Author: Mikki Eveloff

I am certainly no princess, but I did marry my Prince Charming. We had the once upon a time and the “almost” happily ever after until August 30th, 2014 when my Prince Gregger died tragically on the beach in Maui. I believe in fairytales. I believe in fate. I believe that “everything happens for a reason.” We planned a lifetime together…75 years to be exact. Someone or something changed our plans and gave us a new “ever after.” So here I am. I am still a wife, but now they call me a widow. I am a mom and grandma…three children, two in-laws, and two grandchildren. Life has changed and it’s time to move forward. It doesn’t stop, it keeps on going, so I do too. It’s my choice. Be happy, be grateful. It’s the only choice. I have a treasure trove of memories to share..it’s how I keep the happily ever after alive. A True Love Fairytale is 40 years of memories…it’s the essence of our happily ever after. It’s the imperfections of our perfect marriage. And it’s what makes today beautiful.
writers block

Writer’s Block

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

DSC_0749I have had severe writer’s block the past few days. My brain feels like it is swirling. Memories going in and out, fading, fighting to come forefront. It’s an emotional turmoil of sadness, anger, frustration, and emptiness. I start writing, stumble and stop. I fight to focus. I can’t.

This started a few days ago after reading Sheryl Sandberg’s profound message on Facebook. It marked the end of her 30-day religious mourning period for her husband, Dave Goldberg. Not only could I personally relate to her story, but her words touched my soul so deeply. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to say, “I know. I feel. I understand.” People say these words. They mean well. But they don’t always get it. I really do. Unfortunately, I have really been there. I have been in those same shoes.

The outpouring of heartfelt responses was astounding. But it reminded me of the difficulty of finding a community in which to share the grief. You would think it would be simple. It is not. While a variety of grief groups are available throughout the country, finding a match is challenging. Reading Sheryl Sandberg’s words was comforting. It offered a connection, kinship. Her words touched more than 635,000 people who shared it over 271,000 times. What a gift that such sensitive words regarding death, growth, and blessings have reached so many across the world. Similar to her message, I stated in earlier posts that there is a lesson in everything. I don’t know that it is always there for us to see. I think we may have to wait to find the answers. But it is there. It is waiting for us. I am growing every day. I am learning to be alone. I am learning to let go. I am learning to be so grateful for every moment. I repeat that message over and over again, but it is worth repeating. It cannot be said enough.grief

I went back four months to reread some of my past posts. My writing has given me my own community. Whether one person or two thousand support my effort, I am grateful. It has given me strength on my weakest days. Hugs from friends and strangers arrive in the form of “likes,” “shares,” and beautiful comments and replies. They embrace me in a way that I could never express to friends, old and new. I hope Sheryl is feeling some of that love in the realization that her message touched so many people’s hearts. It is so true when she said she “lived thirty years in thirty days.” Life changes so quickly. Death forces you to change in the blink of an eye. The emptiness, the darkness is torturous. Ready or not, you go or stay stuck. As Sheryl said, she chose “life and meaning.” So did I. Gregger would not have wanted it any other way. Some days it feels like the hardest of choices, but just like the little red engine, I say, “I think I can, I KNOW I can.” In one of my first posts I wrote, “Life has changed and it’s time to move forward. It doesn’t stop, it keeps on going, so I do too. It’s my choice. Be happy, be grateful. It’s the only choice. I have a treasure trove of memories to share. It’s how I keep the happily ever after alive.”

Friends and family called, emailed, and FB messaged to share Sheryl’s link with me. “Her writings remind me of you.” “It made me think of you and the lessons you share.” “Keep inspiring others.” If my writings can inspire one or one million people to cherish the moments, be grateful for blessings, be compassionate, kind, forgive and let go, and appreciate the simple things in life, I am grateful. I have shared Gregger’s legacy. I have grown. I am heading toward my “new normal.”

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new-york-city

NYC…The City That Never Sleeps!

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

FullSizeRenderMay 30th, 2014.

