letter to myself

A Letter to Myself

I read a letter that Pete Sampras wrote to his “16-year-old younger self” the other day. He talks about how his life is just beginning, the difficulties he’s going to face, the triumphs, the defeats, the rewards, and the appreciation of the journey. He reminds himself to “play hard but stay true to himself.”  Reading this made me think about what I would say to myself as an innocent 19-year-old.

19 years oldDear 19-year-old Mikki,
You think you are heading to Washington University in the fall. Occupational Therapy program. Excited to be accepted. Anxious to start a new path. This is the right school. Third time’s a charm! U of A. Bust! University of Missouri-St. Louis. UGH! Washington University. Here we come! Not. You go to say goodbye to your good buddy, Jeff. Little do you know that he will put thoughts in your head about leaving St. Louis. You can’t sleep that night. You wake up in the morning. Anxious. Distracted. You HAVE to approach your parents. They will think you’re nuts. But if you don’t try, you’ll never know. And if you don’t do this, your WHOLE life will be different. You HAVE to do it. You tell your mom. You want to go back to ASU. “NO WAY!” You tell your dad. “If you can make it work. Go ahead.” Now you’re confused. But something is pulling you. You have to make it happen. You call Jeff. He sets things up for you. And several days later, you are off. Your life is totally about to change. FOR THE BETTER!

You live in the fraternity house for a week. Interesting. And then fate steps in. You spot some guy at a pool party. He has no idea. But you do. You tell your roommate. “I’m going to marry that guy.” One week later. First date. Three months later. Engaged. One year later. MARRIED. Fate. Reality. Love. Set. Match.

You think life will be roses and lollipops. But you are still in school. He will graduate early. He must get a job. Jobs are scarce. Little pay. So you move. Back to the midwest. Back to his hometown. And you change schools AGAIN. He will work for his dad. You think this is for the best. It is for a while. But your hearts are elsewhere. In the west. Tugging you back. So you will pack your bags and return. No place to live. No jobs. Life will be tough. He will take the bus to work. You will be a substitute teacher until something better comes along. You make it work. He thinks he wants to go back to school. Become an accountant. He gives it a shot. But nature stops him. He can’t cross the bridge. Rain. Floods. He misses classes. This is a good thing. Fate. Again. He was meant to be where he is. You will find this out later. Much later. It’s worth the wait. So he’s back in retail. Long hours. Hard work. But it’s his calling. His passion. He just doesn’t realize it yet. You finally get work as a special ed teacher. You will love working with the children. But it is short lived. You miraculously get pregnant, after being told it is impossible. You work through the pregnancy. But, lucky for you, you get to be a stay at home mom. And so your fleeting career is over.

You love being a mom. At the beginning it’s like playing with dolls. You love feeding, changing clothes, bathing, walking, even changing diapers. It’s all such a miracle. And then baby #2 comes along. Life will become a little more hectic. But you figure it out. Motherhood becomes you. It’s your dream career, so you aren’t complaining. You will have side jobs. Things to keep your personal identity. This is important for you. You will teach fitness. This will keep you in shape. It will also become an obsession. Not necessarily in a good way. You have that tendency. You just have to know when to curb it. You don’t. Fortunately, life steps in and slows you down. You will write cookbooks. As a ghostwriter. This is kind of a fluke. But it’s all good. Making your own money. Developing an identity outside motherhood. Twelve books. Magazine articles. Food stylist. So outside of your realm. But you learn. And grow. It’s good for you. Confidence builder. And then you burn. Time to move on. It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You gave it a good run. You gave “her” a good run. And it’s time to move on. Time to focus on you. Another of life’s lessons.

You will spend a lot of time with your kids. A LOT of time! You help them with school work. You drive them from one activity to the next. You play the role of mom, teacher, maid, social director, chauffeur, cook, cheerleader, therapist, party planner, referee, and friend. You never know which role on any given time, day, or moment. Be prepared. This will last from birth to adulthood. Your competitive spirit comes out a little bit. You relive through your children what you never got to do. Your boys are tennis players. You cheer them on at every match. You are personally invested. You don’t need to be. They will be fine on their own. Take a step back. Breathe. Let them figure it out. Don’t try to micromanage. If they win, awesome. If they lose, it’s okay. It’s the juniors. It’s part of life. They will survive. When your oldest decides to just play for school, let him. He knows what he’s doing. He will enjoy the game a lot more. His focus is on college, future. Son #2 has a passion. Don’t push. Let him decide his path. It will be hard for you. It’s not in the “box.” But if you take away the dream, he will resent you. Your daughter. Loves her dance. Sometimes you love it more. Pom. Competitions. It won’t be her life. Let her enjoy the moments. Let her dance. Have fun. She’s not going to be on Broadway. Or become a professional dancer. It’s not HER dream. It may be yours. Give it up. Let her follow her dreams. Just let her enjoy.

