Tag: family

Letters-of-Hope-Continued

Letters of Hope Continued…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

emptyIn the space of waiting, I realized the emptiness of the “second year.” It became quieter. Lonlier. Sometimes I felt detached. From family. Friends. It was easier just to keep to myself. Go inside. And bury myself there. It was safe. But so empty. So I turned to Gregger. For comfort. It was just a difficult time. One I would figure out. And smile on the other side.

May 31

Dear Gregger,

Well today marks 21 months since you’ve been gone. It feels like forever. Feels like a lot longer than 21 months. I’ve had ups, downs, and in betweens. I think it’s going to get easier and then it gets harder than ever. This is definitely one of those times. It will never get easy. Never. It will never be the same. Never. I say it over and over again, but the things that never change are: I miss your voice. I miss your kiss. I miss holding your hand. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I even miss your snore. I miss my best friend. There will never be another. No one could ever be the yin to my yang like you.

I spend a lot of time alone. Thinking. Missing you. But, these days, most of all, worrying. Worrying about Ashley. Tyler. And those babies. I started taking spin classes. You know how much I hate the bike. I think of you the whole time I’m riding. I think about how much you’d love the class. I picture your face in front of me. I picture riding to you. I picture riding with you. I close my eyes and see you there. And then I pray. I pray to you. I pray for the kids. Today I focused on positive thoughts. Positive. Positive. Positive. So I’m sending that energy to you. I’m sending that energy so you can spread all the “positive” love around. Watch over your “babies” – your little girl and her little ones. Keep them safe. I miss you and love you more than ever…until tomorrow…

positiveJune 1

Dear Gregger,

I’m a wreck. My nerves are all over the place. My stomach is in knots. I hope I can hold it together. I am trying so hard. I distracted myself tonight and went to my little friend’s baseball game. Little league. Just like when our boys played. Cute. Kids throwing balls helter-skelter. Running around the bases and not knowing where they’re going. Crying when they strike out. Funny. Distractions. But then it was over. And I came home. Quiet house. Lonely house. And back to nerves. I think about you. I talked a lot about you tonight. With Suzy. Two years ago at this time we were in NYC. Walking in Central Park. Brunching at The Smith. My how time changes. Life changes. I hold onto those precious memories like diamonds. Gold. Treasures.

I haven’t talked to Ashley for a few days. We’ve texted. I’m trying to keep my distance. I don’t want to pressure her. Make her anymore nervous. I know her nerves are crazy. So I’m asking, once again, keep her calm. I know she reaches for you. She senses you. She feels your presence. So does Tyler. My nightly prayer. Keep them safe. The “babies.” All of them. We all miss you. Life on this planet will never shine as bright. It is missing your glow. So shine your light on them. I love you so much…until tomorrow…June 2

empty 2Dear Gregger,

Well this has been one crazy day. Of course my nerves are bonkers – not even sure if I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I heard so many songs today that made me think you were speaking to me through the radio. I sing along as if I’m talking back. I always wonder if you hear me. The tears flowed. They always do. My heart aches. It always does. I never thought it could hurt that bad. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. But here’s the craziest. I went to get these crazy things put in my hair. You would probably laugh. But it’s the only silly thing I can do right now. The only thing that brightens up my day. Gives me a little sparkle. Really. I’m sitting there just chatting with Sarah (the girl who does my hair) about NY. She and her girlfriend are going there next week. All of sudden I felt a jolt. My spinal cord stimulator turned on, full blast, by itself! I was looking around trying to figure out how it happened. There was nothing. It just started up. Tingling sensations all the way from my waist to the tips of my toes. I was freaking out. I almost thought you were there. You were doing it. I don’t know. What other explanation could there be? It’s happened two other times. Once at the airport in Hawaii. That time I really believe you did it. There was no other explanation. It turned off by itself. The second time was in Fry’s grocery store. That was odd. And, again, it turned off by itself. But this time, it turned on and would not turn off. Thank God I had the magnet. Otherwise I’d be stuck. So weird. If it was a sign, I’d take it anytime. I’m open. I can always turn it off. I don’t care. If not, just plain creepy.

