Rainy Days and Mondays

Rainy Days and Mondays

Feeling a bit melancholy on this rainy day Monday. I stare at the raindrops streaming from the skies and slip into a meditative state. My mind wanders. Memories drift in and out. I try to conjure a visible future. I'm stuck. I keep going backwards. All I can see is the past. Where I was. Where I still want to be. But I can't go there anymore. I can visit. But I must move forward. I keep having flashes. Of Gregger. His goofy, but loving idiosyncrasies. I miss them most. But they make me smile. My sunshine on a rainy day.   his nightly call to me on his way home from work his obsession with mail, getting to it ASAP when he walked in the door at night dropping his clothes on the floor; Read more [...]
10 months

10 Months

10 Months Ten months. Another month has passed. Another 30 days. Another 720 hours, 43,200 minutes, 2,592,000 seconds. But who’s counting? Well, I guess I still am. I count every hour, minute, second that you are gone. I still ache inside. I still feel empty. I still feel the loneliness of you not being beside me. It gets different. But it doesn’t get better. Today I was sharing the concept of death. The difference between knowing you are dying, sharing the time with loved ones, and dying suddenly. There is no good way. No right way. No easy way. They all suck! But I feel I was gipped out of saying so many things I would have wanted to say. So I’m going to pretend you can hear me now. Read more [...]
happy fathers day

Happy Father’s Day Gregger!

For the past several weeks, I have been inundated with Father's Day ads, exhibits, and displays. Mugs, t-shirts, boxers, baskets, barbeque sets, and beer steins stock shelves beckoning buyers to honor husbands, fathers, and grandpas everywhere. I walk by and feel sad. Another first in the year of "firsts." Father's Day was one of the ONLY days we could force Gregger to TAKE instead of GIVE. It was OUR day. We got to shower him. We got to make him our center of attention. We LOVED it! He couldn't argue. He just had to sit back and TAKE it! Believe me, it was NOT easy. He just hated being "it." Gifts were impossible. What could you possibly buy the guy who (a) owned a clothing store with everything Read more [...]
the Playoffs

The Playoffs

Sports RULED in our house! Three boys and there was sure to be some kind of game going on. Or ESPN. Over and over again and again. Somebody was rooting for or against something, someone. Gregger was right at the head of the pack. Sports gave Gregger a break. He stopped working. He stopped thinking. He just enjoyed. Or stressed over who was winning/losing. He was so devoted to his teams, you'd think he had a stake in them. Coming from a small town in Iowa, he had to reach outside of his city to find his favs. The Suns, Cardinals (AZ and St. Louis), Diamondbacks, Chiefs, Royals made up his elite crew. He was a true blue fan. He had that midwest devotion and stuck hard and firm to his teams.  If Read more [...]
9 months

9 Months

Dear Gregger, Nine months. They say time flies when you're having fun, but that doesn't really apply in this case. This is not fun. Not having you here is NOT fun. I keep thinking that it's just a bad dream and I'll wake up to see your smiling face in the kitchen, all sweaty from your morning workout, drinking a cup of coffee, engrossed in the morning paper. But you're not there. It's still, silent, and empty. I want to call you and tell you things. Funny, sad, gossipy, nonsensical. I just want to talk. I miss my best friend. Nine months. I think about what you've missed and what's changed. It's crazy! Looking back we managed life as well as any bronc rider, holding on with grit,strength, courage, Read more [...]
in a cinch

It’s a “Cinch”

I knew I hit the jackpot with Gregger for so many reasons, but what woman wouldn't love a man who loves to clean! This guy was great with a sponge, mop, vacuum, toilet brush, and more! But, his favorite was cleaning glass! He would clean mirrors, windows, tables, etageres, or whatever clear products he could put his hands on until there wasn't a streak in sight. But, he had a science, and you did NOT mess with the Gregger! Always, and ONLY use newspaper...UGH! This left my hands and nails black and dirty. Why not just use paper towels? Nope, newspaper it was, so the job was his! For years Windex was his product of choice, until Gregger discovered the ultimate Cinch.   You would have thought Read more [...]
Thanks for the Memories

Thanks for the Memories

I just wanted to send a "shout out" to Facebook. I look so forward to my memory notifications every day. What was I doing last year? 2 years ago? 5 years ago?  A few days ago those memories brought Gregger to life. I saw him smile, laugh, and dance like the crazy guy he was. Merely 2 years ago Gregger and I were dancing our hearts out in the middle of Ashley and Tyler's living room to some silly dance video game. We were making fools of ourselves in the grandest way, but why not! It was a room filled with laughter, joy, and an abundance of love. Neither of us got it, but we were game. Anything for a good laugh, especially when spending time with the kids. Special times. Cherished memories. Read more [...]
gregger got his groove

Gregger Finally Got his Groove On

This is a tough week. Countless recollections of the ultimate joy in "our" life. Reflecting on best-ever moments filled with love, family, friends, celebration, and LIFE. Gregger was in his glory. But the best memory of all... Gregger had two left feet...he was dashing, savvy, and charming as could be, but a dancer he was not!  God love the guy...he was great at just about everything but he didn't have a dancing bone in his body! We would get out on the dance floor and shake our groove thing, but he kind of just rocked side to side, arms shaking to and fro. He'd just smile that twinkling smile, keep on rockin' as I twisted, twirled, schimmied, and shaked my body away. I don't think Read more [...]
Over The Rainbow

The Rainbow

I love to walk. I walk for miles convening with nature, lost in the moments, the memories, and the music. I find peace in the silence. I find solace in the solitude. Sometimes. Other times I feel lonely because Gregger is not there to walk beside me. I drown out the loneliness in the music. What should I listen to? R & B love songs of yesterday, Broadway shows we loved, or pop hits that put a bounce in my step? Whatever I choose the words will evoke endless emotions, some happy, some sad; tears flow nonetheless. There is something about the music. It just gets me in the gut. But one particular song opens the flood gates every time. Because I know Gregger is sending me a message, a hug from Read more [...]

The Secret

I hate secrets. I have hated secrets since I was a little girl. I think secrets can get you into trouble, unless they are the really, really good kind of secrets. Or the secrets (more like confidences) shared amongst friends - those are just different. Secrets are something you have to keep inside. You can't talk about them, you can't tell anyone, and sometimes they just harbor icky feelings. Surprises are much different than secrets. Surprises are generally joyful, exciting, and are shared with family and friends. Sometimes a secret can turn into the very best surprise and that's the only time secrets are OKAY in my book! So when Gregger kept a BIG secret from me for nine months (that eventually Read more [...]