School. All of the kids will be good students. But don’t push so hard. If they don’t get perfect grades. So what? Let them do the work. You don’t need to make it perfect. But you think you do. Let it go. It’s one of the hardest things you will ever do. Letting your kids just be. Letting them go and becoming their own beings. You can do it. You will be so proud years later. They will prove to you they can do it on their own. But you have to allow them to breathe. Make mistakes. Fall on their faces. Pick themselves up. You can’t always do it for them.

You and hubby will go through many a bumpy road over the years. Financially, emotionally, mentally. But hang in there. Every struggle brings you closer together. At the time, it feels like the world is coming to an end. You think you are the worst mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister. You think everyone would be better off without you. But stick it out. Believe in yourself. Seek out the positive. The blessings. They are hiding behind the darkest clouds. Little by little you filter through. You and hubby always have your foundation. Your love. But instead of taking you back to the beginning, you go someplace better. Someplace stronger. You build. You trust. You share. Life together just gets better every day.

Kids grow up. They leave home. They begin to build their own lives. You are an empty nester. But you are okay. You keep yourself busy. You and hubby travel more. You love spending time together. At home. Away. It doesn’t really matter. You love filling your house with kids. It doesn’t happen as often as you would like. But they are building their own lives. You are trying to accept that. You learn that living without expectations is the best way. No disappointment. It is hard. But you keep on trying. You hope that someday they will want to come home. You try to build traditions. That is important to you. You will try to instill these values so they can pass them down to their families.

You are a homebody. You try to be more social, but it is just not your thing. It is hard for you to go out in big groups. You crawl into a shell sometimes. Try to crawl out. You deserve to be seen. You deserve to be heard. You just don’t always believe it. You have a great person by your side. He supports you. He believes in you. He pushes you to do better. You don’t always see it that way. But those are his greatest intentions. He only wants the best for you. He loves you. He wants you to shine. He wants you to grow. He wants you to believe. And he is somehow preparing you for the future. A future you don’t see coming.

To be continued…

19 years old 2

happy birthday

Happy Birthday

60Heads up readers! I am doing my best to keep the positive spirit, head high, and super smile, but this is a TOUGH one! I have been trying to squash some incredible memories. I can’t stop the tears. Happy tears, sad tears, “I miss you so badly” tears. One of the GREATEST weeks of my life. My 60th birthday! A birthday I could barely believe I was celebrating. But leave it to Gregger. He made it over-the-top spectacular, never to be forgotten. As they say in the movies (well kind of), “Thank God we had 60!” One year ago. And in that short time, life changed. I want to go back. I want a redo. I want him here to celebrate.

Gregger had a whirlwind trip in New York to make it home in time for my birthday, so just having him there was enough for me. I thought we were going to spend a quiet day together. A walk. Starbucks. Pedis. Gregger had never had one. He hated people touching his feet. But he was going to do it for MY birthday. I was shocked. Little did I know we’d never make it there. He had far more up his sleeve.

IMG_0014It started on Saturday. I was running errands, catching up before he came home on Monday. My sister-in-law called and said they wanted to stop by with my present as they were going to be away on my actual birthday. No big. Of course. While I was trying to downplay this momentous milestone, everyone else was playing it up BIG! There was no escape! A few minutes later they showed up at my door singing “Happy Birthday.” But standing in the background was my sister, Suzy, from NEW YORK! Surprise #1! We had just texted several hours earlier and were planning to catch up later in the day. I had NO CLUE!

Several weeks prior I had been on the phone with Suzy chatting about the “Move Live On Tour” Show with Julianne and Derek Hough. It was going to be in Phoenix on my birthday. Ticket prices were sky high and with Gregger in NYC it was off my radar. But Surprise #2 was a doozy…my family, along with Gregger, scored front row seats (1 and 2)! Really? This was almost too much and it wasn’t even my birthday yet! Amazing show, fantastic night. The only thing missing was the Gregger beside me to share the energy, the love, the celebration. But he was on his way.

