A friend of mine posted this quote on her Facebook wall the other day. “Love the questions. Don’t search for the answers. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” It seemed so fitting. I’ve been struggling with the questions. The lessons? What am I supposed to learn? Lucy’s senseless attack. Her suffering. My pain. I struggled with this when Gregger died. I’m still questioning. I search. For answers. But nothing comes to me. Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong? It’s certainly not Lucy. She’s a helpless soul. Innocent. Of any wrongdoing. Unconditional love. I don’t want to think that way. So I look for the lesson. There must be something to learn. Since Gregger’s death I’ve learned:
- Slow down. Life goes fast enough. Cherish the moments. Loved ones.
- Don’t waste energy with anger and hatred. Forgiveness is powerful.
- I have no control over the permanence of life. Nothing is permanent as much as I may want to believe.
Struggle gives rise to strength. It’s a “sucky” way to find out how strong I am. Especially right now. But it’s true. They say that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” So every day I just pray. Get me through another day. Get Lucy through another day. Let’s fight together. And we’ll be one tough team.- I no longer take anything for granted. Especially that gift we call life. It is precious. Every. Single. Day. I wish I had learned this earlier. I wish I hadn’t just gone through the motions. Watched the clock. Checked off the calendar. I appreciated. I was grateful. But this is different. Life is truly a gift. And I am blessed to be here every day. I know that now.
- I used to hide behind walls. Glass. Fragile. You could see me. But you couldn’t touch me. Couldn’t hurt me. I would not expose myself. Bare my soul. My emotions. My experiences. My life. It was safe. But maybe this is my purpose. Maybe this is part of the lesson. Help others. Understand. Find strength. If I can bring sunshine to one cloudy day, I’ve done okay. I’ll feel good.
So I’m trying to figure out how to “live the questions.” How to just keep going in the face of adversity. Especially when I want answers. It’s not easy. I believe in fate. Things happen for a reason. But for these two events, there is no good reason. So maybe, for now, I will “live the questions.” And life will provide the best answers. I just hope in the end they are happy ones. Because I am ready for some happiness. Some smiles. Some laughter. Enough tears. Bring on the sunshine.
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