NYC with the Gregger. He was on business as usual, I was on fun. But we always made time in the middle for “together time.” That was the best time. People always asked me, “Did you see this show, that show? Did you go to this museum? Restaurant?” Sometimes. But most of the time we were happy walking hand in hand down Fifth Avenue, through Central Park, or just around the city doing nothing. We’d stop for coffee, a glass of wine. We had our favorite eating hangouts. They were timeless. We were creatures of habit. Some would say we wasted our opportunities in a city like NYC, but we believed we used every opportunity we had to spend time just being. Gregger loved New York. If he had his druthers, he would have moved there. Gregger loved the hustle-bustle city life. Four days and I was cooked!

NYC 3Our first trip to NYC was magical in a unique way. I was preggers with Ashley. I was about five months along, but I was huge. My feet were swollen and busting out of my shoes. But I was determined to do New York right. Gregger did NOT believe in cabs. It was walk, walk everywhere! As much as I love to walk, my belly, butt, and feet were a bit weary after treading the streets of Manhatten. From Central Park, Radio City, Rockefeller Center to the Empire State Building, Wall Street to the World Trade Center (still standing back in 1985), Times Square, Broadway, and Soho we covered as much ground as my preggo body could tolerate. We ate our way through the city. Why not? I was eating for two! Gregger even convinced me to take a subway once and only once! I was terrified and rightly so. Heading to Soho and Greenwich we descended into the Subway. I clutched his arm, digging my nails in with fear. We boarded and the fear was overwhelming. Suddenly some bedraggled guy saunters  through and yells out, “I am not here to hurt anyone. I am not armed. I am not here to harm you in any way. I just need money.” Awesome! He proceeded to rant, walk and beg as I clawed my nails deeper into Gregger’s arm. Get me to Greenwich! It was years before I ever boarded another Subway train!  It was just one of those things.  It was all part of the magical journey.

FullSizeRender_2Gregger surprised me with a carriage ride through Central Park. It was romantic. For the first 10 minutes. And then we looked at each other and were SO over it! The horse poop smell. The slow clip-clop of the horse’s hooves on the pavement. We hugged. We snuggled. And then we were so done. We were ready for food and whatever else the night was going to bring. Been there, done that, over it.

We had so many other great trips to the Big Apple. It became familiar. Home-like. I could navigate without Gregger, without fear. I even overcame my fear of the subway. I cruised that city like a true New Yorker, straight from Bloomies to Saks to Bergdorfs. I  nailed it! Gregger loved sharing the sites of the city he loved with the kids. We ventured out to Ellis Island (in pursuit of our ancestry), the Statute of Liberty, Little Italy, Canal Street, and Chinatown. What a magnificent day! Capturing the world in one big city! We walked from Columbus Circle to South Street Seaport and back. That is one long hike. But there was no other way to soak it all it in! That was Gregger’s way!

NYCLast June was our last trip to NYC together. We stayed at our choice hotel. We had reservations at our best-loved restaurants. We cheered at happy hour. We walked in Central Park. Gregger stole Saturday for Bloody Mary’s and our day in the city. An extraordinary trip and then it was time to head back to reality. Or so we thought. After four or five hours of sitting, waiting, and drinking, the plane was grounded with mechanical problems. While my theory is always “better safe than sorry,” Gregger was slightly annoyed. I figured why not make the most of another great night together. US Airways was putting us up for the night, paying for dinner and drinks. How could we lose? Well, we could. The hotel was dirty. The food was disgusting. And we just wanted to get home! But why focus on the negative? We were together and that was really all that mattered. All in all the trip was full of magic, moments, memories.

New York will never be the same for me. I went back last January. It was cold. Freezing. Sure, it was winter. But it was colder because Gregger wasn’t there. His smile, his laugh, his infectious aura. The retail industry had their own private memorial for Gregger. It was a first. They saved it for the BEST. I’ll go back someday. But for now I’ll cherish those memories like all the others. We were lucky. We had a full life. We really got to LIVE. It was shorter than we hoped for, but what a blessing!

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Growing Through Something

Growing Through Something

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

2015-02-05 15.52.05“When you are experiencing uncomfortable circumstances you can choose your disposition about your position.  You can either say you are ‘going’ through something or  you can say you are ‘GROWING’ through something.”

