Happy 48th “Should Have Been” Anniversary

Dear Greg,

Today would have been our 48th anniversary, a day we always celebrated as our own. Each passing year stood as a testament, not just to our love, but to the life we created together. While I will forever remember this day with love, it has become bittersweet, overshadowed by your absence and the emptiness in my heart. For nine years, I’ve continued to commemorate these moments as if you were still here. I whisper “Happy Anniversary” as if you can hear me. I hang onto impossible dreams that you might walk into the room, that we could celebrate in the joy of each passing year together. But reality dictates otherwise. Our day arrives. There are no exchanged cards. Surprise gifts. Or toasts to the years conquered together. 

Why do I hold on so tightly? Why does this day mean so much to me? Because it was ours, a day we chose together to celebrate our love every single year. 10 years ago we vowed to be together for 75 years. We made plans. But fate took over. Fate won.Those dreams will forever remain unfulfilled. In this “would have been” moment there are countless things I wish I could say to you.

Reflecting on what could have been, it’s the small moments I miss the most. I would trade anything for the warmth of your touch, the sparkle in your eyes, and the contagious laughter that once filled our days with  both joy and tears.

Our journey began at 21, young and innocent, in love but knowing little about life and marriage. We learned and never gave up, navigating moments of pause and rediscovering our way back to the beginning. It was in this space that our love, foundation, strength, and bond grew and strengthened even more.

Together, we faced challenges – raising our family, building a business, navigating highs and lows, and dealing with loss. Through it all, we knew it was always the two of us in the end. 

Being a widow on this day is painful, yet I count my blessings for the 39 years we shared. You were my soulmate. Best friend. Partner. Our journey, imperfect but perfect for us, is forever etched in my heart. I raise a toast to our “would have been” 48th anniversary. Loving you was the best thing I ever did. I only wish our fairytale had a little more time.

As I write my 48th anniversary love letter to you, I reflect on our life. We experienced the best and the worst. I cherish both because they shaped us into the great team we were. Our struggles taught us gratitude, communication and compassion, qualities that defined our relationship. Even after 38 years together, we wanted more – more time, more love, more us. 

You will always be the best thing that ever happened in my life. Others may question that statement. Why not my children? My grandchildren? But, without you, they wouldn’t be. You will always be the best. Guiding me. Teaching me. Helping me become a better and stronger me. The void you left is indescribable, but I find strength in your lessons. I miss you beyond words, but I continue on, knowing that life is too short to merely exist. 

Cheers to 48 years of “what should have been.” I will forever celebrate the love, happiness, laughter, and tears. I was blessed to share my life with you and the beautiful family we created. I love you always.

Happy New Year 2024

As I sit here reflecting on 2023, I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of memories and emotions. 2023 was a year woven with threads of joy, sorrow, triumphs, and challenges. Reflecting on the past twelve months, I find myself pondering age-old questions: “What could I have done differently? What changes would I make? How could I have been better?” 

I don’t have clear answers. 2023 was a complex puzzle, a mix of experiences that defied simple categorization.  It was life. Unfiltered. A blend of happy moments. Losses. Success. Despair. And the vast spectrum of in-betweens. Each day brought forth something new. A formidable challenge. An unexpected obstacle. A moment of pure joy. Or a wave of stress that threatened to swallow me whole.

As I close the chapter on 2023, I seriously consider the real essence of my life – not the version I show to others, but the one I live every day. My life including the personal inner struggles I face. Over the past nine years, I’ve embraced hope, gratitude, positivity, and strength. Yet, in the silent corners and quiet moments, I wage battles against personal demons. Each passing year feels like a loss of opportunities. Life slipping away. Hope seems to drift farther, despite my efforts. I begin each new year with fresh beginnings and optimism, but, as challenges, stress, obstacles, and shattered dreams pile up, hope slips away. The year ends, and I’m left, once again, with an emptiness, eagerly awaiting the next year for a chance to start anew. 

With each passing year, the struggle intensifies. Despite projecting an image of positivity and hope, my inner self struggles with disbelief. I pray that 2024 will be THE year, where hope can find its path, and genuine happiness can once again become a reality.

As I look back on the past year, I see that each day was an opportunity. An opportunity to grow. To learn. To evolve into a better version of myself. Faced with choices, I could see challenges as obstacles or as opportunities to better myself. I chose the latter. Each obstacle became a lesson, offering resilience, patience, and the art of navigating the unpredictable roads of life. I may not always get it right, but I tried my best, and I realize that trying is the best I can consistently do. 

