9 months

9 Months

10 (1)Dear Gregger,

Nine months. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but that doesn’t really apply in this case. This is not fun. Not having you here is NOT fun. I keep thinking that it’s just a bad dream and I’ll wake up to see your smiling face in the kitchen, all sweaty from your morning workout, drinking a cup of coffee, engrossed in the morning paper. But you’re not there. It’s still, silent, and empty. I want to call you and tell you things. Funny, sad, gossipy, nonsensical. I just want to talk. I miss my best friend. Nine months. I think about what you’ve missed and what’s changed. It’s crazy! Looking back we managed life as well as any bronc rider, holding on with grit,strength, courage, and patience every time something tried to “buck” us off track. I’m still holding on, but stumbling at times. Unbalanced. My other side is missing.

beachI walked along the beach today. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted you beside me so we could stroll in silence or chit chat endlessly about mundane events. I see couples everywhere. Young, old, middle-age. I’m envious. I sit at Starbucks, picturing  you  across from me, sipping your coffee. But you’re not there. Nine months. I have some crazy couple sit down and try to befriend me. I channel my Gregger. I’m friendly, social. But it’s weird and she wants to be my new best friend. She shows me pictures of her dog, trip to Greece, tells me about her divorce, and her mother who died. When I mention you, she says, “Oh honey I’m sorry, my dog just died.” Not really sure how to respond to that. I pack my bags and go home to my quiet, empty apartment. I’m starting over without you and I wish you were here, every day.

Nine months. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same.

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays keep coming. You’ve missed so many in this short nine months – Adam’s birthday, Ashley’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, our anniversary, your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Ryan’s birthday, Tyler’s birthday, Jacob’s birthday, Ashley and Tyler’s anniversary. The world keeps spinning, life goes on, although sometimes it seems it should just stop. But we always celebrated. You wouldn’t want us to stop now. So we keep on celebrating but miss your laughter.

  • I got a puppy. Oh, you’d be so mad. Another dog? I needed her. She’s my best friend. Nothing could take your place, but she’s the closest thing possible. She cuddles, kisses, and loves unconditionally. You would fight me tooth and nail, but you would LOVE her!   IMG_1337
  • I watched my first movie today. Do you remember the last movie we saw together? Me either. It was that long ago. Well, this was a start. Something new. I actually watched the WHOLE thing. I paused, stopped, talked on the phone, played on the computer, and was distracted, but I watched it.
  • “Parenthood” ended. The series. I wanted you there to watch with me, especially when Zeke died. You would have cried with me. But instead I cried alone and thought of you.
  • grey'sDerek died on Grey’s Anatomy. Can you believe they killed him off? It was the shocker of the season. Meredith seems to be stronger than me, but she’s on TV. I’m not.
  • New champs were named on Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, and The Voice. I know. You could care less! You hated reality shows. But I missed watching the finales with YOU.
  • I sold the stores. You knew that. It was hard but the right decision. I couldn’t be you. No one can be you. There will never be another Gregger. So I sold the stores and walked away. I’m sorry.
  • I painted the house. I think you would love the color. It looks awesome!
  • I fixed the garage. It wasn’t the sun rotation after all that time! Can you believe it? What was it? 2 years we agonized with that damn door! It was the spring all that time! Oh well…such is life!
  • houseI’m selling the house. We talked about this for how long? It’s just too much for me to be there without you. I see you in every room. I won’t be moving where WE wanted to move, but that’s okay too. Everything’s fixed now. And the house looks better than ever…it’s just not a home anymore. It’s a house.
  • I rented a place in San Diego…by myself. That’s huge! It’s small and simple but I’m testing out the area. There are so many memories here. Last night Lucy and I walked by the Park Hyatt Aviara. Tears streamed down my cheeks as memories flooded back from the most glorious wedding weekend EVER! Rewind please!