The first of so many great lessons, to say I am “growing through something” EVERY DAY is a grand understatement. My eyes are wide open to the lessons in front of me. These are the BEST 25 lessons I’ve collected in the past nine months, and it’s only the beginning!   LIFE 4

  1. Some days just really SUCK! But bad days don’t last forever. They make the good ones seem GREAT.
  2. Let go of expectations. The result will ALWAYS be BETTER.
  3. Stop trying to be ok all of the time. If I feel angry, be angry. If I feel sad, cry. If I feel happy, laugh. But don’t repress emotions just to be ok.
  4. It’s okay to show a sign of weakness. I can’t always be the STRONG one. I can try, but I might not always succeed.
  5. Be honest with myself. Be honest with others. Holding back will only end up hurting one of us.
  6. Surround myself with positive people. Let go of those who do not support, share, or listen. Negativity weighs me down.
  7. Hold on tight to the BEST people in my life. Recognize the blessings and be grateful for those friends and family for they are the greatest gift.
  8. Take care of me. I’m the only one I have. (I have never been good at this. It is a real learning process.)
  9. Forgive. Let go. Forgive myself. Freedom.
  10. Follow my dreams whatever they may be. (Again, a really hard one.)
  11. Starting a new chapter doesn’t mean I am closing the last one. The words, pictures, and memories will always be there so I can turn back the page.
  12. Accept that plans change. Big life plans, small plans, any plans. It sucks, but it’s real. Acceptance and flexibility are the only roads to take.
  13. There are no mistakes if I learn and grow. (Tough, tough, tough for a perfectionist!!)
  14. There’s no such thing as “woulda, shoulda, coulda,” or the big “WHAT IF.”
  15. Don’t waste my time being upset about something I cannot change. Sometimes it just is what it is. Accept it. Or if there is room for change, start over and do it better the next time.
  16. Live so that if people were to talk about me, they couldn’t find “bad” words to say.
  17. Cherish the moments. Life is just WAY too short.
  18. Step out of my box in order to make changes. Otherwise, I just stay stuck.
  19. Communication, trust, and respect are key. Don’t shut down now.
  20. One step at a time is the only way to move forward. Not stepping at all is going nowhere.
  21. There is no timeline or deadline for healing.
  22. Smile – it feels good even when I don’t.   LIFE 5
  23. Trust my gut. I get it right every time!
  24. Follow my heart. I am the only one who has to live with my decisions.
  25. Sit back, enjoy the ride. See what life brings. It’s not what it used to be. It’s not what I planned. It’s not what I wanted. But it’s the only life I’ve got. Why not make the most of it? It’s the BEST choice I’ve got!LIFE 2

 

 

9 months

9 Months

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

10 (1)Dear Gregger,

Nine months. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but that doesn’t really apply in this case. This is not fun. Not having you here is NOT fun. I keep thinking that it’s just a bad dream and I’ll wake up to see your smiling face in the kitchen, all sweaty from your morning workout, drinking a cup of coffee, engrossed in the morning paper. But you’re not there. It’s still, silent, and empty. I want to call you and tell you things. Funny, sad, gossipy, nonsensical. I just want to talk. I miss my best friend. Nine months. I think about what you’ve missed and what’s changed. It’s crazy! Looking back we managed life as well as any bronc rider, holding on with grit,strength, courage, and patience every time something tried to “buck” us off track. I’m still holding on, but stumbling at times. Unbalanced. My other side is missing.

beachI walked along the beach today. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted you beside me so we could stroll in silence or chit chat endlessly about mundane events. I see couples everywhere. Young, old, middle-age. I’m envious. I sit at Starbucks, picturing  you  across from me, sipping your coffee. But you’re not there. Nine months. I have some crazy couple sit down and try to befriend me. I channel my Gregger. I’m friendly, social. But it’s weird and she wants to be my new best friend. She shows me pictures of her dog, trip to Greece, tells me about her divorce, and her mother who died. When I mention you, she says, “Oh honey I’m sorry, my dog just died.” Not really sure how to respond to that. I pack my bags and go home to my quiet, empty apartment. I’m starting over without you and I wish you were here, every day.