2023, despite the ups and downs, was a year of gratitude. I faced each day with a grateful mindset, not for the material possessions, but for the priceless people in my life – family and friends. It’s easy to overlook one another, getting caught up in our day-to-day routines.  Too often we forget to pause. We take each other for granted. We go about our daily lives. It’s in the pause that we recognize and appreciate life’s richness. I believe that’s invaluable.  

As I close the chapter on 2023, I carry with me the lessons I’ve learned, the memories I’ve made, and a renewed commitment to appreciate the blessings in my life. My goals for 2024, much like in previous years, are simple: to be better, to do better, and to live better. I aim to take time, pause, and be present.

Approaching 2024 is like opening a new book. Will it unfold into a fresh chapter, a new verse, or merely the continuation of an old story? Its pages are blank, waiting for my words. This book is called opportunity, and its first chapter is New Year’s Day. Let’s make it a good one! Here’s to 2024—a year filled with joy, laughter, love, and peace! Cheers!

Chapter 2…Happy Holidays!

I’ve been off the grid. Nothing life shattering. Just. Life. In the past, I would have stressed. I’d push myself. Write. Get it done. Post. Something. Not now. I stop. And enjoy. Don’t get me wrong. I love writing. Connecting. Sharing. But life. It’s precious. And I need to enjoy. Cherish. And live. In. The. Moment. I don’t want to look back and say, “Shoulda.” I want to look back and say, “I did.” So. I am. Busy. With family. Friends. Baby. Sweet. Precious. Moments.

I spoke of this with a friend the other day. He was kind enough to point out the “unobvious.” “You are moving on. You are okay. You don’t need “outlets.” Or venting mechanisms. You’ve figured it out. And let go. He was right. And. It felt so good. A giant leap in the world of grief.

‘Tis the season. To be merry. Bright. Happy and light. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. But. Not for all. Despite the highs, the little “lows” creep in. We fight. We push back. No matter how hard “we” try, we can’t forget. We don’t want to. We should never forget. There is a piece missing. A piece that will never be replaced. Recovered. It’s an empty space. Whether it’s a day, a month, a year, or ten, the holiday season can be tough. Bittersweet. We are inundated with songs reminding us to surround ourselves with loved ones. Buying presents reminds us of the one we won’t buy this year or ever again. But. There is hope. And a way to survive the season with smiles. Follow your heart. Your way. And make the BEST of the holiday season.

Simple suggestions for holiday survival…

Share memories, stories, prayers to honor your lost loved one. Light a candle. Donate to a favorite charity. Display a picture or ornament amid holiday decorations.

Sit back. Take a break. Don’t try to overdo. The holidays. Still there. You can recreate them to be whatever YOU choose. Whatever feels good in YOUR life. At that moment. For now. Next year may be different. But honor today.

Support is crucial. Ask. Take. Give. It’s really okay. People want to help. More than not, they just don’t know how.

Surround yourself with positivity. It’s contagious.

Stop struggling with your feelings – feel them, accept them.

Say how YOU feel. If you’re happy, shout it out. If you’re sad, share it. Don’t stuff it or “suck it up” because you’re “supposed to.” Stuffing and suppressing leads to more “sucky” feelings. We all have “something.” Sharing is caring.

Serve others with the gift of yourself. Small services can fill your heart with an abundance of joy.

Spend the holiday with family and friends. They are the greatest gift we have. We may not wrap them. Or tie them with fancy bows. But they are there. Today. Tomorrow. Forever. With love.

Stay stress-free. Focus on NOW. Today. The “stuff” will be there tomorrow. Let it go. And just enjoy.

Seek out the blessings, gratitude. They are EVERYWHERE. Sometimes hidden. But if you look. You will find them. And they may even surprise you.

Select activities that bring joy. Smiles. And happy feelings.

Skip nonsensical activities. If you don’t care. Don’t go. If you’re stomach’s churning. Don’t go. If it doesn’t feel good. Don’t do it. Pick one. Maybe two. Push. A little. Outside the box. You’ll know. Your choice. Each year. Just might be a little different. Hope.

Speak up. If you don’t want to participate. Don’t. No rules. Just. Your rules. It’s okay. Whatever YOU choose. No judgements.

Set aside time for YOU. Exercise. Eat healthy. Sleep. Take care of you. You’re the only one you’ve got!

Surprise someone. It might jolt an unexpected joy in your heart.

Steer clear of those who pressure, “bring you down,” or simply cannot accept YOU! This is no time to doubt yourself, your feelings, or your actions. Believe in you. Honor yourself.