I’ve learned that life is one big lesson. I have opened my mind and heart. I have embraced your sweet soul, your kindness, generosity, and compassion to conquer the obstacles in my way. I have learned to release expectations. No expectations, no disappointment, no frustration, no sadness. I’ve learned to cherish the moments. Whatever they may be. Sometimes I want more, but I’ll take the moments. Because in the end, moments are all we really have. So I will cherish every one.

Nine months. It doesn’t get easier. It just gets different. But loving you and missing you will never change.

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memorial day

Holiday Weekends for the Heroes

Memorial dayMemorial Day Weekend. Lost in the shadows of barbecues, beer, and brotherhood, Memorial Day commemorates those who have given their lives for our country.  The heroes. Flags flutter in the wind, flowers grace cemeteries, store sales abound, sporting events blast the tube and government stops. It’s a time for family, friends, and community. For the fashion conscious (which runs in this family), Memorial Day marks the official acceptance of “white wear.” White clothing, white shoes. Yes, even Gregger pulled out the white jeans and bucks! We savor these three-day weekends. We plan, we party, we poop out.

For Gregger and I these holidays were simply a “day off.” For many years he closed the store. He was a rebel. He believed people deserved the day off. If it was a holiday, close the store. Everyone needed rest. He defied the rules. Then the shopping center gods stepped in. Lease rules. No overstepping the boundaries. So he did it his way. Holiday hours. He sucked it up and did what he had to do. Memorial Day was one of those holidays he passed off. I got lucky. I had him for two whole days. It was strange at times. I wasn’t used to his being home for two days straight. Most people would find that odd. But for 40 years Gregger worked six days a week. He never took extra days off. Two days in a row. That was really something! We savored those moments. But that was in the later years.

Scan 102 (1)This holiday weekend I was thinking back to days gone by. Memorial Days when Gregger and I were in our prime and the kids were blossoming and athetically active. Watching the French Open today brought back a bevvy of memories and emotions. I missed so many holidays with Gregger. I was busy traveling with the kids. Nothing extravagant or flashy. We were staying in roadside motels, driving from state to state.  The boys were competitive tennis players. It was a crazy life. Tennis never had a season. A year round activity. Year round schlepping to practice. Year round juggling homework, practice, tournaments, and social life. Year round stress.  And the big tournaments were always over holidays. From Labor Day to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, Easter to Memorial Day, they never ended. Our travel took us southwest, midwest, California. Gregger was stuck at home working his tail off to pay for all of the travel, coaches, equipment, and other paraphernalia. Each weekend Ashley lugged her backpack filled with coloring books and crayons.  Her faithful companion “Woof-Woof” tight in hand, Ashley sat silently on the sidelines. Meanwhile, I paced, gnawed my nails, clapped, and faked calmness as best I could (I completely failed!). If one or both of the boys made the finals, Gregger might hop a plane to surprise us. Or, if we were lucky enough for a Tucson destination, he would make it down for a match or two. It was a crazy life. But certainly a life none of us would change. Or maybe we would. The vote is out on that one.  ryan tennis

JFKI spent this weekend with new friends (stepped way out of my box – thanks Marcia and Geoff!), my son (who was sweet enough to drive over from AZ), and alone (learning to cope). I would much rather be chumming with my “buddy,” but he’s not here. I hope he’s enjoying his day off. He looked so forward to two days in a row. He lingered a little bit longer with his coffee. He scrolled slowly through his facebook page (but wouldn’t admit it!). He got a bit of “scruff” after not shaving for two days. He even settled back with a beer or two (maybe even a Jameson) to catch up on some TV. They were fun times. Good times. Memorable times. With the kids. When the kids were grown. So on this Memorial Day, I honor the heroes who died fighting for our country. But I honor my lost hero too. I miss you.

in a cinch

It’s a “Cinch”

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I knew I hit the jackpot with Gregger for so many reasons, but what woman wouldn’t love a man who loves to clean! This guy was great with a sponge, mop, vacuum, toilet brush, and more! But, his favorite was cleaning glass! He would clean mirrors, windows, tables, etageres, or whatever clear products he could put his hands on until there wasn’t a streak in sight. But, he had a science, and you did NOT mess with the Gregger! Always, and ONLY use newspaper…UGH! This left my hands and nails black and dirty. Why not just use paper towels? Nope, newspaper it was, so the job was his! For years Windex was his product of choice, until Gregger discovered the ultimate Cinch.  cinch

