Tag: beginnings

starting over

The Second Year…Starting Over

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

death year 2 2As I roll into year two, I wonder, what will be different? Instead of climbing upward, I seem to be spiraling down. Not a great feeling. I thought I had a handle. Thought I was in control. Two hands on the wheel. Steering straight ahead. But there’s a fork in the road. And I’m not sure which way to turn. Right? Left? Ugh! No one gave me a road map for this. No directions on how to get through. So I close my eyes, turn and see where I land.

So here’s the deal. The first year I was cruising. I kind of knew what to expect. All the grieving process. They tell you about it. Whatever you feel, it’s okay. Denial. Check. Anger. Check. Bargaining. Check. Depression. Never got there. Acceptance. Check. And now I’ve graduated. Second year. A milestone in my grief journey. But here’s reality. It’s harder. It’s real.  

Year one. In some ways, that was the easy year. I had excuses. Greg had just died. I was dealing. One month. Three months. Six months. Whatever the time. I was dealing. And everyone was okay with that. Right away people were there. Lots of people. And slowly they disappeared. They had their own lives. Life goes on. And so did they. I got it. Some people stayed. But I needed to find my way. Discover me. I started the journey. Writing. My road to discovery. I wrote about our love. Our past. Our memories. Gregger. It kept everything alive. But now what? I want to keep writing. It’s my way of talking. When there’s no one here, I can “tap, tap, tap” away. I can erase, rewrite, over and over again. No one answers back. But I get to empty out my brain. I lovingly call this my “drug of choice.” Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

SAMSUNG
SAMSUNG

I survived the first year. Yeah me! But now I’m faced with a whole new set of circumstances. Suddenly things are very real. Undeniable. I know he’s gone, but I still keep expecting him to show up. My head knows he won’t. But my heart wishes he will. I don’t want to believe. But I know I must. And that’s the real truth. Battle of brain and heart. And not a damn thing I can do about it.

I passed all the tests. I’ve taken care of things all year. “B.S.” crap. Things I never thought I’d be able to handle. But I did. Yeah me! I’m proud of myself, but I never wanted the job. Still don’t.

So the part that still sucks. Every morning I get in my car. I’m okay. And then some “mushy” song comes on. And there’s Gregger. All around me. My heart beats. Fast. I see him in the clouds. I hear him in my head. And I fight back the tears. It still happens. Year two.

I feel uncertain. I made decisions. I made changes. But now what? Where do I go from here? I made it through year one. Now, what do I do in year two? What’s the game plan? All of a sudden I feel lost again. Gregger, I need you back to tell me what to do. But you’re not coming. I must figure this out alone. And that’s the part that sucks. Reality.

I’ve lost time. What happened to the past year? Where did it go? Did I just lose it? What will happen to the next year? And the one after that? I don’t just want them to fly away with grief. I want to live. I know the sadness will creep in. I know I will cry. I know I will be angry. But in between those moments there has to be life. I don’t want to lose any more time. It’s far too precious.  death year 2

My patience is waning. With people, things, myself. Little things. Stupid things. I need to breathe. Take a moment. Realize that it will be okay. I don’t like this side of me. But I need to accept. It’s all part of the process. Grief.

I need a plan. Something to look forward to. A future. Something with promise. Anything but just “being.” I’m not sure what that is. When I know, it will be exciting.

This is a beginning. Facing the truth. Reality. Watch out year 2. I’m coming.

death year 2 3

new beginnings

New Beginnings

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

new beginnings 2Most frequently asked question, “Why did you move to San Diego?” Friends? Family? Neither. The truth. New beginnings. Second most frequently asked question, “Do you like living in San Diego?” YES. “Why?” The people. “What is different?” They are kind. Compassionate. Welcoming. But, in all truth, I believe it’s also me. I am looking at life through different lenses. You’d think it would be colorless. Less focused. Isolated. But it’s not. It’s brighter. Clearer. But something else has changed. Me. I am different. I’ve tried to put my finger on it. And I think I finally figured it out. It goes back. Way back. Probably back to when I was a child.

