Tag: life

It All Comes Full Circle

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

plans 4Life is about changes. And plans. And changing those plans. It’s about stages. Adapting. Or not. Some people live spontaneously. On the edge. Others plan. I am a planner. I like routine. As a teen, I planned out my life. Special ed teacher. Check. Married at 21. Check.  First child at 25. Check. Three to five children. Check. Physical issues stopped me at three (along with Gregger’s objections). I would have gone for five! What I didn’t prepare for were the unexpected bumps along the way. I planned. I prepped. I prepared. I never thought about the curve balls thrown along the way. I’d have to be ready to swing, catch, strike out, or hit a home run. I never knew what life was going to throw my way.

  • It certainly wasn’t in my “plan” to encounter major difficulties getting pregnant. But life happened. We were dealt a hard blow that resulted in an emotional roller coaster of sadness, fear, disappointment, anger, frustration, more sadness, more disappointment. I blamed myself. The stress was apparent. And then a miracle happened. A true blessed miracle.
  • And baby makes three! Life was thrown topsy-turvy. Sleepless nights. Out of routine. Making time. But I loved it. I was a stay-at-home mom and embraced every moment. I never questioned my decision. I’d never trade my role. Gregger and I made special time for “us.” Saturday night. Date night. It started out weekly and soon we cut it to every other. We loved being with Adam. We were becoming homebodies. None of our friends had kids. We didn’t care. We were happy with our family. Happy to be the three of us.  plans 5
  • After all the trouble I had getting pregnant, I figured whatever happened was meant to be. 18 months later and #2 came along. If one baby hadn’t changed our lives enough, two was certainly going to make an impact. Two babies. Two in diapers. Two napping. Two demanding A LOT of attention. Gregger and I had less and less time for each other. Early bedtime for the kids. Time for us. And we were too exhausted to barely hold a conversation.
  • Busy lives. Busy kids. Trying to keep it together. Tough. And then a huge curve ball. Miscarriage. One minute you’re on top of the world. The next, your world is falling apart. But you don’t have time for that. There are two kids to care for. A husband. And life goes on. But I was grieving. I wanted that baby. I was so sad. A tough time to go through with two babies still in tow. But another life hurdle. We climbed. We crawled. We made it through.
  • One year later. Another miracle. I was pregnant. So cautious. So nervous. But 9 months later princess Ashley was born. I opened and closed that diaper more times than I can remember. I couldn’t believe it was really a girl! The third time was a little different. I was more relaxed. Both boys were in school. We moved into a rental when Ashley was three months. A bit stressful. Moved again when our new house was built. Yikes. A lot of moving with three little ones. But we managed. Happy in our new digs. Great family neighborhood. Fun place to raise the little ones.
  • The growing years. The busy years. The “no time for each other” years. Running from school to activities. Homework. Birthday parties. All while Gregger was building a business. Sunday funday was family day. Bike rides. Train park. Swimming. Whatever we could fit in. Just being together. Gregger wanted perfection. It was his only day to be together. The kids would fight. We would argue. There is no such thing as perfection. Not with family. Not with three kids. We learned the hard way. But we eventually learned. Keeping it together was a great day. As close to perfection as we would ever come.
  • High School. Kids driving. Worrying. Waiting up to make sure they made it home safely. Busy. It was a time of independence. Yet still dependent. Needing us for guidance and reassurance. Would we say and do the right things? Would we guide them in the right direction? We did the best we could. We made the best decisions with the information we had. Would I change anything? I can’t go back. If I had the chance. Well, maybe. Gregger and I hung on. It was tough. Stressful times. One leaving for college. One going away to tennis academy. One at home. Life was changing. Life was different.
  • Empty Nesters. We took a deep breath. We learned to enjoy each other again. We talked. We took time to really BE together. We thought we would be so sad. We missed the kids. We loved having them come home. But we LOVED being together. We loved being BEST friends. We loved just BEING. We traveled. We shared. We did nothing. We were just the two of us. And it was AWESOME. plans 2

    Our kids had their own lives. Girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, jobs, social lives. Sometimes it was hard. Sometimes we wanted them home again. But we respected their lives. We wanted them to choose to be with us. We wished it was more. In my life plan, my family was full of family dinners, get togethers. But that wasn’t the way it worked. A different plan. We accepted the time we had. And we continued to enjoy each other. Life had come full circle. We were back to OUR beginning. And we were embracing those special times.

    Back to Single. This is the one I never expected. I thought my circle was complete. I liked that circle. I liked being back to two. Now the circle is broken. I will create my own circle. My own beginning. I will see where this circle takes me and where I end up. The journey may never give me answers, but I hope to find peace. I will learn to enjoy the ride. Because life itself is completely uncontrollable.

plans 3

A Letter to Myself…Lessons I’ve Learned

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Dear 19-year-old Mikki,

DSC_0215You have been knocked down. Flat face. You will feel like you can you never put two feet on the ground and run again. But you can. And you will. Faster than you’ve ever run before. Alone. Terrifying. Intimidating. Daunting. You will pack your bags and head to California. San Diego. And it will work.