You would have thought this was the end-all of all products on the market. We had at least five to six bottles on stock at a time in our house, and, seriously, our windows, mirrors, and glass did NOT get THAT dirty! All was good with the cleaning world as long as Gregger had his Cinch. It pretty much worked on everything, and our house was Cinched clean. Then the dreaded day came when we had to restock and the store shelves were EMPTY. Not a bottle of Cinch in sight.  I scrounged this valley in search of that ludicrous cleaner – from Safeway, Fry’s, and Albertson’s to Target, WalMart, Home Depot and any other store that may carry cleaner. I googled it, searched Amazon, and drove myself crazy. I had to break the news. Cinch was clearly off the market. Gregger was devastated. He tried brand after brand but continued to mourn his Cinch. I think he finally settled with some Costco brand glass cleaner that was satisfactory enough to suffice his needs. Either that or window cleaning had finally taken a much lower rank on his priority pole.

the-simple-things-in-life-seems-more-meaningful-now-quote-1Now, my world is just fine without Cinch, but imagine my exhilaration when I saw this big red bottle with that inscription on the store shelf the other day. I wanted to pick up my phone and call to the heavens, “Hey Gregger…CINCH is back! All is good and clean with the world!” I just grinned. It was one of those silly moments that would have made him so happy. He didn’t care about expensive presents, fancy dinners, or flashy things, but if I had brought home a case of Cinch, he would have grinned from ear to ear. I can see it, I can feel it, and I know he’s smiling now. Sometimes it’s the little things that bring us joy, give us hope, and help us make it through another day.

moment of gratitude

An Attitude of Gratitude

blessing“The more you recognize and express gratitude for the things you have, the more things you will have to express gratitude for.” The million dollar question these days is, “How do you make it through each day?” The million dollar answer…I count my blessings. I am grateful for the beautiful life I had with Gregger, for the memories, and the family we created together. I am grateful for the strength he gave me to move forward. Gratitude truly unlocks so many treasures. It allows sadness to melt away. It forges its way to forgiveness. It creates a sense of well-being. It makes simple seem abundant.

gratitude (1)It took me a long time to have an attitude of gratitude. Basically, I was a little bit of a “downer.” I thought the world was against me. I think I had a fairly negative outlook on life. Even if things were going well, I was waiting for the ball to drop. I didn’t know how to enjoy the “ups” because I was too busy anticipating the coming of the “downs.” Gregger was different. He was the “up” guy. He didn’t get my negativity. While he wasn’t all sunshine, roses, and lollipops, he smiled through the tough stuff and knew something better was on the other side. I would go to sleep at night and tell myself, “I am going to wake up in the morning and be positive. I am going to be grateful and happy.” It didn’t work that way. It wasn’t in my soul. Not yet.

yoga (2)About 10 years ago I made a significant change in my life. I retired from the fitness industry after 17 years. My body had taken a pretty good pounding after teaching 10-15 classes a week of old school high impact and step aerobics. I needed something different. My mom had tried to convince me to give yoga a whirl, but I wasn’t ready for something so “slow” and, quite frankly, boring. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. It just seemed too quiet, monotonous, no sweat, no pain, and a waste of my time. But I needed something NEW. One day, on a whim, I dropped into a free hot yoga class. I was a bit intimidated, but decided it was worth a second shot. The challenges were unfamiliar but fresh and inspiring.  Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I had to focus. I had to stare face to face in the mirror, accept “me” whether I balanced, faltered, or fell flat on my face. Several classes in and I was hooked. At first it was about the positions. Being the “perfectionist” I am, I challenged myself to get them right. Over and over again and again. I took class after class, sweating like a pig, challenging my body to hold without wavering, bend to the max. I knew I could do it. Somedays were better than others. It was all about focus and mind games. When it came time for savasana (corpse pose) I did not know how to surrender.  What did I need at the grocery store? What was I going to make for dinner? What errands did I need to get done? My mind was everywhere but in the present moment.  Blank. Empty. Surrendered. And then I began to listen.

