Author: Mikki Eveloff

I am certainly no princess, but I did marry my Prince Charming. We had the once upon a time and the “almost” happily ever after until August 30th, 2014 when my Prince Gregger died tragically on the beach in Maui. I believe in fairytales. I believe in fate. I believe that “everything happens for a reason.” We planned a lifetime together…75 years to be exact. Someone or something changed our plans and gave us a new “ever after.” So here I am. I am still a wife, but now they call me a widow. I am a mom and grandma…three children, two in-laws, and two grandchildren. Life has changed and it’s time to move forward. It doesn’t stop, it keeps on going, so I do too. It’s my choice. Be happy, be grateful. It’s the only choice. I have a treasure trove of memories to share..it’s how I keep the happily ever after alive. A True Love Fairytale is 40 years of memories…it’s the essence of our happily ever after. It’s the imperfections of our perfect marriage. And it’s what makes today beautiful.
orange theory fitness

Falling in Love Again…Not with a Who, but a What!

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

beach 2 (1)I have fallen in love again. Not with a who, but a what! San Diego. I have truly fallen in love with this city. The beauty, the charm, the weather, the people! June 11th marked my one-month anniversary. I may have given some the impression that I was unhappy, melancholy, lonely. No. I LOVE it here. As I’ve said before,”Some days just really SUCK! But bad days don’t last forever. They make the good ones seem GREAT!” For every bad day, I have six good ones. I’d say that’s a winning record, so I’ll keep going in that direction. I’ve met some wackos, but I’ve met some amazing people. Nice people. Kind people. Generous people. The kind of people who put their hands and hearts out for strangers and welcome them to a new city.

strength 2Truth be told, I don’t miss the scorching temps of Arizona summer heat! Don’t get me wrong. I love Phoenix/Scottsdale! We fell in love in Tempe, raised a family in Scottsdale, and grew a business in Phoenix. What is there not to love? 40 years of awesomeness! But without Gregger, it was lonely. People ask me, “Why San Diego?” It must be because my kids live here. NO! Actually, we have yet to spend a day together. Ashley landed a new job and is slammed. They have their own lives. I have to make my own too.

treadmillI was lucky enough to walk back into a place I have always called “home.” It’s a place that would be “home” in any city, but here, it has made my life easy. There’s no better way to kick start my mornings. PO-WER WORK-OUT! The BEST workout in the U-S of A! No, I don’t work for the company, nor do I get paid for promotions. I simply LOVE the way this place embraces every person who walks in their doors. It’s like hanging with BEST friends on a daily basis. From desk to trainers to work-out cronies. I felt welcome from day one over 3 1/2 years ago, and I feel just as welcome today. I knew when I moved to San Diego that this would be my base. A welcoming place. A social place. A friendly place. I knew I could walk in the doors and be okay with all the other crap going on in my life. No one knew my story. I could choose to tell or not to tell. I could just be me. Whatever “me” I chose to be. The first few days I stood with my head low, waiting for class to start. Walls were up. I was closed off. But slowly those walls broke down, and in a matter of days I was meeting the kindest people. Loving, good-hearted, welcoming people. It’s just that kind of place.

weightsToday, as any other day, I couldn’t wait to get to my “happy place.” I couldn’t wait to get my butt kicked. Sweat. Feel good. I was rockin’ it on the treadmill. Run to row. Squat presses and back again. Killer workout. And then the music changed. “Happy.” Gregger’s song. I was pumping it out and suddenly my heart pounded out of my chest. Tears welled up in my eyes. I was smiling and tearing all at once. My heart was beating. I could feel him pushing me. And I could see his smile. That’s the Gregger song. That’s the “Happy” song. Infectious happiness that makes you smile. Ultimate Gregger. Reminding me to be happy, smile, and keep on pushing. It was one of those weird moments. But they happen. They will always happen. But I was in my happy place. Hearing my “happy” song.

OTF-LogoSo I’ll continue to go back to my happy place. And what is this place? ORANGETHEORY FITNESS!  I’ll get my butt kicked. I’ll sweat. But I’ll smile. Feel good. OT is about one step at a time. One minute, 30 seconds. The base, the push, the all-out. LIFE. On my tough days, I use the OT approach. Bad day? Dig deep for one minute, one hour, one day, one week. Push through, all out effort and I’m stronger the next time I get knocked on my butt. Focus on what’s in front of me. The moment. The now. Every day I grow a little stronger, physically and emotionally. More self-confident. More powerful. More in control of my life. More in control of “me.” More patient. I meet new people. But more than that, I leave feeling good from the inside out. What a great way to start the day! After that, it’s all uphill!

