Author: Mikki Eveloff

I am certainly no princess, but I did marry my Prince Charming. We had the once upon a time and the “almost” happily ever after until August 30th, 2014 when my Prince Gregger died tragically on the beach in Maui. I believe in fairytales. I believe in fate. I believe that “everything happens for a reason.” We planned a lifetime together…75 years to be exact. Someone or something changed our plans and gave us a new “ever after.” So here I am. I am still a wife, but now they call me a widow. I am a mom and grandma…three children, two in-laws, and two grandchildren. Life has changed and it’s time to move forward. It doesn’t stop, it keeps on going, so I do too. It’s my choice. Be happy, be grateful. It’s the only choice. I have a treasure trove of memories to share..it’s how I keep the happily ever after alive. A True Love Fairytale is 40 years of memories…it’s the essence of our happily ever after. It’s the imperfections of our perfect marriage. And it’s what makes today beautiful.
curve-balls

Curve Balls

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imageDeath taught me “that tomorrow is not real, and yesterday is no longer here. It made me realize that living inside my comfort zone means that I don’t appreciate life as much as I should. It taught me to respect my sunrises and my sunsets. To dance when music is playing. To laugh at least two times a day and to say I love you even when I am mad at someone. Because at the end of this, nothing else will matter.”

Just as I was trying to figure out a way to pull myself out of this “funk,” life threw me another curve ball. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I just wanted to ride on cruise control. A month. A week. At this point, I’d be happy with a few days. So I wasn’t prepared when Ashley and Tyler came over and hit me with their “tough” news. Something a mama never wants to see. Feel. Hear. Her kids hurting. Struggling. Trying to get pregnant. But it wasn’t working. Two years. I suspected. For a while. Tried to keep it to myself. Maybe nudged a few times here and there. But I knew it was their thing. Not mine. I just know (personally) what it feels like to want a baby and somehow it’s just not working. It sucks. And then there are all the people asking, “So when are you guys going to get pregnant? Do you want kids?” Posts of friends having babies. Getting pregnant. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. So their pain became my pain. In a matter of seconds. I tried to hold back the tears. It was tough. I didn’t want them to see my pain. So there we were. What can I do? How can I help? I’m here. For whatever. Just tell me. I felt helpless. But wanted to be so helpful. All at once. But there was a plan. Doctor’s appointment set. And then we’d see. Fingers crossed. Prayers started. That’s really all there was left for me to do. Or so I thought…

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The minute they walked out the door, I broke down. Tears. Shaking, sobbing tears. Not for me. For them. That motherly feeling of helplessness. Ugh. I wanted Gregger. Why wasn’t he here? I  needed him. To talk to. To hold my hand. To lay my head on his shoulder. To tell me everything would be okay. But he wasn’t. So there I was. Alone. I couldn’t share this with anyone. Silent. Secrets. Stress overload. And a total game of wait and see.

To be continued…

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Moving On…The Tough Days

Moving On…The Tough Days

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moving on 2Moving on. I thought it would get easier. It didn’t. I slipped. I skidded. I stopped. I shut down. And I just couldn’t write anymore.Thoughts would spin inside my head, but they wouldn’t reach my fingertips. They stopped. Somewhere. Jumbled.  I was too empty. Too lonely. Too alone. Stress was pulling me down. And I had nowhere to go. I kept reaching for Gregger. But he wasn’t there. And I realized he never would be. Ever again. The finality of it all. Scary. Sad. Detached. Should I share that raw emotion? People saw me as strong. Brave. Overcoming the worst of the worst. How could I go backwards? So I shut down. I buried myself inside my head.

I found solace in the space of my car. Music. Special songs. And I remembered. Tears would roll down my cheeks. Sometimes I’d sob uncontrollably. But it was my safe haven. Every morning. And then I’d walk into one of my “happy places” to work out. The tears were replaced by a smile. Fake? Maybe. I put on my “happy face.” No one knew. No one knew what was brewing inside. The turmoil. The heartache. The pain. I learned I could turn it on. And turn it off. I could allow myself to be sad. And then give myself space to be happy. It worked. I wasn’t burying emotions. I wasn’t hiding from them. I wasn’t burdening anyone. I was carrying the weight. But then I was letting it go. It wasn’t always easy, but, for the time being, it worked. And I hung on.  moving on 3