I was shy. As a child, I held up my hand for people to kiss me. Don’t get too close. The walls were up. Brick. Glass. Hard. Protection. If they didn’t get close, they couldn’t hurt me. As I got older, people judged me as reserved. Cold. Snobby. I was not. Never. I was scared. Afraid of getting hurt. Lacking self-esteem. Did Not Believe In Myself. Gregger did. He pounded it into my head. I just didn’t get it. He’d tell me I could do anything, be anything. He tried to convince me I was worth more than I made myself out to be. I never believed it. I believed him. Just not “it.” I tried. I’m getting it now. I wish I could tell him. But I think he knows. I hope he does. I hope he knows what he did for me. Gave me the strength to be “me.”new beginning

I was always somebody else’s “something or other.” “Nancy and Buddy’s” daughter, “Greg’s wife,” “Adam, Ryan, and Ashley’s mom.” I never really thought about it until now. Growing up, it was, “who are your parents?” Living in Scottsdale, it was, “What do you do?” I was either, “Greg’s wife” or the “kid’s mom.” We owned the businesses, but they were all Gregger, not me. Don’t get me wrong. I loved my roles. I loved who I was. I just never realized, I was never just me.  

But moving to a new city, I was just Mikki. No background. No baggage. No walls. Whatever I handed out was up to me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. You know that. I don’t hide. My thoughts. Emotions. The good. Bad. Ugly. Sad. I tell it all. So I’ve put it out here too. People see me for me. I tell my story. And then I move on. A new beginning. The walls have come tumbling down. And it feels so good. Thank you Gregger. For teaching me. For loving me. For believing in me. I carry you in my heart. Every. Single. Day.

new beginnings 3

A Letter to Myself…Celebrations and Endings

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

Dear 19-year-old Mikki,

2013. Your story continues. You will have a momentous year. A year of celebrations. Milestones. Surprises. Lots of surprises. “Remember to celebrate milestones as you prepare for the road ahead.” That’s what you do. You are preparing. You don’t know it. But you are. You are packing the year with joyous occasions. Love. Happy times. Family. Your heart will be overflowing. Bursting. Cherish that feeling. Embrace it. EVERY. Moment. You have. You will know why soon enough.

IMG_0370You will surprise hubby for his 60th birthday. The first big surprise in 40 years of togetherness. And you accomplish this huge task straight from your hospital bed. He won’t have a clue. This is more important to you than anything you’ve ever done for him. Forget how you feel. Forget the pain. Focus on the joy of the celebration. You succeed. And it is the happiest night of hubby’s life. He ranks it with your wedding, the birth of your children, and your daughter’s wedding. You pull it off without a glitch! “Life should not only be lived. It should be celebrated.” And so you do. You will dance. You will sing. Like it’s the last time you’ll celebrate. Life is funny that way. Not really.

Six months later. Your hubby will do the same for you. In a BIG way. You will feel overwhelmed. Don’t. He loves giving. You must learn to take. Treasure the celebration. Surprises. Joy. Embrace your family. Blessings. You see them everywhere. Your birthday is just a number. Your life feels better than ever. And you believe it can only go up from there. Little do you know…  DSC_0453

It’s a wild and crazy year. Hubby is running himself into the ground. You worry about him. More than usual. You will tell him to take care of himself. Sleep more. Eat better. Relax. He doesn’t. He is going at breakneck speed. Sleeping four hours a night. Running the business. Traveling. Being a dad. A husband. Trying to be superman. Do it all. Nobody can. But you can’t tell him. You try.

IMG_1255Vacation. Finally arrives. Family time. Hubby time. It’s been a long time. But he will bring work. He can’t break away. You say you understand. But your heart breaks. For him. You know he is struggling. His heart is one place. His mind is another. You wonder. You wish. But you can’t change him. Almost 40 years. He is who he is and you love him. That’s the best part. So you give him space. For four days. You will want him with you every minute. But he’s not. And days later, you’ll realize it was for nothing. You and the kids spend time at the beach. He will spend time in the house working. He will meet you in the afternoon. At night. It’s not the dream vacation. Yet. And then the work is done. You will have time. Or maybe not.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

You will plan a perfect day together. A fun-filled family day. Load up the mini-van. A beach day. Sun. Sand. Snorkeling. Someone has told hubby about a beach on the other side of the island. He will insist you explore. It’s finally his day. You concede. You will drive for what seems like forever. You will get annoyed. You will be disappointed. You will decide to leave and go back to the original plan. Probably a good decision. Always listen to your gut. Your intuition is 99% right. Go with it. If you would have stayed put, well…let’s not think about it. You will settle on the beach. Finally. Hubby looks happy. But he will have some business to attend to. Personal. Calling his sister. It’s the 10th anniversary of his mom’s passing. He always talks to his sis on that date. She will not answer. He will be disappointed, but he is ready to enjoy the sun, sand, and surf. Snorkel with his boys. You and your girl are going to chill in the sand. He will hug you tight. You will snap it for memory sake. Good decision. He will tell you he loves you. You will tell him you love him too. He will do the same with his little girl. And then he will run off. Snorkel in hand. Grinning ear to ear. You will have butterflies. You want him to have a vest. They won’t be giving them out that day. He will insist that he is okay.DSC_0059

And then you will hear the sounds. “Help. Call 911.” You will not know where they are coming from. You will not realize what you are hearing. But then you will. You will panic. You will run. You will race to the water’s edge. And you will see. Something you never want to see. Hubby’s bathing suit. His face. And something not right. In one moment in time, your life will change. You will scream. Strangers will hug you. Hold you tight. You will not know what is happening. But soon you will. And life will never be the same again.