So thanks, San Diego. Thanks, OT. Thanks for helping me fall in love again. Not with a who, but a WHAT! It’s a start and it feels darn good!

strength

At Least We Had Paris

At Least We Had Paris

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

DSC_0321I am so sad. I just read that Paris is not only banishing the tradition of “Love Locks” on the famed Pont des Arts, but removing the ones already blanketing the bridge. Gregger and I left our mark there September 2013. We promised to go back one day. We marked the spot. We took pictures. We knew just where our love lock, inscribed with our initials, remained, bearing our eternal love for one another.  DSC_0322

Apparently the locks have become a safety hazard. City hall workers will begin removing the locks to prevent the bridge from caving. I get that. But it’s like another piece of our hearts is being tossed away. Paris was our last “alone” trip together. We dreamed about that trip for so long. It was a HUGE deal for Gregger to take time off in the fall. New, exciting merchandise. Clients back in town after a long, hot summer. Push time. We vacationed in July or August when it was quiet. Gregger never wanted to miss anything or anybody. After 40 years together, I got it. So this was something special. Not just Paris, but Gregger in September!

Two weeks before our grand trip, I blew out my back. BAD! I couldn’t walk. There was no way in hell I was canceling this trip. Gregger thought we should postpone, but I was not giving up this opportunity. I chose to get poked, prodded and numbed with an epidural. It wasn’t perfect, but I was ready to rock and roll. I endured a thirteen-hour plane ride. I passed the first test. And then we were off and running. Using Fodor’s guide to Paris, we mapped out our daily plan. With only four days to cover this magnificent city, we had to be efficient.  And efficient we were. From the moment we landed, we trekked our way through the city, savoring every awesome sight. It was an amazing trip jam-packed with so many incredible memories. Paris was everything we dreamed it would be and more. We not only soaked up every ounce of history and culture, but treasured the romantic ambiance. It was exhilarating, breathtaking, and awe-inspiring!

DSC_0493We were staying smack in the middle of the Champs-Elysees, a few paces from the Arc de Triomphe. Stepping onto our balcony we could circle around to have a birds-eye view of the Eiffel Tower and Sacred Heart Basilica of Montmartre in one swoop. Gregger enjoyed the chill morning air with his Starbucks in hand (yes, Starbucks!) as I readied for the day. Paris was good for him. He chilled. It was good for us. We were grateful. Grateful for each other. Grateful for time. We traipsed our way from Place de la Concorde to Notre Dame Cathedral, crossing the Pont Saint-Louis bridge to sip wine on the sublime streets of Ile Saint-Louis. We got up close and personal with Mona Lisa, Venus de Milo, and masterpieces by the likes of Monet, Van Gogh, Degas, and Gaugin. Magical. Dreamy. Unreal. We climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe. Gregger tried to stop me. He didn’t think my back could take it. Nothing could stop me. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Let’s go. So go we did. We took a sunset cruise on the Seine. Magnificent. Breathtaking. The city of lights. We hunted the Marais for hours, searching for the ultimate falafel at L’As Du Fallafel. Our feet were numb and blistered, but Gregger got his falafel – belly full, happy man. Museums, gardens, palaces, and more – endless moments marking memories for a lifetime.DSC_0354

DSC_0352Every afternoon at 3 we stopped at an outdoor cafe. Our time. Quiet time. Gregger indulged in French onion soup, a beer. I delighted in berries, some French wine. One afternoon we struck up a conversation with our neighboring table. We exchanged pleasantries. Where are you from? What do you do? It turned out their brother-in-law lived a few streets away from us in Scottsdale and their nephew went to the same high school as Ashley! Of course, Gregger knew where they lived, people who lived by them, yada, yada, yada. The conversation was crazy. They were coming to Scottsdale. They would stop in the store and shop. And here we were on the streets of Paris. Crazy! But so much fun. Life. All part of the journey.

So Paris was full of beautiful memories. Our last special trip together. Before Hawaii. Our lock is still there, along with nearly one million others. I believe our solid love will ALWAYS be there. That can never be taken away. So while it’s sad the locks are coming down, “LOVE is everlasting; infinite. It has no boundaries and no barriers. Love, is just like the universe, forever.”  DSC_0451

A San Diego State of Mind

A San Diego State of Mind

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

IMG_1389After spending a low-key weekend chilling by the pool, I had a jillion emotions running through me. I was trying to relax, but my insides were stirring like an erupting volcano. I felt guilty. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be living like I’m on vacation. Alone. It wasn’t right. I have been in San Diego for almost a month now. I’ve been pretending it’s okay. Sometimes it is. I’ve met some wonderful people. But there is a huge empty hole. It’s just weird. There is no other way to describe it. It comes and goes in waves. One minute life seems almost normal. Well, a “new” normal. The next, it’s not. I try to establish a routine. I rise and shine at the same time each morn. I walk Lucy. I savor my cup of joe, scan email, scour social media. I workout. People! Social time. Talking. For a few minutes before class. And then it’s over. Time to sweat. And then people are on their way. Onto their lives. Busy. Kids. Husbands. Work.  I stop at the store for nothing better to do. Sprouts, Vons, Walgreens. Anywhere. It’s a time excuse. I must need SOMETHING. Back home. Lucy greets me with such unconditional love. Wet kisses, yaps, and more kisses. We walk, she pees, we go home. Now, what? It’s only noon. What do we do to fill our day?  Some days we go to Starbucks. I sit and write. She snuggles under the table on her favorite Santa hat, gnawing on a bone, and watches people.

