Tag: new life

So Long Scottsdale, Hello San Diego

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

sunriseSo back to the big move. This major change in my life. Humongous! We said we’d never leave Arizona. Home. And here I was driving off. Not sunset. But sunrise. Dawn. New day. Bright. Sunny. Full of promise. Beginning. Here we go. Five hours of sleep. Marriott’s shortest stay. But it was time to hit the road. “Mini angels” were raring to go. Really? Minimal sleep. Up at the crack of dawn. No caffeine. And powered with energy. Give me what they’ve got! We loaded up. Pit stop for gas. Caffeine. Little breakfast. And then it was “Farewell Phoenix.” Hasta la vista baby. As Gregger would say, “So long. Until we meet again.” Never, “goodbye.” Too final. But this was. And as we drove, the memories flooded my mind.

sunrise 3On every corner. Something. A restaurant. We loved or hated. Starbucks. Our Sunday Funday. Casino. Part of my 60th birthday celebration. Airport. Departure for cities around the world. Or return to home. Comfort. Flashes of pictures. Years streaming. Where did the time go? Where did our life go? How did this happen? And in a flash, it was gone. All that stretched before us was open land. Desert. Barren open land. A horizon of new opportunities. New life. What was I feeling? Sad? Not really. Relieved? Slightly. Overwhelmed? A little. Scared? Most definitely. But I was ready. I knew this was the right move. The right time. And certainly the right place.

sunrise 4The drive was easy. “Mama Angel” and I never stopped talking. It’s always easy between the two of us. Ask me what we talk about. I have no idea. Life. Love. Kids. Nothing. Everything. Being friends. I am lucky. She walked into my life and blessed me with a friendship that truly comes along once in a lifetime. She has held my hand when I’m ready to fall. Hugged me when I am feeling empty. And called just when I thought my world was falling apart. So the drive was easy. This was easy. I was ready.

As we drove down Melrose and headed up Rancho Santa Fe my heart started fluttering. Butterflies tumbled in my belly. I was going “home.” A home I was going to see for the very first time. But I knew it would be perfect. “Mama” and “Papa” angel had found it for me. I knew it had their blessing. I knew they would know what was right for me. And I never doubted it for one single second. When we made that final turn it all became very real.

To be continued….

sunrise 2

A San Diego State of Mind

A San Diego State of Mind

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

IMG_1389After spending a low-key weekend chilling by the pool, I had a jillion emotions running through me. I was trying to relax, but my insides were stirring like an erupting volcano. I felt guilty. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be living like I’m on vacation. Alone. It wasn’t right. I have been in San Diego for almost a month now. I’ve been pretending it’s okay. Sometimes it is. I’ve met some wonderful people. But there is a huge empty hole. It’s just weird. There is no other way to describe it. It comes and goes in waves. One minute life seems almost normal. Well, a “new” normal. The next, it’s not. I try to establish a routine. I rise and shine at the same time each morn. I walk Lucy. I savor my cup of joe, scan email, scour social media. I workout. People! Social time. Talking. For a few minutes before class. And then it’s over. Time to sweat. And then people are on their way. Onto their lives. Busy. Kids. Husbands. Work.  I stop at the store for nothing better to do. Sprouts, Vons, Walgreens. Anywhere. It’s a time excuse. I must need SOMETHING. Back home. Lucy greets me with such unconditional love. Wet kisses, yaps, and more kisses. We walk, she pees, we go home. Now, what? It’s only noon. What do we do to fill our day?  Some days we go to Starbucks. I sit and write. She snuggles under the table on her favorite Santa hat, gnawing on a bone, and watches people.

Dogs Talking about Dog ParkAfternoons. We discovered the dog park. What a fun adventure. Not so much for me. Fun for Lucy. I watch. I smile. I find joy. She prances. She plays. She comes back to see where I am. Then she’s off again. All the dogs are bigger than her. She doesn’t care. She thinks she’s bigger than they are. I share small talk with some of the dog owners. What kind of dog is that? A teacup yorkie. What kind is yours? How old is she? Just 11 months. Oh,  she’s still a puppy. Yes, but she’ll stay that small. The banter is always the same. And then they move on.