yoga (3)I had spent so much of my life looking outside of myself to be happy. I always believed that other people and things would provide fulfillment. But what I was missing was that the happiness needed to come from within. I was so busy “doing” that I wasn’t just being. The peace and silence made me “aware” for the first time. I saw the beautiful blessings in my life. I felt happiness and joy within because I was grateful. Grateful for life, my family, friends, and every blessed day. Yoga became so much more than poses in a hot room. I can’t even physically practice anymore due to unfortunate back surgery. But I still practice yoga everyday. I do yoga when I’m walking. I do yoga when I’m having a difficult moment. I do yoga when I feel the need to reconnect with myself. I breathe. I feel grateful. I recognize my blessings.

This past year has given me a greater appreciation for my blessings. I wake up each day grateful for what I have, what I had, and what the day may bring. Even the crappiest days (and there are many) have “light.” I can take a breath. I can open my eyes. I can see what is right in front of me. I can feel blessed. I can be grateful. I can be happy in the worst of times because life itself is a gift. Thank you yoga for opening my eyes, for allowing me to find peace and happiness within. So the million dollar question, “How do you make it through each day?” I breathe. I count my blessings. And I am grateful.

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Thanks for the Memories

Thanks for the Memories

facebook logoI just wanted to send a “shout out” to Facebook. I look so forward to my memory notifications every day. What was I doing last year? 2 years ago? 5 years ago?  A few days ago those memories brought Gregger to life. I saw him smile, laugh, and dance like the crazy guy he was. Merely 2 years ago Gregger and I were dancing our hearts out in the middle of Ashley and Tyler’s living room to some silly dance video game. We were making fools of ourselves in the grandest way, but why not! It was a room filled with laughter, joy, and an abundance of love. Neither of us got it, but we were game. Anything for a good laugh, especially when spending time with the kids. Special times. Cherished memories.  Today I saved that memory. I can replay it when I need to hear Gregger’s voice, his chuckle, or watch his goofy dance moves. What a gift.  image

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Gregger had a love/hate relationship with Facebook. We used to banter because he was so socially awkward. On one hand he was the nosiest guy. Deep down he WANTED to know, but he wouldn’t admit his deep-seated curiousity. He believed it was diminishing his manhood in some way to commit to the Facebook frenzy. He would constantly peak over my shoulder to see what was happening with who. “Who is that?” “What did they say?” I would get incredibly frustrated by his invasion of MY privacy. Get your own account for goodness sake! If you want the info, hook up! I, or really we, finally convinced him it was a sound business decision to be Facebook friendly. He conceded. The Clotherie was the first to sign. Slowly he saw the benefits and decided it was time to connect with the world. Convincing him to accept people as friends was a whole new issue. He didn’t grasp the concept that he didn’t have to converse with everyone on a daily basis. This was so contrary to his personable nature! Gregger was the NICEST GUY you would ever meet. The guy who sent a birthday card to EVERYONE! The guy who was so connected to his phone that I couldn’t get him to disconnect at night, on weekends, or times we went away. He LOVED PEOPLE! But he was intimidated by this social networking giant. He was proud of every technological advancement he made but he deemed this insipid, trivial, and totally unproductive!

memories 2I can’t say Gregger ever developed a genuine love for social media, but he was hooked in his rudimentary way. He checked in every now and then. He’d complain. But he loved the gossip, the pics, and the news. I knew. It made him laugh. It made him smile. And he learned to LIKE IT with a THUMBS UP!

If Gregger only knew what Facebook has given me now that he’s gone  – oodles of memories that capture the spirit of his presence. I am grateful. I love Facebook. I am hooked. I love feeling connected to the past and present. Thanks for the memories. What a true blessing!