Dogs Talking about Dog ParkAfternoons. We discovered the dog park. What a fun adventure. Not so much for me. Fun for Lucy. I watch. I smile. I find joy. She prances. She plays. She comes back to see where I am. Then she’s off again. All the dogs are bigger than her. She doesn’t care. She thinks she’s bigger than they are. I share small talk with some of the dog owners. What kind of dog is that? A teacup yorkie. What kind is yours? How old is she? Just 11 months. Oh,  she’s still a puppy. Yes, but she’ll stay that small. The banter is always the same. And then they move on.

CHANGE QUOTEThis weekend I was at the pool for two days. I thought it might be an opportunity to meet people in the complex. Interesting. I saw some of the same people. Silence. Eyes averted. Okay. I get it. No conversation. Except for one older woman. Maybe that is being a bit judgemental. She was probably my age. Who knows? She sat on the edge of the pool, dangling her toes. I went to dip. She started chatting. Actually complaining, whining. “The pool is too cold. They never warm it. I’ve been living here for 4 years. They say it’s going to be 80 degrees and this is no 80 degrees. I’ve complained for 4 years and they do nothing. I tell other people to complain, but no one complains. My husband complains, but they do nothing.” Okay. Nice conversation. It gets better. She tells me they moved because they lost their beautiful house. Her husband screwed up. He lost everything. She was mad at him. At some point, it comes up in the convo that I’m new in the area. Why? I recently lost my husband and I’m looking to make a move. “I almost lost my husband. He almost died. But he didn’t. I don’t know why. But he didn’t. He lived.” Okay. You are lucky. “Well. Sometimes. I realized he does a lot of things around the house. And sometimes it’s really quiet when he’s not there.” By that point, I wanted to walk away but was trying to be polite. I quietly mentioned that I just wished my hubby was there to be with me. We were best friends and spent a lot of time together. She didn’t get it. She just rambled on about her sister and her husband. Her sister couldn’t wait to be alone. Lovely! Just the words a widow is longing to hear. My phone started buzzing. Saved by the bell!

life (1)So as I lay on my lounge, trying to relax in the sunshine, I felt empty. I wanted Gregger to be there. I shouldn’t be in this place alone. But I don’t want to be home either. So it’s limbo land. It was just one of those days. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll meet different people. I’ll have better conversations. I’ll fill the void. But I can’t help thinking that WE should be here, not just ME. I’ll get over that hurdle too. It’s just a little bump in the road before I’m back on smooth ground.

 

Why He Loved His Lucy

Why He Loved His Lucy

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

lucyFor years, Gregger called me his “Lucy.”  While I was no blazing redhead, I certainly matched her wacky naiveté. I don’t think I always had my head in the clouds. I want to believe I had a pretty good head on my shoulders. As a first born I was organized to a fault, obsessively disciplined, and crazy cautious. I was focused, determined, had my eye on the ball. I was in control and fairly self-controlled (although my kids might beg to differ on that one!). I think all hell broke loose when my three kids entered three different schools with multiple activities. Maybe juggling all those school, sports, dance, and social events juggled a few of my brain cells. I’m not sure. But somewhere in those years I got a little loopy.

Around the same time frame, I developed a severe “I Love Lucy” obsession. I’m not sure why or where, but I LOVED LUCY! I watched every rerun, over and over. I’d wake up early in the morning or stay up late at night to catch my favorite episodes on Nick at Nite or Hallmark. I collected every piece of memorabilia from cookie jars, dolls, coffee mugs, and lamps to coasters, magnets, and one of the ugliest purses you’ve ever seen! Holidays were great for my kids. Get mom something with LUCY! So my collection grew until I had no room left for LUCY in my life. Now Lucy is neatly tucked away under bathroom cabinets, in hallway closets, and, as unfortunate as it sounds, buried in the garage. I still love LUCY, but my obsession is a bit more grounded. As much as I hate to admit it, I still watch reruns every morning at 5:00 am. She makes me smile. She makes me laugh. She reminds me of the lighter side of life. And she reminds me of the great love between husband, wife, and friends.

