Strength…The Beginning

strength 3They say “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” As much I did not want to learn this lesson, I have. From the moment I saw Gregger’s lifeless body floating in the water I realized my only choice was strength. Despite the odds. I panicked. Screamed. Stopped breathing. Sunk to the sand. But a force greater than me took over. I don’t remember how. Or when. I just remember feeling embraced with courage. An aura. I knew I had to be something “bigger” than I’d ever been before. In my life. Maybe for my kids. Maybe for everyone else. Maybe just for me. Whatever the reason. It happened.

strength 2 (1)I remember talking to the chaplain that day. I felt at peace. I was probably in shock. Disbelief. But, I believed him. I kept questioning. But, in reality, I knew what he spoke was the truth. I knew it was out of our control. I knew it was Gregger’s time. None of us wanted to believe. He was too young. Too vibrant. This couldn’t happen to such a “good” person. But it did. A “higher power” wanted him that day. And I knew it. I cried. I felt broken. I ached. I felt pain like I never felt in my entire life. But I knew. I knew what I had to do. I knew it would never be easy. I knew life would never be the same. But I knew there was a strength in me that had never been there before.

strength 1I remember waking in the middle of the night. The first night. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. I felt such a loss. A void. An emptiness. A deep, dark hole. I kept reaching, searching. But I couldn’t find my way out. I allowed myself to sob. Silently. My kids were next to me. Breathing softly. Lost in sleep. Hush my sounds. But I needed to cry. And then as the sun rose I wiped my tears and began a new day. I could carry a little more weight on my shoulders. The weight of two people. It was just me now. But I had no choice. Again, “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” Well, I was learning.

I remember talking to people. Through the airwaves. Easier. I didn’t have to see their faces. Their tears. I could hear the emotion. The choking sounds. But I could speak. I couldn’t say the “D” word. I said he was “gone.” I talked about what happened. But the “D” word was not in my vocabulary. I wasn’t there yet. It was too final. If he was “gone,” maybe he was coming back. Gone is when you go somewhere. On a trip. To the store. Not somewhere that you don’t return. So gone was okay. I could be strong with “gone.” Death was too final. Death did not exist in my world. Not yet.

To be continued…

strength 4

im-ok

I’m Okay

being okay 3I’ve had quite a few people ask me if I’m okay since my last few posts. Yes. Life is like that these days. Some are good. Some are better. Some I muddle through. Some just suck. I’m probably more honest than I should be. I just don’t how to be any other way. I never have. My emotions are raw. But exposed. I ride the waves. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, empty, melancholy. I have come a long way. I have a long way to go. I am strong. I will get stronger. This is all part of the process. It takes time. There is no timetable. I cannot hurry. I will ride the coaster. I will take the highs with the lows, the ups with the downs. I will experience everything and know it is okay. I am okay. So when I have a bad day, it is just that. A bad day. Or a bad moment. I appreciate all of the people who touch my life. Your touches embrace me. But do not worry. I am okay.

being okay 4Everyone said, “Don’t make any major changes for a year.” I didn’t listen. I’m glad. I couldn’t be that stagnant. I couldn’t just sit. And wait. How boring. I needed to start moving. Explore. Discover. And that’s what I’ve been doing. Baby steps. They feel like giant leaps. One step forward, three steps back. Two steps forward, one step back. It’s all a process. And I’m living it. But I’m learning. And growing. And changing. It’s my only choice. I can accept the sadness, frustration, anger, emptiness, and lonely moments because I know it is bringing me to a better place. A new “better.” A place of peace, contentment.

being okay (1)I’d love to know what Gregger would do. How would he handle this? What if the situation were reversed? He’d bury himself in work. He’d have a place to go. Constantly surround himself with people. Maybe that’s a good thing. He wouldn’t have time to think. Be lonely. Be sad. I’m not sure. That’s my guess. I’m so different. I’m embracing the silence. The alone time. Learning about myself. Where I need to go. What I need to do. I don’t have a choice. I guess he wouldn’t either. So I’ll continue to take each day as it comes. The good, the bad, the better, the great. I’ll keep learning. Growing. I’ll be okay. But there will be sad moments. Frustrating moments. Angry moments. They will come. They will pass. And, again, I’ll be okay.being okay