The Monster

“The Monster”

Fear can be a debilitating monster. It can show it's ugly face at the most unlikely moments, very sneaky and unsuspecting. Your chest tightens, your heart races, your muscles tighten. Your breathing speeds up so much you can't keep up .It almost hurts. I never thought of myself as a fearful person. As a child I was cautious. I wasn't the daredevil child who swung from the jungle gym upside down. I tried things, but I was carefully cautious. I was a ballet dancer, a piano player. I didn't take chances. The "biggest" thing I did back then was dive off the high board! I remember the day I did a flip into the deep end. You wouldn't catch me climbing the stairs today, much less walk the plank! The Read more [...]
The Handyman

The Handyman

For forty years Gregger tried his best to be the fix-it man. He carried his handy tool kit around the house as if he knew what the hell he was doing, when, in reality, he didn't have a clue. I just stood idly by, cheering him on, all the while whispering, "Call THE GUY!" Whether it was a clogged toilet, paint job, tile repair, or something more complex, he thought he could do it all. He would schlepp back and forth to Home Depot, venturing up and down the aisles, jabbering with the employees, sure to achieve the perfect result. In the end, sometimes he won, and other times...well, he called THE GUY! Now I've been left with the handy tool kit in hand. Gregger's got to be chuckling at my inept Read more [...]

Life is worth a CELEBRATION

Yesterday was my son's 34th birthday. As much as it's a celebration, it's hard not feel the empty space. Gregger would have made the first phone call; sent the first goofy text. He would have wished me "Happy Birthday" and we would have reminisced over the crazy sequence of events that took place on the day of Ryan's birth. Ryan wasn't due until the beginning of May, but I had a c-section scheduled for sometime around April 25th. Gregger went to work as usual and I was off to my best friend's (Cindy) daughter's birthday party with Adam. Early in the day I started having funny feelings in my tummy, but just thought it was indigestion. This couldn't possibly be labor - it was over 3 weeks before Read more [...]

Here Come The Suns

The sun is setting early this year for the Phoenix Suns. The final home game of the season - no playoffs and a long, hot summer.  The Gregger would have been disappointed, as am I, but faithful fans we'll always be. Our loyalty began way back in the early '80's at Veteran's Colliseum when we could hang our legs over the empty seats, relax and enjoy the likes of Dennis Johnson, Alvan Adams, and Walter Davis. Gregger had a close affiliation with the team, dressing the announcers, and  later the coaches, so our boys had the opportunity to grow up sitting on the bench next to such players as Curt Rambis and Steve Kerr. Our Suns loyalty never wavered. We loved them win or lose. There were so many Read more [...]

The Weekend that Was

So I did it! I made it through the Vegas weekend...I survived the travel, the memories, and a little bit of heartache. I had melancholy moments, but I also had laughter, sunshine, and joy. I felt Gregger around me, pushing me, encouraging me. He would hate some of the things I did, the way I traveled, but it sort of made me laugh. For the first time in a long time, I was making my own choices. Believe me, I would be much happier with his choices or our choices, but making my choices at this point did feel pretty good. They were silly dumb things, but that's okay. They were still my choices and I was okay with them. It took me a long time to be okay with my choices. That probably sounds a bit Read more [...]
Las Vegas Trip

Lady Luck

I know I have been talking a lot about all of the "firsts" in my life lately, but right now my life is all about change. Generally I don't do well with change. I am a woman of routine. I follow the same pattern every day, eat the same foods, and am basically one of the most boring people on the planet. Give me a plan and I'm okay, but change that plan, and it takes me a while to adapt. So these past seven months have literally thrown me into a spiral. The daily changes and adaptations are overwhelming, not to mention, the BIG ones - selling the businesses, putting the house on the market, "going out," and now one more. I am taking my first BIG GIRL trip on my own. Well, not completely on my Read more [...]
On My Own

On My Own

 Everybody talks about the "firsts." There's the first Thanksgiving; the first Christmas, first birthday, Valentine's day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and the list goes on and on. I'm not going to say they get easier, but I'm learning to prepare myself and get through each one with a new kind of strength. This past Sunday I encountered a new "first." My first "going out event" without Gregger. It was tough. A lot tougher than I expected it to be. To most this sounds like a simple task, but I had to get dressed up without my guy there to put the check marks in all the right boxes. Not that I don't have confidence in my own taste, but, after 40 years with "the best dressed guy," what can I Read more [...]
In The Midst Of Chaos There is Joy

In The Midst Of Chaos There is Joy

My life lately could best be described as total chaos...I am trying to keep the pieces together, but every day a piece of the puzzle just doesn't seem to fit in place. Whether it's water flooding my hallways and kitchen from a broken line in my refrigerator, or pools of blood covering my floors from a bleeding dog, or another dog vomiting everywhere just as I finish cleaning up one mess after another, or the mundane routine of trying to keep bills in check, it's just a little crazy. But, in the midst of all of this trivial "B.S." I was blessed to be part of the "Teen Suit Event" at the Boys and Girls Club of Greater Scottsdale last Friday afternoon. It was a beautiful reminder that none of Read more [...]
Tomorrow’s Just a Day Away

Tomorrow’s Just a Day Away

  Sadness has surrounded me this week. Death, tragedies, heartache. A dear childhood friend, a "best friend" mother, and a beloved father were all lost to people in my circle of life. I passed a fresh flower memorial on the side of the road with people hovering by and discovered that a motorcyclist had been killed the day before.  There are no words to express the sadness, the loss, the grief. One can only offer support, love, and friendship. I know this all too well. I also encountered several people, some strangers, others mere acquaintances, who had lost their spouses. I am trying to find the message, the answers, the reasons for so much all at once. There are no reasons, there Read more [...]
some days suck


What the heck is S.D.S.? SOME DAYS SUCK! There's  just no other way to say it! Even B.G.D. (Before Gregger Died) I had those sucky days, but they were different. Somehow the sucky days always had a luminous light at the end...I always knew sunshine would walk in the door around 7 pm and brighten my day...or at least give it his best shot. He tried, lord knows he tried, but I could be harder than a brick wall. I had my own PMS...pissed, mopey, and sultry. Whether he broke through or not, I knew he was there. P.G.D.(Post Gregger's Death) it's different. I have to learn how to deal with the PMS and the sucky days on my own. It's's just another lesson. It's another step toward growing Read more [...]