For a somewhat intelligent woman (or so I thought), why would I continue to subject myself to the idiocy of online dating? Boredom. Entertainment. Laughs. And, if nothing else, good writing material. Because. There are NO dates! They are contacts. Texts. Phone calls. Emojis. No meets. No dates. No happy endings. I call their MO. Games. BS. Lies. Players. Game over. Move on to your next relenting victim. Poor girl.
I have my own game. “Name the Player.” Because. At a glance, I know.
Emoji heart men: ❤️No words. Either they have nothing to say, can’t write, or are waiting for me to make the move. They’re still waiting. Lame. How do you respond to a heart emoji? Is that a conversation starter? Don’t think so.
Sympathy Guys: “I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you and your family. I hope you are ok.” Nice. Sweet. Sentimental. But. I don’t need pity. I respond with the basic, “Thank you. Much appreciated.” Conversation usually ends there. What did they want? Rescue me? Tears or soulful exposure? Nope. Not going to happen.
Non-conversationalists: “Hello. How are you?” At this given moment? Overall? What the hell does that mean? I’m fine. Great. Sick. Bored. Happy. Overwhelmed. Elated. Pick one. All of the above. Whatever suits you. Sometimes they respond. Often not. Ever. Again. What are they looking for? How else do you respond to “Hello. How are you?” Dumb. Moving on.
Emoji Smiley guys: ? Cool. Does that mean you’re happy? Or is it supposed to make me deliriously happy? Not sure. And how does one respond to an emoji? As far as I’m concerned, the best response is ? back. So, most conversations end there.
Pity parties: Sometimes it’s clear from the get go, I AM NOT interested. Whether it’s physical, profile, or proximity. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. So I choose not to respond. Mr. Pity party: “Alas. It looks like I’ve been relegated to the junk heap of unanswered dating website emails! So sad, too bad as I thought we shared much in common that could have been the beginning of something good. I guess I will take the silence as uninterested and good luck in your search for what we are both looking for.” Sorry to be harsh (if that’s what silence is) but no response seemed better than a phony one!
Empathizers: Sweet but still no go! “I know how you feel about age and life’s tragedies! You’re just not wired to deal with the unexpected. Specially if you are with that special someone, your best friend, the one that completes you and defines you. All of a sudden you find you’re not ready to be alone, and that those special moments just don’t seem so special if you can’t share them. I just turned 65, feel better than I did in my late 40’s. I exercise regularly, do my core every day, yet I’m 65. (I love that!) Seems to me that women look down on a man that likes younger women, but they don’t want to date a man their age or a few years older. And if you looked at all the ladies on the site that are 50??? Not buying it! If you are interested in meeting a man that’s honest, sincere, and loyal as a Labrador, write to me.” I have a dog. Thank you. She’s honest, sincere, and loyal. Probably more so than you’ll ever be. See ya!
Lookers: “Good morning. I am looking for a good friend where things could grow into something more.” Okay, keep looking! If you have to tell me what you’re looking for, I’m not interested. It has to grow organically!
Never marrieds: “Looking for a friend, and dating, like a man in construction, will do honey do lists, enjoy (spelled it injoy) being happy, enjoy (again spelled injoy) being by the ocean).” If you can’t spell, or at least spell-check, you’re not for me! Never-marrieds. Red flag! With a capital RF!!
Ego man: Relentless messages should scream desperation! But I was too young in the game. What did I know? I gave in. Agreed to a call. Ego man: “What’s your real name?” Margo. Ego man: “Why don’t you go by that? It’s much nicer than Mikki.” Okay. We are off and running. Great start. Ego man: “So you work out. Where?” Equinox. OrangeTheory. Ego Man: “Oh those are just classes. Men don’t do classes.” Since when? And since when was Equinox, a beautiful gym, equipped to the max, ONLY classes catering to women. NOT! Ego Man: “Meet me at the Promenade.” The Promenade? WTF? When I said I didn’t know what or where it was, Ego Man responded: “How long have you lived here? What do you mean you don’t know where it is?” I knew it was over before it ever started! Little did he know I was going to be VERY sick in a few days. Date over. Ego man! You lose.
Bible man: Professes love from the get-go. Goes off the dating site after one email. Decides we’re meant for each other because God says so. He’s a widower. So. We were meant to be together. Quotes Bible verses. Tells me to pray for him in church on Sunday when I specifically said I was Jewish. But, swears he’s a good listener! Writes pages and pages of emails. Bible messages. Descriptions, definitions of love and life. My lack of response means nothing. Go read the Bible. You’ll get more love from the good book than me. Ever! Sorry!
Repeaters: Guys who send the same message. Word for word. Pure sincerity. Not! Copy. Paste. Ditto. Duh. Idiots. They sent the identical message. One month ago. Sad part. They don’t remember!
Ghosters: Those who profess love. Write emails. Text. Morning, noon, and night. Progress to phone calls. Decent conversation. Opens the door to hope. And then. Poof! Gone! Vanished. No where to be seen or heard from. Ever. Again. Good riddance!
So dating. Bust! I think I’ll put it on the back burner for a while. Let the dating gods figure it out. Or Gregger. Maybe he has a better plan. Because I’m done. No more games. Players. Liars. Losers. Back to the couch. Just me and my Angel. Such is life. And love. For now.