Tag: moving on

Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

waitingTen days of waiting and praying. Waiting and praying. There was nothing else to do. The embryos were implanted. And all we could was wait. Hope. I tried to remain calm. Not for me. But for Ashley. The baby(ies). She didn’t need my stress. She was carrying enough of her own. So I pretended. I smiled. Laughed. And loved. I gave when they wanted me to give. I held back when they needed space. But on the inside. I was struggling. Barely holding on. I wanted time to stop. For 10 days. And then I wanted the news to come. But that’s not the way it works. Life continues. So we did too. And I kept writing. To fill the space. The emptiness.

May 26

Dear Gregger,

Did you know you are on my mind from the minute I open my eyes in the morning until the moment I close them at night? And if I should wake in the middle of the night, you are my very first thought. When I get in my car to drive away, I look for you in the clouds. I listen for you on my radio. I ache to feel your hand in mine. But it isn’t there.

This is such a long, seamless forever waiting game right now. I just wish you were here to calm my nerves, tell me everything would be okay. But you’re not. So I look to you. Talk to you. Pray to you. I try to fill my hours but the quiet moments are lonely without you. Even though we weren’t always together, I knew you were there. I knew you were a phone call away. A text away. So just now when I need you most, it’s a real test. And I’m not doing so well.

But most of my waking hours are spent worrying and praying for Ashley and those little “peanuts.” Please keep your angel wings spread over them to keep them safe. I love you…until tomorrow…waiting 2

May 27

Dear Gregger,

It’s been kind of a strange day. It’s the beginning of a holiday weekend. Memorial Day. Not that we ever did very much but it was always so special to have you for two days in a row. I miss that. It’s crazy to think that having two days was such a big deal for us. Most people have that every weekend. They simply take it for granted. For us it was special. But that’s kind of cool. We appreciated the moments. Sometimes we got a little too hung up on those moments. You wanted them perfect since they were too few and far between, so if we faltered, it seemed as though the day was “messed” up. But I think we finally figured that out. We figured out how to “mess up” and still have fun. How to “mess up” and get back on track. How to “mess up” and still love each other. We had something special. We were so lucky. Most people don’t have what we had once in a lifetime. I hold onto that and count my blessings every day.

I think Ashley and Tyler have it too. They know how to be together. They’ve been dealing with this infertility for nearly 2 years. That takes a toll on a couple. Do you remember? It was hard on us. I can only imagine for them. But they’ve held it together. I would never have known. But I guessed. Not because of anything they showed between them. But just because. I guess it was a mom thing. Intuition. I don’t want them to hurt anymore. I want them to have happiness. Joy. Love. And family. Ashley’s struggling a little with “holding it in,” but she’s holding it together. It’s hard at work. Not to be able to do things. And not to be able to tell people why. But it’s all so hard. Not telling people. Holding it all in. Not knowing. Waiting. So,PLEASE, PLEASE keep watching over her. Please hold her close in your hands and heart. Keep all of them safe. I know you “came to her” a few weeks ago. It meant the world to her. I love you more than ever…until tomorrow…

So the waiting game continued. We went about life trying to be normal. But life was anything but normal. We counted the days. One at a time. Slowly. Slowly. But, as they say, “Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who are patient.” So patient we would be. One day at a time.

choose hope

To be continued…

Passing The Test

Passing The Test

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

IMG_2403Year two was simply about riding the waves. Grief. Joy. Turmoil. Uncertainty. I never knew from one day to the next. Test after test. I was barely holding on. One night I realized something was horribly wrong. Face on fire. Sick. Achy. And alone. I grabbed Angel and raced to Urgent Care. Just as I suspected. Cellulitis. Another bug sting. Awful. I had to watch it. Scary. No one there. My face was swelling. What do I do? No Gregger. Again. I couldn’t be around Ashley. She was in the midst of IVF. I wouldn’t let her risk it. So I was alone. Drove to the ER. Ugh! Walked in. Waited in that cold, dreary place. Gregger. Where are you? You should be here holding my hand. And just as I suspected, I was admitted. Not even a room. A bed with a curtain. No bathroom. Shared with a bunch of strangers. Gross. Gregger would never let that happen. But there I was.

