Letters-of-Hope-Continued

Letters of Hope Continued…

In the space of waiting, I realized the emptiness of the “second year.” It became quieter. Lonlier. Sometimes I felt detached. From family. Friends. It was easier just to keep to myself. Go inside. And bury myself there. It was safe. But so empty. So I turned to Gregger. For comfort. It was just a difficult time. One I would figure out. And smile on the other side. May 31 Dear Gregger, Well today marks 21 months since you’ve been gone. It feels like forever. Feels like a lot longer than 21 months. I’ve had ups, downs, and in betweens. I think it’s going to get easier and then it gets harder than ever. This is definitely one of those times. It will never get easy. Never. It will Read more [...]
Letters of Hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

Ten days of waiting and praying. Waiting and praying. There was nothing else to do. The embryos were implanted. And all we could was wait. Hope. I tried to remain calm. Not for me. But for Ashley. The baby(ies). She didn’t need my stress. She was carrying enough of her own. So I pretended. I smiled. Laughed. And loved. I gave when they wanted me to give. I held back when they needed space. But on the inside. I was struggling. Barely holding on. I wanted time to stop. For 10 days. And then I wanted the news to come. But that’s not the way it works. Life continues. So we did too. And I kept writing. To fill the space. The emptiness. May 26 Dear Gregger, Did you know you are on my mind Read more [...]
Moving On…The Tough Days

Moving On…The Tough Days

Moving on. I thought it would get easier. It didn’t. I slipped. I skidded. I stopped. I shut down. And I just couldn’t write anymore.Thoughts would spin inside my head, but they wouldn’t reach my fingertips. They stopped. Somewhere. Jumbled.  I was too empty. Too lonely. Too alone. Stress was pulling me down. And I had nowhere to go. I kept reaching for Gregger. But he wasn’t there. And I realized he never would be. Ever again. The finality of it all. Scary. Sad. Detached. Should I share that raw emotion? People saw me as strong. Brave. Overcoming the worst of the worst. How could I go backwards? So I shut down. I buried myself inside my head. I found solace in the space of my car. Read more [...]
Celebration and Survival

Celebration and Survival

”The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” The days and weeks leading up to August 30th were tense. 2 years. You’d think it’d be easier. No. I was anxious. Emotional. Restless. Stressed. My stomach was in knots. My body ached. Anticipation. It does all kinds of crazy things. The BIG day. What would I feel? Would I break down? Could I handle it? AGAIN? The rush of memories. The flashes. Ugh. I just wanted to close my eyes. Wake up on August 31st. But that wasn’t real. That was an escape. And as others told me, the anticipation was far worse than the Read more [...]
Gregger Pitti-Uomo-June-14-606

Here We Go…Year 3

Dear Gregger, Two years. Is that even possible? It seems like the blink of an eye. And then it seems like an eternity. So much has changed. So much has stayed the same. The one constant. You aren’t here. And I miss you as much as the day you left this earth. My heart still aches. I thought it would get easier. But here’s the thing. It doesn’t. I keep going. I live. Parts of me are even happy at times. But I’m empty. My soul is empty. I just can’t fill that void. I don’t know that I ever will. I haven’t written for a long time. It was too hard. Too sad. I didn’t want to expose myself. It was easier to hide. Smile. Pretend. And cry behind closed doors. Everyone has their cards. Read more [...]

Happy New Year 2016

Time to Be Better, Do Better “We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” A new year. New beginnings. Think about the past. Move into the future. Look forward. Look back.  Time for change. Time for reflection. 2015? A blur. The year of “me.” A time to learn. A time to grow. 2016? An empty page. And mine to write. So different now. But different can be good. Right? New Year’s. I’d rather look back. Happy times. Look forward? Empty. Lonely. For now. Backwards. Full of memories. Happy times. And lots of love. So for now, I turn that way.  Maybe not my best decision. Read more [...]
merry christmas gregger

Merry Christmas Gregger!

Merry Christmas Gregger… I know it’s technically not “our” holiday, but being in retail, we waited for this day all year long. The END of the holiday season. A day off. A family day. A day of togetherness. Happy times. Laughter. And love. So much love. So we celebrated. The joy. The blessings. And us. We loved playing Santa’s elves from the beginning. Do you remember our first Xmas? I have visions of those presents piled around that hideous plaid couch dancing in my head. We were like two little kids. We woke up early in the morning. We couldn’t wait to tear those packages apart. And my dream gift that year? A pair of Frye boots! Light tan with the buckle on the side.  I was cooler Read more [...]
growth

The Second Year…Keep It coming

So year two. Every day is something new. An adventure in learning. In growing. I never know what to expect. But there are things I know for sure. Wake up every day with a purpose. Simple. Huge. Whatever. Just something. Actions speak louder than words. It's not what you say. It's what you do that really matters. Life is about dealing with disappointments. Expectations. The way I deal with them can make me or break me. Let it go. Reality. Being alone sucks. I used to love my alone time. Not so much anymore. Give me one more day with Gregger. I would cherish it more than all my days on earth. Communicate. It's the key to ALL relationships. Everything breaks down FAST without it. Talk. Read more [...]
the fight is on

The Second Year…The Fight is On!

Year Two. Just as I hit the road running, I crashed. Head on. I didn’t see it coming. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. Smack in the face. Wham! Not even sure what provoked it. Out of left field. But the tears. Trickle, trickle, stre-a-m, DOWNPOUR! STOP! I’m not supposed to feel this way. This is year two! I’m past this! What the heck. But here we were. The fight was on. I decided to give in. Let it go. Free myself of sadness. Despair. Longing. It was my only choice. I wouldn't let it get the best of me.   Slow down. Maybe I’m trying to move too fast. Don’t try to rush the process. Don’t overthink. Overthinking never ends well. Stop trying to be superwoman. I can’t Read more [...]
a new year

A New Year

Last week marked the beginning of a New Year. Not the one with midnight cheers, champagne, and football. But one with similarities. The Jewish New Year. Rosh Hashanah, a time for resolutions, new beginnings.  I don't typically pay attention to this. I wish others well. Send cards (on occasion). I have a fleeting thought. But I am not observant. I don't go to temple. I don't do big family dinners. We really never did. Maybe we should have. It just didn't happen. So why am I thinking about it this year? A time of reflection. Soul searching. New beginnings. What better time to reflect than now? What better time to start fresh? Every day is a new beginning for me. Why not look at this as a sweet Read more [...]