Happy Birthday Gregger!

Happy Birthday, Gregger! #62! Today we celebrate YOU! Not the life you lost. But the life you LIVED! The love you shared. The joy you radiated. Your smile. Your laughter. Your grace and humility. A son. Brother. Father. Husband. And friend. Everyone’s friend. Those lucky enough to cross your path loved you. Minutes, days, years, or a lifetime. A shake of your hand, a smile, a kind word. You touched peoples' hearts. You left a mark. So we celebrate YOU. 2012…We celebrated at Dominick’s and went to Old Town to party with the young folk! What the heck were we thinking? I don’t think we lasted very long. Our ears couldn’t take it! But we laughed. Loved. And cheered. 2013…San Diego. Read more [...]
once upon a time

Once Upon A Time…It Really Was True

So it’s funny how life has a way of coming full circle. I was up to my eyeballs in packing crap! Boxes stacked sky-high. Body bruised and battered. Would this never end? And then, amidst the chaos, another Gregger miracle appeared. A box stuffed with letters from our dating days. Handwritten. Stacked and bound with an old, worn rubber band. Ready to snap. Where to begin? A letter from December 17th, 1974. 23 days before he proposed to me. So telling. And so much a part of this “fairytale.” It was winter break at ASU. I was flying home to St. Louis. With nothing but a “vomit bag” to write on, my love message was truly something to cherish. Who would save such a thing but my Gregger?  Read more [...]

Hidden Treasures

”No matter where you are on your journey, that's exactly where you need to be.  The next road is always ahead.” So for four weeks I needed to just be. I needed to feel. To laugh. To cry. To sit in the silence. I was surrounded by memories. Overwhelmed. Gregger was everywhere. A million reminders of our life together. I sorted through the “stuff.” What to save. What to toss. Everything was symbolic. Significant. Meaningful. But it was time to purge. I just wasn’t ready to let go. To some they were “things.” To me, a lifetime. Cards. Letters. Notes. His handwritten words. It was all I had left. I read them over and over. The message was the same. He wanted more time. With me. The Read more [...]
growth

The Second Year…Keep It coming

So year two. Every day is something new. An adventure in learning. In growing. I never know what to expect. But there are things I know for sure. Wake up every day with a purpose. Simple. Huge. Whatever. Just something. Actions speak louder than words. It's not what you say. It's what you do that really matters. Life is about dealing with disappointments. Expectations. The way I deal with them can make me or break me. Let it go. Reality. Being alone sucks. I used to love my alone time. Not so much anymore. Give me one more day with Gregger. I would cherish it more than all my days on earth. Communicate. It's the key to ALL relationships. Everything breaks down FAST without it. Talk. Read more [...]
a new year

A New Year

Last week marked the beginning of a New Year. Not the one with midnight cheers, champagne, and football. But one with similarities. The Jewish New Year. Rosh Hashanah, a time for resolutions, new beginnings.  I don't typically pay attention to this. I wish others well. Send cards (on occasion). I have a fleeting thought. But I am not observant. I don't go to temple. I don't do big family dinners. We really never did. Maybe we should have. It just didn't happen. So why am I thinking about it this year? A time of reflection. Soul searching. New beginnings. What better time to reflect than now? What better time to start fresh? Every day is a new beginning for me. Why not look at this as a sweet Read more [...]
starting over

The Second Year…Starting Over

As I roll into year two, I wonder, what will be different? Instead of climbing upward, I seem to be spiraling down. Not a great feeling. I thought I had a handle. Thought I was in control. Two hands on the wheel. Steering straight ahead. But there’s a fork in the road. And I’m not sure which way to turn. Right? Left? Ugh! No one gave me a road map for this. No directions on how to get through. So I close my eyes, turn and see where I land. So here’s the deal. The first year I was cruising. I kind of knew what to expect. All the grieving process. They tell you about it. Whatever you feel, it’s okay. Denial. Check. Anger. Check. Bargaining. Check. Depression. Never got there. Acceptance. Read more [...]
all the words

It’s All in the Words

I love quotes. Starting collecting years ago. Pages and pages. Categorized. Alphabetized. A little obsessed. But I love my quotes. At times, they comfort me. I find solace in the words. Peace. When life becomes difficult, I find words. It works. For me. I recently "lost" one of my favorite motivators. And what I discovered about his loss was even more remarkable. The parallels to my life. The connections. Unreal. He died on August 30th. One year after Gregger's passing. Same day. In Maui. The same place Gregger left this earth. Dr. Wayne Dyer. A self-help guru who made sense of my world when it was upside down. Real words that lifted me. Made me think. Recharged my batteries. And helped me focus Read more [...]
prayer

The Power of Prayer

I am veering off path for a moment. This is not about a fairytale. Not about loss. Not about moving on. It's not even about me. Or Gregger. I woke up yesterday morning and was smacked in the face. Again. In the past several months, I have encountered so much heartache. Pain. Sickness. Death. Not necessarily in my life. But in the lives of others. Friends. Acquaintances. Family. Strangers. I've learned. Everyone has "something." Some have it a little "better." Some a little "worse." How that is defined, I'm not really sure. I keep getting punched. In the gut. The heart. When does it stop? I don't think it does. It's all part of life. I cried this morning. Not for me. But because I felt helpless. Read more [...]
struggle

Struggling

I don't know why I'm having so much trouble lately. Well, maybe I do. My life is in disarray. Turmoil. Disorder. I like order. Control. I feel as though I'm on the edge of a teeter-totter. Hanging down. Bouncing up. Teetering side to side. Not sure where I'll land on any given day. Unsettling. It makes it difficult to find the words. But sometimes they come from other places. Just when I need it most. My son, Ryan, sent me beautiful words today. Words that made sense of my unsettled world. Words that brought me onto a straight plane. Rather than one that was teetering off balance. After feeling unsettled at a social event, these words comforted me. I no longer felt as alone as I did standing Read more [...]
the silence

The Silence

For the past year, I have spent more time in the space of my mind than I have for the past 61 years. I never really thought about the time I was alone. I filled the spaces. I knew the emptiness was short-lived. I knew Gregger was always coming back. To fill the space. The silence. But living alone is different. Hours go by without speaking. Hours where it's just me. Inside my head. And I have to decide. Good thoughts. Bad. Angry. Sad. I have control. I can turn the switch. On. Off. Louder. Softer. I can change the "station." Change my thoughts. Change my attitude. It sounds so elementary. Technically it is. Emotionally, maybe not. I enter my “space” and immediately want noise. Lucy greets Read more [...]