IMG_2404One day stretched into two. Then three. Then four. I begged to go home. They finally moved me to a private room. I stared out the window. Clouds. Gregger. Are you there?  GET ME OUT OF HERE! Finally. But with conditions. A pick line. A portable IV. That didn’t sound too bad. I could handle that. Or so I thought. Not! I couldn’t shower. Couldn’t change clothes. Couldn’t be without this massive bag hanging from my arm. They left out those pertinent details. So back to the ER I went. Out it came. Or part of it. Three trips back to the ER before the mess was gone.Two weeks of hell. But I made it. Another test. I passed. They say the difference between school and life is that “in school you’re taught a lesson then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” I was learning. Getting stronger.  But I begged for a break. A pass. Time out. Whatever. No more tests. At least for a while. Hadn’t I proved myself these past two years? I will never stop growing, but does it always have to be so hard?  I needed some happy news. Joy. And a little hope. Maybe tomorrow…

To be continued…IMG_2405

Moving On…The Tough Days

Moving On…The Tough Days

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

moving on 2Moving on. I thought it would get easier. It didn’t. I slipped. I skidded. I stopped. I shut down. And I just couldn’t write anymore.Thoughts would spin inside my head, but they wouldn’t reach my fingertips. They stopped. Somewhere. Jumbled.  I was too empty. Too lonely. Too alone. Stress was pulling me down. And I had nowhere to go. I kept reaching for Gregger. But he wasn’t there. And I realized he never would be. Ever again. The finality of it all. Scary. Sad. Detached. Should I share that raw emotion? People saw me as strong. Brave. Overcoming the worst of the worst. How could I go backwards? So I shut down. I buried myself inside my head.

I found solace in the space of my car. Music. Special songs. And I remembered. Tears would roll down my cheeks. Sometimes I’d sob uncontrollably. But it was my safe haven. Every morning. And then I’d walk into one of my “happy places” to work out. The tears were replaced by a smile. Fake? Maybe. I put on my “happy face.” No one knew. No one knew what was brewing inside. The turmoil. The heartache. The pain. I learned I could turn it on. And turn it off. I could allow myself to be sad. And then give myself space to be happy. It worked. I wasn’t burying emotions. I wasn’t hiding from them. I wasn’t burdening anyone. I was carrying the weight. But then I was letting it go. It wasn’t always easy, but, for the time being, it worked. And I hung on.  moving on 3

I just felt so stuck. I moved through the motions. I woke up. Got ready. Took care of puppy, Angel. Worked out. Incessantly. Ran errands. Came home. Watched TV. Stupid shows. Went to bed. Woke up. Repeated. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t do anything that required brain function. Concentration. Didn’t work. I was stuck. So I shut down. This was where I stayed for quite a while, until…

to be continued…

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a new year

A New Year

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

new beginningsLast week marked the beginning of a New Year. Not the one with midnight cheers, champagne, and football. But one with similarities. The Jewish New Year. Rosh Hashanah, a time for resolutions, new beginnings.  I don’t typically pay attention to this. I wish others well. Send cards (on occasion). I have a fleeting thought. But I am not observant. I don’t go to temple. I don’t do big family dinners. We really never did. Maybe we should have. It just didn’t happen.

So why am I thinking about it this year? A time of reflection. Soul searching. New beginnings. What better time to reflect than now? What better time to start fresh? Every day is a new beginning for me. Why not look at this as a sweet beginning?

forgive 2It is also a time for forgiveness. Freedom. Letting go. “I’m sorry.” Two of the hardest words to say. Often two of the hardest words to accept. But without forgiveness, we stay trapped. So many times I believed stronger, bigger, better. Anger and resentment protected me from hurt. But, in reality, I was the prisoner. Consumed with negativity. Distrust. The only way out was letting go. But forgiveness does NOT excuse, justify or forget. Forgiveness shows us the path to peace.

What about self-forgiveness? Tough. Nearly impossible. Another trap. If I mess up, I’m a bad (wife, mom, friend, daughter, fill in the blank!). Not so. It’s part of life. I messed up. Or I did the best I could. Whatever the case. Own up. Make amends. Learn and let it go. Beating myself up. Pointless. Useless. Forgive. Find peace.

So as this New Year begins, I will seek peace. Through new beginnings. Forgiveness. And acceptance. Of those I love. And, mostly, myself.