I was Gregger’s kooky sidekick. His Lucy. He responded to my quirky behavior with an emphatic “L-U-C-Y! You got some ‘splainin’ to do!” And most of the time I did. It was his way of diverting anger. I could deal with that. And most of the time I had some “splainin” to do. lucy 3

  • Before the days of debit cards, I wrote checks everywhere. We didn’t adopt the “card” for a long time. Gregger was a cash and carry kind of guy. He forgot to give me cash one day, so I carried the checkbook with me, wrote a check for the groceries and came home. Later that night he was preparing to pay bills and asked for the checkbook. I knew I had used it at the grocery store that day. I remembered carrying it home. I thought it was in my purse. Nope. I looked in the car. Nope. I searched every grocery bag. I went so far as to dig through the trash. UGH! I knew I had that damn checkbook! So while I was searching and searching, Gregger was screaming…L-U-C-Y!!!! You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!!! And I certainly did! He was not a happy camper. I decided to start dinner and recommence my search after filling everyone’s stomachs. As I went to the outside freezer to grab something, sitting on the shelf was my CHECKBOOK! I ran into the house, checkbook in hand, screaming, “I told you so.” Why not put the checkbook in the freezer? Isn’t that where everyone keeps it? Well, I didn’t really know how to “splain” that one, but at least it was resolved.
  • The next time I experienced a “Lucy” I was alone. It was a beautiful day in Scottsdale. I was driving with my top down, sunglasses on, hair flying in the wind, headed out for some basic errands. First stop – the bank. It was a quick run-in so I popped out of my car, did what I had to do, and was back in a flash. Checking for lipstick on the teeth or something else amiss, I pulled down my visor mirror. I was horrified to see that I had walked into the bank with my sunglasses on (that’s not a  problem), with ONE LENS IN and ONE LENS completely MISSING!!! I had no idea I was walking around like that! Really? How could I not know! I took a selfie, sent it to Gregger and gave him a good laugh for the day!
  • I must have a problem with sunglasses because my major LUCY occurred at Starbucks one afternoon. I was having coffee with a dear friend and excused myself to use the bathroom. I hooked my sunglasses onto my shirt, went inside, “did” what I needed to do, and came back outside. I was horrified to discover my sunglasses were gone! Did I leave them on the table? Did they drop in the bathroom? These were brand new sunglasses and NOT the kind that I needed to lose! I ran back to the bathroom. I searched around the toilet, in the toilet, under the toilet, in the trash, everywhere. The sunglasses were gone, gone, gone! I went to the counter. I thought for sure someone had turned them in. No. I went back outside. I searched the ground. I was literally shaking. I asked the girl who had used the bathroom right after me if she had seen any glasses. She looked at me like I was nuts! I thought maybe she took them! I was angry. What the heck? Sunglasses don’t just disappear! I called Gregger. I told him I thought someone took my glasses. I was really reaching at that point. What should I do? Breathe. Calm down. They are just glasses. About 10 minutes later, I walked back inside to check with the manager again. I walked back to the restroom to do a once over. The bathroom was closed. Something was wrong. It was backed up. The manager was in there working on it. And guess what he found? MY SUNGLASSES! DOWN the toilet! They had fallen off my shirt, into the toilet. I had FLUSHED them! OMG! Embarrassing to the max! The ultimate of LUCYS!!! I certainly had some “splainin” to do! I think Gregger was rolling on the floor with laughter when I called him. His L–U–C–Y could have been heard across the country and rightly so! It took me a while to show my face at that Starbucks again. I’m sure they had a good laugh themselves! L-U-C-Y topped herself on that one!
  • About a week or so after Gregger died and we were settling back at home (well, as much as we could), I was pulling out of the garage. I hate parking in the smaller third car parking space but for one reason or another I had been moved into that space. Fully equipped with backup camera, beepers, lights, and everything that could prevent me from running into any walls or people, I slowly backed up. Swerving to the left I heard an unbearable CRUNCH, CRACKLE, CRUNCH and I literally screamed at the top of my lungs! This could not be happening. I had somehow jammed the front into the side of the garage so perfectly as to pull it completely to the ground! I dropped to my knees in tears. I was screaming to Gregger. Why? How could I be so stupid? I had pulled out of here for 20 years and never done anything so stupid. And then I heard his voice. “L-U-C-Y…you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!” I actually started laughing. I realized it was just a car. It could be fixed. I would get it back. It was so unimportant in the scheme of things. Let it go. And it was easy to ‘splain.’ I was distracted. I was thinking about Gregger. I had my head in the clouds. I was missing him. He would tell me it’s ok. So I had to let it go and let it be ok.

I loved being Gregger’s Lucy. If I was a little wacky, I’d rather be wacky with him. He got me. And I’m sure he’s up there saying, “Lucy…you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

lucy 2

writers block

Writer’s Block

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

DSC_0749I have had severe writer’s block the past few days. My brain feels like it is swirling. Memories going in and out, fading, fighting to come forefront. It’s an emotional turmoil of sadness, anger, frustration, and emptiness. I start writing, stumble and stop. I fight to focus. I can’t.