positive 2I talked to Ashley today. She’s so nervous. Tomorrow’s the big day. She goes to the doctor at 11:40. I don’t know how long it will take after that. I will be a mess. Please watch over her. Please keep all of them safe. Please bring her happy news. She’s such a great girl. Great daughter. Sweet. Loving. Kind. Bring her happiness. Joy. Love. She and Tyler are so good together. And I know they will be so happy. So watch over all of them. Keep your big arms of love over them. We all miss you so much. I love you…until tomorrow…

I was holding my breath. I don’t think sleep would come for another 24 hours. Maybe longer. Not until we got some news…

To be continued…

Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

waitingTen days of waiting and praying. Waiting and praying. There was nothing else to do. The embryos were implanted. And all we could was wait. Hope. I tried to remain calm. Not for me. But for Ashley. The baby(ies). She didn’t need my stress. She was carrying enough of her own. So I pretended. I smiled. Laughed. And loved. I gave when they wanted me to give. I held back when they needed space. But on the inside. I was struggling. Barely holding on. I wanted time to stop. For 10 days. And then I wanted the news to come. But that’s not the way it works. Life continues. So we did too. And I kept writing. To fill the space. The emptiness.

May 26

Dear Gregger,

Did you know you are on my mind from the minute I open my eyes in the morning until the moment I close them at night? And if I should wake in the middle of the night, you are my very first thought. When I get in my car to drive away, I look for you in the clouds. I listen for you on my radio. I ache to feel your hand in mine. But it isn’t there.

This is such a long, seamless forever waiting game right now. I just wish you were here to calm my nerves, tell me everything would be okay. But you’re not. So I look to you. Talk to you. Pray to you. I try to fill my hours but the quiet moments are lonely without you. Even though we weren’t always together, I knew you were there. I knew you were a phone call away. A text away. So just now when I need you most, it’s a real test. And I’m not doing so well.

But most of my waking hours are spent worrying and praying for Ashley and those little “peanuts.” Please keep your angel wings spread over them to keep them safe. I love you…until tomorrow…waiting 2

May 27

Dear Gregger,

It’s been kind of a strange day. It’s the beginning of a holiday weekend. Memorial Day. Not that we ever did very much but it was always so special to have you for two days in a row. I miss that. It’s crazy to think that having two days was such a big deal for us. Most people have that every weekend. They simply take it for granted. For us it was special. But that’s kind of cool. We appreciated the moments. Sometimes we got a little too hung up on those moments. You wanted them perfect since they were too few and far between, so if we faltered, it seemed as though the day was “messed” up. But I think we finally figured that out. We figured out how to “mess up” and still have fun. How to “mess up” and get back on track. How to “mess up” and still love each other. We had something special. We were so lucky. Most people don’t have what we had once in a lifetime. I hold onto that and count my blessings every day.

I think Ashley and Tyler have it too. They know how to be together. They’ve been dealing with this infertility for nearly 2 years. That takes a toll on a couple. Do you remember? It was hard on us. I can only imagine for them. But they’ve held it together. I would never have known. But I guessed. Not because of anything they showed between them. But just because. I guess it was a mom thing. Intuition. I don’t want them to hurt anymore. I want them to have happiness. Joy. Love. And family. Ashley’s struggling a little with “holding it in,” but she’s holding it together. It’s hard at work. Not to be able to do things. And not to be able to tell people why. But it’s all so hard. Not telling people. Holding it all in. Not knowing. Waiting. So,PLEASE, PLEASE keep watching over her. Please hold her close in your hands and heart. Keep all of them safe. I know you “came to her” a few weeks ago. It meant the world to her. I love you more than ever…until tomorrow…

So the waiting game continued. We went about life trying to be normal. But life was anything but normal. We counted the days. One at a time. Slowly. Slowly. But, as they say, “Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who are patient.” So patient we would be. One day at a time.

choose hope

To be continued…

Moving On…The Tough Days

Moving On…The Tough Days

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

moving on 2Moving on. I thought it would get easier. It didn’t. I slipped. I skidded. I stopped. I shut down. And I just couldn’t write anymore.Thoughts would spin inside my head, but they wouldn’t reach my fingertips. They stopped. Somewhere. Jumbled.  I was too empty. Too lonely. Too alone. Stress was pulling me down. And I had nowhere to go. I kept reaching for Gregger. But he wasn’t there. And I realized he never would be. Ever again. The finality of it all. Scary. Sad. Detached. Should I share that raw emotion? People saw me as strong. Brave. Overcoming the worst of the worst. How could I go backwards? So I shut down. I buried myself inside my head.