You will find a small place. Safe. Venture out into comfort zones. Meet people slowly. You will be overwhelmed by the warmth. Kindness. Compassion. You feel welcome. In a short time, it feels like home. And you will grow. Life becomes real. You will write. A lot. You will write about life before. And after. You will write about lessons. All that you’ve learned. You will write about hubby. This will be your way to carry out his legacy. It’s a good thing. Carry that in your heart.

1. The big things aren’t so big anymore. You will be blessed with graciousness and hurt with inhumanity. You will hold on to those who love you and let go of others.  life is unpredictable
2. It’s okay to take care of yourself. Even before you take care of others. If you don’t, you won’t be around either.  take care of yourself (1)
3.Life is unpredictable. You think you can plan. It doesn’t always work out the way you want. Be prepared.
4.Life is short. Live it. There are no second chances. No do-overs. You will wish there were. Don’t look back. Keep your eyes forward.
5. There is no timetable for grief. No conventional way to mourn. No normal.
6. Life will never be the same. You may never have the same kind of happiness. The same kind of love. But you can create a new normal. A new happy.
7. There will be an ending. And a beginning. You will deal with both. Embrace them.
8. Be patient. With yourself. Your family. Friends. Everyone grieves in their own way. It is a journey that only you can take to arrive at a place of peace and acceptance.  life is short 3 (1)
9. You will have to make decisions you never thought you would have to make. You will take over. Roles. “Things.” You will become mother and father. Accountant. Handyman. Do it all. You can do it. And you will.

“The road of life twists and turns and no two
directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”

A Letter to Myself…Life Changes

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Dear 19-year-old Mikki,

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Your life will change in the blink of an eye. One minute you will be living the dream. Happily married. Loving life. The next you will be standing on a beach. With your kids. But you will be alone. For the first time in your life. You will be surrounded by strangers. You will be confused. You will not know what to do. Where to turn. You will cry. You will scream. You will be numb. And then you will be strong. For your kids. They need you. More than ever.

You will move slowly. An out of body experience. You will think it is a dream. A nightmare. It’s not. It’s reality. And you must figure it out. You will have to do things. Things you don’t understand. Phone calls. You will not be able to get the words out. They are words you will not be able to comprehend. But they will come to you. Tearfully. Your heart will hurt. It will hurt so bad. A stranger will comfort you and the kids. He will stay with you. He will answer questions for which there are no answers. Listen to him. He is a smart man. It won’t make sense at the time. It may never make sense. But try to believe.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAYou and the kids will choose to stay in Hawaii. You will feel closer to hubby. It will be a good decision for all of you. You will have time to be together. To talk. To cry. To share. You will spend time at the ocean. You will see, hear, and feel so many signs. Clouds. Rainbows. Songs. Miracles. You will never want to leave. But you must. You and the kids will leave messages. Everlasting messages of love. Buried deep in the ocean. They will find their way to hubby. He will see them. Feel them. Know you are always with him. And he is always with you. Believe this.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Flying home will be hard. It’s not the way you were supposed to leave. Alone. You don’t understand. You will feel afraid. Afraid to walk into the house you’ve lived in together for over 20 years. Afraid to face people. Afraid to just be something you don’t believe you ever wanted to be. A widow. But you will be able to do it. You will find strength. You will be stronger than you ever believed you could be. You don’t know how. But you will. Just believe.

Your brother will be waiting for you. At the garage. He will not let you walk into the house alone. You will be forever grateful. Family and friends will come. And then they will go. This will be tough. You will break down. Literally. Fall to the floor. Sob uncontrollably at the star filled skies. Let it come. Let it go. Cry. Scream. Just let it out. This will not be the first time. Nor will it be the last. Remember that.

IMG_1974You will plan a memorial. It’s going to be huge. Why wouldn’t it be? Hubby is a beloved man. Not just to his family and friends, but the community at large. Kind, generous, compassionate, beloved. You and your children will honor his memory. He will be proud.

You will understand the events of the past year. Life will make sense. Changes hubby made. Working at the store. Teaching you things you did not want to learn. But you did. Now you know. You have to step into the business. You will have no choice. You have been preparing. You just didn’t know it. You will hold onto the business for as long as you can. But you are not hubby. He was the best of the best. You will sell. It will be hard. But it is the best for you. Be okay with it. He told you it was okay. All. The. Time. Remember. He told you what to do. Just in case. Listen to him. He will leave you messages. Everywhere. Look for them. You will find them. Little by little. They will bring you comfort. And peace.