Nine months. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same.

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays keep coming. You’ve missed so many in this short nine months – Adam’s birthday, Ashley’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, our anniversary, your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Ryan’s birthday, Tyler’s birthday, Jacob’s birthday, Ashley and Tyler’s anniversary. The world keeps spinning, life goes on, although sometimes it seems it should just stop. But we always celebrated. You wouldn’t want us to stop now. So we keep on celebrating but miss your laughter.

  • I got a puppy. Oh, you’d be so mad. Another dog? I needed her. She’s my best friend. Nothing could take your place, but she’s the closest thing possible. She cuddles, kisses, and loves unconditionally. You would fight me tooth and nail, but you would LOVE her!   IMG_1337
  • I watched my first movie today. Do you remember the last movie we saw together? Me either. It was that long ago. Well, this was a start. Something new. I actually watched the WHOLE thing. I paused, stopped, talked on the phone, played on the computer, and was distracted, but I watched it.
  • “Parenthood” ended. The series. I wanted you there to watch with me, especially when Zeke died. You would have cried with me. But instead I cried alone and thought of you.
  • grey'sDerek died on Grey’s Anatomy. Can you believe they killed him off? It was the shocker of the season. Meredith seems to be stronger than me, but she’s on TV. I’m not.
  • New champs were named on Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, and The Voice. I know. You could care less! You hated reality shows. But I missed watching the finales with YOU.
  • I sold the stores. You knew that. It was hard but the right decision. I couldn’t be you. No one can be you. There will never be another Gregger. So I sold the stores and walked away. I’m sorry.
  • I painted the house. I think you would love the color. It looks awesome!
  • I fixed the garage. It wasn’t the sun rotation after all that time! Can you believe it? What was it? 2 years we agonized with that damn door! It was the spring all that time! Oh well…such is life!
  • houseI’m selling the house. We talked about this for how long? It’s just too much for me to be there without you. I see you in every room. I won’t be moving where WE wanted to move, but that’s okay too. Everything’s fixed now. And the house looks better than ever…it’s just not a home anymore. It’s a house.
  • I rented a place in San Diego…by myself. That’s huge! It’s small and simple but I’m testing out the area. There are so many memories here. Last night Lucy and I walked by the Park Hyatt Aviara. Tears streamed down my cheeks as memories flooded back from the most glorious wedding weekend EVER! Rewind please!

I’ve learned that life is one big lesson. I have opened my mind and heart. I have embraced your sweet soul, your kindness, generosity, and compassion to conquer the obstacles in my way. I have learned to release expectations. No expectations, no disappointment, no frustration, no sadness. I’ve learned to cherish the moments. Whatever they may be. Sometimes I want more, but I’ll take the moments. Because in the end, moments are all we really have. So I will cherish every one.

Nine months. It doesn’t get easier. It just gets different. But loving you and missing you will never change.

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memorial day

Holiday Weekends for the Heroes

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Memorial dayMemorial Day Weekend. Lost in the shadows of barbecues, beer, and brotherhood, Memorial Day commemorates those who have given their lives for our country.  The heroes. Flags flutter in the wind, flowers grace cemeteries, store sales abound, sporting events blast the tube and government stops. It’s a time for family, friends, and community. For the fashion conscious (which runs in this family), Memorial Day marks the official acceptance of “white wear.” White clothing, white shoes. Yes, even Gregger pulled out the white jeans and bucks! We savor these three-day weekends. We plan, we party, we poop out.

For Gregger and I these holidays were simply a “day off.” For many years he closed the store. He was a rebel. He believed people deserved the day off. If it was a holiday, close the store. Everyone needed rest. He defied the rules. Then the shopping center gods stepped in. Lease rules. No overstepping the boundaries. So he did it his way. Holiday hours. He sucked it up and did what he had to do. Memorial Day was one of those holidays he passed off. I got lucky. I had him for two whole days. It was strange at times. I wasn’t used to his being home for two days straight. Most people would find that odd. But for 40 years Gregger worked six days a week. He never took extra days off. Two days in a row. That was really something! We savored those moments. But that was in the later years.