I found solace in the space of my car. Music. Special songs. And I remembered. Tears would roll down my cheeks. Sometimes I’d sob uncontrollably. But it was my safe haven. Every morning. And then I’d walk into one of my “happy places” to work out. The tears were replaced by a smile. Fake? Maybe. I put on my “happy face.” No one knew. No one knew what was brewing inside. The turmoil. The heartache. The pain. I learned I could turn it on. And turn it off. I could allow myself to be sad. And then give myself space to be happy. It worked. I wasn’t burying emotions. I wasn’t hiding from them. I wasn’t burdening anyone. I was carrying the weight. But then I was letting it go. It wasn’t always easy, but, for the time being, it worked. And I hung on.  moving on 3

I just felt so stuck. I moved through the motions. I woke up. Got ready. Took care of puppy, Angel. Worked out. Incessantly. Ran errands. Came home. Watched TV. Stupid shows. Went to bed. Woke up. Repeated. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t do anything that required brain function. Concentration. Didn’t work. I was stuck. So I shut down. This was where I stayed for quite a while, until…

to be continued…

moving on 4

Celebration and Survival

Celebration and Survival

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

”The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”

life is a giftThe days and weeks leading up to August 30th were tense. 2 years. You’d think it’d be easier. No. I was anxious. Emotional. Restless. Stressed. My stomach was in knots. My body ached. Anticipation. It does all kinds of crazy things. The BIG day. What would I feel? Would I break down? Could I handle it? AGAIN? The rush of memories. The flashes. Ugh. I just wanted to close my eyes. Wake up on August 31st. But that wasn’t real. That was an escape. And as others told me, the anticipation was far worse than the reality. So true. I survived. Survived. Celebrated. And realized it was all okay. Another year. We made it.

We celebrated what was. Celebrated what was to be. But, most of all, celebrated the day. The now. The being together. The present. That’s what mattered. Family. Sharing. Love. Gregger was with us. He always will be. We saw him in the clouds. We heard him in the ocean waves. We saw signs. We knew. And we smiled. A celebration of life. And all the beautiful gifts he gave to us. His legacy. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be patient. Be forgiving. And, most of all, love with all your heart. So we remember. And carry on…

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Gregger Pitti-Uomo-June-14-606

Here We Go…Year 3

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

gregger 1c

Dear Gregger,

Two years. Is that even possible? It seems like the blink of an eye. And then it seems like an eternity. So much has changed. So much has stayed the same. The one constant. You aren’t here. And I miss you as much as the day you left this earth. My heart still aches. I thought it would get easier. But here’s the thing. It doesn’t. I keep going. I live. Parts of me are even happy at times. But I’m empty. My soul is empty. I just can’t fill that void. I don’t know that I ever will.

I haven’t written for a long time. It was too hard. Too sad. I didn’t want to expose myself. It was easier to hide. Smile. Pretend. And cry behind closed doors. Everyone has their cards. Their issues. Their crap. So mine is mine. I own it. How was this year different? Reality hit. You weren’t coming back. No more celebrations. No more hugs. No more holding hands. No more conversations. The first year? I muddled through the motions. Made changes. Adapted. Held on. But now? Time just passes. Days blend into each other. And then what? Where do I go from here? I don’t know. I feel stuck. My life was with you. My feet were planted. Grounded. And now they’re not. I’m drifting. And I want my feet back on the ground. gregger 1b

The move was good. Some thought I did it too soon. No. It was good for me. It was right. No regrets. I’m growing. I’m learning. I’m building. But it’s slow and steady. You gave me the framework. And I’m so grateful. I’d be flat on my face without that. I’m not. I’m standing. I’m strong. Stronger than I ever believed I could be. Thank you. But year two. It’s been a struggle. Stress. Sickness. Anxiety. Loss. Without you. Alone. That’s a mountain to climb. But I’ve survived. That is success.  

Year three? Who knows. I believe it’s a year of Hope. Happiness. Rebirth. And lots of love. For this family. We are ready. Arms open. Bring it on.

