Some people collect expensive antiques or art; others collect stamps, coins, trading cards, or other miscellaneous items. I started collecting when my kids were born. I believe I was protesting my mom’s disregard for our “valuables.” She loved to clean out, get rid of the old. Her rule of thumb, “If you haven’t used it in a year, get rid of it!” Well, I hoarded quite a few collections in the growing years. The boys began with He-Man. At one time Castle Grayskull took over my family room invaded with the likes of Skeletor, Keldor, Prince Adam and their comrades. With two boys eighteen months apart, I couldn’t just buy one of everything. I had to buy in multiples. Then it was transformers, a variety of mini vehicles that “transformed” into robotic figures. The trends swooped in like a raging storm and as soon as the collection was filling itself, it was dead, kaput, washed up. So I was stockpiling a treasure trove of timeworn superheroes while the boys were moving on to bigger and better collections.
“A camera is a SAVE button for the mind’s eye.”
Gregger got into the next game. Baseball cards. Now this was something he could wrap his head around. Of course it made sense to spend $$$ on signed cards that would be invaluable some day. Boxes and boxes of cards. Individual cards. Signed cards. Unsigned cards. Some framed for posterity, others stashed in notebooks or thrown haphazardly in boxes. This progressed into balls, jerseys, and other sports memorabilia from all arenas until we were overflowing. Collections of wishes fulfilled, some for the young, some for the old. 
I was crazed with collection fever when Ashley was born. From stuffed animals to Madam Alexander dolls, Barbies, Care Bears, My Little Ponies, Ferbies (still in the box) and the ultimate Beanie Babies. If truth be told, I think the collections were more for me than Ashley! A long lost yearning. I would hunt down those Beanies like they were gold, paying top dollar for far too many. Gregger loved to raz, “You’re going to sell those to pay for her college education, right?” I don’t think they would have covered the cost of books for a semester. Now thousands of beanies are neatly packed away in bins (yes, that is multiple!), plastic bags, and other storage units waiting to be passed down to the next generation. So much for priceless collections! Collections of wishes fulfilled, some for the young, some for the old.
“Life is like pictures. You can look back on the moments. But you can never recapture them.”
So while I was busy collecting useless toys, Gregger loved collecting boxes, wires and remotes. Lots of them. The guy couldn’t throw a box away. If it came in a box, he saved it. If it came with wires or remote, he stashed it for “just in case moments.” But when technology moves on, those “things” becomes extinct. Not in our house! We have more empty boxes than junk! Boxes for computers, printers, phones, tvs and other electronics that are long gone. Half of the stores are out of business. We have wires with plugs that don’t go to ANYTHING and remotes that are ancient beyond recognition. So I gathered my courage, piled everything in a big garbage bag, said a silent prayer, and tossed it! Good riddance to good rubbish! This was one collection I could live without. Sorry Gregger!
While my collective obsessions became a little more refined over the years, my collection of MEMORIES is the one I cherish most. While I attribute my brown hair, blue eyes, and shorter than desired height to my ancestors, I believe I inherited the “picture” gene from my mother. Never heard of it? It’s the uncontrollable urge to carry a camera everywhere. It’s never missing an occasion, a moment. It’s capturing EVERYTHING on film, disc, or video. It’s having those you’re photographing give you “the finger,” turn their backs, or walk away because they are so sick of your constant snapping. But it’s a collection of LIFETIME MOMENTS, MEMORIES that can never be relived again, except through photographs. Pictures not only capture experiences, but moods. They seize a sparkling smile or sullen scowl. They are pieces of a life puzzle, jigsawed together in captured moments. Photographs are everlasting. The edges may fray, curl and yellow, but the image is embedded for memories sake. Timeless. Priceless. Memories. Etched in our hearts. Etched in our minds.
“I was looking at the photographs and I started thinking that there was a time when these weren’t memories.”
I am so grateful for the gift of the “picture gene.” Especially today, especially in these moments. Photographs and memories are my lifeline to Gregger. Without them, memories could fade. With them, memories are ALIVE, colorful and bright. A picture is worth far more than a thousand words. It’s worth everything we shared together. Magic moments captured in time. Magic moments hung on walls, pasted in books, and embedded in clouds. These are the collections I will treasure forever. Priceless.
I’ve had quite a few people ask me if I’m okay since my last few posts. Yes. Life is like that these days. Some are good. Some are better. Some I muddle through. Some just suck. I’m probably more honest than I should be. I just don’t how to be any other way. I never have. My emotions are raw. But exposed. I ride the waves. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, empty, melancholy. I have come a long way. I have a long way to go. I am strong. I will get stronger. This is all part of the process. It takes time. There is no timetable. I cannot hurry. I will ride the coaster. I will take the highs with the lows, the ups with the downs. I will experience everything and know it is okay. I am okay. So when I have a bad day, it is just that. A bad day. Or a bad moment. I appreciate all of the people who touch my life. Your touches embrace me. But do not worry. I am okay.
Everyone said, “Don’t make any major changes for a year.” I didn’t listen. I’m glad. I couldn’t be that stagnant. I couldn’t just sit. And wait. How boring. I needed to start moving. Explore. Discover. And that’s what I’ve been doing. Baby steps. They feel like giant leaps. One step forward, three steps back. Two steps forward, one step back. It’s all a process. And I’m living it. But I’m learning. And growing. And changing. It’s my only choice. I can accept the sadness, frustration, anger, emptiness, and lonely moments because I know it is bringing me to a better place. A new “better.” A place of peace, contentment.
I’d love to know what Gregger would do. How would he handle this? What if the situation were reversed? He’d bury himself in work. He’d have a place to go. Constantly surround himself with people. Maybe that’s a good thing. He wouldn’t have time to think. Be lonely. Be sad. I’m not sure. That’s my guess. I’m so different. I’m embracing the silence. The alone time. Learning about myself. Where I need to go. What I need to do. I don’t have a choice. I guess he wouldn’t either. So I’ll continue to take each day as it comes. The good, the bad, the better, the great. I’ll keep learning. Growing. I’ll be okay. But there will be sad moments. Frustrating moments. Angry moments. They will come. They will pass. And, again, I’ll be okay.