Scan 102 (1)This holiday weekend I was thinking back to days gone by. Memorial Days when Gregger and I were in our prime and the kids were blossoming and athetically active. Watching the French Open today brought back a bevvy of memories and emotions. I missed so many holidays with Gregger. I was busy traveling with the kids. Nothing extravagant or flashy. We were staying in roadside motels, driving from state to state.  The boys were competitive tennis players. It was a crazy life. Tennis never had a season. A year round activity. Year round schlepping to practice. Year round juggling homework, practice, tournaments, and social life. Year round stress.  And the big tournaments were always over holidays. From Labor Day to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, Easter to Memorial Day, they never ended. Our travel took us southwest, midwest, California. Gregger was stuck at home working his tail off to pay for all of the travel, coaches, equipment, and other paraphernalia. Each weekend Ashley lugged her backpack filled with coloring books and crayons.  Her faithful companion “Woof-Woof” tight in hand, Ashley sat silently on the sidelines. Meanwhile, I paced, gnawed my nails, clapped, and faked calmness as best I could (I completely failed!). If one or both of the boys made the finals, Gregger might hop a plane to surprise us. Or, if we were lucky enough for a Tucson destination, he would make it down for a match or two. It was a crazy life. But certainly a life none of us would change. Or maybe we would. The vote is out on that one.  ryan tennis

JFKI spent this weekend with new friends (stepped way out of my box – thanks Marcia and Geoff!), my son (who was sweet enough to drive over from AZ), and alone (learning to cope). I would much rather be chumming with my “buddy,” but he’s not here. I hope he’s enjoying his day off. He looked so forward to two days in a row. He lingered a little bit longer with his coffee. He scrolled slowly through his facebook page (but wouldn’t admit it!). He got a bit of “scruff” after not shaving for two days. He even settled back with a beer or two (maybe even a Jameson) to catch up on some TV. They were fun times. Good times. Memorable times. With the kids. When the kids were grown. So on this Memorial Day, I honor the heroes who died fighting for our country. But I honor my lost hero too. I miss you.

in a cinch

It’s a “Cinch”

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

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I knew I hit the jackpot with Gregger for so many reasons, but what woman wouldn’t love a man who loves to clean! This guy was great with a sponge, mop, vacuum, toilet brush, and more! But, his favorite was cleaning glass! He would clean mirrors, windows, tables, etageres, or whatever clear products he could put his hands on until there wasn’t a streak in sight. But, he had a science, and you did NOT mess with the Gregger! Always, and ONLY use newspaper…UGH! This left my hands and nails black and dirty. Why not just use paper towels? Nope, newspaper it was, so the job was his! For years Windex was his product of choice, until Gregger discovered the ultimate Cinch.  cinch

You would have thought this was the end-all of all products on the market. We had at least five to six bottles on stock at a time in our house, and, seriously, our windows, mirrors, and glass did NOT get THAT dirty! All was good with the cleaning world as long as Gregger had his Cinch. It pretty much worked on everything, and our house was Cinched clean. Then the dreaded day came when we had to restock and the store shelves were EMPTY. Not a bottle of Cinch in sight.  I scrounged this valley in search of that ludicrous cleaner – from Safeway, Fry’s, and Albertson’s to Target, WalMart, Home Depot and any other store that may carry cleaner. I googled it, searched Amazon, and drove myself crazy. I had to break the news. Cinch was clearly off the market. Gregger was devastated. He tried brand after brand but continued to mourn his Cinch. I think he finally settled with some Costco brand glass cleaner that was satisfactory enough to suffice his needs. Either that or window cleaning had finally taken a much lower rank on his priority pole.

the-simple-things-in-life-seems-more-meaningful-now-quote-1Now, my world is just fine without Cinch, but imagine my exhilaration when I saw this big red bottle with that inscription on the store shelf the other day. I wanted to pick up my phone and call to the heavens, “Hey Gregger…CINCH is back! All is good and clean with the world!” I just grinned. It was one of those silly moments that would have made him so happy. He didn’t care about expensive presents, fancy dinners, or flashy things, but if I had brought home a case of Cinch, he would have grinned from ear to ear. I can see it, I can feel it, and I know he’s smiling now. Sometimes it’s the little things that bring us joy, give us hope, and help us make it through another day.