You will memorialize hubby in a big way. Something solely devoted to him. One of your greatest accomplishments. A dream. And you will do it. Donations to charities. His favorites. Overwhelming. Heartwarming.  IMG_1572

You will go through the motions. Day by day. One day blends into the next. You will have to deal with undesirable crap. That’s what it will feel like. Crap. B.S. But you will have to deal. Put your big girl panties on and deal. You will be able to do it. And you will grow. And learn. And feel awesome about it. Again, hubby has been preparing you for this. He put all his ducks in a row. Pretty much. You are lucky. You always knew how much he loved you. Now you know even more. And you will wish every day you could thank him. Tell him how much you love him. You can. And you do. While you are driving. Sitting. Walking. You will talk to him. And he will hear you.

You will make a lot of changes. Changes you never thought you would be making alone. But you are. Put the house on the market. You love the house. But it’s empty. You cannot live there. You feel the urge to leave. And you will. Off to California. A new beginning. Not for good yet. A trial run. But you will grow. You will learn. About yourself. About life. About being alone.

To be continued…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

happy birthday

Happy Birthday

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

60Heads up readers! I am doing my best to keep the positive spirit, head high, and super smile, but this is a TOUGH one! I have been trying to squash some incredible memories. I can’t stop the tears. Happy tears, sad tears, “I miss you so badly” tears. One of the GREATEST weeks of my life. My 60th birthday! A birthday I could barely believe I was celebrating. But leave it to Gregger. He made it over-the-top spectacular, never to be forgotten. As they say in the movies (well kind of), “Thank God we had 60!” One year ago. And in that short time, life changed. I want to go back. I want a redo. I want him here to celebrate.

Gregger had a whirlwind trip in New York to make it home in time for my birthday, so just having him there was enough for me. I thought we were going to spend a quiet day together. A walk. Starbucks. Pedis. Gregger had never had one. He hated people touching his feet. But he was going to do it for MY birthday. I was shocked. Little did I know we’d never make it there. He had far more up his sleeve.

IMG_0014It started on Saturday. I was running errands, catching up before he came home on Monday. My sister-in-law called and said they wanted to stop by with my present as they were going to be away on my actual birthday. No big. Of course. While I was trying to downplay this momentous milestone, everyone else was playing it up BIG! There was no escape! A few minutes later they showed up at my door singing “Happy Birthday.” But standing in the background was my sister, Suzy, from NEW YORK! Surprise #1! We had just texted several hours earlier and were planning to catch up later in the day. I had NO CLUE!

Several weeks prior I had been on the phone with Suzy chatting about the “Move Live On Tour” Show with Julianne and Derek Hough. It was going to be in Phoenix on my birthday. Ticket prices were sky high and with Gregger in NYC it was off my radar. But Surprise #2 was a doozy…my family, along with Gregger, scored front row seats (1 and 2)! Really? This was almost too much and it wasn’t even my birthday yet! Amazing show, fantastic night. The only thing missing was the Gregger beside me to share the energy, the love, the celebration. But he was on his way.

DSC_0528Monday was finally here and Gregger was on his way back from NYC. I was so anxious to see him. He had only been gone a week but it seemed like forever! I hated getting the party started without him. It was time for him to join in the fun. The only thing that would have made my birthday perfect was having Ashley, Tyler, and Bella in tow. Unfortunately (or fortunately for his family) they were celebrating with Jeff (Tyler’s dad) who shares my birthday. It’s only fair that we take turns, so I was more than okay with this plan. I figured next year might be mine. I had spoken to Ashley several times during the day. She was feeling pretty bad. I kept reassuring her she was doing the right thing. My last conversation ended as they were getting ready to have lunch with Jeff to start his celebration. Yeah, Jeff! So after Suzy and I filled our day trying to get my stupid phone replaced (lots of aggravation), I was ready for a happy hour celebration with friends. Fate must have stepped in. I had no cell service. So Suzy was on call. She played me good. She told me Gregger texted her from the air and said his plane was circling. It was going to be late. I thought it was coming in early. Why not believe her? I had no reason not to. Drink on. We finally headed for the airport. Then it was time to sit and wait. Cell phone lot. What the heck? I thought he was in. Guess not. We circled around and saw him heading to the car. YEAH! Time to get this party started! I practically jumped into his arms! I was overcome with joy. Suddenly he said he forgot a package inside. Needed to go back to get it. Greg? He doesn’t forget. Ever. I was baffled. But I waited. And as he walked back out, nothing in hand, a trail of three beautiful figures was behind him. Ashley, Tyler, and Bella. OMG! I screamed. I jumped. I clapped. I was overjoyed. Surprise #3! It couldn’t get better than this!

