forgiveness

Forgiveness…An Act of Self-Love

forgiveness 3I was watching “Grey’s Anatomy” last night. Tearjerker. Life threatened. Heartache. And pain. Some may think it sappy. Overdone. Washed up. But the message was strong. Forgiveness. Of others. Those who hurt us. And ourselves. While Meredith was struggling to survive and overcome devastating injuries, she was faced with a greater battle. Forgive those who had beaten her. Left her. Hurt her. Anger is easier. Hate is simpler. Forgiveness is hard. But in the end, the one who doesn’t forgive is the loser. 

forgiveness 1Her beloved Derek had died last season. Unexpectedly. Before his time. Before “their” time.  She went back to life. But the anger flared. I understand. Webber advised her to forgive herself. She was angry.  At Derek. Not just for dying. But for dying too soon. Leaving her. Alone. I got it. The pain. The anger. The hurt. Tears streamed down my cheeks. It was as if he were talking to me. Through the airwaves. I am still mad at Gregger. How dare he? We had a whole life to live. Plans. Travel. A life to spend together. We were just getting started. And he cheated me. I don’t say that often. I am strong. Right? But maybe I’m not. I don’t say this often enough. And maybe I should. Maybe it’s the way to move on. Because lately, I just feel stuck. Maybe I need to forgive myself for being angry at him. For leaving me way too soon. And he did. I still go to the “what if’s.” I know I shouldn’t. But I do. What if we had gone on vacation somewhere else? What if he hadn’t gone snorkeling that day? What if I had made him walk with me on the beach instead? What if? What if? What if? I beat myself. Over and over and over again. But forgiveness is the key. I can’t go back. I know that. My brain knows that. But my heart isn’t there yet. They need to catch up. With each other.

forgivenessSo as sappy as it may be, thank you “Grey’s.” Thank you for the reminder. Forgiveness. I need to forgive, to let go. To move on. To live. Really live. Not in the past. The present. And I know that’s where Gregger would want me to be. So for today and tomorrow and I will…

  1. Release the guilt. Let it fly. It’s a heavy weight holding me down.
  2. Focus on the joy. The memories. The happy times.
  3. And recognize that letting go of hurt does not diminish my love for Gregger. Choosing to live, laugh and love again does not mean I love him any less. It may even mean I love him more. Because my heart is free. Of pain. Guilt. Anger. Hurt. Free to feel. Once again.

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

I am ready to enlarge my future. So for today, I forgive. Me.

forgiveness 2

Mikki Eveloff

I am certainly no princess, but I did marry my Prince Charming. We had the once upon a time and the “almost” happily ever after until August 30th, 2014 when my Prince Gregger died tragically on the beach in Maui. I believe in fairytales. I believe in fate. I believe that “everything happens for a reason.” We planned a lifetime together…75 years to be exact. Someone or something changed our plans and gave us a new “ever after.”

So here I am. I am still a wife, but now they call me a widow. I am a mom and grandma…three children, two in-laws, and two grandchildren. Life has changed and it’s time to move forward. It doesn’t stop, it keeps on going, so I do too. It’s my choice. Be happy, be grateful. It’s the only choice.

I have a treasure trove of memories to share..it’s how I keep the happily ever after alive. A True Love Fairytale is 40 years of memories…it’s the essence of our happily ever after. It’s the imperfections of our perfect marriage. And it’s what makes today beautiful.