moment of gratitude

An Attitude of Gratitude

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

blessing“The more you recognize and express gratitude for the things you have, the more things you will have to express gratitude for.” The million dollar question these days is, “How do you make it through each day?” The million dollar answer…I count my blessings. I am grateful for the beautiful life I had with Gregger, for the memories, and the family we created together. I am grateful for the strength he gave me to move forward. Gratitude truly unlocks so many treasures. It allows sadness to melt away. It forges its way to forgiveness. It creates a sense of well-being. It makes simple seem abundant.

gratitude (1)It took me a long time to have an attitude of gratitude. Basically, I was a little bit of a “downer.” I thought the world was against me. I think I had a fairly negative outlook on life. Even if things were going well, I was waiting for the ball to drop. I didn’t know how to enjoy the “ups” because I was too busy anticipating the coming of the “downs.” Gregger was different. He was the “up” guy. He didn’t get my negativity. While he wasn’t all sunshine, roses, and lollipops, he smiled through the tough stuff and knew something better was on the other side. I would go to sleep at night and tell myself, “I am going to wake up in the morning and be positive. I am going to be grateful and happy.” It didn’t work that way. It wasn’t in my soul. Not yet.

yoga (2)About 10 years ago I made a significant change in my life. I retired from the fitness industry after 17 years. My body had taken a pretty good pounding after teaching 10-15 classes a week of old school high impact and step aerobics. I needed something different. My mom had tried to convince me to give yoga a whirl, but I wasn’t ready for something so “slow” and, quite frankly, boring. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. It just seemed too quiet, monotonous, no sweat, no pain, and a waste of my time. But I needed something NEW. One day, on a whim, I dropped into a free hot yoga class. I was a bit intimidated, but decided it was worth a second shot. The challenges were unfamiliar but fresh and inspiring.  Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I had to focus. I had to stare face to face in the mirror, accept “me” whether I balanced, faltered, or fell flat on my face. Several classes in and I was hooked. At first it was about the positions. Being the “perfectionist” I am, I challenged myself to get them right. Over and over again and again. I took class after class, sweating like a pig, challenging my body to hold without wavering, bend to the max. I knew I could do it. Somedays were better than others. It was all about focus and mind games. When it came time for savasana (corpse pose) I did not know how to surrender.  What did I need at the grocery store? What was I going to make for dinner? What errands did I need to get done? My mind was everywhere but in the present moment.  Blank. Empty. Surrendered. And then I began to listen.

yoga (3)I had spent so much of my life looking outside of myself to be happy. I always believed that other people and things would provide fulfillment. But what I was missing was that the happiness needed to come from within. I was so busy “doing” that I wasn’t just being. The peace and silence made me “aware” for the first time. I saw the beautiful blessings in my life. I felt happiness and joy within because I was grateful. Grateful for life, my family, friends, and every blessed day. Yoga became so much more than poses in a hot room. I can’t even physically practice anymore due to unfortunate back surgery. But I still practice yoga everyday. I do yoga when I’m walking. I do yoga when I’m having a difficult moment. I do yoga when I feel the need to reconnect with myself. I breathe. I feel grateful. I recognize my blessings.

This past year has given me a greater appreciation for my blessings. I wake up each day grateful for what I have, what I had, and what the day may bring. Even the crappiest days (and there are many) have “light.” I can take a breath. I can open my eyes. I can see what is right in front of me. I can feel blessed. I can be grateful. I can be happy in the worst of times because life itself is a gift. Thank you yoga for opening my eyes, for allowing me to find peace and happiness within. So the million dollar question, “How do you make it through each day?” I breathe. I count my blessings. And I am grateful.