I just felt so stuck. I moved through the motions. I woke up. Got ready. Took care of puppy, Angel. Worked out. Incessantly. Ran errands. Came home. Watched TV. Stupid shows. Went to bed. Woke up. Repeated. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t do anything that required brain function. Concentration. Didn’t work. I was stuck. So I shut down. This was where I stayed for quite a while, until…

to be continued…

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Celebration and Survival

Celebration and Survival

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”The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”

life is a giftThe days and weeks leading up to August 30th were tense. 2 years. You’d think it’d be easier. No. I was anxious. Emotional. Restless. Stressed. My stomach was in knots. My body ached. Anticipation. It does all kinds of crazy things. The BIG day. What would I feel? Would I break down? Could I handle it? AGAIN? The rush of memories. The flashes. Ugh. I just wanted to close my eyes. Wake up on August 31st. But that wasn’t real. That was an escape. And as others told me, the anticipation was far worse than the reality. So true. I survived. Survived. Celebrated. And realized it was all okay. Another year. We made it.

We celebrated what was. Celebrated what was to be. But, most of all, celebrated the day. The now. The being together. The present. That’s what mattered. Family. Sharing. Love. Gregger was with us. He always will be. We saw him in the clouds. We heard him in the ocean waves. We saw signs. We knew. And we smiled. A celebration of life. And all the beautiful gifts he gave to us. His legacy. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be patient. Be forgiving. And, most of all, love with all your heart. So we remember. And carry on…

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Gregger Pitti-Uomo-June-14-606

Here We Go…Year 3

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Dear Gregger,

Two years. Is that even possible? It seems like the blink of an eye. And then it seems like an eternity. So much has changed. So much has stayed the same. The one constant. You aren’t here. And I miss you as much as the day you left this earth. My heart still aches. I thought it would get easier. But here’s the thing. It doesn’t. I keep going. I live. Parts of me are even happy at times. But I’m empty. My soul is empty. I just can’t fill that void. I don’t know that I ever will.

I haven’t written for a long time. It was too hard. Too sad. I didn’t want to expose myself. It was easier to hide. Smile. Pretend. And cry behind closed doors. Everyone has their cards. Their issues. Their crap. So mine is mine. I own it. How was this year different? Reality hit. You weren’t coming back. No more celebrations. No more hugs. No more holding hands. No more conversations. The first year? I muddled through the motions. Made changes. Adapted. Held on. But now? Time just passes. Days blend into each other. And then what? Where do I go from here? I don’t know. I feel stuck. My life was with you. My feet were planted. Grounded. And now they’re not. I’m drifting. And I want my feet back on the ground. gregger 1b

The move was good. Some thought I did it too soon. No. It was good for me. It was right. No regrets. I’m growing. I’m learning. I’m building. But it’s slow and steady. You gave me the framework. And I’m so grateful. I’d be flat on my face without that. I’m not. I’m standing. I’m strong. Stronger than I ever believed I could be. Thank you. But year two. It’s been a struggle. Stress. Sickness. Anxiety. Loss. Without you. Alone. That’s a mountain to climb. But I’ve survived. That is success.  

Year three? Who knows. I believe it’s a year of Hope. Happiness. Rebirth. And lots of love. For this family. We are ready. Arms open. Bring it on.

But for today, August 30th, we remember. We remember the loss. The love. And you. A beautiful blessing to all of us. We honor you. The incredible man you were. Husband. Father. Son. Brother. Friend. Humanitarian. The best of the best. Your smile. Your kind, giving heart. Your gentle soul. Forever missed. Forever loved. Forever etched in our memories.

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Gregger. 

02.05.1954 – 08.30.2014.

One Step Forward

One Step Forward

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happy people 5So my blogs have been all over the place lately. I’ve been up, down, over, under, and sideways. I’ve wanted to write and then I’m blocked. The words just don’t come. Or the ones that do, I don’t like. I don’t like what’s on the paper. I write. I delete. And I end up with a blank page. For weeks, maybe longer, it felt negative. Sad. I couldn’t put that out there. Not after I had spent more than a year writing about gratitude, positivity, strength. I felt like a liar. I wasn’t living my words. I knew that was okay. But it felt weak. I wrote about fear. All true. Part of the journey. But in the past week I’ve tried to refocus my energy. My thoughts. My intentions. Numerous, yet unrelated events have led me to this place. I believe the universe keeps putting “things” in my path. Reminders. People. Signs. Whatever these “things” are, they are bringing me back. Back to a better place. A place of peace. Within myself.  present

This past week Facebook sent me a beautiful reminder of the blessings and joyous moments in my life. Three years, five years, seven years ago. Love. Family. Together. Celebrations. Travel. So blessed. Memories that evoke smiles. Heartwarming hugs from the inside out. Instead of missing what I don’t have, I’m focusing on what I did have. How lucky I was. These are the gifts that keep on giving. I can pull them from my memory bank. Spark a smile. A warm fuzzy feeling.

story 2I am reminding myself why I started writing in the first place. Honor Gregger’s memory. Our life together. And to help me move on. So I’ve been stuck. It’s part of the journey. I will get stuck again. I’m sure of it. But I’m learning. Accepting. Not getting caught up. Not thinking “failure.” It’s okay. It’s life. And tomorrow’s another day. Another day to get it right. Or just do it another way. Whatever works. Just try.