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Happy New Year! May it be a happy and healthy one for all!

thank-you

Thank You

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

DSC_0077 (1)I’ve made it through the worst of times. Death. Firsts. And now it’s time to say “thank you.” I  need to divert from the blog for a bit. I would not have made it here without YOU. Family. Friends. Strangers. You helped me reach this road. You’ve been by my side on this journey. A journey that continues. A journey that looks toward the future instead of looking back in the past. I will always remember. I will hold the memories in my heart forever. And you have helped me. You have supported me in ways I never dreamed possible. You have given me strength when I thought my world was falling apart.

Someone asked me the other day, “Are you overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support?” How is that even possible? At the beginning I felt alone. My best friend was gone. There will always be an empty space in my heart. But thanks to you, I don’t feel alone anymore.  People ask, “Where do you find your strength?” I find it from YOU. All of you. Family, friends, and those I’ve never met but touch me every day. You embrace me with your kind words. You touch my heart when I touch yours. It comes full circle. When I hear I am giving others strength, it makes me stronger. When I hear I give hope, I know tomorrow is a brighter day. Positivity is a magnet. It attracts goodness, kindness, compassion. We give, we get. Thank you.

I thought this anniversary would be the most difficult day since August 30th, 2014. But thanks to you, I’ve approached it with new life. I thought long and hard about my choices. I could spend the time being sad. Grieving more. Or I could celebrate Gregger in all his glory. Celebrate his life. His loves. His passion.

To those I’ve never met but am so grateful for: The messages. Email. Facebook. They are so heartwarming. I want to reach through the airwaves and hug you. I want to touch your hand. Thank you for touching mine. You have no idea. I hope we can meet someday. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Truly.

“Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”

To my friends: I hope you know who you are. I wish I could name each and every one of you individually. Some of you have been around for years. Some of you came back into my life. Some of you I recently met, but you are my dearest friends. I would not be here without you. Supportive. Loving. Kind. Messages. Phone calls. Checking in. I am so grateful. 

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

IMG_2071To my family: From day one. You have been there for me. I remember calling my mom and dad. Screaming. Sobbing. They were in the parking lot at Costco. But they stopped. And they have stopped every time since. My brother, Michael. Waiting outside my garage. Would not let me walk into my house alone. My sister-in-law, Cindy not far behind. My sister, Suzy, always there for me. And all my other siblings. Larry, Ellen, Linda. My nieces, nephews. Extended family. Salt Lake City. Always there for me. Always. A phone call. An email. A text. Whatever I needed. Never too early. Never too late. Thank you.

To my kids: No words. I am so blessed. Where would I be without you? Lost. In more ways than I can imagine. You have let me cry. Laugh. Share. You walked with me through the toughest roads. We’ve walked the roads together. And we will continue climbing mountains, forging valleys. Holding hands. Wrapping our arms around each other. You are my rocks. There are no words of thanks. But I know it’s not necessary either. You each have a piece of your dad in you. Even you, Tyler (I know you are reading this.) His courage. His perseverance. His integrity. His compassion. And, most certainly, his heart. I would not be here today without you. Thank you for giving me strength every day. To smile. To laugh. To move forward. To live. I love you. We will be okay. Because we always have each other. IMG_0945

“Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you’ll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you’ll find that you have more of it.”

Holidays are Hard

Holidays are Hard

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

attitudeHolidays are hard. There just isn’t any easy way around it. I wake up. Be happy. Smile. Great attitude. It’s just another day. But something always feels different. Something always feels a little empty. People want to party. I’m not there yet. It’s not that I don’t like people. I do. But I don’t like going it alone. I should have Gregger with me. We should be celebrating together. I’m not ready. And that’s okay.

I started the day with a bang. Super workout. High energy. Happy people. And then I crashed. I was internalizing. Emotions running high. Thinking. Not knowing where to go or what to do with all the emotions. Confused. Wanting to be alone. Not wanting to be alone. At breakfast the music played. Really? Are you here? “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.” I choked back the tears. It had to be a message. I haven’t heard it for so long. Letting me know he was okay. Telling me I’m okay. It’s okay to enjoy this day of independence. I didn’t want it to stop playing. I strained my ears to hear the words. The melody. The music. Please keep playing. Don’t go away. But it did. The highlight of my day. He touched me. He was there with me. I was going to be okay.  attitude 2

Another holiday. Another first. Another day we would have spent just being. My day was quiet. But that’s okay. Tomorrow I’ll be ready for the noise.

