Chapter 2…It’s a Little Bit Country

I was never a big country western fan. But. Put my life to music. And I’m in. I’ll buy the track. The CD. Stream it. Download. Whatever. I’m a fan. The words. Resonate. Right to the beat of my heart. At the beginning of the grief journey, “you feel like you’re falling backwards. Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks. Like no one would even notice, if you left this town and never came back. You walk outside and all you see is rain. You look inside and all you feel is pain. And you can’t see it now. But down the road the sun is shining. In every cloud there’s a silver lining. Just keep holding on. And every heartache makes you stronger. But it won’t be much longer. You’ll find love, you’ll find peace. And the you you’re meant to be. I know right now that’s not the way you feel. But one day you will.” No one can tell you that. If they did, you’d look them straight in the face and either give them the “finger” or full on say, “FU!” But, with the mellifluent words of Lady Antebellum, you believe there’s light. Hope.

Then comes acceptance. Realizing this is the hand I was dealt. Accept with grace. Gratitude. Or wallow in pity. I prefer grace. And Carrie Underwood reminds me, “Said goodbye, turned around and you were gone, gone, gone. Faded into the setting sun, slipped away but I won’t cry. ‘Cause I know I’ll never be lonely. For you are the stars to me, you are the light I follow. I will see you again, this is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, ‘til I see you again. I can hear those echoes in the wind at night, calling me back in time, back to you, in a place far away where the water meets the sky. The thought of it makes me smile. You are my tomorrow. I will see you again. This is not where it ends. I will carry you with me, ‘til I see you again.” Gregger is everywhere. I see. I feel. I hear. I’m aware. I know. He’s beside me on my toughest days. He’s with me in my happiest moments. And I know. I will see him again. Hope.

And after some time. Time that seemed forever. Or a minute. Highs. Lows. Tears. A little laughter. With a pounding heart. And horrifying fear. It was time. I was “scared of love but scared of life alone. Seemed I’d been playing on the safe side. Building walls around my heart to save me. But it was time for me to let it go. I was ready to feel now. No longer was I afraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now without the fear of how it might end. I guess I’m ready to love again.” So my heart feels open. It’s beating again. But it’s not easy. Not sure if it’s me. Or them. But I’m open. And willing. Half the battle. Someday. One day. Hope.

For now, it’s me and my country music. Consoling. Comforting. And the stories of my life. The songs remind me. Of love, I’ve had. Beautiful memories. Love, I’ve lost. Much too soon. And love that’s meant to be. Someday.

I wrote my own “country song” (more like a poem) to the beat of my life. No music. Just words. Won’t make the Top 10. Won’t even make it to the country charts. But the words. Straight from my heart. And that’s as real as it gets. ❤️

My life its surely changing
I am hope’s white butterfly
Wings spread out wide open
Soaring through the big blue sky.
My heart had stopped its beating
And my soul was empty too
But hope it’s everlasting
As the scent of morning dew.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
I’ve made it through the worst of times
With feet still on the ground
This butterfly is soaring
Her heart and soul ‘been found.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
Tomorrow will be brighter
Live with peace and gratitude
Share the joy of every moment
It’s all ‘bout the attitude.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.
Yes hope will last forever
It is locked inside my heart
By a very special angel
We will never be apart.
The heartache makes me stronger
The tears, they dull my pain
But hope it’s everlasting
As the clouds and summer rain.