This started a few days ago after reading Sheryl Sandberg’s profound message on Facebook. It marked the end of her 30-day religious mourning period for her husband, Dave Goldberg. Not only could I personally relate to her story, but her words touched my soul so deeply. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to say, “I know. I feel. I understand.” People say these words. They mean well. But they don’t always get it. I really do. Unfortunately, I have really been there. I have been in those same shoes.

The outpouring of heartfelt responses was astounding. But it reminded me of the difficulty of finding a community in which to share the grief. You would think it would be simple. It is not. While a variety of grief groups are available throughout the country, finding a match is challenging. Reading Sheryl Sandberg’s words was comforting. It offered a connection, kinship. Her words touched more than 635,000 people who shared it over 271,000 times. What a gift that such sensitive words regarding death, growth, and blessings have reached so many across the world. Similar to her message, I stated in earlier posts that there is a lesson in everything. I don’t know that it is always there for us to see. I think we may have to wait to find the answers. But it is there. It is waiting for us. I am growing every day. I am learning to be alone. I am learning to let go. I am learning to be so grateful for every moment. I repeat that message over and over again, but it is worth repeating. It cannot be said enough.grief

I went back four months to reread some of my past posts. My writing has given me my own community. Whether one person or two thousand support my effort, I am grateful. It has given me strength on my weakest days. Hugs from friends and strangers arrive in the form of “likes,” “shares,” and beautiful comments and replies. They embrace me in a way that I could never express to friends, old and new. I hope Sheryl is feeling some of that love in the realization that her message touched so many people’s hearts. It is so true when she said she “lived thirty years in thirty days.” Life changes so quickly. Death forces you to change in the blink of an eye. The emptiness, the darkness is torturous. Ready or not, you go or stay stuck. As Sheryl said, she chose “life and meaning.” So did I. Gregger would not have wanted it any other way. Some days it feels like the hardest of choices, but just like the little red engine, I say, “I think I can, I KNOW I can.” In one of my first posts I wrote, “Life has changed and it’s time to move forward. It doesn’t stop, it keeps on going, so I do too. It’s my choice. Be happy, be grateful. It’s the only choice. I have a treasure trove of memories to share. It’s how I keep the happily ever after alive.”

Friends and family called, emailed, and FB messaged to share Sheryl’s link with me. “Her writings remind me of you.” “It made me think of you and the lessons you share.” “Keep inspiring others.” If my writings can inspire one or one million people to cherish the moments, be grateful for blessings, be compassionate, kind, forgive and let go, and appreciate the simple things in life, I am grateful. I have shared Gregger’s legacy. I have grown. I am heading toward my “new normal.”

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new-york-city

NYC…The City That Never Sleeps!

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

FullSizeRenderMay 30th, 2014.

NYC with the Gregger. He was on business as usual, I was on fun. But we always made time in the middle for “together time.” That was the best time. People always asked me, “Did you see this show, that show? Did you go to this museum? Restaurant?” Sometimes. But most of the time we were happy walking hand in hand down Fifth Avenue, through Central Park, or just around the city doing nothing. We’d stop for coffee, a glass of wine. We had our favorite eating hangouts. They were timeless. We were creatures of habit. Some would say we wasted our opportunities in a city like NYC, but we believed we used every opportunity we had to spend time just being. Gregger loved New York. If he had his druthers, he would have moved there. Gregger loved the hustle-bustle city life. Four days and I was cooked!

NYC 3Our first trip to NYC was magical in a unique way. I was preggers with Ashley. I was about five months along, but I was huge. My feet were swollen and busting out of my shoes. But I was determined to do New York right. Gregger did NOT believe in cabs. It was walk, walk everywhere! As much as I love to walk, my belly, butt, and feet were a bit weary after treading the streets of Manhatten. From Central Park, Radio City, Rockefeller Center to the Empire State Building, Wall Street to the World Trade Center (still standing back in 1985), Times Square, Broadway, and Soho we covered as much ground as my preggo body could tolerate. We ate our way through the city. Why not? I was eating for two! Gregger even convinced me to take a subway once and only once! I was terrified and rightly so. Heading to Soho and Greenwich we descended into the Subway. I clutched his arm, digging my nails in with fear. We boarded and the fear was overwhelming. Suddenly some bedraggled guy saunters  through and yells out, “I am not here to hurt anyone. I am not armed. I am not here to harm you in any way. I just need money.” Awesome! He proceeded to rant, walk and beg as I clawed my nails deeper into Gregger’s arm. Get me to Greenwich! It was years before I ever boarded another Subway train!  It was just one of those things.  It was all part of the magical journey.

FullSizeRender_2Gregger surprised me with a carriage ride through Central Park. It was romantic. For the first 10 minutes. And then we looked at each other and were SO over it! The horse poop smell. The slow clip-clop of the horse’s hooves on the pavement. We hugged. We snuggled. And then we were so done. We were ready for food and whatever else the night was going to bring. Been there, done that, over it.