DSC_0421But it could. We walked into the house and the kitchen was blooming with a bouquet of 60 birthday balloons. Magnificent! How did he pull that one off? Magical. Extraordinary. Gregger. We capped off the night with cheers, laughter, and lots of love. LOTS OF LOVE. Before bed I was instructed: be ready by 9:30. Wear a bathing suit. No questions. Just be ready. Okay. No idea. But I’ll go with it. I was in my happiest place. With my happiest people. My family.

Birthday. Lots of wishes. Phone calls. Texts. Facebook messages. It felt good. I felt good. A dear friend and her daughter stopped by with flowers and gifts. Ryan stopped by. He had to work. He was saving his time off for Hawaii. I begged him to. That was way more important than my birthday. We would celebrate over the weekend together. He was okay with that. Or so I thought. He greeted everyone. Hugged me tight. Suddenly he said, “Oh mom. I think there are some flowers for you by the front door.” Without a thought, I meandered to the door and flung it open. No flowers. But the BEST surprise EVER. My parents. With birthday wish signs in hand. Surprise #4! I cried. I almost fell over. I really couldn’t believe this one. Flying in from St. Louis to celebrate with me. This was just over the top special. This day just couldn’t get any better. But it did.

DSC_0468Surprise #5: Ryan was off for the day. Spending it with all of us. Surprise #6: We loaded up the car and headed out. I had no clue where we were going until we arrived at Talking Stick Casino. Gregger had rented a cabana for the day. What a blast. Our own cabana boy. Food, drinks, TV, and a pool practically to ourselves. Gregger was not a pool or sun lover so this was for me. And boy did we have fun! Just lounging in the pool. Chilling our bodies from a hot AZ day. Nothing could be more perfect than hanging with the people I love. Capped it off with a little gambling. Nothing crazy. I hate throwing Gregger’s hard earned cash away. So home we headed. The celebration was still underway.

DSC_0565Showers. Dress. Present time. Pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Good thing. Memories captured for a lifetime. And then we were off again. While it was supposed to be a surprise, I was pretty sure I could guess this one. I was right. Ocean Club. Best food in AZ. Best atmosphere. Best night ever. Perfection. No words. Just love, laughter, family, and good old-fashioned FUN. SIXTY never felt better. This one was for the history books. Cloud nine. Reeling for weeks. Don’t ever let me come down.

One year later. No Gregger. No surprises. It will be hard. There’s no way around it. My toughest 1st yet. He just made it that special. He made me feel that special. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t. But I’m lucky. I have an incredible second family. A family to share my birthday with in a big way. So we are off to Utah. Off to celebrate Keena and Jeff. It’s their special year. We’ll celebrate them. I’ll hold onto the memories of last year. I’ll feel Gregger with me. I’ll wait for the sign. And I’ll cherish the love, laughter, and joy of a beautiful family. Grateful for life’s blessings once again.

IMG_2103

Life is a Roller Coaster

Life is a Roller Coaster

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

shift attentionThese last few weeks I have been reminded of things I “posted” five years. I do not recall the “whys” behind these words, but in the wake of my present situation, they are so profound. In some ways, I believe whatever was happening was an awakening, a rehearsal for today. Something brought me to a state of awareness. Recognition of gratitude. Emotions. Attitude. This did not happen by chance. Because today I understand. I accept. And I’m grateful. These were the messages to myself five years ago. So incredibly relevant today!

“Find your freedom to happiness. Stand in the doorway of your mind and monitor your thoughts. Notice which ones lift you which ones drag you down. Then, like a bouncer at a party, admit only those on the invitation list and send the others back where they came from. Fate is not a net cast over you by capricious fortune; it is a garden you cultivate by the thoughts you attend to. Shift your attention and you will shift your life.”

So true. I can choose to wallow in self-pitiful thoughts. I refuse. Depressing. Drag me down. Unproductive. A garden of wilting flowers that wither, dry up and die. Or I can choose to lift myself up with happy memories, joyful hopes for a better tomorrow. A beautiful garden that blossoms, flourishes, and thrives despite adverse conditions. Shift my attention, I shift my life.

roller coaster 2“Life is a roller coaster…if you can learn to recognize the lows as opportunities to climb back to the top, you’ll never find yourself “down.”

Get ready for a bumpy ride! I may have hit rock bottom in August, but I am inching my way back to the top. The ride is the place to learn. About life, gratitude, and recognition. Bouncing, racing, plummeting, and rising back up. Over and over again. So many lessons, reserving my seat on a virtual ride. 