gratitude 2

Thanks for the Memories

Thanks for the Memories

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

facebook logoI just wanted to send a “shout out” to Facebook. I look so forward to my memory notifications every day. What was I doing last year? 2 years ago? 5 years ago?  A few days ago those memories brought Gregger to life. I saw him smile, laugh, and dance like the crazy guy he was. Merely 2 years ago Gregger and I were dancing our hearts out in the middle of Ashley and Tyler’s living room to some silly dance video game. We were making fools of ourselves in the grandest way, but why not! It was a room filled with laughter, joy, and an abundance of love. Neither of us got it, but we were game. Anything for a good laugh, especially when spending time with the kids. Special times. Cherished memories.  Today I saved that memory. I can replay it when I need to hear Gregger’s voice, his chuckle, or watch his goofy dance moves. What a gift.  image

memories 4

Gregger had a love/hate relationship with Facebook. We used to banter because he was so socially awkward. On one hand he was the nosiest guy. Deep down he WANTED to know, but he wouldn’t admit his deep-seated curiousity. He believed it was diminishing his manhood in some way to commit to the Facebook frenzy. He would constantly peak over my shoulder to see what was happening with who. “Who is that?” “What did they say?” I would get incredibly frustrated by his invasion of MY privacy. Get your own account for goodness sake! If you want the info, hook up! I, or really we, finally convinced him it was a sound business decision to be Facebook friendly. He conceded. The Clotherie was the first to sign. Slowly he saw the benefits and decided it was time to connect with the world. Convincing him to accept people as friends was a whole new issue. He didn’t grasp the concept that he didn’t have to converse with everyone on a daily basis. This was so contrary to his personable nature! Gregger was the NICEST GUY you would ever meet. The guy who sent a birthday card to EVERYONE! The guy who was so connected to his phone that I couldn’t get him to disconnect at night, on weekends, or times we went away. He LOVED PEOPLE! But he was intimidated by this social networking giant. He was proud of every technological advancement he made but he deemed this insipid, trivial, and totally unproductive!

memories 2I can’t say Gregger ever developed a genuine love for social media, but he was hooked in his rudimentary way. He checked in every now and then. He’d complain. But he loved the gossip, the pics, and the news. I knew. It made him laugh. It made him smile. And he learned to LIKE IT with a THUMBS UP!

If Gregger only knew what Facebook has given me now that he’s gone  – oodles of memories that capture the spirit of his presence. I am grateful. I love Facebook. I am hooked. I love feeling connected to the past and present. Thanks for the memories. What a true blessing!

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gregger got his groove

Gregger Finally Got his Groove On

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

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This is a tough week. Countless recollections of the ultimate joy in “our” life. Reflecting on best-ever moments filled with love, family, friends, celebration, and LIFE. Gregger was in his glory. But the best memory of all…

Gregger had two left feet…he was dashing, savvy, and charming as could be, but a dancer he was not!  God love the guy…he was great at just about everything but he didn’t have a dancing bone in his body! We would get out on the dance floor and shake our groove thing, but he kind of just rocked side to side, arms shaking to and fro. He’d just smile that twinkling smile, keep on rockin’ as I twisted, twirled, schimmied, and shaked my body away. I don’t think his feet moved from one spot. Needless to say, dancing was a challenge.

imageFast forward to April 2012…Ashley and Tyler announce their  engagement. The Gregger makes an even bigger announcement to me…he wants to take dance lessons so he can do a special dance with his daughter at her wedding. I’m thinking…this is a guy who can’t pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time. We might need more than a year to get the job done. But I keep my mouth shut..I cannot burst his dream. I start searching. We actually go to Arthur Murray…OMG! What a nightmare…what a joke! They want thousands of dollars, a signed contract, and social dancing. He barely has time to breathe much less time for social dancing – not going to happen. To the rescue…our Lisa (a new employee who happens to be a ballroom dancer…what are the chances?). While Ashley learns by face-time and remote, I am the stand-in…it’s quite a production but they get the job done. The Gregger practices religiously morning and night determined to make his daughter proud.

