Rainy Days and Mondays

Feeling a bit melancholy on this rainy day Monday. I stare at the raindrops streaming from the skies and slip into a meditative state. My mind wanders. Memories drift in and out. I try to conjure a visible future. I’m stuck. I keep going backwards. All I can see is the past. Where I was. Where I still want to be. But I can’t go there anymore. I can visit. But I must move forward. I keep having flashes. Of Gregger. His goofy, but loving idiosyncrasies. I miss them most. But they make me smile. My sunshine on a rainy day.

• his nightly call to me on his way home from work
• his obsession with mail, getting to it ASAP when he walked in the door at night
• dropping his clothes on the floor; shirt, socks, and underwear tied in a tidy ball
• digging into chips and salsa EVERY night when he walked in the house
• freezing his Crystal Light to icy perfection
• making his special bagel with half butter, half peanut butter and jelly, perfectly spread to the edges
• ice cream before bed (for years!)
• driving back to check the garage door EVERY TIME we left the house
• watching his morning routine (recumbent bike with sports page, coffee, shower, breakfast and out the door)
• washing his shirts (Yes! I miss that) and timing them so there wasn’t a wrinkle
• his deep breathing and raucous snores
• his meticulous habit of using shoe trees to preserve the shape, prevent creases, and extend the life of his vast shoe collection
• “sleep good, sweet dreams” (to me and the kids)
• “I love you” before, after, and in between (the BEST)

Gregger: Yesterday I needed to talk to you so badly. It was just one of those days. There wasn’t anyone else in my circle who could help. I needed you. You weren’t here. I’m having to deal with so many nonsensical things. Life things. Gregger things. But I’m learning. I want to scream out. Am I doing the right thing? Is this the way you want me to do it? UGH! I don’t want these responsibilities. But they are mine now. I will take ownership. I will handle them. You tried to teach me. I didn’t listen. I picked up bits and pieces. Enough along the way. I remember. I will make you proud.

The rain falls. I think of you. The days we snuggled. The days we did nothing. That didn’t happen often enough living in Arizona. I wish you were here. Today I am stuck. Tomorrow will be a new day. This is the way it goes. In, out, over, under, up, down, sideways, and back again. Life. It goes on. I just wish it wasn’t without you. Rain. Teardrops falling. I miss you. I will look for the rainbow and know you are smiling. It’s then that I will be smiling too.