I am grateful for all of you. For your love, support, and friendship. You have comforted me through some of my toughest days. You may not know it. Emoji hearts. Words. And smiles. They all touch my heart. They have lifted my spirits and given me strength to move forward. To keep moving. To live. A very full life. It will never be the same. Holidays will never be the same. But. I am accepting the “different.” And that’s okay too.

Wishing all of you the happiest of holidays. May this year bring joy, love, and an abundance of peace.

Chapter 2…Strike 3 and You’re Out!

The dating game. Sucks. Truly. I’m happy to say, I’m officially off the online market. Cannot take one more loser. Weirdo. Liar. Manipulator. I’d rather be alone. For the rest of my life. I decided. One more try. I had shut down. But again. I was bored. So why not? Check it out. Read the messages. They’re humorous. Entertaining. I was lured in. They were cheesy. But. Better than nothing. It was Saturday night. And there I was. Alone. On my couch. With Angel. How pathetic. One dude. Talked about feeling young. Acting young. Laughter. (I was ready. Laughter was enticing.) Surround yourself with happiness. Sounded good. On paper. Of course. Anyone can. Gave my number. Hated messaging on the site. Call me. Text me. Anything but the site. So he did. Texted first. Called soon after. Conversation. Decent. Laughter. Easy. Not bad. Lived an hour away. Not too close. Not too far. Wanted to come the next day. No time to think. So. I said okay. He set the time. Made plans. Cool. What the hell. I had nothing to lose. Right? Wrong!

Morning came. And went. No text. No call. I figured. Blow off. Again. I’m used to it. Add it to the journey. I kind of thought he’d been drinking. Couldn’t remember talking to me anyway. Oh well. And then. He called. Some story. Probably BS. But, an excuse. Running late. But, coming. Strike 1. I was over it. Wanted to chill on the couch. Empty my DVR. But that’s not how I’d ever move forward. So I picked my ass up and went. I walked into the restaurant. Searched the room. Headed straight to the bar. To the WRONG guy! Ugh! Saw him standing.  Dude: “Where were you going?” Me: “Just took my sunglasses off. Couldn’t adjust to the light.” WTF could I say? The other guy was old and ugly! Dude wasn’t bad. As far as my record had gone. But it was dark. Dressed okay. Kind of a pretty boy. Turns out he was a “pretty boy.” But that day wasn’t bad. Conversation. A bit weird. Thinking back. Really inappropriate. Especially. For a first date. But. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was trying to go with it. Dumb. Dumb. And. Dumber.

As the week went on, we talked. Texted. Not bad. Entertaining. Better than most. Kind of normal. But. Where was my perspective? Obviously. Distorted. Very. Very. Distorted. Ugh. He was coming back. The weekend. One day. Made a plan. After workout. After tanning. (As in spray? No. Bed. Ewww! Who does that anymore??) After sunning. (Really? You just tanned.) Around 12:30. I did my morning thing. Workout. Coffee. Came home. Got ready. 12:30. Came and went. Are you serious? And then came the text. “Fell asleep. Jumping in shower. On the road soon.” Well. I knew where I stood. On the priority list. Workout. Tan. Tan. Shower. Me. Two weeks in a row. Strike 2.

By the time “pretty boy” showed up, I was tired, cranky, and pissed. My head was swimming with words of advice from my more experienced sisters. He had barely stepped into my kitchen when I said, “My sister said I need your last name.” Pretty Boy: “Give her my phone number.” Me: “What’s that going to do? I asked for your last name.” Pretty Boy: “Have her call my work.” Me: “That’s not what I asked.” Dude never gave it to me. Strike 3. He should have been out. Me: Dumb. Dumber. And. Now. Dumbest!

Without the rest of the gory details, it went from bad to worse to gross and obnoxious. I. COULD. NOT. WAIT. FOR. HIM. TO. LEAVE! He got the message. Maybe. He was a nice guy. I don’t know. But. Let him be nice for some other lost soul. Not me.

But. I learned. This was another part of my journey. My dating journey. It may end here. Who knows? Or this may lead me to something greater. I’m learning what I want. What I don’t want. Online dating? Done. Long distance? No. Stop. Phonelationships. Textationships. Dating? In person. Face to face. Real dating. My rules. My way. I’ve never been stronger. And I like it that way. So. I’m back on the couch. For now. Just me and my Angel. Until next time.

 

Chapter 2…Tears, Pain, and Joy

Grief is a big bowl to hold. It takes so many formations, so many textures and colors. You never know how or when it will rear its head and take a hold of you. Sometimes you cry unfathomably, some days you feel guilty because you haven’t cried, and in other moments you are so angry or filled with anxiety you just don’t know what to do.”