But for today, August 30th, we remember. We remember the loss. The love. And you. A beautiful blessing to all of us. We honor you. The incredible man you were. Husband. Father. Son. Brother. Friend. Humanitarian. The best of the best. Your smile. Your kind, giving heart. Your gentle soul. Forever missed. Forever loved. Forever etched in our memories.

Pitti Uomo June 14' 606

Gregger. 

02.05.1954 – 08.30.2014.

Happy New Year 2016

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Time to Be Better, Do Better

new year 3“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

A new year. New beginnings. Think about the past. Move into the future. Look forward. Look back.  Time for change. Time for reflection. 2015? A blur. The year of “me.” A time to learn. A time to grow. 2016? An empty page. And mine to write.

new yearSo different now. But different can be good. Right? New Year’s. I’d rather look back. Happy times. Look forward? Empty. Lonely. For now. Backwards. Full of memories. Happy times. And lots of love. So for now, I turn that way.  Maybe not my best decision. But, for now, I do. 2016. Maybe that will change.

Gregger and I were never big New Year’s Ever’s. We didn’t go for big  nights on the town. We loved quiet dinners. Stay home. Glass of wine. Jameson’s on the rocks. Cheers to a good year behind. A better year ahead. Kisses. Lots and lots of kisses. We’d make it ’til the ball dropped. “Somewhere.” Never in our hometown. Never “our” midnight. We conked out. But we made our own fun. And we were happy. It was good enough for us. It was enough. Love. Being together. Sharing. Talking. And reminiscing. Good times. The BEST times.

new year 1Funniest New Year’s? 2000. The millennium. The world was supposed to come to an end. Well, mine almost did! Invited to a grand soiree, we decided to go big or go home. So we went big! Dressed to the nines. Ready to party ’til dawn. It was THE PARTY. Full of fun, feast and flair. Only some of the feast did not agree with me. And before midnight hit, I was buried headfirst in the toilet. Violently ill. Not drunk. Food poisoning. UGH! I don’t even remember January 1st, 2000. A foggy dream. I do remember waking on the 2nd to discover a new washer and dryer. Ashley and Gregger had decided that’s what they would do while I was buried under the covers. Why not? When all else fails? Go buy a new washer and dryer.

Other New Year’s. Simple. Family times. Tennis tournaments. Travel. Football. And quiet moments. Or a little crazy. Whatever they were, we were together. That’s all that mattered. And now? I don’t know. I need to figure it out. Where do I want to go? What do I want my life to look like? What do I want to be doing? I’m trying to get there, but some days I feel stuck.

I think about changes. Changes I need to make. Changes I want to make. Resolutions. We all make them. We hear the same old, same old. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Drink less. Spend less. Save more. Wishing and wanting. Ways to improve. To be better, do better. The problem is stick-to-itness. We start. We commit. And then life gets in the way.

Resolutions I’ll never make:

  1. Give up Starbucks or Peets. Addicted!
  2. Stop shopping! Never! 
  3. Eat out ALONE. Never! UGH! Can’t do it!

new year 2So 2016. Show me the way. Resolutions. Simple. The ones that will make me BE BETTER, DO BETTER every day.

  1. Be patient. With myself. My kids. Others.
  2. Be understanding. With myself. My kids. Others.
  3. Be compassionate. With myself. My kids. Others.
  4. Be grateful. Life is full of blessings. I just have to take time every day to see them.
  5. Be 1% better every day. (Thank you Ryan for this great reminder.)
  6. Smile more.
  7. Step out of my shell. My box. My comfort zone. (This is the hardest for me.) We’ll check back in 2017.  
  8. Help others. In whatever ways possible. Give a little more. Do a little more. 
  9. Be better. Do better. Push harder. There’s always a better version of me somewhere.
  10. Find happiness. A new kind. But some kind.
  11. Reach out and touch. Support. My kids. A friend. My mom. My dad. My siblings. Don’t wait for tomorrow.
  12. Get a me-makeover. Change is good, right?
  13. Be present. As much as possible. It’s the road to happiness. The path to peace.

Whatever your plan. Whatever your resolutions. Always do more of what makes YOU happy! Laugh, love and find peace. Be better, do better. Happy New Year 2016!

stepping

merry christmas gregger

Merry Christmas Gregger!