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gregger got his groove

Gregger Finally Got his Groove On

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This is a tough week. Countless recollections of the ultimate joy in “our” life. Reflecting on best-ever moments filled with love, family, friends, celebration, and LIFE. Gregger was in his glory. But the best memory of all…

Gregger had two left feet…he was dashing, savvy, and charming as could be, but a dancer he was not!  God love the guy…he was great at just about everything but he didn’t have a dancing bone in his body! We would get out on the dance floor and shake our groove thing, but he kind of just rocked side to side, arms shaking to and fro. He’d just smile that twinkling smile, keep on rockin’ as I twisted, twirled, schimmied, and shaked my body away. I don’t think his feet moved from one spot. Needless to say, dancing was a challenge.

imageFast forward to April 2012…Ashley and Tyler announce their  engagement. The Gregger makes an even bigger announcement to me…he wants to take dance lessons so he can do a special dance with his daughter at her wedding. I’m thinking…this is a guy who can’t pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time. We might need more than a year to get the job done. But I keep my mouth shut..I cannot burst his dream. I start searching. We actually go to Arthur Murray…OMG! What a nightmare…what a joke! They want thousands of dollars, a signed contract, and social dancing. He barely has time to breathe much less time for social dancing – not going to happen. To the rescue…our Lisa (a new employee who happens to be a ballroom dancer…what are the chances?). While Ashley learns by face-time and remote, I am the stand-in…it’s quite a production but they get the job done. The Gregger practices religiously morning and night determined to make his daughter proud.

imageMay 18th, 2014…the wedding. Magical, romantic, beautiful, every girl’s dream…but, most of all her daddy’s dream too. His dream to walk his little girl down the aisle to HER prince charming…the man he would trust to take care of his “baby” for the rest of her life…to love, honor and cherish. And he walked gallantly, because he knew, because he trusted. And then it was time…time to twirl his “baby” on that lighted dance floor. Time for the spotlight…two minutes just daddy and daughter.  Two minutes where he no longer rocked but he swayed, sashayed, and shimmied across that dance floor, guiding his princess in all of his glory. It was “their” shining moment…that daddy-daughter moment in time that you want to freeze-frame forever. He relived that moment over and over again, as will I through pictures and videos. Gregger finally got his groove on…he saved the best for last. He saved the best for his baby. It was his glory day. There will never be a shimmy like a Gregger shimmy! When we hear a little thunder now and then, it just might be Gregger getting his shimmy on! Or at least I’d like to think so! Shake it baby, shake it!

Happy 2nd Anniversary to my baby girl and her prince! May your fairtyale continue forever…

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Life Change

Change

choices and change2My life these past 8 1/2 months has been all about change. As we live our life we go through so many changes. We grow, we marry, we have children, and then we are alone again. We are constantly changing, constantly growing, learning, evolving. Staying stagnant does not seem to be an option. It seems boring and useless. So we keep moving. We keep changing. But death is the ultimate change. It changes the lives of so many people. It’s not just about the one who died, but those left behind. I am no longer a wife. I am now a widow. I no longer focus my energy on making someone else happy. He is no longer here. My days and nights change, my relationships change.

embrace-by-linda-wood (1)I have two choices. I can fight the change or embrace it. I choose to embrace it. There are times the change makes me angry, sad and frustrated. I’m angry Gregger’s not here. I’m frustrated I have to deal with these people and tedious tasks I don’t understand. I want to walk away. But I can’t. But then I know I am taking control. I am doing something. And that gives me a sense of power.

“Every moment that changes your life changes who you are.”