I’ve met so many along this journey. Everyone has a story. Something. You never know the life a person has lived until you are in their shoes. Never judge. You never know their pain. Or their sadness. Smile at them. Talk to them. You never know how a kind word can brighten someone’s day. So many strangers have brightened mine. And I hope I’ve returned the favor without even knowing. But these stories opened my eyes. I’m not alone. So I can grieve. I can be sad. But I can also be happy. Move on. And focus on today. Because I can’t change the past. I can’t control the future. I can only be in the moment. And make the best of whatever that happens to be. So for today, I’ll make it a good one. I hope you do too. Happy Sunday! 

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grief journey

The Grief Journey

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grief in waves 3 (1)So it’s coming to me in tiny pieces. This grief journey. It’s confusing as hell. One minute I think I’ve got it. And suddenly. It’s gone. Starting over. Stuck. The beginning was easy. I knew what I had to do. Be strong. Act strong. Good choice. If I act it, I’ll be it. And it worked. Got me through the worst of days. I did believe. I still do. But it’s changed. My thoughts are spot on. I say the “right” things. But my head and heart just aren’t in synch. “Everything happens for a reason.” “I was blessed to have almost 40 beautiful years.” “We were blessed to all be together.” “Gregger would have wanted it this way.” Yada, yada, yada. But you say those words over again and again, and soon they lose meaning. Purpose. Did I believe them anymore? What was the reason? A year and a half later, I still don’t know.

fear 3But I’m getting there. Fear. “Mama angel” asked me, “What are you afraid of?” I didn’t have an answer. Nothing. Don’t know. Everything. But then I realized. I’m scared as hell. Fear is holding me back. From EVERYTHING. Fear of being happy. Again. Fear of putting my toes in the water. Fear of stepping outside my comfort zone. Fear of walking on my street. Fear of  seeing “that dog.” “Those people.” Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing. Fear of letting go. Fear of being hurt. So staying stuck is safe. No risk, no worry.

fear (1)As I write, I realize another fear. Fear of exposure. Will I publish this? Everyone will know. I will expose myself as weak. But this is the first part of the journey. Getting out. Moving on. Getting over. Escaping the fear of what others think. I read that fear shows up when you’re “growing or going where you dream of.” I don’t know what I dream of, but I know I’m growing. Learning. Every day. So fear has wrapped its arms around me. I just need to break free. Maybe one finger at a time. But I’ll do it. I need to stop running. Or start. Just running in the right direction.

To be continued…

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not just single, a widow

Not Just Single, A Widow

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widowhood 2Sometimes I want to rewrite my story. Or maybe just make one up. For the times I meet new people. Or strangers. I think about this a lot. Especially lately. So much loss. So much sadness. Do people really care? But my story defines me. It’s who I am. I don’t want pity. Hugs are nice. But I feel funny. Especially when strangers feel they need to give one. Did I say something to make someone feel sorry for me? I don’t mean to. Ugh! It’s just my story. It’s sad. But the truth.  And this truth sucks. Loss. Sadness. Loss. Again. First Gregger. Love of my life. Then Lucy. My savior. Sweetness. So what’s my choice? Lie? Don’t say anything? I fight to hold the words in. Sometimes I do. But my insides ache. I walk away feeling empty. As if words were left unsaid. But why?  

widowhood 4The other day I was shopping with Angel. People stop me. Can we see her? Hold her? What’s her name? How old? Your first Yorkie? I feel compelled to explain. I cannot dismiss Lucy. My heart is aching. So the story spills out. And then comes the hug. Poor me. NO! I’m just me. I just have a story. Yes, it’s sad. But, it’s part of me. I’m here. I’m moving forward. And I’m not ready to let it go. So it pours out. I need a t-shirt. A hat. “Angel’s Mom,” “Moving On,” “Picking up the Pieces.” I don’t know.