We had so many other great trips to the Big Apple. It became familiar. Home-like. I could navigate without Gregger, without fear. I even overcame my fear of the subway. I cruised that city like a true New Yorker, straight from Bloomies to Saks to Bergdorfs. I  nailed it! Gregger loved sharing the sites of the city he loved with the kids. We ventured out to Ellis Island (in pursuit of our ancestry), the Statute of Liberty, Little Italy, Canal Street, and Chinatown. What a magnificent day! Capturing the world in one big city! We walked from Columbus Circle to South Street Seaport and back. That is one long hike. But there was no other way to soak it all it in! That was Gregger’s way!

NYCLast June was our last trip to NYC together. We stayed at our choice hotel. We had reservations at our best-loved restaurants. We cheered at happy hour. We walked in Central Park. Gregger stole Saturday for Bloody Mary’s and our day in the city. An extraordinary trip and then it was time to head back to reality. Or so we thought. After four or five hours of sitting, waiting, and drinking, the plane was grounded with mechanical problems. While my theory is always “better safe than sorry,” Gregger was slightly annoyed. I figured why not make the most of another great night together. US Airways was putting us up for the night, paying for dinner and drinks. How could we lose? Well, we could. The hotel was dirty. The food was disgusting. And we just wanted to get home! But why focus on the negative? We were together and that was really all that mattered. All in all the trip was full of magic, moments, memories.

New York will never be the same for me. I went back last January. It was cold. Freezing. Sure, it was winter. But it was colder because Gregger wasn’t there. His smile, his laugh, his infectious aura. The retail industry had their own private memorial for Gregger. It was a first. They saved it for the BEST. I’ll go back someday. But for now I’ll cherish those memories like all the others. We were lucky. We had a full life. We really got to LIVE. It was shorter than we hoped for, but what a blessing!

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Growing Through Something

Growing Through Something

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

2015-02-05 15.52.05“When you are experiencing uncomfortable circumstances you can choose your disposition about your position.  You can either say you are ‘going’ through something or  you can say you are ‘GROWING’ through something.”

The first of so many great lessons, to say I am “growing through something” EVERY DAY is a grand understatement. My eyes are wide open to the lessons in front of me. These are the BEST 25 lessons I’ve collected in the past nine months, and it’s only the beginning!   LIFE 4

  1. Some days just really SUCK! But bad days don’t last forever. They make the good ones seem GREAT.
  2. Let go of expectations. The result will ALWAYS be BETTER.
  3. Stop trying to be ok all of the time. If I feel angry, be angry. If I feel sad, cry. If I feel happy, laugh. But don’t repress emotions just to be ok.
  4. It’s okay to show a sign of weakness. I can’t always be the STRONG one. I can try, but I might not always succeed.
  5. Be honest with myself. Be honest with others. Holding back will only end up hurting one of us.
  6. Surround myself with positive people. Let go of those who do not support, share, or listen. Negativity weighs me down.
  7. Hold on tight to the BEST people in my life. Recognize the blessings and be grateful for those friends and family for they are the greatest gift.
  8. Take care of me. I’m the only one I have. (I have never been good at this. It is a real learning process.)
  9. Forgive. Let go. Forgive myself. Freedom.
  10. Follow my dreams whatever they may be. (Again, a really hard one.)
  11. Starting a new chapter doesn’t mean I am closing the last one. The words, pictures, and memories will always be there so I can turn back the page.
  12. Accept that plans change. Big life plans, small plans, any plans. It sucks, but it’s real. Acceptance and flexibility are the only roads to take.
  13. There are no mistakes if I learn and grow. (Tough, tough, tough for a perfectionist!!)
  14. There’s no such thing as “woulda, shoulda, coulda,” or the big “WHAT IF.”
  15. Don’t waste my time being upset about something I cannot change. Sometimes it just is what it is. Accept it. Or if there is room for change, start over and do it better the next time.
  16. Live so that if people were to talk about me, they couldn’t find “bad” words to say.
  17. Cherish the moments. Life is just WAY too short.
  18. Step out of my box in order to make changes. Otherwise, I just stay stuck.
  19. Communication, trust, and respect are key. Don’t shut down now.
  20. One step at a time is the only way to move forward. Not stepping at all is going nowhere.
  21. There is no timeline or deadline for healing.
  22. Smile – it feels good even when I don’t.   LIFE 5
  23. Trust my gut. I get it right every time!
  24. Follow my heart. I am the only one who has to live with my decisions.
  25. Sit back, enjoy the ride. See what life brings. It’s not what it used to be. It’s not what I planned. It’s not what I wanted. But it’s the only life I’ve got. Why not make the most of it? It’s the BEST choice I’ve got!LIFE 2

 

 

