Chapter 2…It’s a Strange, Strange World!

Needless to say, after “Scam Man” I was leery. I was safer on the couch. With Angel. Maybe that’s where I belonged. Forever. But I was bored. So I started surfing. Again. What had I missed? Views. Messages. Matches. Not much. Nothing of interest. Some decent. But thousands of miles away. What was the point? Maybe one. Not bad. Potential. Lived close. Older. Meet for wine? Why not? In one minute. I knew. Ugh. Waste of time. Could I wine and dash? Yep! Used Angel as my excuse. Poor pup. Been home alone all day. Needed to walk her. Or so I said.  I was BORED to tears. Scanned the bar for cuter guys. Nothing. Bored with his stories. His questions. His conversation. His looks. Basically. Everything. Read more [...]

Chapter 2..Wham Bam, Don’t Scam the Ma’am!

What are friends for? They are there to lift you up when you’re down. To hold your hand through the good times and bad. And to sign you up for online dating when they think it’s time! I didn’t have the guts to do it alone. I filled out the forms. Three, four, six. Who knows? But I never followed through. So when my sweet friend said she wanted to talk to me one Sunday, I never suspected it was about my dating! She said it was time to move on. And she was there to give me that nudge. Push. A giant shove. And that’s what it took. So I was official. Now what? Wait until someone contacted me? Or scan through the hoards of prospects, hoping that one might actually be a “real match?” Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Giant Leap

I’ve talked about moving on. Changing. Learning. And growing. But I took a giant leap of faith in January. I decided it was time. Time to step out. Put myself “out there.” I was tired of spending lonely nights at home. Snuggled with Angel. She’s great. Don’t get me wrong. But conversations are a drag. One-sided. So. I put it out to the universe. I was going to start DATING. Dating? What the hell did I know about dating! I hadn't dated in over 45 years! And even then, I wasn't a dater! I had boyfriends. When one broke up with me, soon after, I had another. Long term. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have a string of boyfriends. Two, maybe three, in high school. And then. The Gregger. Two Read more [...]

Chapter 2…On Finding Me

Along this grief journey I discovered the most amazing thing. Me. For so much of my life, I've lived in a bubble. Safe. Protected. Secure. I've been defined by others. Wife. Mother. Daughter. Sister. I was busy taking care. Nurturing. And pleasing. And then. The bubble BURST. There I was. No protection. No one holding my hand. Just me. I HAD to make choices. I HAD to take notice. I HAD to see life as what it was. I had a choice. Bury myself. Or take it on. A gift. My turn. To just be me. Whatever I wanted that to be. Anyone. Recreate. Start over. My second chance. My chapter two. For so long I was trying to be something else. Please others. I realized that I’d somehow gotten lost in the Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Friends

Gregger’s death impacted every aspect of my life. Me. Of course. One minute. A wife. The next. A widow. (Ugh. Who would have thought?) Single parent (Really?). My kids. Fatherless. My family. Parents. Siblings. Nieces. Nephews. All impacted. All changed. Empty space. Cracked. Broken. And friends. What about friends? Where were they? Some. Rushed to my side. Others. Cowered. Fear? Maybe. Death. Changes things. Grief. Changes things. Friendships. Relationships. Contacts. Some who were forefront, faded. Disappeared. Others who had drifted were front and center. "When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Going Back

Starting over. Never easy. Going back. Tougher than tough.  Memories rush like a torrential flood. I returned to our roots. Arizona. My first return since moving to San Diego. I anticipated heartache and pain. I expected a barrage of emotions upon my return. "Our home." But. I survived. I not only survived, I realized how far I'd come in this journey. No gloom and doom. Only joy. For the memories we'd shared. The life we'd built. Lived. And appreciating the onset of my Chapter Two. I saw friends. Great friends. Friends I miss. But they live there. And I live somewhere else. We are bound in friendship. Love. Always will be. Just as the bond between Gregger and me will never be broken. But life Read more [...]

Chapter 2….August 30th…3 Years…Celebration of Life

Dear Gregger, Three years. 36 months, 1095 days, 26,280 hours, 1,576,800 minutes, 94,608,000 seconds. An eternity. A moment. Whatever. It's Time. Your time. From earth to shining star. In heaven. Some say anniversary. Of death. Morbid. Others say Death-aversary. Morbid. I say Celebration. Of life. Today is not a day for mourning. Or tears. It’s a day to celebrate. You. And all that you gave. To me. Your kids. Family. Friends. And so many others. We traveled many roads together in our 40 years. This is one journey I’ve had to make on my own. It sucks. But with your love and guidance, I’m still standing. If I could have just one more day you know what I would do? I’d hold your hand tighter. Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Edit

1091 days. Take me back. Life was nearly perfect. 1091 days. Take me back. Hawaii. Vacation. Celebrating. Life. Healthy. Happy. In love. Life was good. 38 plus years. Together. We had our bumps. The roller coaster. Of love. And life. But we’d made it. We were friends. Best friends. And lovers. We’d survived. Kids. College. Weddings. The worst of times. The best of times. I try to remember. All of it. “The saddest moment is when the person who gave you the best memories, becomes a memory.” 1091 days. Since you left. Gregger. YOU became THE memory. Every memory. But. Memories fade. Edges blur. Colors fade. And then. The focus. Disappears. If only. I could freeze frame. Protect. Restore. Funny Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Celebrate Today with the Chain of Goodness

I’ve been a bit spacey these past few weeks. (Yep. My kids will tell you. Nothing new. Mom’s always spacey.) But it’s different. Distracted. Emotional. Agitated. Forgetful. And then it hit. August. THE month. Time for kids to go back to school. Summer sales. AND. THE MONTH. The fated trip. The moment. The memories. Here again. 3 years. Time to deal. Face the flood of memories. As they rush to the forefront of my mind, I see. Gregger’s twinkling eyes. His joyful smile. I feel. The warmth of his hand. Touching mine. His tender lips. Kissing me. I hear. His soft-spoken voice. Whispering, “I love you.” And instead of tears. I smile. Because I know. He’s here. In my heart. In this Read more [...]

Chapter 2…On Being Real

One of the hardest things I’ve learned on this grief journey is showing vulnerability. Exposing myself. Raw. Naked. Truth. Option? Walls. Dark. Blocked. Hidden. Why? To be strong. I can do this. I’m okay. Yes, I can. But then. I'm not. There are moments.  And I crack. The days my heart aches so badly the corners of my mouth won’t lift. My eyes are drawn. My face. An open book. Transparent. Everyone knows. So. What do I say? I’m okay? But. I’m not. So, I’ve learned to say just that. I’m not. It’s a bad day. I’m having a rough go. And I’ve learned. People embrace that vulnerability. It makes me real. I’ve learned. It’s okay to not be okay. Writing makes me vulnerable. Read more [...]