comfort. It was just a difficult time. One I would figure out. And smile on the other side. May 31 Dear Gregger, Well today marks 21 months since you’ve been gone. It feels like forever. Feels like a lot longer than 21 months. I’ve had ups, downs, and in betweens. I think it’s going to get easier and then it gets harder than ever. This is definitely one of those times. It will never get easy. Never. It will Read more [...]
Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
Ten days of waiting and praying. Waiting and praying. There was nothing else to do. The embryos were implanted. And all we could was wait. Hope. I tried to remain calm. Not for me. But for Ashley. The baby(ies). She didn’t need my stress. She was carrying enough of her own. So I pretended. I smiled. Laughed. And loved. I gave when they wanted me to give. I held back when they needed space. But on the inside. I was struggling. Barely holding on. I wanted time to stop. For 10 days. And then I wanted the news to come. But that’s not the way it works. Life continues. So we did too. And I kept writing. To fill the space. The emptiness. May 26 Dear Gregger, Did you know you are on my mind Read more [...]
Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope Continued

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
Infertility is tough. There’s no other way to put it. It’s an emotional roller coaster that weighs heavily on the hearts of future moms and dads struggling to build a family. But when it’s your own, it’s different. It’s tough. You want to do more. And more. You want to fix it. But you can’t. So, my role? Support. Encourage. Reassure. And PRAY.  In the meantime, I turned to my Gregger. My support. I didn’t get answers. But I felt better. And better was okay. May 24 Dear Gregger, Well today was a HUGE day. Those little embryos, babies, or whatever you want to think of them were implanted in Ashley’s body today. Now we wait, pray, wait and pray that they continue to grow and Read more [...]
Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
So I’ve been looking back. Some may wonder why. Why look back on a difficult time? Why relive difficult moments? It’s part of me. Part of my life. Part of something I want to share. So others know they aren’t alone. And for those who are members of this “club,” I’m sharing the waves. The highs and lows of the second year. Reality. Feel. Fret. And sometimes fall. It’s all okay. Because at the end of the day, you will stand. On your own two feet. Stronger than you’ve ever been. So we were waiting. And praying. And I was continuing to write Gregger. The words are unedited. They were a stream of consciousness. He was my lifeline to sanity. May 22 Dear Gregger, Today is Sunday Read more [...]
Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
My stress levels were off the charts. Every day I waited for Ashley’s call. My heart racing. Pounding out of my chest. Good news? Please God. I’d sit in my car. Afraid to move. Afraid if I were driving, I’d break down. I knew the time. Knew when she'd call. So I’d sit. Wait. Think. Pray. I had my songs. My letters. They kept me sane. At least somewhat. May 20 Dear Gregger: So today had it’s ups and downs. I struggled so much today. I cried a lot. A lot! I hear songs and they remind me of you. I try to pretend like you are speaking to me. Sending me signs. Messages. There are special songs. And when I hear them, I break down. “The Prayer.” “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Read more [...]
Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
So I’ve been all over the place lately. 2 year anniversary. Butterflies. Signs. Sickness. Strength. Flashbacks. And the “news.” Ashley and Tyler. This consumed the first half of year 2. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. And I wasn’t even the one trying to get pregnant. But I was the mama. And there’s nothing worse than watching your child “hurt.” Hurt has no age limits. But this wasn’t a time for sorrow. Negativity. It was a time for strength. Courage. Confidence. And optimism. So I smiled. I laughed. I cheered. But in the silence, the tears fell. I prayed. The hardest part was being alone. Not having anyone to talk to about my feelings. Not being able to vent. It was just Read more [...]
Memories Fade and Messages Appear

Memories Fade and Messages Appear Making those Memories Clear

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment
"'When you wanted to forget everything would return in raw brutal focus. When you wanted to remember the details would slip away like a dream at dawn." I read this the other day and it struck a significant chord. Wham! Straight to my heart! Some days I struggle to bring the memories to life. I fight with my brain. Bring it in. Clearer. Clearer. I can't see it. Focus. I don't remember. Frustrating. I want it etched in my mind. Every detail. I don't want to forget. I want to see Gregger. Every part of him. His eyes. They sparkled every time he looked at me. Gleaming with a touch of emerald. His beautiful bald head. Took me ages to convince him to get rid of the fuzz. I loved his baldness. Sexy. Read more [...]