I thought I had won. The battle. Beaten the waves of emotion. It’s year four. I thought I’d passed. The tests. The hard stuff. The firsts. The surprises. The “creepers.” (Those grief moments that just appear.) But suddenly, it emerged. Like a tsunami. As tiny tremors, then earthquakes rocked my world, they unraveled the grief buried deep within. Rumbles. Shakes. And then. It surged. Like a storm. Reason? Don’t know. Subconscious trigger? Maybe. But it happened. While “real” tsunamis cause absolute devastation, “emotional” ones don’t. I survived. I weathered the storm. And I’m okay. It won’t be the first. Or the last. I’m lucky. Because. I know. I will be just fine.

Another lesson. Grief. It’s part of me. My soul. It’s there. So. I’m ready. No fear. No panic. Sometimes. My heart beats a bit faster. Or. My eyes fill with tears. Or. I might just feel. Something. But. I can do it with a smile. Still be happy. I’ve learned. It never goes away. It’s part of my being. It’s not something you tuck in a back pocket. And grab when grief calls. It’s just there. And you learn to live with it.

I’ve written about grief before. About the waves. And how to ride them. But in year four it’s different. It doesn’t weigh me down. I don’t feel heavy with sadness. Sorrow. Or loss. I focus on our blessings. (I say that a lot too.) Really focus. Think back to happy times. What we had. Our life. Our love. And how truly lucky I was to have so many beautiful years. How lucky I was to even have the bad ones. (And, yes, there were bad times. I’d be lying if I said they they were all perfect.) The bad times taught us how to appreciate the good. And now they teach me even more. How to appreciate each and every moment. To appreciate and love those in my life. To hug a little harder. Love a little more. And never, ever stop believing that life is good. Because it is.

In the words of Shania Twain, “Oh, life’s about joy, life’s about pain
Life’s about, life’s about to get good.” Oh yeah. Despite the pain. Despite the tears. Life’s about to get good.

 

Chapter 2…It’s a Little Bit Country

I was never a big country western fan. But. Put my life to music. And I’m in. I’ll buy the track. The CD. Stream it. Download. Whatever. I’m a fan. The words. Resonate. Right to the beat of my heart. At the beginning of the grief journey, “you feel like you’re falling backwards. Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks. Like no one would even notice, if you left this town and never came back. You walk outside and all you see is rain. You look inside and all you feel is pain. And you can’t see it now. But down the road the sun is shining. In every cloud there’s a silver lining. Just keep holding on. And every heartache makes you stronger. But it won’t be much longer. You’ll find love, you’ll find peace. And the you you’re meant to be. I know right now that’s not the way you feel. But one day you will.” No one can tell you that. If they did, you’d look them straight in the face and either give them the “finger” or full on say, “FU!” But, with the mellifluent words of Lady Antebellum, you believe there’s light. Hope.

Then comes acceptance. Realizing this is the hand I was dealt. Accept with grace. Gratitude. Or wallow in pity. I prefer grace. And Carrie Underwood reminds me, “Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone, gone, gone. Faded into the setting sun, slipped away but I won’t cry. ‘Cause I know I’ll never be lonely. For you are the stars to me, you are the light I follow. I will see you again, this is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, ‘til I see you again. I can hear those echoes in the wind at night, calling me back in time, back to you, in a place far away where the water meets the sky. The thought of it makes me smile. You are my tomorrow. I will see you again. This is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, ‘til I see you again.” Gregger is everywhere. I see. I feel. I hear. I’m aware. I know. He’s beside me on my toughest days. He’s with me in my happiest moments. And I know. I will see him again. Hope.

And after some time. Time that seemed forever. Or a minute. Highs. Lows. Tears. A little laughter. With a pounding heart. And horrifying fear. It was time. I was “scared of love but scared of life alone. Seemed I’d been playing on the safe side. Building walls around my heart to save me. But it was time for me to let it go. I was ready to feel now. No longer was I afraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now without the fear of how it might end. I guess I’m ready to love again.” So my heart feels open. It’s beating again. But it’s not easy. Not sure if it’s me. Or them. But I’m open. And willing. Half the battle. Someday. One day. Hope.

For now, it’s me and my country music. Consoling. Comforting. And the stories of my life. The songs remind me. Of love, I’ve had. Beautiful memories. Love, I’ve lost. Much too soon. And love that’s meant to be. Someday.