I get my struggle. When an athlete stops playing their sport, what defines him/her? Someone asks, “What do you do?” And they say, “Well, I played this or that.” But they often struggle with the “now.” They know what they “were,” but finding the “now” is tough. My life identified me. A wife, a mom, daughter, sister, friend. But always Gregger’s wife. He was my half. My better half. I can’t let him go. Yet. So I tell the story. I lost my husband. I am not just single. I am a WIDOW. No husband. But. There is a difference. And it matters to me. My husband isn’t just gone. He didn’t just leave. He didn’t choose to leave. I didn’t choose for him to leave. And the worst part. He isn’t coming back. Or walking through the door. Anytime. He is gone. Forever. He is dead.

A widow. Still “sort of” married. Just married to someone in a “different place.” That defines me. It is my story. And that is the story I need to share. So as my journey continues, I am a widow. A widow trying to move to a new happy place. Whatever that may be.

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forgiveness

Forgiveness…An Act of Self-Love

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forgiveness 3I was watching “Grey’s Anatomy” last night. Tearjerker. Life threatened. Heartache. And pain. Some may think it sappy. Overdone. Washed up. But the message was strong. Forgiveness. Of others. Those who hurt us. And ourselves. While Meredith was struggling to survive and overcome devastating injuries, she was faced with a greater battle. Forgive those who had beaten her. Left her. Hurt her. Anger is easier. Hate is simpler. Forgiveness is hard. But in the end, the one who doesn’t forgive is the loser. 

forgiveness 1Her beloved Derek had died last season. Unexpectedly. Before his time. Before “their” time.  She went back to life. But the anger flared. I understand. Webber advised her to forgive herself. She was angry.  At Derek. Not just for dying. But for dying too soon. Leaving her. Alone. I got it. The pain. The anger. The hurt. Tears streamed down my cheeks. It was as if he were talking to me. Through the airwaves. I am still mad at Gregger. How dare he? We had a whole life to live. Plans. Travel. A life to spend together. We were just getting started. And he cheated me. I don’t say that often. I am strong. Right? But maybe I’m not. I don’t say this often enough. And maybe I should. Maybe it’s the way to move on. Because lately, I just feel stuck. Maybe I need to forgive myself for being angry at him. For leaving me way too soon. And he did. I still go to the “what if’s.” I know I shouldn’t. But I do. What if we had gone on vacation somewhere else? What if he hadn’t gone snorkeling that day? What if I had made him walk with me on the beach instead? What if? What if? What if? I beat myself. Over and over and over again. But forgiveness is the key. I can’t go back. I know that. My brain knows that. But my heart isn’t there yet. They need to catch up. With each other.

forgivenessSo as sappy as it may be, thank you “Grey’s.” Thank you for the reminder. Forgiveness. I need to forgive, to let go. To move on. To live. Really live. Not in the past. The present. And I know that’s where Gregger would want me to be. So for today and tomorrow and I will…

  1. Release the guilt. Let it fly. It’s a heavy weight holding me down.
  2. Focus on the joy. The memories. The happy times.
  3. And recognize that letting go of hurt does not diminish my love for Gregger. Choosing to live, laugh and love again does not mean I love him any less. It may even mean I love him more. Because my heart is free. Of pain. Guilt. Anger. Hurt. Free to feel. Once again.

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

I am ready to enlarge my future. So for today, I forgive. Me.

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happy valentines day

Happy Valentine’s Day – Second Time Around

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m & GValentine’s Day. A day of love. Hugs. Kisses. Cards. Sentiments. Roses. Chocolates. Happiness. And couples. A day to remind me what I’ve lost. What I’m missing. Love. Hugs. Kisses. Gregger. OR, a day to remember. What I had. What we had. Love. Respect. Commitment. We were lucky. I believe we would have made it to the very end. Our fairytale end. We survived the bumps and bruises. More than we could count. But every bump made us stronger. Wiser. And more in love. So it’s not what I’m missing. It’s what I remember. The good. The great. The best. We didn’t need a “Hallmark holiday” for love. We simply tried to live it.

valentine'sWhat kept us going? It wasn’t magic. It was life. Real stuff. But it took time. Patience. Understanding. And compassion.

