The “Should Have Been” 66

Dear Greg, Today is another of those “should have been” celebrations. Your 66th birthday!  Six birthdays. Without you. Six birthdays trying to figure out how to keep celebrating when sometimes celebrating is the last thing I want to do. This is one of those times. It’s been a rough week. The world was reminded of the fragility of life. It touched so close to home. A superstar, his child and seven others with families and loves lost their lives. In a moment. A flash. And the world mourned. What began as an ordinary day ended in tragedy. And no one gets it. They shake their heads. Question. Why? How could this happen? Unfortunately. It does. And as truly awful as it is it happened to Read more [...]

“The Would Have Been” 44

Dear Greg, Today “would have been” our 44th anniversary. It “would have been” a day we spent celebrating our love for one another. A day together. Because. You ALWAYS made January 10th OUR day. Why the “would have been?” Because. You are NOT here. And. That’s MY reality. For six years I celebrated these occasions “as if.” I said, “Happy Anniversary.” “As if” you’d walk into the room. “As if” we’d celebrate all night long. But. We won’t. Not ever. Reality. It is the anniversary of our wedding day. But. We won’t exchange mushy cards. Surprise gifts. Cheers to the years. Or pat each on the back for conquering another year!  Why is this day more important Read more [...]

Happy 43rd Anniversary!

Dear Gregger, 43 Years…Our Anniversary…Happy? 4 ½ years ago it was. For 38 years it was a day to celebrate. Us. But today? No. For better or worse. ‘Til death do us part. As we did. Parted. August 30th, 2014. I stand here alone. 43 years. Wondering. Wishing. Wanting. But that’s all I can do. I believed in fairytales. Happily ever afters. This wasn’t our ending. I want a rewrite. Now what? How do I “celebrate?” How can I find joy on this special day that joined us together as “one?” We were writing our story. But there are so many blank pages. I can only go back and read what was. Because that’s all there will ever be. Memories. January 10, 1976. Our first dance. “We’ve Read more [...]

Happy New Year 2019

As I sit here reflecting on 2018, I ask myself, “What would I do differently? What would I change? How could I have been better?” I don’t have exact answers. It was a year of happy moments, a year of loss, a year of ups, downs, and all the in-betweens. It was LIFE. Every day presented something new. A challenge. An obstacle. Joy. Stress. Family. Friendship. Laughter. Love. But, each day was an opportunity to grow. To learn. To become better. To be kind. Compassionate. Patient. Empathic. Nurturing. And grateful. Always grateful. Not for “things.” But for the people we are so blessed to have in our lives. The people who fill our hearts. We so often take these people for granted. We forget. Read more [...]

Happy Birthday Gregger!

Dear Gregger – 🎈Happy 64th Birthday! 🎉 Really? Is that even possible? Wasn’t it just yesterday I was planning your surprise party? Four years. Past. Gone. Your 60th birthday. Your last. Your best. What I wouldn’t give for one more celebration. You should be here. We should be celebrating. We should be raising our glasses together.🥃🍷 But. God had different plans. As the old saying goes, “We make plans and God laughs.” Well he must have had one good chuckle when he heard our plans. I could make this about me. How I miss you. 💔Miss us. Miss my friend. My partner. My best love. But. You know all that. Or. I hope you do. I thought it’d be easier by now. It’s not. Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Happy Holidays!

I’ve been off the grid. Nothing life shattering. Just. Life. In the past, I would have stressed. I’d push myself. Write. Get it done. Post. Something. Not now. I stop. And enjoy. Don’t get me wrong. I love writing. Connecting. Sharing. But life. It’s precious. And I need to enjoy. Cherish. And live. In. The. Moment. I don’t want to look back and say, “Shoulda.” I want to look back and say, “I did.” So. I am. Busy. With family. Friends. Baby. Sweet. Precious. Moments. I spoke of this with a friend the other day. He was kind enough to point out the “unobvious.” “You are moving on. You are okay. You don’t need “outlets.” Or venting mechanisms. You’ve figured it out. Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Strike 3 and You’re Out!

The dating game. Sucks. Truly. I’m happy to say, I’m officially off the online market. Cannot take one more loser. Weirdo. Liar. Manipulator. I’d rather be alone. For the rest of my life. I decided. One more try. I had shut down. But again. I was bored. So why not? Check it out. Read the messages. They’re humorous. Entertaining. I was lured in. They were cheesy. But. Better than nothing. It was Saturday night. And there I was. Alone. On my couch. With Angel. How pathetic. One dude. Talked about feeling young. Acting young. Laughter. (I was ready. Laughter was enticing.) Surround yourself with happiness. Sounded good. On paper. Of course. Anyone can. Gave my number. Hated messaging on Read more [...]

Chapter 2…Tears, Pain, and Joy

“Grief is a big bowl to hold. It takes so many formations, so many textures and colors. You never know how or when it will rear its head and take a hold of you. Sometimes you cry unfathomably, some days you feel guilty because you haven’t cried, and in other moments you are so angry or filled with anxiety you just don’t know what to do.” I thought I had won. The battle. Beaten the waves of emotion. It’s year four. I thought I’d passed. The tests. The hard stuff. The firsts. The surprises. The “creepers.” (Those grief moments that just appear.) But suddenly, it emerged. Like a tsunami. As tiny tremors, then earthquakes rocked my world, they unraveled the grief buried deep within. Read more [...]

Chapter 2…It’s a Little Bit Country

I was never a big country western fan. But. Put my life to music. And I’m in. I’ll buy the track. The CD. Stream it. Download. Whatever. I’m a fan. The words. Resonate. Right to the beat of my heart. At the beginning of the grief journey, “you feel like you’re falling backwards. Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks. Like no one would even notice, if you left this town and never came back. You walk outside and all you see is rain. You look inside and all you feel is pain. And you can’t see it now. But down the road the sun is shining. In every cloud there’s a silver lining. Just keep holding on. And every heartache makes you stronger. But it won’t be much longer. You’ll Read more [...]

Chapter 2…I Got Your Game!

For a somewhat intelligent woman (or so I thought), why would I continue to subject myself to the idiocy of online dating? Boredom. Entertainment. Laughs. And, if nothing else, good writing material. Because. There are NO dates! They are contacts. Texts. Phone calls. Emojis. No meets. No dates. No happy endings. I call their MO. Games. BS. Lies. Players. Game over. Move on to your next relenting victim. Poor girl. I have my own game. “Name the Player.” Because. At a glance, I know. Emoji heart men: ❤️No words. Either they have nothing to say, can’t write, or are waiting for me to make the move. They’re still waiting. Lame. How do you respond to a heart emoji? Is that a conversation Read more [...]