Chapter 2…The Sad Truth

It was hard enough to lose the love of my life. My soul mate. My best friend. But in the past three years, I have watched pieces of my family crumble apart. Was Gregger the glue who held us together? I’ve tried so hard to play both roles. I’ve tried to be all that he was while finding myself. Not easy. Actually nearly impossible. Sometimes I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff. One minute balanced. Safe. Sound. The next. Stumbling. Rocking. Losing my footing. At any second I’ll land flat on my face. No net beneath me. Why? Just another part of the grief journey. Losing a loved one is devastating. No ifs, ands, buts about it. There’s no “good” way to experience death. Read more [...]

Chapter 2…My Journey…Starting Over

I struggled with the decision to write again. Some days I felt ready to blurt out, "Hello world, here I am. Let me tell you my story. My journey." But others, I cowered behind the safety of the walls. No hurt. No pain. No tears. I was alive. But was I living? I needed to feel. Breathe. Let go.  Of fear. Fear of exposure. Fear of being alone. Fear of facing the truth. My feelings. The good. The bad. The truth. It’s been almost 3 years since Gregger left this earth. Some things have changed. Others not. What hasn’t changed? Missing Gregger. Loving him. Holding him in my heart. That’s forever. What has changed? Me. I’m living. Breathing. Smiling. Laughing. I have new friends. Earth Angels. Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Happy Birthday…It’s a New Year!

Today seemed like the perfect day to enter the world of blogging once again. And so I am. I’ve been distracted. Afraid. Writing brings out emotions. Grief. Sadness. Tears. But also joy. Love. Happiness. So I decided. Today. I’m ready. "This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind. Let it be something good.” Not only is this the beginning of a new day, it is the beginning of a new year. Of life. For me. My birthday. These were Read more [...]

Happy 63rd Birthday Gregger

Dear Greg, Happy 63rd Birthday! I can hardly believe this is our 3rd birthday apart. It seems like yesterday that I was getting ready for your big 60th birthday surprise. The last hoorah. I'll never forget that birthday. Never forget the look on your face. I can still feel you holding my hand. Walking into that room. And I hear the screams. The laughter. And the smile. Your smile. The best. It was our last dance. Every time I hear Beyonce belt out, "Love on Top," my heart stops. I drift back to that moment. You were holding me. Just the two of us. Rocking. Side to side. Cherishing a moment. Frozen in time. What a celebration. That was then. And here we are. Now. I'm here. You're somewhere. Out Read more [...]

Clawing Through the “Guck”

“There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize, nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts - before this, and after this.” I am in the “after this.” Still trying to figure it out. Every day. 2 plus years later. Still clawing my way through the “guck.” The pain. The tears. Why? Because. Love endures death. A person dies. But love doesn’t. So my heart aches. My heart feels empty. My soul aches. My soul feels empty. I cannot close this chapter. My heart’s not ready. Will it ever be? Probably not. I think I’m figuring that out. And trying to figure out how to live with it. But the hard part? Hiding. Staying strong. After so long some Read more [...]
balls in the air

“Balls” in the Air

This baby thing is so tough. And I'm not even the one who's pregnant! I'm just the grandma-to-be. Oh Lord! I wrote this in September on a return flight from St. Louis. We are only 18+ weeks in and I am driving myself crazy. Right now I'm sitting on a plane with my stomach literally ready to "toss it's cookies." And there's nothing inside. My nerves are shattered. Ashley has a doctor's appointment and I won't know anything until I land. So I sit here praying. Praying. Praying. Everything will be okay. Good. Great. People tell me I carry too much of the load when it comes to my kids. I probably do. I don't know how not to. I remember when they were little. When they hurt, I hurt. When they were Read more [...]
its a boy

It’s a…?????

Back in the “old days,” few of us knew what we were “having.” Amnios were for the older pregnant moms. And ultrasounds? Primitive. They’d be considered archaic today. We were lucky to make out a few features. I know. I’m aging myself. I didn’t want to know what I was having. Wanted it to be a surprise. Wanted to wait until that baby was “pulled” out of me and I heard the doctor say, “It’s a ____!” First time I was knocked out cold. So I didn’t even know what I had until I woke up. Surprise! It’s a boy! Second time. I swore the whole time it was a girl. Heartbeat higher. Carrying pretty much the same. Gained less weight. Just thought it was a girl. Surprise again! It’s Read more [...]
letters of hope

Letters of Hope Continued…

So after all the weeks of waiting, praying, waiting, praying. Tears. Stress. And more tears. The wait was over. I didn’t sleep the night before. Weird dreams. But I remember being at a shower. Ashley was pregnant. Ready to pop. And then I woke up. And realized what day it was. The nerves set in. Stomach rolling. Hands shaking. I went to barre. Spaced out. Headed to OTF. Zoned out. At 11:40, my heart was pounding. I raced out to check my phone. And there it was. Emoticons. "Prayer hands." One after the other. From Ashley. I sent them back. There was nothing left to do. But wait. And pray. Some more. I headed home. I offered to sit with her. She wanted to be alone. Tyler was at work. But she Read more [...]
Letters-of-Hope-Continued

Letters of Hope Continued…

In the space of waiting, I realized the emptiness of the “second year.” It became quieter. Lonlier. Sometimes I felt detached. From family. Friends. It was easier just to keep to myself. Go inside. And bury myself there. It was safe. But so empty. So I turned to Gregger. For comfort. It was just a difficult time. One I would figure out. And smile on the other side. May 31 Dear Gregger, Well today marks 21 months since you’ve been gone. It feels like forever. Feels like a lot longer than 21 months. I’ve had ups, downs, and in betweens. I think it’s going to get easier and then it gets harder than ever. This is definitely one of those times. It will never get easy. Never. It will Read more [...]
Letters-of-Hope-Continued

Letters of Hope Continued…

So it probably seems to many of you reading this blog that I’ve been writing about the same thing forever. This IVF thing is tough. The waiting. The hoping. The praying. And waiting some more. I’m glad I wrote during that time. Not only for how I felt then but for how I feel now. To realize that I can still turn to Gregger. But I can also handle it on my own. I can find the strength. Dig deep. Stand tall. And keep going. Through the toughest days. And, somehow, the sun always shines brightest on the other side. So writing continued to be my savior. May 28 Dear Gregger, I spent today with Ashley and Tyler. We went to look at houses. They found a house they love, but standing there I felt Read more [...]