To be continued…

DSC_0067

orange theory fitness

Falling in Love Again…Not with a Who, but a What!

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

beach 2 (1)I have fallen in love again. Not with a who, but a what! San Diego. I have truly fallen in love with this city. The beauty, the charm, the weather, the people! June 11th marked my one-month anniversary. I may have given some the impression that I was unhappy, melancholy, lonely. No. I LOVE it here. As I’ve said before,”Some days just really SUCK! But bad days don’t last forever. They make the good ones seem GREAT!” For every bad day, I have six good ones. I’d say that’s a winning record, so I’ll keep going in that direction. I’ve met some wackos, but I’ve met some amazing people. Nice people. Kind people. Generous people. The kind of people who put their hands and hearts out for strangers and welcome them to a new city.

strength 2Truth be told, I don’t miss the scorching temps of Arizona summer heat! Don’t get me wrong. I love Phoenix/Scottsdale! We fell in love in Tempe, raised a family in Scottsdale, and grew a business in Phoenix. What is there not to love? 40 years of awesomeness! But without Gregger, it was lonely. People ask me, “Why San Diego?” It must be because my kids live here. NO! Actually, we have yet to spend a day together. Ashley landed a new job and is slammed. They have their own lives. I have to make my own too.

treadmillI was lucky enough to walk back into a place I have always called “home.” It’s a place that would be “home” in any city, but here, it has made my life easy. There’s no better way to kick start my mornings. PO-WER WORK-OUT! The BEST workout in the U-S of A! No, I don’t work for the company, nor do I get paid for promotions. I simply LOVE the way this place embraces every person who walks in their doors. It’s like hanging with BEST friends on a daily basis. From desk to trainers to work-out cronies. I felt welcome from day one over 3 1/2 years ago, and I feel just as welcome today. I knew when I moved to San Diego that this would be my base. A welcoming place. A social place. A friendly place. I knew I could walk in the doors and be okay with all the other crap going on in my life. No one knew my story. I could choose to tell or not to tell. I could just be me. Whatever “me” I chose to be. The first few days I stood with my head low, waiting for class to start. Walls were up. I was closed off. But slowly those walls broke down, and in a matter of days I was meeting the kindest people. Loving, good-hearted, welcoming people. It’s just that kind of place.

weightsToday, as any other day, I couldn’t wait to get to my “happy place.” I couldn’t wait to get my butt kicked. Sweat. Feel good. I was rockin’ it on the treadmill. Run to row. Squat presses and back again. Killer workout. And then the music changed. “Happy.” Gregger’s song. I was pumping it out and suddenly my heart pounded out of my chest. Tears welled up in my eyes. I was smiling and tearing all at once. My heart was beating. I could feel him pushing me. And I could see his smile. That’s the Gregger song. That’s the “Happy” song. Infectious happiness that makes you smile. Ultimate Gregger. Reminding me to be happy, smile, and keep on pushing. It was one of those weird moments. But they happen. They will always happen. But I was in my happy place. Hearing my “happy” song.

OTF-LogoSo I’ll continue to go back to my happy place. And what is this place? ORANGETHEORY FITNESS!  I’ll get my butt kicked. I’ll sweat. But I’ll smile. Feel good. OT is about one step at a time. One minute, 30 seconds. The base, the push, the all-out. LIFE. On my tough days, I use the OT approach. Bad day? Dig deep for one minute, one hour, one day, one week. Push through, all out effort and I’m stronger the next time I get knocked on my butt. Focus on what’s in front of me. The moment. The now. Every day I grow a little stronger, physically and emotionally. More self-confident. More powerful. More in control of my life. More in control of “me.” More patient. I meet new people. But more than that, I leave feeling good from the inside out. What a great way to start the day! After that, it’s all uphill!

So thanks, San Diego. Thanks, OT. Thanks for helping me fall in love again. Not with a who, but a WHAT! It’s a start and it feels darn good!

strength