I resisted change. I was such a creature of habit, even a little OCD. It drove Gregger crazy. I loved routine. I woke up at the same time. I followed the same patterns. I was not good at spontaneity. I ate the same foods – EVERY DAY! I was boring. He was a routine guy too, but he could change things up a little better than me. He could NOT and would NOT break his morning pattern. Bike with sports page, read rest of paper with first cup of coffee, shower with second cup of coffee, dress and breakfast (yes, simultaneously), and gone! But throw a curve ball for some fun social action and he was far more game than me. I needed notice, mental prep time. Call me strange, but it’s one of my quirks.

every day 2Six years ago I wrote on my timeline, “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in everyday.” I believe that is part of my change. It is about finding the good. Losing my best friend has given me a greater awareness for the beauty, the love, and the life that surrounds me. I made a HUGE change several days ago. I moved from my home to a new city. It may not be a permanent move right now, but it’s for a long enough period of time that I have to figure things out. Not everything went as perfectly as planned. But it’s okay. I’ve got a new place and I am looking on each day as a new adventure. What will Lucy and I discover today? We will venture out into unknown territory. Maybe we will find our new Starbucks, talk to a stranger, or simply hang out in the beautiful weather together. It’s okay. I will embrace the change one day at a time for whatever it brings me. These are a few of my welcomed, yet unexpected changes:

1. No cable, TV, or internet as scheduled for 2 days…completely disconnected makes me focus on me. I thought I would freak without noise, but instead I savored the silence. I survived.

2. Small space. Kind of cool. Everything fit. Less mess, less cleaning. Can’t complain.

3. Unknown territory. Thank goodness for navigation system. It works. It got me where I needed to go. Again, I survived.

4. No yard for Lucy. We walk. Great for for her, better for me. Win-win!

5. Living on the second floor. Climbing stairs. Lugging groceries. Lots of bags. Great exercise!

6. Cool weather. No complaints! Sweatshirt on and I’m ready to roll. Love it!

new lifeWhile it felt like life was ending, this is a beginning. My first beginning in 40 years. This is truly the first time I have EVER been on my own. Talk about change! Talk about learning! Talk about growing! I will embrace this and see where the journey takes me. I will forever be grateful to Gregger for giving me the strength to stand on my own two feet. I am no longer the little girl he married 39 years ago. Thank you Gregger for guiding me with your love and wisdom to become strong and independent. It was your greatest gift to me today. I love you now and forever.

 

And So The Adventure Begins

And So The Adventure Begins…


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I’ve moved three significant times in my life. Three moves, three disparate emotions; freaky scary, ebulliently joyful, melancholy and skeptical, yet crazy and venturous. The first time was terrifying, lonely, and challenging in immeasurable ways. I was merely eight years old. I was moving from my childhoom home to a brand new city, starting out in a new school in the middle of the school year. I was leaving my friends behind. I didn’t know a soul. I walked into my new classroom the first day and had to take a test, not knowing the material. I was a straight “A” student and failed. I was devastated. I thought the world had come to an end. I did not think I would survive. Eventually I did. I made friends. I never failed another test. And in a short while I loved my new home.

I left several times for college, but they were never permanent moves. Not until I met the Gregger. After a whirlwind romance at Arizona State University and a wedding in St. Louis, we packed our bags for the Cornhusker State. Gregger was off to work with his dad at their family business (Marcus Department Store) in Council Bluffs, Iowa while I finished up my special ed degree at University of Nebraska-Omaha. Moving as a new bride was wondrous and overwhelming all in one breath. I was setting up “our” new home in a new city. I had “his” family but no friends. Gregger’s roots were in C.B. so he felt quite at home there. We were kind of “playing house” until we realized we were never going to be able to make this our “home.” After a spring vacation to Tempe, and a wild ride trip with our college friends, we ached to be back in Arizona. We were young, carefree, and figured this was the time of our life to go. But Gregger had to break the news to his parents, most of all his dad. This was not his nature to let anyone down. Lucky for us, his parents supported our decision and off we went. No home, no jobs, no place for the movers to even deliver our furniture. But it was exhilarating! I knew it was the adventure of our lifetime.  arizona

Obviously moving to Arizona was the BEST move we ever made! Our life truly began here. This is where we built our family, our home, our dreams. We moved here 38 years ago and never looked back. We would have stayed here to celebrate our promised 75th anniversary, but…