  1. The ride starts with a big drop. Always be prepared. The unexpected is in the shadows.
  2. Highs and lows are a natural part of life. My choice: sit back and enjoy the ride or jump ship. (This week is one of my biggest tests. I know what’s ahead of me. I’m prepared. I’ll hold on. I’ll be ready. And despite some tough moments, I know I’ll take the climb.)
  3. I can’t control what happens TO me, but my thoughts and actions control where I land. (Five years ago I wrote: “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The you deal with it is what makes the difference.”)
  4. Highs and lows are not just what happen to me. Emotions, attitudes, and reactions to events are part of the roller coaster ride. (Five years ago I wrote: “A positive attitude can cure almost anything…turn a frown upside down….TODAY!”)
  5. Don’t get stuck at the bottom. Getting out means choosing to see things differently. Stepping out of my comfort zone is my only way out!
  6. There will always be those terrifying “drops.” They are part of life. The way I choose to handle them determines how quickly I rise back up. (Five years ago I wrote: “Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.”)
  7. I must be present. Participate. Watching is not learning, growing.
  8. Plateaus are okay. It’s a time for me to rest, reflect, and renew.
  9. Always, always, always APPRECIATE the good times. The bad times will be few and far between with an attitude of gratitude. ((Five years ago I wrote: “While peace should start within and spread outward, sometimes life throws curve balls and it’s the peace outward that determines our peace inward. Today is a peaceful day. Aah!”)
  10. Don’t get stuck in the “drops.”. It’s my own fear, disguised as comfort, keeping me there.
  11. Visualize. A better future. A happy life. A new beginning. Before long I will find myself there. (Five years ago I wrote: “ Life is a song – sing it. Life is a game – play it. Life is a challenge – meet it. Life is a dream – realize it. Life is a sacrifice – offer it. Life is love – enjoy it.”)

I think I am ready. A new beginning. A better future. A life filled with love, happiness, and peace. Where’s my ticket? Let’s start the ride.

life is a song

Memories are worth a thousand words

A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

me and greg (1)Some people collect expensive antiques or art; others collect stamps, coins, trading cards, or other miscellaneous items. I started collecting when my kids were born. I believe I was protesting my mom’s disregard for our “valuables.” She loved to clean out, get rid of the old. Her rule of thumb, “If you haven’t used it in a year, get rid of it!” Well, I hoarded quite a few collections in the growing years. The boys began with He-Man. At one time Castle Grayskull took over my family room invaded with the likes of Skeletor, Keldor, Prince Adam and their comrades. With two boys eighteen months apart, I couldn’t just buy one of everything. I had to buy in multiples. Then it was transformers, a variety of mini vehicles that “transformed” into robotic figures. The trends swooped in like a raging storm and as soon as the collection was filling itself, it was dead, kaput, washed up. So I was stockpiling a treasure trove of timeworn superheroes while the boys were moving on to bigger and better collections.

 transformers    “A camera is a SAVE button for the mind’s eye.”

Gregger got into the next game. Baseball cards. Now this was something he could wrap his head around. Of course it made sense to spend $$$ on signed cards that would be invaluable some day. Boxes and boxes of cards. Individual cards. Signed cards. Unsigned cards. Some framed for posterity, others stashed in notebooks or thrown haphazardly in boxes. This progressed into balls, jerseys, and other sports memorabilia from all arenas until we were overflowing. Collections of wishes fulfilled, some for the young, some for the old.  baseball cards

beaniesI was crazed with collection fever when Ashley was born. From stuffed animals to Madam Alexander dolls, Barbies, Care Bears, My Little Ponies, Ferbies (still in the box) and the ultimate Beanie Babies. If truth be told, I think the collections were more for me than Ashley! A long lost yearning. I would hunt down those Beanies like they were gold, paying top dollar for far too many. Gregger loved to raz, “You’re going to sell those to pay for her college education, right?” I don’t think they would have covered the cost of books for a semester.  Now thousands of beanies are neatly packed away in bins (yes, that is multiple!), plastic bags, and other storage units waiting to be passed down to the next generation. So much for priceless collections! Collections of wishes fulfilled, some for the young, some for the old.

“Life is like pictures. You can look back on the moments. But you can never recapture them.”

So while I was busy collecting useless toys, Gregger loved collecting boxes, wires and remotes. Lots of them. The guy couldn’t throw a box away. If it came in a box, he saved it. If it came with wires or remote, he stashed it for “just in case moments.” But when technology moves on, those “things” becomes extinct. Not in our house!  We have more empty boxes than junk! Boxes for computers, printers, phones, tvs and other electronics that are long gone. Half of the stores are out of business. We have wires with plugs that don’t go to ANYTHING and remotes that are ancient beyond recognition. So I gathered my courage, piled everything in a big garbage bag, said a silent prayer, and tossed it! Good riddance to good rubbish! This was one collection I could live without. Sorry Gregger!