9 months

9 Months

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

10 (1)Dear Gregger,

Nine months. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but that doesn’t really apply in this case. This is not fun. Not having you here is NOT fun. I keep thinking that it’s just a bad dream and I’ll wake up to see your smiling face in the kitchen, all sweaty from your morning workout, drinking a cup of coffee, engrossed in the morning paper. But you’re not there. It’s still, silent, and empty. I want to call you and tell you things. Funny, sad, gossipy, nonsensical. I just want to talk. I miss my best friend. Nine months. I think about what you’ve missed and what’s changed. It’s crazy! Looking back we managed life as well as any bronc rider, holding on with grit,strength, courage, and patience every time something tried to “buck” us off track. I’m still holding on, but stumbling at times. Unbalanced. My other side is missing.

beachI walked along the beach today. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted you beside me so we could stroll in silence or chit chat endlessly about mundane events. I see couples everywhere. Young, old, middle-age. I’m envious. I sit at Starbucks, picturing  you  across from me, sipping your coffee. But you’re not there. Nine months. I have some crazy couple sit down and try to befriend me. I channel my Gregger. I’m friendly, social. But it’s weird and she wants to be my new best friend. She shows me pictures of her dog, trip to Greece, tells me about her divorce, and her mother who died. When I mention you, she says, “Oh honey I’m sorry, my dog just died.” Not really sure how to respond to that. I pack my bags and go home to my quiet, empty apartment. I’m starting over without you and I wish you were here, every day.

Nine months. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same.

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays keep coming. You’ve missed so many in this short nine months – Adam’s birthday, Ashley’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, our anniversary, your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Ryan’s birthday, Tyler’s birthday, Jacob’s birthday, Ashley and Tyler’s anniversary. The world keeps spinning, life goes on, although sometimes it seems it should just stop. But we always celebrated. You wouldn’t want us to stop now. So we keep on celebrating but miss your laughter.

  • I got a puppy. Oh, you’d be so mad. Another dog? I needed her. She’s my best friend. Nothing could take your place, but she’s the closest thing possible. She cuddles, kisses, and loves unconditionally. You would fight me tooth and nail, but you would LOVE her!   IMG_1337
  • I watched my first movie today. Do you remember the last movie we saw together? Me either. It was that long ago. Well, this was a start. Something new. I actually watched the WHOLE thing. I paused, stopped, talked on the phone, played on the computer, and was distracted, but I watched it.
  • “Parenthood” ended. The series. I wanted you there to watch with me, especially when Zeke died. You would have cried with me. But instead I cried alone and thought of you.
  • grey'sDerek died on Grey’s Anatomy. Can you believe they killed him off? It was the shocker of the season. Meredith seems to be stronger than me, but she’s on TV. I’m not.
  • New champs were named on Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, and The Voice. I know. You could care less! You hated reality shows. But I missed watching the finales with YOU.
  • I sold the stores. You knew that. It was hard but the right decision. I couldn’t be you. No one can be you. There will never be another Gregger. So I sold the stores and walked away. I’m sorry.
  • I painted the house. I think you would love the color. It looks awesome!
  • I fixed the garage. It wasn’t the sun rotation after all that time! Can you believe it? What was it? 2 years we agonized with that damn door! It was the spring all that time! Oh well…such is life!
  • houseI’m selling the house. We talked about this for how long? It’s just too much for me to be there without you. I see you in every room. I won’t be moving where WE wanted to move, but that’s okay too. Everything’s fixed now. And the house looks better than ever…it’s just not a home anymore. It’s a house.
  • I rented a place in San Diego…by myself. That’s huge! It’s small and simple but I’m testing out the area. There are so many memories here. Last night Lucy and I walked by the Park Hyatt Aviara. Tears streamed down my cheeks as memories flooded back from the most glorious wedding weekend EVER! Rewind please!

I’ve learned that life is one big lesson. I have opened my mind and heart. I have embraced your sweet soul, your kindness, generosity, and compassion to conquer the obstacles in my way. I have learned to release expectations. No expectations, no disappointment, no frustration, no sadness. I’ve learned to cherish the moments. Whatever they may be. Sometimes I want more, but I’ll take the moments. Because in the end, moments are all we really have. So I will cherish every one.

Nine months. It doesn’t get easier. It just gets different. But loving you and missing you will never change.

5

 

 

 

 

 

memorial day

Holiday Weekends for the Heroes

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Memorial dayMemorial Day Weekend. Lost in the shadows of barbecues, beer, and brotherhood, Memorial Day commemorates those who have given their lives for our country.  The heroes. Flags flutter in the wind, flowers grace cemeteries, store sales abound, sporting events blast the tube and government stops. It’s a time for family, friends, and community. For the fashion conscious (which runs in this family), Memorial Day marks the official acceptance of “white wear.” White clothing, white shoes. Yes, even Gregger pulled out the white jeans and bucks! We savor these three-day weekends. We plan, we party, we poop out.