IMG_2118So now a new adventure begins. I am packing my bags and heading to San Diego. I am packing A LOT of bags! Gregger must be roaring in laughter. Two bins shipped by FedEx, two overpacked suitcases, a large carry on, a purse, a dog, and a backpack! All of that for 2 1/2 months!   But this time I am going it alone, just Lucy and me. This feels as scary as when I was eight years old. Maybe all that “stuff” is my security blanket. I don’t have to walk into a new classroom. I don’t have to take any tests. But I am walking away from “our” life. I am walking away from the place “we” lived for 38 years. But Gregger will forever be in my heart. He will be with me wherever I go. It’s the beginning of a new journey. As I venture into unknown territory, each day will be about discovery. Discovering places, people, but most of all myself. This is the move I never wanted to make. But Gregger would want me to go. He would want me to keep “moving.” He would never want me to stop and just be. This is about life and living. I miss you Gregger. I wish you were coming with me. But I will see you in the sand, the water, the stars and the sky. And so the adventure begins…

 

Mother's Day - A True Love Fairytale

Mother’s Day

pregnantWhen I was younger people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. My answer? I wanted to be a mom. So unconventional for my time. It was the time of burning bras, Equal Rights, Gloria Steinam. It was a time when women were moving from the kitchen to the boardroom, Billy Jean King was killing it on the court, and being a “mom” was not the coolest career in town. I didn’t care. I went to college. I taught special education, an incredibly rewarding job, but, I just wanted to be a MOM!

Getting there wasn’t so easy for me. I wasn’t one of those first timers who thought about getting pregnant and, BAM, it happened. Unfortunately I was slightly cursed with endometriosis and some other delightful pelvic disorders that cramped the pregnancy process. This was extremely disheartening for one who only strived to be a MOM. My life became a series of doctor’s visits, surgeries, and overall disappointment when this endometriosis thing decided to crush my plans of becoming a mom.

Gregger was my rock through the whole process. He schlepped to doctor’s visits, he sat by my bedside during interminable hospital stays, he hugged me when another month went by and no good news. It took a strain on both of us. The temperatures, the tricks, the prayers, whatever it took, but nothing worked. We went to an adoption agency. We put our name on the list and spoke with a social worker. At the same time, we talked about fertility drugs. We had to wait until I got my next period. We waited and waited and waited. Come on! I finally had a good plan. This might actually work. We went back to the doctor and asked if there was something he could do to bring on my period. He did some blood work to make sure everything else was okay. Great! What else could be wrong? Well…only the GREATEST THING EVER! I WAS PREGNANT! This was ludicrous! We had been to the adoption agency (we were on a list); we were waiting to do fertility treatments; and now I was REALLY pregnant!

“A mother’s heart is a patchwork of love.”

I think I was the happiest pregnant person walking the face of the earth. My belly popped (very little, but to me it was huge) within two weeks. Back then we wore those hideous polyester, stretchy pants with matching tunics, not the cute stuff of today. I didn’t care. I was loud and proud, belly, butt, and all.

“Mother’s hold their child’s hand for a moment and their heart for a lifetime.”

I was about 4 months pregnant for my first Mother’s Day. It wasn’t quite official yet, but official enough for me. That baby was in my belly and I was going to be a mom. We hadn’t started setting up the nursery (4 months seemed a bit premature) but Gregger surprised me with my dream mama’s gift…a cane rocking chair. Looking back it was really quite ugly, but I rocked all three of my kids in that chair. It moved with us five times and kept on rocking. I think a few of the canes broke here and there but we just cushioned the seat and a-rocking we did go. That chair saved me many a night when someone was crying, sick or hungry. I read countless fairytales, sang untold nursery rhymes, and rocked ’til my bottom was numb. But those were some of my most cherished moments. Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday that I was rocking my #1 baby to sleep and now he has two babies of his own.  rocking chair

Mother’s Day will be different this year. My kids will make it special just because we will be together. Nothing fancy.  No brunches or dinners. Just time together. We’ve all learned the value of a moment. We will miss Gregger. But somehow he will be right there with us as he always was and always will be. Thanks to Gregger I was lucky enough to become a mom three times! And one blessed mom I am!

“Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers and sisters, aunts and cousins, comrades and friends but only one mother in the whole world.”

Happy Mother’s Day to All!

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Over The Rainbow

The Rainbow

believeI love to walk. I walk for miles convening with nature, lost in the moments, the memories, and the music. I find peace in the silence. I find solace in the solitude. Sometimes. Other times I feel lonely because Gregger is not there to walk beside me. I drown out the loneliness in the music. What should I listen to? R & B love songs of yesterday, Broadway shows we loved, or pop hits that put a bounce in my step? Whatever I choose the words will evoke endless emotions, some happy, some sad; tears flow nonetheless. There is something about the music. It just gets me in the gut. But one particular song opens the flood gates every time. Because I know Gregger is sending me a message, a hug from heaven, just when I need it most. I feel him, I see him, I know he is with  me.

The story goes back to the beaches of Maui, right after Gregger passed. Ashley, Tyler and I were discussing a difficult decision regarding the wedding of their dear friends, Erin and Michael. I insisted that they both move forward with their plans to be in the wedding (as Gregger would have wanted). Michael and Erin wanted them to choose a special song to be played in honor of Gregger, a beautiful gesture of love. We immediately chose “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” the  Israel Kamakawiwo’ole version.  As we walked down to the beach we heard music playing. There was no sound system, no boom box, nothing in sight. All we could hear were the sounds of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” We stopped dead in our tracks. We looked to the heavens. We cried. Where was this coming from? How did he know? This was only the first time.

rainbowTwo days later we were unsettingly leaving the island. While we anticipated problems at the airport, they were made aware of our situation in advance and treated us with kindness and respect. Ryan and Tyler went ahead to the gate, while Ashley and I hung back to grab our much-needed Starbucks. Originally we were not all going to be able to sit together on this long, treacherous ride home. By the time Ashley and I reached the gate the situation had been resolved. As we were standing in line, Ashley tapped me and pointed upward. She said, “Do you hear it?” He was there with us…again. It was playing. “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.” He was telling us goodbye.

We were only home a day before we had to make the difficult trip to The Clotherie. Standing outside we all broke down in tears. Walking into that store without the Gregger just didn’t seem fair or right. We didn’t think we could do it. We walked in together, made it to Gregger’s office and collapsed in his chair. The room felt empty and dark. The store was still, melancholy. The downcast faces and somber moods were not the boost we needed. Before leaving we stood behind the cash counter trying to visualize Gregger in his glory. And there he was. It was playing, again. “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” The same version. The one we had chosen. Our rainbow song. Our Gregger song. He was telling us he was okay. He was there with us. We smiled. We cried. And then we knew we were okay to leave. What a moment.

rainbow2Several months later I was in negotiations to sell The Clotherie. Needless to say this was a difficult and emotional decision. This was not just about selling a business, but selling part of The Gregger. It was selling our life. It was selling the life we had built together for over 35 years. It was letting go of everything Gregger believed in, his life’s passion. But it was what I had to do. I was not The Gregger. I was not The Clotherie. It was Christmas time so Adam and I met at a Starbucks to discuss the negotiations. Christmas music was streaming overhead – “Jingle Bells,” “White Christmas,” “Silent Night,” “Sleigh Ride.” The tiresome sounds after two months were numbing at this point. In the midst of our stressful conversation the melodies changed gears. This could not be happening. I looked at Adam and tears were streaming down my face. He peered back at me and asked if I was okay. “Yes. You may not understand, but your dad is telling me that what we are doing is okay. This is his song. It is Christmas. They are only playing Christmas music. But in the midst of all of this, suddenly his song is playing. It is his sign.” At that moment I think even Adam believed. “Somewhere over the rainbow,” Gregger was telling me we were doing the right thing. We were making the right decision. And then the Christmas music played on.

Some days I pray to hear my “rainbow” song. But it doesn’t work that way. I have to wait. It will come. I want to feel his presence. I want to know he is okay. And when it plays, I will know it is a hug from heaven where bluebirds fly, troubles melt, and dreams really do come true.

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