letters of hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

believeSo after all the weeks of waiting, praying, waiting, praying. Tears. Stress. And more tears. The wait was over. I didn’t sleep the night before. Weird dreams. But I remember being at a shower. Ashley was pregnant. Ready to pop. And then I woke up. And realized what day it was. The nerves set in. Stomach rolling. Hands shaking. I went to barre. Spaced out. Headed to OTF. Zoned out. At 11:40, my heart was pounding. I raced out to check my phone. And there it was. Emoticons. “Prayer hands.” One after the other. From Ashley. I sent them back. There was nothing left to do. But wait. And pray. Some more.

I headed home. I offered to sit with her. She wanted to be alone. Tyler was at work. But she said she was okay. 2 more hours. I could manage that. By 3:00 I was ready to jump out of my skin. I was pacing. My nerves were shot. I told myself I wouldn’t meddle. But I was a mama. A worried mama. So I texted.

“Are you okay? Any news? Do you know what time?”

“I’m fine. 3:00.”

“Okay.” And I was back to waiting. A few minutes later my phone beeped. Ashley. My heart pounded out of my chest. She wouldn’t text me the news. Would she?

“They just called. I won’t know until tomorrow.” Ugh! I had to call her. I knew she’d be pissed. I didn’t care. I had to know she was okay. So I dialed.

“You okay?”

“Fine. Hungry. I’m going to eat. I’ll know tomorrow.”

“Will you be at work?”

“I don’t know. Really mom. I’m fine. I’m just hungry and stressed. I just want to go eat and lie down.”

“Okay. Love you.”

believe 1At least 12-24 more hours. This was agony. But if she could do it, I could do it. So I took Angel. Cuddled on the couch. And waited. I tried to watch TV. Blank stare. Tried to crochet. My fingers didn’t work. Tried to sit outside. Too restless. I paced. Looked at the computer. Blank stare. Up. Down. Sit. Stand. Looked at the clock. Maybe an hour had passed. This was going to be a long night. Breathe. I sat with Angel. Stroked her back. Talked to Gregger. Prayed.  Two to three hours passed. I wanted to text Ashley. Call her. Something. But I couldn’t. I just sat in that quiet house. Alone.

Suddenly there was a pounding at my door. UPS. Had to be. I was expecting some packages from Amazon. Couldn’t even remember what I’d ordered. But it was a distraction. Picked Angel up in my arms. Headed to the door. Peeked through the peephole. No one. Must be a package by the door. So we opened. And out jumped the greatest surprise of my lifetime. Ashley holding the most amazing sign!  

Tyler capturing it all. The tears. The  screams. The overwhelming joy. Ashley was PREGNANT!  Dreams do come true. And this pretty much says it all…

I couldn’t wait to write Gregger that night.

June 3rd

Dear Gregger,

YOU DID IT! THEY DID IT! SHE’S PREGNANT!!! You are going to be a grandpa! Thank you, thank you, thank you for watching over her and those babies. I only wish you were here to celebrate this joy. I kind of think you are. I think you are watching. I think you see everything. And you know. So now you have to keep them all safe and healthy. It’s a long road, but they can do it. The kids are so happy. It was so sweet the way they surprised me. I was overcome with tears, joy, and love. The only thing missing was you. I just kept thinking how I wanted you here. Here to celebrate the happiness.

 We all love you and miss you so much. I look for a sign of you every day. And I try to send something back so you can feel my love. I hope you do. Until tomorrow…

Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

prayers 4My stress levels were off the charts. Every day I waited for Ashley’s call. My heart racing. Pounding out of my chest. Good news? Please God. I’d sit in my car. Afraid to move. Afraid if I were driving, I’d break down. I knew the time. Knew when she’d call. So I’d sit. Wait. Think. Pray. I had my songs. My letters. They kept me sane. At least somewhat.

May 20

Dear Gregger:

So today had it’s ups and downs. I struggled so much today. I cried a lot. A lot! I hear songs and they remind me of you. I try to pretend like you are speaking to me. Sending me signs. Messages. There are special songs. And when I hear them, I break down. “The Prayer.” “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” “To Where You Are.” I heard 2 of them today. I needed to. So badly. So Ashley got some news. Two of the eggs fertilized. It could have been better but she’s hoping to hear more tomorrow. Prayers. Prayers. And more prayers. I know you are watching. Taking care of them. We are hoping more will mature and fertilize too. Keep guarding her. Watching over her. I know you will. It’s hard as a mom. It’s hard being here alone. That’s why I’m talking to you now. I know you would know what to do. What to say. I just pray. Constantly.prayer 2

May 21

Dear Gregger:

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I was talking to you all night long. In my dreams. Half awake. Half asleep. I just remember talking to you. And praying. A lot. Today was a little better. Ashley found out that 1 of the eggs that fertilized split and they are still holding hope that another will mature and maybe split. I don’t understand all the terminology but 2 of the eggs were rated “good” which I know is a good thing. We have to keep praying. You have to keep watching and holding your hands over her. I am counting on you. She needs you. I need you. Really we all need you. But that’s the way it always was, right? Maybe we needed you too much. I sometimes feel guilty. Did I push too hard? Did I cause this somehow? Could I have done anything different and changed our situation? I don’t know. I go back and forth, blaming myself. It’s hard not to. It’s hard holding so much inside. From my family. Friends. It hurts. But I understand. So I pray. And I talk to you. I’ll keep saying it over and over, I miss you. I miss you so much. And, as always, I love you. Until tomorrow…

Two more days of waiting, and praying…

prayer 3