It was hard enough to lose the love of my life. My soul mate. My best friend. But in the past three years, I have watched pieces of my family crumble apart. Was Gregger the glue who held us together? I’ve tried so hard to play both roles. I’ve tried to be all that he was while finding myself. Not easy. Actually nearly impossible. Sometimes I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff. One minute balanced. Safe. Sound. The next. Stumbling. Rocking. Losing my footing. At any second I’ll land flat on my face. No net beneath me. Why? Just another part of the grief journey.
Losing a loved one is devastating. No ifs, ands, buts about it. There’s no “good” way to experience death. It sucks. But losing a loved one unexpectedly/suddenly presents its own set of issues. There’s no time to say goodbye. Words left unsaid. Lives changed forever in the blink of an eye. And no turning back. And for some, the ramifications are life-changing. I’ve spent almost three years of this journey coming to peace with Gregger’s loss. It will never be okay. But I can accept it. I cannot change it. I can understand there was a reason. I will never know the reason. I no longer need to seek the reason. I can just accept there was a plan. And on that day, the plan was for him to “go.” That doesn’t mean I have to like it. I can hate it. But I can accept it. On the other hand, it doesn’t mean that everyone sees it the same way. We are on different paths. Different journeys. And sometimes that tears us apart. That’s not the way it should be. Grief should bring us together. But, ultimately, death changes everyone’s lives. Forever. And now I must accept that too. Maybe. Someday. We can come together. For Gregger. Our family. And love.
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