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

xmas 2Merry Christmas Gregger…

I know it’s technically not “our” holiday, but being in retail, we waited for this day all year long. The END of the holiday season. A day off. A family day. A day of togetherness. Happy times. Laughter. And love. So much love. So we celebrated. The joy. The blessings. And us. We loved playing Santa’s elves from the beginning. Do you remember our first Xmas? I have visions of those presents piled around that hideous plaid couch dancing in my head. We were like two little kids. We woke up early in the morning. We couldn’t wait to tear those packages apart. And my dream gift that year? A pair of Frye boots! Light tan with the buckle on the side.  I was cooler than cool thanks to you. You always were the best Santa! 

xmasI miss everything about those days. The simplicity. The dreams. And knowing that we had a lifetime to be together. Or so we thought. This has been a rough holiday season. Tougher than last year. Last year I was pretending. I was muddling through. This year is all too real. I’m reminded over and over that you’re not coming back. Christmas music brings me to tears. But I keep listening. I want to feel the joy. The spirit. I sing along. And the tears escape. It hurts. You aren’t here. And I want you to be. I miss you. Holiday cards? Families. Like we used to be. Everything has become a “used to be.” No longer what is. I loved our holiday cards. One of my favorite parts of the season. A time to share our beautiful family. But now I just open the mailbox to receive cards from others. It makes me sad. Facebook? I should cut myself off. Holiday parties. Festivities. Joyous occasions. Sure, I’d be fighting you to stay home, but one party with you? If only. Couples shopping. Holding hands. Our time. Choosing the perfect gifts. Schlepping from store to store. Filling the trunk. But oh what a wonderful night! And with your schedule, it was usually just one. The spirit of our season. Each year it was the same old, same old. “Smaller holiday.” And BIGGER and BETTER it would be! Today? All I want for Christmas? The only thing I cannot have.

i'm finePeople ask, “Are you ready for the holiday?” I give the perfunctory, “Oh yes.” Or (with a tilt of the head and a quieted tone), “How are you doing?” And I simply say, “I’m fine.”  I appreciate the gestures. The wishes. People don’t know what to say. They are just being nice. And I am grateful for that. So, “I’m fine.” But I’m not. I’m not ready. Not ready to wake up alone. Not ready for you not to be here to celebrate with us. Again. And, no, I’m not fine. I’m an emotional mess. Inside. But I smile. And get on with it. Because it’s better that way. I fall apart in my car. In the middle of a workout. My kitchen. My bed. But outside? I’m fine. Really? I just miss you. I wish you were here. And I hate the fact that you aren’t. But even worse, the fact that you never will be again.

So now that I’ve been a total Scrooge, it’s time to turn that around. I know I’ve lost the BEST part of me. The BEST part of my life. BUT! And that’s a BIG BUT! That’s truly the BEST PART! I was lucky enough to have the BEST for almost 40 years! I was blessed with you as my gift.

  1. I learned to love myself. If I couldn’t love me, how could I be true to others?
  2. I learned to be strong in the toughest of times. (Well, all but a few!)
  3. I learned to appreciate moments. To appreciate life. And to recognize my blessings.
  4. I learned that being a part of “two” takes love, commitment, compassion, understanding, patience, and communication.
  5. I learned to stop. Be silent. Be okay with me.
  6. I learned that gratitude is the greatest gift. It gives back tenfold.
  7. I learned that love so grand, so great, and so full NEVER goes away. You may be gone, but our love will be here forever. I see it. Feel it. And hear it. I know you are here.

So today I am grateful. For our family. Our life. But most of all for you. I hope you are celebrating with all of your family. Cheers! Happy Holiday! I Love You!

xmas 3

Merry Christmas to all!

Wishing everyone happiness, peace, and a day filled with love…

growth

The Second Year…Keep It coming

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

growing 1So year two. Every day is something new. An adventure in learning. In growing. I never know what to expect. But there are things I know for sure.