I wrote my own “country song” (more like a poem) to the beat of my life. No music. Just words. Won’t make the Top 10. Won’t even make it to the country charts. But the words. Straight from my heart. And that’s as real as it gets. ❤️

 

My life its surely changing
I am hope’s white butterfly
Wings spread out wide open
Soaring through the big blue sky.
My heart had stopped its beating
And my soul was empty too
But hope it’s everlasting
As the scent of morning dew.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
I’ve made it through the worst of times
With feet still on the ground
This butterfly is soaring
Her heart and soul ‘been found.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
Tomorrow will be brighter
Live with peace and gratitude
Share the joy of every moment
It’s all ‘bout the attitude.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
Yes hope will last forever
It is locked inside my heart
By a very special angel
We will never be apart.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.

 

Chapter 2…I Got Your Game!

For a somewhat intelligent woman (or so I thought), why would I continue to subject myself to the idiocy of online dating? Boredom. Entertainment. Laughs. And, if nothing else, good writing material. Because. There are NO dates! They are contacts. Texts. Phone calls. Emojis. No meets. No dates. No happy endings. I call their MO. Games. BS. Lies. Players. Game over. Move on to your next relenting victim. Poor girl.

I have my own game. “Name the Player.” Because. At a glance, I know.

Emoji heart men: ❤️No words. Either they have nothing to say, can’t write, or are waiting for me to make the move. They’re still waiting. Lame. How do you respond to a heart emoji? Is that a conversation starter? Don’t think so.

Sympathy Guys: “I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you and your family. I hope you are ok.” Nice. Sweet. Sentimental. But. I don’t need pity. I respond with the basic, “Thank you. Much appreciated.” Conversation usually ends there. What did they want? Rescue me? Tears or soulful exposure? Nope. Not going to happen.

Non-conversationalists: “Hello. How are you?” At this given moment? Overall? What the hell does that mean? I’m fine. Great. Sick. Bored. Happy. Overwhelmed. Elated. Pick one. All of the above. Whatever suits you. Sometimes they respond. Often not. Ever. Again. What are they looking for? How else do you respond to “Hello. How are you?” Dumb. Moving on. 

Emoji Smiley guys: ? Cool. Does that mean you’re happy? Or is it supposed to make me deliriously happy? Not sure. And how does one respond to an emoji? As far as I’m concerned, the best response is ? back. So, most conversations end there.

Pity parties: Sometimes it’s clear from the get go, I AM NOT interested. Whether it’s physical, profile, or proximity. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. So I choose not to respond. Mr. Pity party: “Alas. It looks like I’ve been relegated to the junk heap of unanswered dating website emails! So sad, too bad as I thought we shared much in common that could have been the beginning of something good. I guess I will take the silence as uninterested and good luck in your search for what we are both looking for.” Sorry to be harsh (if that’s what silence is) but no response seemed better than a phony one!

Empathizers: Sweet but still no go! “I know how you feel about age and life’s tragedies! You’re just not wired to deal with the unexpected. Specially if you are with that special someone, your best friend, the one that completes you and defines you. All of a sudden you find you’re not ready to be alone, and that those special moments just don’t seem so special if you can’t share them. I just turned 65, feel better than I did in my late 40’s. I exercise regularly, do my core every day, yet I’m 65. (I love that!) Seems to me that women look down on a man that likes younger women, but they don’t want to date a man their age or a few years older. And if you looked at all the ladies on the site that are 50??? Not buying it! If you are interested in meeting a man that’s honest, sincere, and loyal as a Labrador, write to me.” I have a dog. Thank you. She’s honest, sincere, and loyal. Probably more so than you’ll ever be. See ya! 

Lookers: “Good morning. I am looking for a good friend where things could grow into something more.” Okay, keep looking! If you have to tell me what you’re looking for, I’m not interested. It has to grow organically! 

Never marrieds: “Looking for a friend, and dating, like a man in construction, will do honey do lists, enjoy (spelled it injoy) being happy, enjoy (again spelled injoy) being by the ocean).” If you can’t spell, or at least spell-check, you’re not for me! Never-marrieds. Red flag! With a capital RF!!

Ego man: Relentless messages should scream desperation! But I was too young in the game. What did I know? I gave in. Agreed to a call. Ego man: “What’s your real name?” Margo. Ego man: “Why don’t you go by that? It’s much nicer than Mikki.” Okay. We are off and running. Great start. Ego man: “So you work out. Where?” Equinox. OrangeTheory. Ego Man: “Oh those are just classes. Men don’t do classes.” Since when? And since when was Equinox, a beautiful gym, equipped to the max, ONLY classes catering to women. NOT! Ego Man: “Meet me at the Promenade.” The Promenade? WTF? When I said I didn’t know what or where it was, Ego Man responded: “How long have you lived here? What do you mean you don’t know where it is?” I knew it was over before it ever started! Little did he know I was going to be VERY sick in a few days. Date over. Ego man! You lose.