CHANGE QUOTEThis weekend I was at the pool for two days. I thought it might be an opportunity to meet people in the complex. Interesting. I saw some of the same people. Silence. Eyes averted. Okay. I get it. No conversation. Except for one older woman. Maybe that is being a bit judgemental. She was probably my age. Who knows? She sat on the edge of the pool, dangling her toes. I went to dip. She started chatting. Actually complaining, whining. “The pool is too cold. They never warm it. I’ve been living here for 4 years. They say it’s going to be 80 degrees and this is no 80 degrees. I’ve complained for 4 years and they do nothing. I tell other people to complain, but no one complains. My husband complains, but they do nothing.” Okay. Nice conversation. It gets better. She tells me they moved because they lost their beautiful house. Her husband screwed up. He lost everything. She was mad at him. At some point, it comes up in the convo that I’m new in the area. Why? I recently lost my husband and I’m looking to make a move. “I almost lost my husband. He almost died. But he didn’t. I don’t know why. But he didn’t. He lived.” Okay. You are lucky. “Well. Sometimes. I realized he does a lot of things around the house. And sometimes it’s really quiet when he’s not there.” By that point, I wanted to walk away but was trying to be polite. I quietly mentioned that I just wished my hubby was there to be with me. We were best friends and spent a lot of time together. She didn’t get it. She just rambled on about her sister and her husband. Her sister couldn’t wait to be alone. Lovely! Just the words a widow is longing to hear. My phone started buzzing. Saved by the bell!

life (1)So as I lay on my lounge, trying to relax in the sunshine, I felt empty. I wanted Gregger to be there. I shouldn’t be in this place alone. But I don’t want to be home either. So it’s limbo land. It was just one of those days. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll meet different people. I’ll have better conversations. I’ll fill the void. But I can’t help thinking that WE should be here, not just ME. I’ll get over that hurdle too. It’s just a little bump in the road before I’m back on smooth ground.

 

Life Change

Change

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

choices and change2My life these past 8 1/2 months has been all about change. As we live our life we go through so many changes. We grow, we marry, we have children, and then we are alone again. We are constantly changing, constantly growing, learning, evolving. Staying stagnant does not seem to be an option. It seems boring and useless. So we keep moving. We keep changing. But death is the ultimate change. It changes the lives of so many people. It’s not just about the one who died, but those left behind. I am no longer a wife. I am now a widow. I no longer focus my energy on making someone else happy. He is no longer here. My days and nights change, my relationships change.

embrace-by-linda-wood (1)I have two choices. I can fight the change or embrace it. I choose to embrace it. There are times the change makes me angry, sad and frustrated. I’m angry Gregger’s not here. I’m frustrated I have to deal with these people and tedious tasks I don’t understand. I want to walk away. But I can’t. But then I know I am taking control. I am doing something. And that gives me a sense of power.

“Every moment that changes your life changes who you are.”

I resisted change. I was such a creature of habit, even a little OCD. It drove Gregger crazy. I loved routine. I woke up at the same time. I followed the same patterns. I was not good at spontaneity. I ate the same foods – EVERY DAY! I was boring. He was a routine guy too, but he could change things up a little better than me. He could NOT and would NOT break his morning pattern. Bike with sports page, read rest of paper with first cup of coffee, shower with second cup of coffee, dress and breakfast (yes, simultaneously), and gone! But throw a curve ball for some fun social action and he was far more game than me. I needed notice, mental prep time. Call me strange, but it’s one of my quirks.

every day 2Six years ago I wrote on my timeline, “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in everyday.” I believe that is part of my change. It is about finding the good. Losing my best friend has given me a greater awareness for the beauty, the love, and the life that surrounds me. I made a HUGE change several days ago. I moved from my home to a new city. It may not be a permanent move right now, but it’s for a long enough period of time that I have to figure things out. Not everything went as perfectly as planned. But it’s okay. I’ve got a new place and I am looking on each day as a new adventure. What will Lucy and I discover today? We will venture out into unknown territory. Maybe we will find our new Starbucks, talk to a stranger, or simply hang out in the beautiful weather together. It’s okay. I will embrace the change one day at a time for whatever it brings me. These are a few of my welcomed, yet unexpected changes:

1. No cable, TV, or internet as scheduled for 2 days…completely disconnected makes me focus on me. I thought I would freak without noise, but instead I savored the silence. I survived.

2. Small space. Kind of cool. Everything fit. Less mess, less cleaning. Can’t complain.

3. Unknown territory. Thank goodness for navigation system. It works. It got me where I needed to go. Again, I survived.

4. No yard for Lucy. We walk. Great for for her, better for me. Win-win!

5. Living on the second floor. Climbing stairs. Lugging groceries. Lots of bags. Great exercise!

6. Cool weather. No complaints! Sweatshirt on and I’m ready to roll. Love it!

new lifeWhile it felt like life was ending, this is a beginning. My first beginning in 40 years. This is truly the first time I have EVER been on my own. Talk about change! Talk about learning! Talk about growing! I will embrace this and see where the journey takes me. I will forever be grateful to Gregger for giving me the strength to stand on my own two feet. I am no longer the little girl he married 39 years ago. Thank you Gregger for guiding me with your love and wisdom to become strong and independent. It was your greatest gift to me today. I love you now and forever.