For Gregger and I these holidays were simply a “day off.” For many years he closed the store. He was a rebel. He believed people deserved the day off. If it was a holiday, close the store. Everyone needed rest. He defied the rules. Then the shopping center gods stepped in. Lease rules. No overstepping the boundaries. So he did it his way. Holiday hours. He sucked it up and did what he had to do. Memorial Day was one of those holidays he passed off. I got lucky. I had him for two whole days. It was strange at times. I wasn’t used to his being home for two days straight. Most people would find that odd. But for 40 years Gregger worked six days a week. He never took extra days off. Two days in a row. That was really something! We savored those moments. But that was in the later years.

Scan 102 (1)This holiday weekend I was thinking back to days gone by. Memorial Days when Gregger and I were in our prime and the kids were blossoming and athetically active. Watching the French Open today brought back a bevvy of memories and emotions. I missed so many holidays with Gregger. I was busy traveling with the kids. Nothing extravagant or flashy. We were staying in roadside motels, driving from state to state.  The boys were competitive tennis players. It was a crazy life. Tennis never had a season. A year round activity. Year round schlepping to practice. Year round juggling homework, practice, tournaments, and social life. Year round stress.  And the big tournaments were always over holidays. From Labor Day to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, Easter to Memorial Day, they never ended. Our travel took us southwest, midwest, California. Gregger was stuck at home working his tail off to pay for all of the travel, coaches, equipment, and other paraphernalia. Each weekend Ashley lugged her backpack filled with coloring books and crayons.  Her faithful companion “Woof-Woof” tight in hand, Ashley sat silently on the sidelines. Meanwhile, I paced, gnawed my nails, clapped, and faked calmness as best I could (I completely failed!). If one or both of the boys made the finals, Gregger might hop a plane to surprise us. Or, if we were lucky enough for a Tucson destination, he would make it down for a match or two. It was a crazy life. But certainly a life none of us would change. Or maybe we would. The vote is out on that one.  ryan tennis

JFKI spent this weekend with new friends (stepped way out of my box – thanks Marcia and Geoff!), my son (who was sweet enough to drive over from AZ), and alone (learning to cope). I would much rather be chumming with my “buddy,” but he’s not here. I hope he’s enjoying his day off. He looked so forward to two days in a row. He lingered a little bit longer with his coffee. He scrolled slowly through his facebook page (but wouldn’t admit it!). He got a bit of “scruff” after not shaving for two days. He even settled back with a beer or two (maybe even a Jameson) to catch up on some TV. They were fun times. Good times. Memorable times. With the kids. When the kids were grown. So on this Memorial Day, I honor the heroes who died fighting for our country. But I honor my lost hero too. I miss you.

in a cinch

It’s a “Cinch”

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Quotation-Izabella-Scorupco-simple-happiness-Meetville-Quotes-267772

I knew I hit the jackpot with Gregger for so many reasons, but what woman wouldn’t love a man who loves to clean! This guy was great with a sponge, mop, vacuum, toilet brush, and more! But, his favorite was cleaning glass! He would clean mirrors, windows, tables, etageres, or whatever clear products he could put his hands on until there wasn’t a streak in sight. But, he had a science, and you did NOT mess with the Gregger! Always, and ONLY use newspaper…UGH! This left my hands and nails black and dirty. Why not just use paper towels? Nope, newspaper it was, so the job was his! For years Windex was his product of choice, until Gregger discovered the ultimate Cinch.  cinch

You would have thought this was the end-all of all products on the market. We had at least five to six bottles on stock at a time in our house, and, seriously, our windows, mirrors, and glass did NOT get THAT dirty! All was good with the cleaning world as long as Gregger had his Cinch. It pretty much worked on everything, and our house was Cinched clean. Then the dreaded day came when we had to restock and the store shelves were EMPTY. Not a bottle of Cinch in sight.  I scrounged this valley in search of that ludicrous cleaner – from Safeway, Fry’s, and Albertson’s to Target, WalMart, Home Depot and any other store that may carry cleaner. I googled it, searched Amazon, and drove myself crazy. I had to break the news. Cinch was clearly off the market. Gregger was devastated. He tried brand after brand but continued to mourn his Cinch. I think he finally settled with some Costco brand glass cleaner that was satisfactory enough to suffice his needs. Either that or window cleaning had finally taken a much lower rank on his priority pole.

the-simple-things-in-life-seems-more-meaningful-now-quote-1Now, my world is just fine without Cinch, but imagine my exhilaration when I saw this big red bottle with that inscription on the store shelf the other day. I wanted to pick up my phone and call to the heavens, “Hey Gregger…CINCH is back! All is good and clean with the world!” I just grinned. It was one of those silly moments that would have made him so happy. He didn’t care about expensive presents, fancy dinners, or flashy things, but if I had brought home a case of Cinch, he would have grinned from ear to ear. I can see it, I can feel it, and I know he’s smiling now. Sometimes it’s the little things that bring us joy, give us hope, and help us make it through another day.