Bible man: Professes love from the get-go. Goes off the dating site after one email. Decides we’re meant for each other because God says so. He’s a widower. So. We were meant to be together. Quotes Bible verses. Tells me to pray for him in church on Sunday when I specifically said I was Jewish. But, swears he’s a good listener! Writes pages and pages of emails. Bible messages. Descriptions, definitions of love and life. My lack of response means nothing. Go read the Bible. You’ll get more love from the good book than me. Ever! Sorry! 

Repeaters: Guys who send the same message. Word for word. Pure sincerity. Not! Copy. Paste. Ditto. Duh. Idiots. They sent the identical message. One month ago. Sad part. They don’t remember!

Ghosters: Those who profess love. Write emails. Text. Morning, noon, and night. Progress to phone calls. Decent conversation. Opens the door to hope. And then. Poof! Gone! Vanished. No where to be seen or heard from. Ever. Again. Good riddance!

So dating. Bust! I think I’ll put it on the back burner for a while. Let the dating gods figure it out. Or Gregger. Maybe he has a better plan. Because I’m done. No more games. Players. Liars. Losers. Back to the couch. Just me and my Angel. Such is life. And love. For now. 

Chapter 2…It’s a Strange, Strange World!

Needless to say, after “Scam Man” I was leery. I was safer on the couch. With Angel. Maybe that’s where I belonged. Forever. But I was bored. So I started surfing. Again. What had I missed? Views. Messages. Matches. Not much. Nothing of interest. Some decent. But thousands of miles away. What was the point? Maybe one. Not bad. Potential. Lived close. Older. Meet for wine? Why not? In one minute. I knew. Ugh. Waste of time. Could I wine and dash? Yep! Used Angel as my excuse. Poor pup. Been home alone all day. Needed to walk her. Or so I said.  I was BORED to tears. Scanned the bar for cuter guys. Nothing. Bored with his stories. His questions. His conversation. His looks. Basically. Everything. Get. Me. Home. Loser #2. In the books.

A few days later, LA Dude (another one) connects. Should have been my first sign! One pic. Sign #2. But he looked okay. Not great. Okay. I was settling. Sad. Good profile. But. What did I know? Could be all lies. He messaged me. I returned a generic note. I’d learned. Give little. LA Dude: Why don’t we exchange phone numbers? That seemed reasonable. Hated being on the site. A day went by. Single text. LA Dude: “Hello.” Okay. Who the hell are you? LA Dude: “I’m the guy from the dating site. Why don’t you give me your email? I want to write you and tell you about myself.” Um. This was sounding a bit strange. But. Again. What did I know? I punched it in. Without thinking. Easy. He was gathering info. Smart dude. Two days went by. And I got the bio.

My Hobbies – I love to go to the beach/lake, watch movies , listen to music , dance , travel , cooking and Reading. I enjoy learning new things, trying new things and going to new places. I am an easy going guy. I love nature and love the simple things in life. I am looking for that special person to share all this moment with. I love to swim, run, i love watching soccer and would love to learn how to golf.l am new to this internet dating and hoping to meet the right person on here. For work, I am a Contractor by profession in both residential and commercial building. My favorite cuisine is Italian and sea food. Please tell me that you know how to make nice pasta and spaghetti … LOL .I am fun loving,cool,simple and outgoing kinda guy.I enjoy what life has to offer. I like to go somewhere I can enjoy cool fresh air , like flowers and natural water. Though i have had ups and downs in my life, but i am determined to succeed .I am independent and i live alone.. 2 years ago, my Ex-girlfriend cheated on me and i was heartbroken that’s why l had to relocate for reasons best known to me. With the kind of business i do, i get to travel a lot and I have been to some countries { saudi-arabia , Japan , Australia, south America , Greece , Jamaica , Germany , south Korea }.I am looking for a traveling partner, its so boring traveling alone.I value a woman that is honest, loving, caring, understanding, patient, communicative, great listener, loves to laugh, loves to travel, loves kids, romantic.The most beautiful combination of these things is found in women, if it’s creative and different I’d love to do it with her.Well I don’t know if am saying too much at the moment.How long have you been on this dating site ??? I would love to hear more about you, your family and anything you want me to know about. I am a good listener ok. So please let me hear from you.. Also send more Pictures of you. I hope this gives you a better view of my kind of person. Looking forward to your email. 