  1. Wake up every day with a purpose. Simple. Huge. Whatever. Just something.
  2. Actions speak louder than words. It’s not what you say. It’s what you do that really matters.
  3. Life is about dealing with disappointments. Expectations. The way I deal with them can make me or break me. Let it go.
  4. Reality. Being alone sucks. I used to love my alone time. Not so much anymore. Give me one more day with Gregger. I would cherish it more than all my days on earth.
  5. Communicate. It’s the key to ALL relationships. Everything breaks down FAST without it. Talk. Don’t text. Don’t email. TALK. Face to face. Go back to the real stuff. It works.
  6. Listen to my gut. Intuition. It’s usually the truth. It never guides me in the wrong direction.
  7. Memories are treasures. Some make me laugh. Some make me cry. But I never want them to go away.
  8. Some friends stay. Some go. Don’t try to hold on. It hurts. Give energy to the ones who are present.  let go (1)
  9. Family. It matters. In the end, it’s the greatest gift. Hold. On. Tight.
  10. Don’t take things for granted. Nothing is certain. Time. Life. People. Moments.
  11. Be grateful. Take a moment every day just to say “thanks.” For something. It makes sense of the rest of the world. At least it does for me.

growing

 

So year two. I am learning. Something new every day. Today I learned that I love talking about Gregger’s death. The what’s, where’s, why’s, and how’s. It keeps his spirit alive. It brings peace to my day. So don’t be afraid to ask. Don’t be afraid to mention his name. He’s with me. Always. So for today. I’m good. Year two.

the fight is on

The Second Year…The Fight is On!

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

moving on 3Year Two. Just as I hit the road running, I crashed. Head on. I didn’t see it coming. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. Smack in the face. Wham! Not even sure what provoked it. Out of left field. But the tears. Trickle, trickle, stre-a-m, DOWNPOUR! STOP! I’m not supposed to feel this way. This is year two! I’m past this! What the heck. But here we were. The fight was on.

I decided to give in. Let it go. Free myself of sadness. Despair. Longing. It was my only choice. I wouldn’t let it get the best of me.  moving on 2

  1. Slow down. Maybe I’m trying to move too fast. Don’t try to rush the process.
  2. Don’t overthink. Overthinking never ends well.
  3. Stop trying to be superwoman. I can’t be all, do all, for all. Draining. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.
  4. Face the feelings. Don’t stuff. Eventually, it comes to the surface. Let the tears flow.
  5. Laugh. Have fun. It’s really okay.
  6. Realize it’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes I just have those days.
  7. Stop being so hard on myself. I am my biggest critic. Give myself credit for how far I’ve come.
  8. Make friends with time. It’s not always my friend. It softens the pain, but it also makes me realize what I’m missing. It goes too fast. I don’t want it to slip through my fingers. I want it to stop. Slow down. But it just keeps going. Without me.
  9. Make friends with me. I have to be my best friend. I’m the one who’s here.
  10. Get rid of the guilt. It’s just weighing me down. I can’t change the past. I can only begin again.
  11. Realize every day is a new beginning. It’s my choice how I use it!

Okay, year two…bring it on!

moving on (1)

a new year

A New Year

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

new beginningsLast week marked the beginning of a New Year. Not the one with midnight cheers, champagne, and football. But one with similarities. The Jewish New Year. Rosh Hashanah, a time for resolutions, new beginnings.  I don’t typically pay attention to this. I wish others well. Send cards (on occasion). I have a fleeting thought. But I am not observant. I don’t go to temple. I don’t do big family dinners. We really never did. Maybe we should have. It just didn’t happen.

So why am I thinking about it this year? A time of reflection. Soul searching. New beginnings. What better time to reflect than now? What better time to start fresh? Every day is a new beginning for me. Why not look at this as a sweet beginning?

forgive 2It is also a time for forgiveness. Freedom. Letting go. “I’m sorry.” Two of the hardest words to say. Often two of the hardest words to accept. But without forgiveness, we stay trapped. So many times I believed stronger, bigger, better. Anger and resentment protected me from hurt. But, in reality, I was the prisoner. Consumed with negativity. Distrust. The only way out was letting go. But forgiveness does NOT excuse, justify or forget. Forgiveness shows us the path to peace.

What about self-forgiveness? Tough. Nearly impossible. Another trap. If I mess up, I’m a bad (wife, mom, friend, daughter, fill in the blank!). Not so. It’s part of life. I messed up. Or I did the best I could. Whatever the case. Own up. Make amends. Learn and let it go. Beating myself up. Pointless. Useless. Forgive. Find peace.

So as this New Year begins, I will seek peace. Through new beginnings. Forgiveness. And acceptance. Of those I love. And, mostly, myself.

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Happy New Year! May it be a happy and healthy one for all!