Just One of Those Days

Dear Gregger,

Today was tough. I thought I was over the hump. I thought I had hurdled the toughest of toughs. But today got me. It wasn’t a birthday. An anniversary. Or anything special. It was just a tough day. And I’ve had some tough ones. Coming home to an empty house. The firsts. Just missing you. But today, I simply needed you. I needed you to help me fix things. I needed you to be my better half. My #1. So I could fall back as #2. I liked it better that way. I kept asking myself, “What would you do? How would you handle things when life gets a little crazy?” I was crumbling. So I walked. Looked at the clouds. Got angry. Yelled at you. Why did you have to leave me? Not fair. I needed you to help me figure it out. Sometimes I think I know the answers. And other times, UGH! It just seems to fall apart. Who do I talk to? Lucy? She looks at me with those sweet eyes. Tongue dangling from her little mouth. Innocent as her little puppy self. But she gives me nothing. My insides are brewing. I feel a burning rage of frustration. Torment. I NEED YOU HERE. You have better answers than me. I thought I could do this. Maybe I can’t. I wrote a blog today about strength. Now I feel like I’m lying. I thought I was strong. Today I feel so weak. Honestly, it just sucks.

Okay. So you’re not here. What would you do? What would you tell me to do? I think you would tell me to stick to my guns. I think you would say be tough, but be fair. Identify the source of my anger. Don’t allow it to control me. You’d say, count to 10. Take a time out. Stop talking. Walk away. Breathe. I’m listening. I’m trying. You’d ask me why I’m really angry. Am I afraid of something or someone? Maybe. Possibly a fear of failure. Fear of failing you. Not doing things the way you would do them. Or the way that would make you proud. I know that’s silly. I know most days I’m doing the best I can. But, days like today. Well, they just don’t feel good. So I guess anger is the outlet. Sorry. I wish it was something else. Yes, I’m angry at you for leaving me. For leaving us. But it’s not your fault. I’m angry at me for getting angry. I will try to do better at that. It’s just those mixed up emotions going all wacky inside.

So today was one of those days. It’s over. Gone. I saw the anger. I felt it. I raged. And now I can bid adieu. Gladly. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll greet it with a smile. A warm heart. Just the way you would. Thank you Gregger for being there. You always know how to make it right. I love you. And I wish you were here. I miss you.