Ugh! I felt like I was interviewing for a “job position.” Did I fit the role? I don’t make pasta. I don’t even eat it. Don’t want to hear the pity party about the ex-girlfriend. Heartbreak. Blah, blah, blah. He sounded like a whiny teenage girl! I could be a traveling partner, but so could a dog. Honestly, everything about this guy screamed, “Get a dog!” It would give him all the unconditional love he needed! Again. I responded generically. Didn’t want to lead him on. I knew I wanted this to end. But. I had to learn a stronger approach. Either that or the guy was just trying too hard. Because he read me ALL WRONG. This is what I got!

Been home all alone {very lonely, if you know what i am talking about }, doing some paper work for a contract that i am looking forward to get. it’s really amazing how this online dating works,but l am here to meet the right person and my ideal woman is a woman that will love,adore,respect,care,understand and cherish me for who l am and not what l am.If she’s got all this features then age and beauty will just be by the side. l am a nice and easy going person with good sense of humor. l take life as it comes,l would love us to get to know each other better.
Thoughts Of Passion:
thrill; pacify: lull: cradle:
Thoughts of You, rush at my skin,
Like wind whipping at my soul,
Setting my body on fire,
With the thrill of your touch.
Anticipating the rush,
I depict the warmth of our bodies,
Intertwined under the full moon,
Until our souls are pacified.
As I soak in the pool of bliss,
Feeling the ecstasies of eternity,
Desiring an encounter with you,
Lulls me into a paradise of dreams.
Living with passionate memories,
Carries me through life’s daily rituals,
But at the end of the day,
I cradle your love, deep within my heart.
Lots Of Hugs and kisses

Good God! Disturbing to say the least! Done! Done! And DONE! I’m not sure if he’s wallowing in self-pity somewhere or sharing that poem with other innocents in the dating world. God help them! Weirdo #3 was in the books! Moving on…when life changes your plans you never know what it has in store for you! Well thanks for giving me the crazies! Not sure where the lesson is in this one, but I guess I’ll find it somewhere along the way…

Chapter 2..Wham Bam, Don’t Scam the Ma’am!

What are friends for? They are there to lift you up when you’re down. To hold your hand through the good times and bad. And to sign you up for online dating when they think it’s time! I didn’t have the guts to do it alone. I filled out the forms. Three, four, six. Who knows? But I never followed through. So when my sweet friend said she wanted to talk to me one Sunday, I never suspected it was about my dating! She said it was time to move on. And she was there to give me that nudge. Push. A giant shove. And that’s what it took.

So I was official. Now what? Wait until someone contacted me? Or scan through the hoards of prospects, hoping that one might actually be a “real match?” I’d heard enough horror stories through the years to know this was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Within minutes my phone beeped. Someone viewed you. Someone liked you. Someone messaged you. Interesting. Intriguing to say the least. Good for the ego. Until. I checked. Ugh! While I wasn’t expecting George Clooney (well, that would be amazing!), I did want a little class, distinction, grooming. Not! Here’s what I got. Tatted, Harley dudes. Swipe. “One pic” guys hiding behind shades. Swipe. Selfies with half faces. A nose. Swipe. Big bellies in wife beaters. Swipe. Entertainment. To say the least. And then came LA widow. Single father. Decent looking. Seemed normal. Nice enough. Multiple pics. Messaged me. Simple responses. Basic. It was a start. I figured. Why not? Give it shot. What did I have to lose? He jumped in. Quickly. Texted. First thing in the morning. Sweet messages. Felt a little creepy. Whatever. More in the afternoon. Emails. A little too “gushy.” Sentiments I never expressed. But he believed. Red flag!

“Where would I be if I had not met you? I’ll tell you where; I would still be lonely looking for that special someone to make me smile again. We found each other at just the right time. The distance that is between us is only going to make us stronger and there is less of a chance that we will take each other for granted. The weeks that we are apart, I look forward to the day that we are together. Everything that I have been through has only prepared me for this period. You are awesome and not to be taken lightly. The feelings that we share is beautiful. If I had met you earlier in my life maybe I wouldn’t appreciate you as much. I thank God every day I wake up that I decided to register on the site.I like you, and the way you make me feel, everyday.”