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there is always hope

There is Always Hope

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

hope 3“I’m strong, but sometimes I break.” Sunday I broke. Sunday sucked! There is no easy way to put it. I tried. I struggled all week long. I prepared myself for Father’s Day. I thought I would be okay. I made plans. I cancelled them. I decided to spend the day alone. It was a good decision. I needed the space. I needed the time. I needed to grieve. It was one of the toughest days I’ve gone through in almost 10 months. Why? I’m not really sure. I was sad for me. I was sad for Gregger. But, most of all, I was sad for my kids. I just couldn’t get over the hump. I cried a million tears. I cried on my way to OT (my happy place). I cried on my way home. I cried every time my phone rang. I cried walking Lucy. I cried listening to some of my favorite songs. Everything reminded me of Gregger. He was embracing me ALL day long. And I was REALLY missing him. My friends and family were AMAZING. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my circle. The love and support poured through my phone, social media, and the airwaves all day into the night. Thank you to everyone.I had a cheering squad to support my personal efforts. Throughout the day I was chanting, “I can do this. I can make it. I will get through this day. Keep on truckin’.” Minute by minute. Hour by hour. And I did. I was wiped out. Spent. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Day over.

hope 2I woke up this morning with a new sense of hope. Today is a new day. This is the way life will cycle. I accept that. But it’s been a good day. Strangers have reached out and touched my heart. They simply stopped to say hello. Old friends messaged with words of encouragement. New friends spent time chatting and sharing. Hope. A bottomless pool of emotional strength. A place to turn when the going gets tough. A place to see the future as a better place. It’s not hoping things will get better, but believing things will be better. Life will always present challenges. This was definitely my BIGGEST. But with a little hope each and every day, I’ll jump the hurdles when I cross them. Because I believe I can. The “firsts.” The heartaches. Just plain old missing Gregger. Hope. It makes me smile. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

orange theory fitness

Falling in Love Again…Not with a Who, but a What!

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment

beach 2 (1)I have fallen in love again. Not with a who, but a what! San Diego. I have truly fallen in love with this city. The beauty, the charm, the weather, the people! June 11th marked my one-month anniversary. I may have given some the impression that I was unhappy, melancholy, lonely. No. I LOVE it here. As I’ve said before,”Some days just really SUCK! But bad days don’t last forever. They make the good ones seem GREAT!” For every bad day, I have six good ones. I’d say that’s a winning record, so I’ll keep going in that direction. I’ve met some wackos, but I’ve met some amazing people. Nice people. Kind people. Generous people. The kind of people who put their hands and hearts out for strangers and welcome them to a new city.

strength 2Truth be told, I don’t miss the scorching temps of Arizona summer heat! Don’t get me wrong. I love Phoenix/Scottsdale! We fell in love in Tempe, raised a family in Scottsdale, and grew a business in Phoenix. What is there not to love? 40 years of awesomeness! But without Gregger, it was lonely. People ask me, “Why San Diego?” It must be because my kids live here. NO! Actually, we have yet to spend a day together. Ashley landed a new job and is slammed. They have their own lives. I have to make my own too.

treadmillI was lucky enough to walk back into a place I have always called “home.” It’s a place that would be “home” in any city, but here, it has made my life easy. There’s no better way to kick start my mornings. PO-WER WORK-OUT! The BEST workout in the U-S of A! No, I don’t work for the company, nor do I get paid for promotions. I simply LOVE the way this place embraces every person who walks in their doors. It’s like hanging with BEST friends on a daily basis. From desk to trainers to work-out cronies. I felt welcome from day one over 3 1/2 years ago, and I feel just as welcome today. I knew when I moved to San Diego that this would be my base. A welcoming place. A social place. A friendly place. I knew I could walk in the doors and be okay with all the other crap going on in my life. No one knew my story. I could choose to tell or not to tell. I could just be me. Whatever “me” I chose to be. The first few days I stood with my head low, waiting for class to start. Walls were up. I was closed off. But slowly those walls broke down, and in a matter of days I was meeting the kindest people. Loving, good-hearted, welcoming people. It’s just that kind of place.

weightsToday, as any other day, I couldn’t wait to get to my “happy place.” I couldn’t wait to get my butt kicked. Sweat. Feel good. I was rockin’ it on the treadmill. Run to row. Squat presses and back again. Killer workout. And then the music changed. “Happy.” Gregger’s song. I was pumping it out and suddenly my heart pounded out of my chest. Tears welled up in my eyes. I was smiling and tearing all at once. My heart was beating. I could feel him pushing me. And I could see his smile. That’s the Gregger song. That’s the “Happy” song. Infectious happiness that makes you smile. Ultimate Gregger. Reminding me to be happy, smile, and keep on pushing. It was one of those weird moments. But they happen. They will always happen. But I was in my happy place. Hearing my “happy” song.