  1. Communicate. Listen. Don’t just “hear” the words. No phones. No texts. Real talk. Look in each other’s eyes. Say the words. Feel. Understand. The way to the heart.
  2. Respect. Agree to disagree. But respect the disagreement. Arguing with respect is okay. Arguing with anger gets you nowhere.
  3. Embrace the imperfections. Nothing is perfect. Not your spouse. Or marriage. Someday those “imperfections” may be what you miss most. I do.
  4. Stay committed. Commitment is serious business. If it’s worth fighting for, fight. Giving up is easy.
  5. Make time. For each other. No distractions. Just the two of you. It’s so easy to put this on the back burner. Bottom of the totem pole. Move it to the top. It’s worth it.
  6. Put “we” before “me.” Give more, get more. You both come out ahead. Be selfless, not selfish. The payoff is priceless.
  7. Share, celebrate, enjoy the moments. Don’t pass up joyful opportunities. Celebrate everything. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Christmas. New Years. Valentine’s Day. Fourth of July. And everything in between. For 38 years we celebrated them all. No regrets. And memories galore. You never know when it could be the last. So celebrate. Enjoy. And cherish the moments.
  8. Share life. Whatever that means to you. But do it together. You don’t have to do everything, but find something. Share love. Share life. Share time. It’s precious.

m & G 2Last year I said that Gregger and I called this a “Hallmark holiday.” True. We didn’t need a special day to declare our love. Or remind us to love each other. With flowers. Candy. Cards. But, just like last year, I would give ANYTHING for Gregger to be my Valentine. An “I love you” in the morning. Another in the afternoon. And several more at night. But it won’t be. I will hold onto memories. Remember. And cherish what we had. I will look to the stars. Find one that shines a bit brighter. And blow a kiss directly to him. These holidays are tough. They don’t get any easier. Maybe someday. So I wish all of you love. Hold your loved ones a little tighter. Be kind. And cherish the moments. They are so very precious. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Happy Birthday Gregger!

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Scan 14 (1)Happy Birthday, Gregger! #62! Today we celebrate YOU! Not the life you lost. But the life you LIVED! The love you shared. The joy you radiated. Your smile. Your laughter. Your grace and humility. A son. Brother. Father. Husband. And friend. Everyone’s friend. Those lucky enough to cross your path loved you. Minutes, days, years, or a lifetime. A shake of your hand, a smile, a kind word. You touched peoples’ hearts. You left a mark. So we celebrate YOU.

2012…We celebrated at Dominick’s and went to Old Town to party with the young folk! What the heck were we thinking? I don’t think we lasted very long. Our ears couldn’t take it! But we laughed. Loved. And cheered.

2013…San Diego. Park Hyatt Aviara. Food tasting for Ashley and Tyler’s fabulous wedding! Didn’t get much better than that! Until…

DSC_05982014…#60! I will hang onto this memory. FOREVER! Our last birthday. Best one yet! In forty years I never pulled off a surprise. Much less a BIG one! But I got you. And I got you good. After lying in a hospital bed for a week, you never suspected I’d be up for anything, much less a party. Your “real” birthday was quiet. No big shebang. You worked tirelessly at home all day. Orders. Ryan stopped by before work. I felt guilty. I didn’t want you to be disappointed. But I knew what was in store. The weekend. I made your favorite dinner. Chicken parm. Baked potato. Jamesons. Dairy Queen. Quiet night. But it was good. Better was yet to come. We had a “date” night Saturday.  Old friends. Great friends. I needed your car. You loved when I drove you to work. I knew that wouldn’t be a problem. It wasn’t. More time to be together. Lucky me. I was a wreck. This day seemed like forever. We got to the restaurant. I could barely control my shaking hands, much less my trembling heart.  We headed back, hand in hand. You were ready to watch the Suns game. I’ll never forget the shock when you saw those bleachers stacked high. Friends and family shouting, “Happy Birthday, Gregger!” But the surprises didn’t end there. First Ashley and Tyler. Jeff and Keena. Your bromance, David. And my sis, Suzy. Overwhelming. Love. Joy. A celebration of YOU. It was time. Little did I know that 7 months later I would be “celebrating” your life in a whole different way. This was good. Great. We danced. Laughed. And just let go. We Had Fun. You even said, “This is the 6th best night of my life.” I wasn’t offended. I knew where that stood. And 6th was GREAT. It ranked right where it should. Behind births and weddings. I got it. You were so right.

DSC_0672So now I continue to celebrate YOU. The YOU that makes me smile. Makes my heart beat a little bit faster. And makes tears fall when I try holding them back. My soulmate. My best friend. Thank you for blessing me with your love. I can only hope you felt blessed with mine too. Happy Birthday, Gregger. With Jameson’s in hand, Cheers to you my love! You made this world a better, brighter, happier place. And today it is sparkling! I love you!

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