pictures 4 (1)While my collective obsessions became a little more refined over the years, my collection of MEMORIES is the one I cherish most. While I attribute my brown hair, blue eyes, and shorter than desired height to my ancestors, I believe I inherited the “picture” gene from my mother. Never heard of it? It’s the uncontrollable urge to carry a camera everywhere. It’s never missing an occasion, a moment. It’s capturing EVERYTHING on film, disc, or video. It’s having those you’re photographing give you “the finger,” turn their backs, or walk away because they are so sick of your constant snapping. But it’s a collection of LIFETIME MOMENTS, MEMORIES that can never be relived again, except through photographs. Pictures not only capture experiences, but moods. They seize a sparkling smile or sullen scowl. They are pieces of a life puzzle, jigsawed together in captured moments. Photographs are everlasting. The edges may fray, curl and yellow, but the image is embedded for memories sake. Timeless. Priceless. Memories. Etched in our hearts. Etched in our minds.

“I was looking at the photographs and I started thinking that there was a time when these weren’t memories.”

I am so grateful for the gift of the “picture gene.” Especially today, especially in these moments. Photographs and memories are my lifeline to Gregger. Without them, memories could fade. With them, memories are ALIVE, colorful and bright. A picture is worth far more than a thousand words. It’s worth everything we shared together. Magic moments captured in time. Magic moments hung on walls, pasted in books, and embedded in clouds. These are the collections I will treasure forever. Priceless.

pictures (4)

 

 

there is always hope

There is Always Hope

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

hope 3“I’m strong, but sometimes I break.” Sunday I broke. Sunday sucked! There is no easy way to put it. I tried. I struggled all week long. I prepared myself for Father’s Day. I thought I would be okay. I made plans. I cancelled them. I decided to spend the day alone. It was a good decision. I needed the space. I needed the time. I needed to grieve. It was one of the toughest days I’ve gone through in almost 10 months. Why? I’m not really sure. I was sad for me. I was sad for Gregger. But, most of all, I was sad for my kids. I just couldn’t get over the hump. I cried a million tears. I cried on my way to OT (my happy place). I cried on my way home. I cried every time my phone rang. I cried walking Lucy. I cried listening to some of my favorite songs. Everything reminded me of Gregger. He was embracing me ALL day long. And I was REALLY missing him. My friends and family were AMAZING. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my circle. The love and support poured through my phone, social media, and the airwaves all day into the night. Thank you to everyone.I had a cheering squad to support my personal efforts. Throughout the day I was chanting, “I can do this. I can make it. I will get through this day. Keep on truckin’.” Minute by minute. Hour by hour. And I did. I was wiped out. Spent. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Day over.

hope 2I woke up this morning with a new sense of hope. Today is a new day. This is the way life will cycle. I accept that. But it’s been a good day. Strangers have reached out and touched my heart. They simply stopped to say hello. Old friends messaged with words of encouragement. New friends spent time chatting and sharing. Hope. A bottomless pool of emotional strength. A place to turn when the going gets tough. A place to see the future as a better place. It’s not hoping things will get better, but believing things will be better. Life will always present challenges. This was definitely my BIGGEST. But with a little hope each and every day, I’ll jump the hurdles when I cross them. Because I believe I can. The “firsts.” The heartaches. Just plain old missing Gregger. Hope. It makes me smile. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

A San Diego State of Mind

A San Diego State of Mind

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

IMG_1389After spending a low-key weekend chilling by the pool, I had a jillion emotions running through me. I was trying to relax, but my insides were stirring like an erupting volcano. I felt guilty. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be living like I’m on vacation. Alone. It wasn’t right. I have been in San Diego for almost a month now. I’ve been pretending it’s okay. Sometimes it is. I’ve met some wonderful people. But there is a huge empty hole. It’s just weird. There is no other way to describe it. It comes and goes in waves. One minute life seems almost normal. Well, a “new” normal. The next, it’s not. I try to establish a routine. I rise and shine at the same time each morn. I walk Lucy. I savor my cup of joe, scan email, scour social media. I workout. People! Social time. Talking. For a few minutes before class. And then it’s over. Time to sweat. And then people are on their way. Onto their lives. Busy. Kids. Husbands. Work.  I stop at the store for nothing better to do. Sprouts, Vons, Walgreens. Anywhere. It’s a time excuse. I must need SOMETHING. Back home. Lucy greets me with such unconditional love. Wet kisses, yaps, and more kisses. We walk, she pees, we go home. Now, what? It’s only noon. What do we do to fill our day?  Some days we go to Starbucks. I sit and write. She snuggles under the table on her favorite Santa hat, gnawing on a bone, and watches people.