OTF-LogoSo I’ll continue to go back to my happy place. And what is this place? ORANGETHEORY FITNESS!  I’ll get my butt kicked. I’ll sweat. But I’ll smile. Feel good. OT is about one step at a time. One minute, 30 seconds. The base, the push, the all-out. LIFE. On my tough days, I use the OT approach. Bad day? Dig deep for one minute, one hour, one day, one week. Push through, all out effort and I’m stronger the next time I get knocked on my butt. Focus on what’s in front of me. The moment. The now. Every day I grow a little stronger, physically and emotionally. More self-confident. More powerful. More in control of my life. More in control of “me.” More patient. I meet new people. But more than that, I leave feeling good from the inside out. What a great way to start the day! After that, it’s all uphill!

So thanks, San Diego. Thanks, OT. Thanks for helping me fall in love again. Not with a who, but a WHAT! It’s a start and it feels darn good!

strength

And So The Adventure Begins

And So The Adventure Begins…

Mikki Eveloff Leave a comment


IMG_2121I’ve moved three significant times in my life. Three moves, three disparate emotions; freaky scary, ebulliently joyful, melancholy and skeptical, yet crazy and venturous. The first time was terrifying, lonely, and challenging in immeasurable ways. I was merely eight years old. I was moving from my childhoom home to a brand new city, starting out in a new school in the middle of the school year. I was leaving my friends behind. I didn’t know a soul. I walked into my new classroom the first day and had to take a test, not knowing the material. I was a straight “A” student and failed. I was devastated. I thought the world had come to an end. I did not think I would survive. Eventually I did. I made friends. I never failed another test. And in a short while I loved my new home.

I left several times for college, but they were never permanent moves. Not until I met the Gregger. After a whirlwind romance at Arizona State University and a wedding in St. Louis, we packed our bags for the Cornhusker State. Gregger was off to work with his dad at their family business (Marcus Department Store) in Council Bluffs, Iowa while I finished up my special ed degree at University of Nebraska-Omaha. Moving as a new bride was wondrous and overwhelming all in one breath. I was setting up “our” new home in a new city. I had “his” family but no friends. Gregger’s roots were in C.B. so he felt quite at home there. We were kind of “playing house” until we realized we were never going to be able to make this our “home.” After a spring vacation to Tempe, and a wild ride trip with our college friends, we ached to be back in Arizona. We were young, carefree, and figured this was the time of our life to go. But Gregger had to break the news to his parents, most of all his dad. This was not his nature to let anyone down. Lucky for us, his parents supported our decision and off we went. No home, no jobs, no place for the movers to even deliver our furniture. But it was exhilarating! I knew it was the adventure of our lifetime.  arizona

Obviously moving to Arizona was the BEST move we ever made! Our life truly began here. This is where we built our family, our home, our dreams. We moved here 38 years ago and never looked back. We would have stayed here to celebrate our promised 75th anniversary, but…

IMG_2118So now a new adventure begins. I am packing my bags and heading to San Diego. I am packing A LOT of bags! Gregger must be roaring in laughter. Two bins shipped by FedEx, two overpacked suitcases, a large carry on, a purse, a dog, and a backpack! All of that for 2 1/2 months!   But this time I am going it alone, just Lucy and me. This feels as scary as when I was eight years old. Maybe all that “stuff” is my security blanket. I don’t have to walk into a new classroom. I don’t have to take any tests. But I am walking away from “our” life. I am walking away from the place “we” lived for 38 years. But Gregger will forever be in my heart. He will be with me wherever I go. It’s the beginning of a new journey. As I venture into unknown territory, each day will be about discovery. Discovering places, people, but most of all myself. This is the move I never wanted to make. But Gregger would want me to go. He would want me to keep “moving.” He would never want me to stop and just be. This is about life and living. I miss you Gregger. I wish you were coming with me. But I will see you in the sand, the water, the stars and the sky. And so the adventure begins…