He was in Canada (or so he said) on business. Working a job. Sent me pics of himself and his son. Could have been anyone. He called one night. His voice was so beyond strange. My gut was reeling. He’d told me something about a complicated upbringing. Was he forewarning me? Not sure. Said his mother was Jamaican. Father from Texas. He grew up in Jamaica and came to the US twenty years ago. But the accent was weird. It didn’t fit. I could be off base. But intuition kept whispering, “something’s not right.” I went along. Took the calls. Messages. Cautiously. Until the second week. His tone changed. Sad. Down. And I knew. I told my sister. This is going to be about money. And I was spot on. I asked. Something wrong? “Apparently” his email had been hacked. Bank account had been hacked. And funny enough he needed money to finish the job in Canada to get back to his job in LA. Really? Did he think I was such a fool? Could I lend him $5200 until the following Tuesday? He’d pay me back with interest. I wanted to say, “Sure. Let me have my financial guy wire you the money. You loser.” What kind of idiot did he think I was? Needless to say, I did not fall for his game. But. He was the idiot. The following morning he texted, “I guess you fell asleep last night. I didn’t hear from you. I hope I’ll hear from you today and you’ll help me out.” I wrote. “Good luck.” His response, “I guess this means you don’t want to talk to me anymore.” Are you f-ing kidding me? Either I was a fool or this guy was out there in left field! The next day it continued. “Does this mean we’re not going to meet?” Oh, good God! Did I have to fly a banner that said, “I’M NOT AN IDIOT!!” I did not respond. A day later, “I respect your decision not to talk to me. I am weeding out all the bad people in my life so I won’t be talking to you anymore.” Wait? I was the “bad” person. Weed away dude! Good riddance! So, I dipped my toe into the online dating game, and this is what I got. Weirdo #1. In the books! The game goes on…

Chapter 2…Giant Leap

I’ve talked about moving on. Changing. Learning. And growing. But I took a giant leap of faith in January. I decided it was time. Time to step out. Put myself “out there.” I was tired of spending lonely nights at home. Snuggled with Angel. She’s great. Don’t get me wrong. But conversations are a drag. One-sided. So. I put it out to the universe. I was going to start DATING. Dating? What the hell did I know about dating! I hadn’t dated in over 45 years! And even then, I wasn’t a dater! I had boyfriends. When one broke up with me, soon after, I had another. Long term. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t have a string of boyfriends. Two, maybe three, in high school. And then. The Gregger. Two months into that. And I was engaged. So dating? I was a novice. Bar hopping? No way! Dinner alone? Never! My bold move. Starbucks. Peet’s. Head buried in my computer. Not exactly approachable in my book.
So. I threw it out. Universe. Help me. Find me a nice guy. A real one. I couldn’t face the onslaught of, dare I say, Online Dating. Ugh! I couldn’t do it. Dig through hearts, smileys, and emails. Distorted pictures, fuzzy images, and other “bs.” Somehow decipher the “good” from the “bad.” Was I so overwrought with the whole concept that I believed it would just “happen?” Again? Let the universe take charge. Whatever happened to meeting someone organically? Happenchance. The gym. Coffee shop. Grocery store. Who knew? It happens. In the movies. My dreams. But. I could hope. I had my head in the clouds. The dating clouds. But. It did. Or so I thought. I was sitting at my favorite spot one day. It was the day I decided to write again. While lost in my words, I caught a glimpse of a rather cute guy sitting at the table across from me. I felt the energy. I knew he was looking. Watching. I kept my head down. Pretended to be working. I wasn’t sure what to do. So I pretended to write. Type. Look at my book. Stay unapproachable. I have no idea what I wrote or read. I just felt energy shooting between us. When I got up to throw my cup away, he grabbed my attention. We talked. Connection. Easy. Commonalities. He took my number. My first. He texted. Again the next day. Called the next. And we planned to get together. I was a teenage girl. All over again. Butterflies. Nerves. What do I wear? What would I say? But. It was easy. Surprised me. I expected less. Or more. Hard. I don’t know. Anything but easy. But he made it easy for me. Comfortable. We talked. About everything. It was nice. I felt freer. Lighter. Having Fun. Something I thought I’d never have again.
A few fun dates. Simple. Carefree. Exactly the way I would want them to be. And then not. Wishy-washy. Games. My first lesson in the good old dating game! After being married for nearly 40 years, I dove head first into a pile of “you know what!” I questioned myself. My words. My thoughts. Everything. And it sent me backwards. Straight into a spiral. Of grief. I relived Gregger’s death. Over and over again. Ugh! I hit rock bottom. But I couldn’t allow him or “this” to control my emotions. He’s tiptoed back in and out. But I’ve learned. And moved on. Not that it’s gotten any better! Oh Lord! The stories I will tell…until next time!

If you have any stories to share, I would love to hear them! Submit to mikkieveloff@gmail.com