”No matter where you are on your journey, that’s exactly where you need to be. The next road is always ahead.”
So for four weeks I needed to just be. I needed to feel. To laugh. To cry. To sit in the silence. I was surrounded by memories. Overwhelmed. Gregger was everywhere. A million reminders of our life together. I sorted through the “stuff.” What to save. What to toss. Everything was symbolic. Significant. Meaningful. But it was time to purge. I just wasn’t ready to let go. To some they were “things.” To me, a lifetime. Cards. Letters. Notes. His handwritten words. It was all I had left. I read them over and over. The message was the same. He wanted more time. With me. The kids. Tackling the daunting task of facing Gregger’s drawers, I was overwhelmed by the treasures buried beneath his underwear, socks, sweaters, and magnificent silk pocket squares. Tattered cards. Yellowed, faded envelopes. Hand-scrawled letters dating back 41 years! Airmail postage still intact. Folded notes. From me. The kids. Every last one. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Father’s Day. Just Because I Love You. Really? I knew I was sentimental. I saved them all. But I had no idea! Guys just don’t save those things. They read and toss. Right? Not Gregger. And this was my gift. A reminder of our life. Our love. Something for me to hold on to, just when I needed it most. Just when I was falling apart and needed to hear his voice. It came to me.
Amongst the piles of cards and letters, one stood out. “I don’t need a special holiday to tell you how much I love you.” And the words inside brought me to tears. It was always the same. He was a giver. A doer. But, in the end, what he really wanted was more time.
Dear Mikki,
I found this card and I could not pass it up. You have put up with me through another retail holiday season. I know it has not been easy, but overall (not sure what that meant!) you have been terrific! You certainly have learned not only to cope with it, but have learned how to handle me. This has been a very stressful time for me. Not only have I not been able to spend time with the person I care about most, but I could not find that special gift that YOU deserve. You know it means very much to me to enjoy this day with you and the kids. You told me once that buying a present was supposed to be fun, so my present is to spend a WHOLE day with YOU. To me that would be the MOST FUN! I love you very much!
We got that day. And more along the way. But if I’d only known. I would have cherished every moment so much more. I would have held on tighter. Let things go. And just been the two of us. Every. Single. Time. I can’t go back. But I can hold onto those memories. Remember his words. His smile. And his huge heart.
To be continued…
