Tag: journey

One Step Forward

One Step Forward

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

happy people 5So my blogs have been all over the place lately. I’ve been up, down, over, under, and sideways. I’ve wanted to write and then I’m blocked. The words just don’t come. Or the ones that do, I don’t like. I don’t like what’s on the paper. I write. I delete. And I end up with a blank page. For weeks, maybe longer, it felt negative. Sad. I couldn’t put that out there. Not after I had spent more than a year writing about gratitude, positivity, strength. I felt like a liar. I wasn’t living my words. I knew that was okay. But it felt weak. I wrote about fear. All true. Part of the journey. But in the past week I’ve tried to refocus my energy. My thoughts. My intentions. Numerous, yet unrelated events have led me to this place. I believe the universe keeps putting “things” in my path. Reminders. People. Signs. Whatever these “things” are, they are bringing me back. Back to a better place. A place of peace. Within myself.  present

This past week Facebook sent me a beautiful reminder of the blessings and joyous moments in my life. Three years, five years, seven years ago. Love. Family. Together. Celebrations. Travel. So blessed. Memories that evoke smiles. Heartwarming hugs from the inside out. Instead of missing what I don’t have, I’m focusing on what I did have. How lucky I was. These are the gifts that keep on giving. I can pull them from my memory bank. Spark a smile. A warm fuzzy feeling.

story 2I am reminding myself why I started writing in the first place. Honor Gregger’s memory. Our life together. And to help me move on. So I’ve been stuck. It’s part of the journey. I will get stuck again. I’m sure of it. But I’m learning. Accepting. Not getting caught up. Not thinking “failure.” It’s okay. It’s life. And tomorrow’s another day. Another day to get it right. Or just do it another way. Whatever works. Just try.

I’ve met so many along this journey. Everyone has a story. Something. You never know the life a person has lived until you are in their shoes. Never judge. You never know their pain. Or their sadness. Smile at them. Talk to them. You never know how a kind word can brighten someone’s day. So many strangers have brightened mine. And I hope I’ve returned the favor without even knowing. But these stories opened my eyes. I’m not alone. So I can grieve. I can be sad. But I can also be happy. Move on. And focus on today. Because I can’t change the past. I can’t control the future. I can only be in the moment. And make the best of whatever that happens to be. So for today, I’ll make it a good one. I hope you do too. Happy Sunday! 

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On Being Strong…The Long Ride

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

“When times get tough, the key is not to stay strong…the key is to stay grateful.”

courage 4In a moment, gratitude was my only choice. I focused on the blessings. The life we had together. Almost 40 years. Our kids. Our true blessings. It was time to go. Time to say goodbye. I didn’t know if I could do it. I wanted to stay forever. To be with him. We went to the beach. One last time. We wrote letters. Buried them in the deep blue water. He would see them. Feel them.  We held hands. Hugged. Embraced in strength. A powerful force. We watched the sunset. We watched the sunrise. One last time. I’d be back. Someday. But Gregger was with me. Giving me courage. Strength.

courageNow came the test. Fly home as a widow. No one to hold my hand when the air got choppy. No one to lean on when my eyes got weary. Or not the one I thought would always be there. I leaned against the glass. I opened and closed my fist. I reached for his hand. I never slept. A single tear slipped down my face. I wiped it quickly. I did not want my kids to see. No fear. Be strong. Courageous. I could do this. Gregger was with me. He would guide me. Six hours later we were home. A new chapter had begun.

First step. Getting into Gregger’s car. His smell. His things. Sunglass case. Suit rack. Meticulous. He should be driving. He should be taking us home. But he wasn’t there. We were going alone. We could do this. It would be okay. And as we drove up to the house, my heart was pounding. Out of my chest. And then I saw. My brother. Standing by the garage. I was so grateful. Another blessing. Family. Love. Strength. He was my pillar. He would take us home. Into our home. We would not have to be alone. We would be okay.

I buried my head in his shoulders. I sobbed. But, in that moment, I felt strong. He was there to comfort. Support. And guide me. Forever grateful.

To be continued…

gratitude and strength

strength

On Being Strong…It’s a Journey

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

“When life changes to be harder, change yourself to be stronger. What hurts you today, makes you stronger tomorrow.”

being strong 4So life changed. In the blink of an eye. I didn’t have time to think. Everything was coming at me so fast. STOP! Let me breathe. Absorb. Understand. So we stayed. In the house. In Wailea. The house that was supposed to bring so much joy. The beach. Relax. Rejoice. Remember. But in this space, we found peace. And in the peace I found strength. Strength to deal. With my tears. My childrens’ tears. The loss. I felt Gregger all around me. I knew he was there. And it comforted me. I knew he was okay. And I knew that in time, I’d be okay too. For three days we sat. Silent. Hours upon hours. Chairs in the sand. We stared at the blue sky. Wispy clouds drifting in the distance. Waves slapping at the shore. Others snorkeling. Paddleboarding. Swimming. Splashing. Having fun. We were oblivious to the noise. We felt alone. But it was okay. When late afternoon came, we hated leaving. We wanted to sit by the water. All day. All night. We felt closer. To Gregger.  being strong

I remember thinking, I can’t eat. I’m not hungry. I don’t need food. But then I realized, I must. I had to be strong. I couldn’t let my kids down by giving up. I had to be better. Better than I’d ever been. Stronger than I’d ever been. I had to take care of myself. Because if I didn’t do it now, who would? My rock was gone. Now it was only me. But that strength was there. I could do it. I just had to believe.

And then it was time to go. Another test. Would I pass? I wasn’t sure. This was a journey I never wanted to take. Or one I never imagined…

To be continued…

being strong 3

Grief Journey

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

truthI heard an interesting term the other day. “Grief work.” Apparently it is the response to grief. Makes sense. It’s a lot of work. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Simply draining at times. But, I’d rather think in terms of “Grief Journey.” The act of traveling from one place to another. From heartache to harmony. Mourning to tranquility. Whether “work” or “journey” you still have the same bumps. Hurdles. Peaks and valleys. But a journey is a passage to a different place. Something new. A journey requires an open mind. An open heart. The most predictable part of grief. It’s unpredictable. It comes on like a raging storm. Or rolls in with slow brewing irritability. For days, weeks, the ride is steady. Serene. And then thunder strikes. Lightning is not far behind. Wham. So the journey begins. I realize now it’s a long road. So I might as well enjoy the ride. Learn. Live. And just be. But for others on this journey, find your path. Follow it. You may get lost. There may be detours. But hop back on. It’s the only way to make it through. Grief Journey. Year Two.

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  1. Reality sucks. But acceptance is strength. I know Gregger is gone. I accept the loss. But I can feel his presence. I recognize the signs. Openness of mind, heart, body and soul equal strength.
  2. I talk. I feel. I cry. I scream. Feel the pain. The anger. The sadness. It frees me to feel at peace.
  3. Be okay by myself. It doesn’t mean I miss Gregger any less. It doesn’t mean I love him any less. He is gone. I must be okay. I must move on. I must be okay. He would want that for me. I want that for myself. It is the only way to continue my “journey.”
  4. Have faith. Just because the worst happened doesn’t mean I can’t believe good won’t come to me. I have to believe.
  5. Build new relationships. I can’t stay stuck. It is part of the journey. This is the hardest part for me. I must find the strength. To open myself. My heart. My soul.
  6. This is just a small part of the journey. A work in progress. Daily lessons. One step forward. One day at a time. Patience. Understanding. Compassion. I can do it. I know I can. If you believe. Have faith. And hope. You can too.

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