Dogs Talking about Dog ParkAfternoons. We discovered the dog park. What a fun adventure. Not so much for me. Fun for Lucy. I watch. I smile. I find joy. She prances. She plays. She comes back to see where I am. Then she’s off again. All the dogs are bigger than her. She doesn’t care. She thinks she’s bigger than they are. I share small talk with some of the dog owners. What kind of dog is that? A teacup yorkie. What kind is yours? How old is she? Just 11 months. Oh,  she’s still a puppy. Yes, but she’ll stay that small. The banter is always the same. And then they move on.

CHANGE QUOTEThis weekend I was at the pool for two days. I thought it might be an opportunity to meet people in the complex. Interesting. I saw some of the same people. Silence. Eyes averted. Okay. I get it. No conversation. Except for one older woman. Maybe that is being a bit judgemental. She was probably my age. Who knows? She sat on the edge of the pool, dangling her toes. I went to dip. She started chatting. Actually complaining, whining. “The pool is too cold. They never warm it. I’ve been living here for 4 years. They say it’s going to be 80 degrees and this is no 80 degrees. I’ve complained for 4 years and they do nothing. I tell other people to complain, but no one complains. My husband complains, but they do nothing.” Okay. Nice conversation. It gets better. She tells me they moved because they lost their beautiful house. Her husband screwed up. He lost everything. She was mad at him. At some point, it comes up in the convo that I’m new in the area. Why? I recently lost my husband and I’m looking to make a move. “I almost lost my husband. He almost died. But he didn’t. I don’t know why. But he didn’t. He lived.” Okay. You are lucky. “Well. Sometimes. I realized he does a lot of things around the house. And sometimes it’s really quiet when he’s not there.” By that point, I wanted to walk away but was trying to be polite. I quietly mentioned that I just wished my hubby was there to be with me. We were best friends and spent a lot of time together. She didn’t get it. She just rambled on about her sister and her husband. Her sister couldn’t wait to be alone. Lovely! Just the words a widow is longing to hear. My phone started buzzing. Saved by the bell!

life (1)So as I lay on my lounge, trying to relax in the sunshine, I felt empty. I wanted Gregger to be there. I shouldn’t be in this place alone. But I don’t want to be home either. So it’s limbo land. It was just one of those days. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll meet different people. I’ll have better conversations. I’ll fill the void. But I can’t help thinking that WE should be here, not just ME. I’ll get over that hurdle too. It’s just a little bump in the road before I’m back on smooth ground.

 

Growing Through Something

Growing Through Something

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

2015-02-05 15.52.05“When you are experiencing uncomfortable circumstances you can choose your disposition about your position.  You can either say you are ‘going’ through something or  you can say you are ‘GROWING’ through something.”

The first of so many great lessons, to say I am “growing through something” EVERY DAY is a grand understatement. My eyes are wide open to the lessons in front of me. These are the BEST 25 lessons I’ve collected in the past nine months, and it’s only the beginning!   LIFE 4

  1. Some days just really SUCK! But bad days don’t last forever. They make the good ones seem GREAT.
  2. Let go of expectations. The result will ALWAYS be BETTER.
  3. Stop trying to be ok all of the time. If I feel angry, be angry. If I feel sad, cry. If I feel happy, laugh. But don’t repress emotions just to be ok.
  4. It’s okay to show a sign of weakness. I can’t always be the STRONG one. I can try, but I might not always succeed.
  5. Be honest with myself. Be honest with others. Holding back will only end up hurting one of us.
  6. Surround myself with positive people. Let go of those who do not support, share, or listen. Negativity weighs me down.
  7. Hold on tight to the BEST people in my life. Recognize the blessings and be grateful for those friends and family for they are the greatest gift.
  8. Take care of me. I’m the only one I have. (I have never been good at this. It is a real learning process.)
  9. Forgive. Let go. Forgive myself. Freedom.
  10. Follow my dreams whatever they may be. (Again, a really hard one.)
  11. Starting a new chapter doesn’t mean I am closing the last one. The words, pictures, and memories will always be there so I can turn back the page.
  12. Accept that plans change. Big life plans, small plans, any plans. It sucks, but it’s real. Acceptance and flexibility are the only roads to take.
  13. There are no mistakes if I learn and grow. (Tough, tough, tough for a perfectionist!!)
  14. There’s no such thing as “woulda, shoulda, coulda,” or the big “WHAT IF.”
  15. Don’t waste my time being upset about something I cannot change. Sometimes it just is what it is. Accept it. Or if there is room for change, start over and do it better the next time.
  16. Live so that if people were to talk about me, they couldn’t find “bad” words to say.
  17. Cherish the moments. Life is just WAY too short.
  18. Step out of my box in order to make changes. Otherwise, I just stay stuck.
  19. Communication, trust, and respect are key. Don’t shut down now.
  20. One step at a time is the only way to move forward. Not stepping at all is going nowhere.
  21. There is no timeline or deadline for healing.
  22. Smile – it feels good even when I don’t.   LIFE 5
  23. Trust my gut. I get it right every time!
  24. Follow my heart. I am the only one who has to live with my decisions.
  25. Sit back, enjoy the ride. See what life brings. It’s not what it used to be. It’s not what I planned. It’s not what I wanted. But it’s the only life I’ve got. Why not make the most of it? It’s the BEST choice I’ve got!LIFE 2