imageMay 18th, 2014…the wedding. Magical, romantic, beautiful, every girl’s dream…but, most of all her daddy’s dream too. His dream to walk his little girl down the aisle to HER prince charming…the man he would trust to take care of his “baby” for the rest of her life…to love, honor and cherish. And he walked gallantly, because he knew, because he trusted. And then it was time…time to twirl his “baby” on that lighted dance floor. Time for the spotlight…two minutes just daddy and daughter.  Two minutes where he no longer rocked but he swayed, sashayed, and shimmied across that dance floor, guiding his princess in all of his glory. It was “their” shining moment…that daddy-daughter moment in time that you want to freeze-frame forever. He relived that moment over and over again, as will I through pictures and videos. Gregger finally got his groove on…he saved the best for last. He saved the best for his baby. It was his glory day. There will never be a shimmy like a Gregger shimmy! When we hear a little thunder now and then, it just might be Gregger getting his shimmy on! Or at least I’d like to think so! Shake it baby, shake it!

Happy 2nd Anniversary to my baby girl and her prince! May your fairtyale continue forever…

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Life Change

Change

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

choices and change2My life these past 8 1/2 months has been all about change. As we live our life we go through so many changes. We grow, we marry, we have children, and then we are alone again. We are constantly changing, constantly growing, learning, evolving. Staying stagnant does not seem to be an option. It seems boring and useless. So we keep moving. We keep changing. But death is the ultimate change. It changes the lives of so many people. It’s not just about the one who died, but those left behind. I am no longer a wife. I am now a widow. I no longer focus my energy on making someone else happy. He is no longer here. My days and nights change, my relationships change.

embrace-by-linda-wood (1)I have two choices. I can fight the change or embrace it. I choose to embrace it. There are times the change makes me angry, sad and frustrated. I’m angry Gregger’s not here. I’m frustrated I have to deal with these people and tedious tasks I don’t understand. I want to walk away. But I can’t. But then I know I am taking control. I am doing something. And that gives me a sense of power.

“Every moment that changes your life changes who you are.”

I resisted change. I was such a creature of habit, even a little OCD. It drove Gregger crazy. I loved routine. I woke up at the same time. I followed the same patterns. I was not good at spontaneity. I ate the same foods – EVERY DAY! I was boring. He was a routine guy too, but he could change things up a little better than me. He could NOT and would NOT break his morning pattern. Bike with sports page, read rest of paper with first cup of coffee, shower with second cup of coffee, dress and breakfast (yes, simultaneously), and gone! But throw a curve ball for some fun social action and he was far more game than me. I needed notice, mental prep time. Call me strange, but it’s one of my quirks.

every day 2Six years ago I wrote on my timeline, “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in everyday.” I believe that is part of my change. It is about finding the good. Losing my best friend has given me a greater awareness for the beauty, the love, and the life that surrounds me. I made a HUGE change several days ago. I moved from my home to a new city. It may not be a permanent move right now, but it’s for a long enough period of time that I have to figure things out. Not everything went as perfectly as planned. But it’s okay. I’ve got a new place and I am looking on each day as a new adventure. What will Lucy and I discover today? We will venture out into unknown territory. Maybe we will find our new Starbucks, talk to a stranger, or simply hang out in the beautiful weather together. It’s okay. I will embrace the change one day at a time for whatever it brings me. These are a few of my welcomed, yet unexpected changes:

1. No cable, TV, or internet as scheduled for 2 days…completely disconnected makes me focus on me. I thought I would freak without noise, but instead I savored the silence. I survived.

2. Small space. Kind of cool. Everything fit. Less mess, less cleaning. Can’t complain.

3. Unknown territory. Thank goodness for navigation system. It works. It got me where I needed to go. Again, I survived.

4. No yard for Lucy. We walk. Great for for her, better for me. Win-win!

5. Living on the second floor. Climbing stairs. Lugging groceries. Lots of bags. Great exercise!

6. Cool weather. No complaints! Sweatshirt on and I’m ready to roll. Love it!

new lifeWhile it felt like life was ending, this is a beginning. My first beginning in 40 years. This is truly the first time I have EVER been on my own. Talk about change! Talk about learning! Talk about growing! I will embrace this and see where the journey takes me. I will forever be grateful to Gregger for giving me the strength to stand on my own two feet. I am no longer the little girl he married 39 years ago. Thank you Gregger for guiding me with your love and wisdom to become strong and independent. It was your greatest gift to me today. I love you now and forever.