DSC_0528Monday was finally here and Gregger was on his way back from NYC. I was so anxious to see him. He had only been gone a week but it seemed like forever! I hated getting the party started without him. It was time for him to join in the fun. The only thing that would have made my birthday perfect was having Ashley, Tyler, and Bella in tow. Unfortunately (or fortunately for his family) they were celebrating with Jeff (Tyler’s dad) who shares my birthday. It’s only fair that we take turns, so I was more than okay with this plan. I figured next year might be mine. I had spoken to Ashley several times during the day. She was feeling pretty bad. I kept reassuring her she was doing the right thing. My last conversation ended as they were getting ready to have lunch with Jeff to start his celebration. Yeah, Jeff! So after Suzy and I filled our day trying to get my stupid phone replaced (lots of aggravation), I was ready for a happy hour celebration with friends. Fate must have stepped in. I had no cell service. So Suzy was on call. She played me good. She told me Gregger texted her from the air and said his plane was circling. It was going to be late. I thought it was coming in early. Why not believe her? I had no reason not to. Drink on. We finally headed for the airport. Then it was time to sit and wait. Cell phone lot. What the heck? I thought he was in. Guess not. We circled around and saw him heading to the car. YEAH! Time to get this party started! I practically jumped into his arms! I was overcome with joy. Suddenly he said he forgot a package inside. Needed to go back to get it. Greg? He doesn’t forget. Ever. I was baffled. But I waited. And as he walked back out, nothing in hand, a trail of three beautiful figures was behind him. Ashley, Tyler, and Bella. OMG! I screamed. I jumped. I clapped. I was overjoyed. Surprise #3! It couldn’t get better than this!

DSC_0421But it could. We walked into the house and the kitchen was blooming with a bouquet of 60 birthday balloons. Magnificent! How did he pull that one off? Magical. Extraordinary. Gregger. We capped off the night with cheers, laughter, and lots of love. LOTS OF LOVE. Before bed I was instructed: be ready by 9:30. Wear a bathing suit. No questions. Just be ready. Okay. No idea. But I’ll go with it. I was in my happiest place. With my happiest people. My family.

Birthday. Lots of wishes. Phone calls. Texts. Facebook messages. It felt good. I felt good. A dear friend and her daughter stopped by with flowers and gifts. Ryan stopped by. He had to work. He was saving his time off for Hawaii. I begged him to. That was way more important than my birthday. We would celebrate over the weekend together. He was okay with that. Or so I thought. He greeted everyone. Hugged me tight. Suddenly he said, “Oh mom. I think there are some flowers for you by the front door.” Without a thought, I meandered to the door and flung it open. No flowers. But the BEST surprise EVER. My parents. With birthday wish signs in hand. Surprise #4! I cried. I almost fell over. I really couldn’t believe this one. Flying in from St. Louis to celebrate with me. This was just over the top special. This day just couldn’t get any better. But it did.

DSC_0468Surprise #5: Ryan was off for the day. Spending it with all of us. Surprise #6: We loaded up the car and headed out. I had no clue where we were going until we arrived at Talking Stick Casino. Gregger had rented a cabana for the day. What a blast. Our own cabana boy. Food, drinks, TV, and a pool practically to ourselves. Gregger was not a pool or sun lover so this was for me. And boy did we have fun! Just lounging in the pool. Chilling our bodies from a hot AZ day. Nothing could be more perfect than hanging with the people I love. Capped it off with a little gambling. Nothing crazy. I hate throwing Gregger’s hard earned cash away. So home we headed. The celebration was still underway.

DSC_0565Showers. Dress. Present time. Pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Good thing. Memories captured for a lifetime. And then we were off again. While it was supposed to be a surprise, I was pretty sure I could guess this one. I was right. Ocean Club. Best food in AZ. Best atmosphere. Best night ever. Perfection. No words. Just love, laughter, family, and good old-fashioned FUN. SIXTY never felt better. This one was for the history books. Cloud nine. Reeling for weeks. Don’t ever let me come down.

One year later. No Gregger. No surprises. It will be hard. There’s no way around it. My toughest 1st yet. He just made it that special. He made me feel that special. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t. But I’m lucky. I have an incredible second family. A family to share my birthday with in a big way. So we are off to Utah. Off to celebrate Keena and Jeff. It’s their special year. We’ll celebrate them. I’ll hold onto the memories of last year. I’ll feel Gregger with me. I’ll wait for the sign. And I’ll cherish the love, laughter, and joy of a beautiful family. Grateful for life’s blessings once again.

IMG_2103