 

 

9 months

9 Months

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

10 (1)Dear Gregger,

Nine months. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but that doesn’t really apply in this case. This is not fun. Not having you here is NOT fun. I keep thinking that it’s just a bad dream and I’ll wake up to see your smiling face in the kitchen, all sweaty from your morning workout, drinking a cup of coffee, engrossed in the morning paper. But you’re not there. It’s still, silent, and empty. I want to call you and tell you things. Funny, sad, gossipy, nonsensical. I just want to talk. I miss my best friend. Nine months. I think about what you’ve missed and what’s changed. It’s crazy! Looking back we managed life as well as any bronc rider, holding on with grit,strength, courage, and patience every time something tried to “buck” us off track. I’m still holding on, but stumbling at times. Unbalanced. My other side is missing.

beachI walked along the beach today. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted you beside me so we could stroll in silence or chit chat endlessly about mundane events. I see couples everywhere. Young, old, middle-age. I’m envious. I sit at Starbucks, picturing  you  across from me, sipping your coffee. But you’re not there. Nine months. I have some crazy couple sit down and try to befriend me. I channel my Gregger. I’m friendly, social. But it’s weird and she wants to be my new best friend. She shows me pictures of her dog, trip to Greece, tells me about her divorce, and her mother who died. When I mention you, she says, “Oh honey I’m sorry, my dog just died.” Not really sure how to respond to that. I pack my bags and go home to my quiet, empty apartment. I’m starting over without you and I wish you were here, every day.

Nine months. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same.

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays keep coming. You’ve missed so many in this short nine months – Adam’s birthday, Ashley’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, our anniversary, your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Ryan’s birthday, Tyler’s birthday, Jacob’s birthday, Ashley and Tyler’s anniversary. The world keeps spinning, life goes on, although sometimes it seems it should just stop. But we always celebrated. You wouldn’t want us to stop now. So we keep on celebrating but miss your laughter.

  • I got a puppy. Oh, you’d be so mad. Another dog? I needed her. She’s my best friend. Nothing could take your place, but she’s the closest thing possible. She cuddles, kisses, and loves unconditionally. You would fight me tooth and nail, but you would LOVE her!   IMG_1337
  • I watched my first movie today. Do you remember the last movie we saw together? Me either. It was that long ago. Well, this was a start. Something new. I actually watched the WHOLE thing. I paused, stopped, talked on the phone, played on the computer, and was distracted, but I watched it.
  • “Parenthood” ended. The series. I wanted you there to watch with me, especially when Zeke died. You would have cried with me. But instead I cried alone and thought of you.
  • grey'sDerek died on Grey’s Anatomy. Can you believe they killed him off? It was the shocker of the season. Meredith seems to be stronger than me, but she’s on TV. I’m not.
  • New champs were named on Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, and The Voice. I know. You could care less! You hated reality shows. But I missed watching the finales with YOU.
  • I sold the stores. You knew that. It was hard but the right decision. I couldn’t be you. No one can be you. There will never be another Gregger. So I sold the stores and walked away. I’m sorry.
  • I painted the house. I think you would love the color. It looks awesome!
  • I fixed the garage. It wasn’t the sun rotation after all that time! Can you believe it? What was it? 2 years we agonized with that damn door! It was the spring all that time! Oh well…such is life!
  • houseI’m selling the house. We talked about this for how long? It’s just too much for me to be there without you. I see you in every room. I won’t be moving where WE wanted to move, but that’s okay too. Everything’s fixed now. And the house looks better than ever…it’s just not a home anymore. It’s a house.
  • I rented a place in San Diego…by myself. That’s huge! It’s small and simple but I’m testing out the area. There are so many memories here. Last night Lucy and I walked by the Park Hyatt Aviara. Tears streamed down my cheeks as memories flooded back from the most glorious wedding weekend EVER! Rewind please!

I’ve learned that life is one big lesson. I have opened my mind and heart. I have embraced your sweet soul, your kindness, generosity, and compassion to conquer the obstacles in my way. I have learned to release expectations. No expectations, no disappointment, no frustration, no sadness. I’ve learned to cherish the moments. Whatever they may be. Sometimes I want more, but I’ll take the moments. Because in the end, moments are all we really have. So I will cherish every one.

Nine months. It doesn’t get easier. It just gets different. But loving you and missing you will never change.

5